GED TEST SCORES GOT TO ME

Update I just got me GED scores back. I passed. I barely passed math but I did it!!! My scores were all really high in the top 99 percentile but math was only 58 percent. YES!!! Now I can start the next step in my life!!! I am so high right now with joy!! I have never been this proud of myself ever. Is it wrong to be so proud? Thank you all for being there for me.

Decisons to make

I have had a very good couple of days. I have felt fine. Today I am a bit depressed and trying not to slip back into deep depression. As I have said before, I have been trying to find homes for some of my dogs because of not being able to feed or take care of them like we should. We have four here. Two of them were my sisters who passed away. I have put up ads and put ads in the paper for months and noone has been interested. Today out of t he blue someone called. I am happy and sad at the same time. I have grown attached to my sister's dogs. I have a decision to make. Struggle trying to feed them or let them go. My brother in law who lives here with me does not help with the dogs. It is insane!! Those were his wife's dogs. The one dog's name is Billy. He is 12 years old and follows me everywhere. He is a golden retreiver mix. He isnt real good with kids and he defenetly isnt a playful guy. He loves me so this is very hard. I know that if something happens and I have to leave here, I may have to put him to sleep due to his age. I feel this is his last chance to get a home. I am so upset. I didnt expect to get a phone call. The other dog's name is Phantom. He is a Jack russel/ chiuaua mix. He is 6 years old. defenetly not good with kids. In fact he has snapped at mine a few times. He goes after my other dogs. My opinion is t hat he should be put down. There is a reason why he is like that. : ( I will try to explain this.
There was a dark side to my sister that I never said to anyone. She was very possessive and controlling and she always had to keep people and animals almost in a cage. This side of her I did not want to talk about until now. She never let me have any kids. She would take control over the care of my children to the point where they would ask her if they could have something. She took control of our finances (which she didnt do a very good job of) I had didnt have any friends. Everytime I would try to have a friend, she would wreck it. To get back to the dog... (sorry I am rambling) She would keep her dogs and cats in the house away from anything. I understood the cats but she wouldnt walk the dogs or anything. She would only let them out to go to the bathroom. When I offered to take the dogs for a walk, she would get angry and think I was taking them from her. The last three weeks of her life, she wasnt getting mych oxygen. She was refusing treatment. ( i didnt know this at all until after her death) Her mind wasnt working right.
She was so mean to Phantom. She would hit him with her walker when he tried to get near her. She would scream at him when things werent going right for her. She was doing the same with me and my children. ( the yelling part anyways..she didnt hit us) I tried to keep the dog away from her but she would yell that I was trying to take everything from her. We fought alot about the treatment of the dog. After that this dog has been very unstable. Unfortunelty he needs to be put down. I just dont feel it is my responsibility to do it but I will end up having to.I think some of the issues stemmed from her not being physically able to control everything. This was uncomfortable for her. She just couldnt let me take over for awhile. She needed a break and I needed my life back.
Please dont think bad thoughts about my sister. This was her dark side. She was very loving. She had a bright side as well. She had bipolar disorder so bad but refused to get treatment for it. She was laways there for me when I needed her. I loved her very much. But when she died she left not only piles of bills I was unaware of but she left alot of hurt feelings because of the way she was at the end. I forgave her and miss her. I wish that I could turn back the clock and talk things out with her. I know that is not possible so I live with the guilt of how things were between me and her at the end. Sorry for the rambling. It started out about the dogs and it ends with my sister like it always does.
The main idea of this whole thing is that I have to make this decision. I know that it is for the best that the dogs go to new homes. It will probably be best for all of us. It is just hard to let go.
When the two are gone, I will only have two left. My poodle mix and my rotty mix. I hope that I will be able to keep them. I raised them and they are wonderful dogs. I will have to post pics. I have rambled enough. I am so frustrated that my GED test scores till have not gotten back to me. UGH!!!!! I need to go on to the next step. As soon as I get those scores the education council is going to get me into school. They help get you into LPN classes given at the local hospital. I just want to get on with my life. I hate waiting. I am not patient at all.
Before I go I just want to thank a few of my friends for helping me through this. Nancy, Thank you for all the e-mails of support. I dont know what I would do without you. DB..Thank you for talking to me when I needed someone to talk to. Janie...Thank you for all your prayers (I need them) Linda..Thank you for making me smile..I also want to thank

stress test all completed

I went to take my stress test this morning. The doctor said it went well. I am relieved. I guess it is just stress afterall. I guess I will know when i see the doctor to go over my results. I had to get up very early to get the test done. I hate mornings when i am not depressed. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 11:00. Another reason to get out of bed. I have to drag myself out but at least I do.

Everything is pretty quiet today. I hope it remains that way. It was the first day of the kids ogng back to school. They didnt want to get up. I thought it was going to take a small crane in order to get them up. lol I guess it was expected having been able to sleep in for two weeks. I am glad to have everything back to normal.

My Aunt mailed me a Christmas card. She wrote a letter with it. I really miss talking to her and thought maybe I could reconnect with her so I wrote her back. I am hopeing this becomes a trend. I really need some connection to me family. I really dont get that much with my mother.

I am still waiting for my GED results to come back. It is taking forever!! I just want to see what my next step in life is.(possiblitly of college or a retake of the math exam) I am so nervous about it. I hope it comes in soon.

Well I am going to lay down for a bit. It has been an early morning for me today. I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe and God Bless.

wrong diagnoses

I dont have much time to write but I wanted to let everyone know that it was a wrong diagnoses. They did an echocardiogram and it came out normal. They xrays showed the heart a bit large but the echo is a better test. I have normal blood pressure. I have never had high blood pressure so I was very surprised. They are doing a stress test to make sure everything is ok. Thank you for commenting.
Happy New Year!!

Long time no write

It has been awhile since i sat down to type in my journal. The medicne the doctor put me on makes it very hard to concentrate.I am going to tell the doctor because i like to write in my journal as well as read. It has been hard to do either. I have been hanging in there. My Christmas was ok. I have been going through alot of side affects from the medicine. I have had mood swings and jerky muscles. I spent a quiet Christmas at home just with the kids and husband. It was very nice. This will be the first Christmas ever that I have spent at home.
My mother came up the day after. We actually had a good time. We did not fight at all. We went shopping and out to eat.
I did have some bad news though. I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. I dont know sure what this means for me but it doesnt sound good. he doctor didnt have a very serious conversation with me. I thought I should have been referred to a specialist. That is just me. Just one more thing to worry about.
Well i finished my GED test . Now I have to wait for the results. I dont think I did very well in math because if my meds. I will just have to see.
I hope everyone has a very happy new year.

Why Worry?

"Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:1 NLT


When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT

I wanted to make worry the main topic of my journal today because I live with extreme worry everyday. It wastes my energy. This is energy that i could use to try to solve the horrible financial problems that I have. Worrying makes me literally physically ill. It drags every bit if energy I have from my body. It makes me depressed with the feeling hopelessness and dread. That isnt living. I need to learn to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done. That is what I have been striving for for many months. Peace.... I just want some peace even if it is only for a brief while.

I prayed this morning to thank God for another day. For another day to make things right. Another chance to reach my goal. He is not responsible for the choices I make. I am. I just ask that he give me the strenghth and the knowledge to make the right choices for my family (kids, pets and everyone)

I feel as every decision lies on my shoulders. I have three kids and 5 animals who rely on the choices I make. am I up to handleing it? I hope so. That is why I pray for strenghth. I want my children to be proud of me. To grow up to adults who dont quit. I dont want them to see me in that depressed state again. I am feeling a bit better. I hope this lasts for awhile. My 16 year old son knows when I get bad. He just takes over the household chores and even cooks for me. I feel sorry for me that he has to do that because his mother gets that depressed but he weathers it like a champ. He is a good kid and I am very proud of him. The one dog we have also knows when i get depressed and weak. He whines and cries and wants to stay with me at all times. It is weird how they pick up on my feelings.

Well this was probably a mistake but there was this aquaintence of mine who had a dog. Well she said she was going to put him to sleep if she didnt find a home for him by the end of the weekend , she was oging to put him down. He is only a 7 month old pit bull mix. He is a sweet and loving dog. Of course i was stupid and although I have severe financial problems , I brought him home. There isnt anything wrong with him, He is a great dog. he didnt deserve to die. I am going to keep him for a week or two to see what his mannerisms are then I am going to try to find him a home. I dont think i will have a problem being that he is so well behaved and plays with the kids. I guess I am just too kind hearted. I think people feed on that all the time. What a push over I am!!!! It is shameful!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on new meds for my depression. I was a biut scared because of the side affects that I had with my other medicines. He said ths one is different. The worst I should get is the shakes and some dizziness until I get used to it. He put me on a very low dose for now and he is going to work myself up. I have been sleeping very well since on the medicine and feeling alot better. It wont change my situation but I am hoping that it will help me deal with it better.

I cant go take my last part of my GED test tomorrow night as I thought I could. My daughter has a Christmas concert and I really need to go to that. I will have to reschedule. I really wanted to get it over with but the concert means alot to her. I have to go.

What really bothers me is that I wont have any presents for the kids. At least not like I wanted to. I wanted to make thier Christmas happy. I am just dissapointed that I cant do more. I got them a couolle of very little things and the Christmas house here in town said they are going to get some things together for us. Bless them. Without them they wouldnt have gotten anything. They are good people there. An older lady runs the program. She is about 88 years old and is such a sweet lady. She tries to help people all she can.Times are hard. Bless her.

My sister used to make all her Christams gifts. They made them much more special. She was really into the Christmas spirit.

Feeling a bit better

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know it must be frustrating to read my entries. Thank you for sticking by me. I am trying to hang in there. To answer a question, she said she filed.I havent seen papaers yet. Trust me I would love to get out of here. But it seems impossible for us to find an apartment that we can afford ir who will rent to us. I dont have an rental references in fact I dont have any references at all.I dont have any friends. I dont know anybody. So this fact makes it impossible. I do feel a bit better though today even though things dont look good for us. I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medicine he thinks will help. He seems to be a very nice man. I think that he may be of help to me. I am also going to go to counciling. I know it will take alot of gas money but I feel i must go. This staying in bed all day has got to stop. I want to start living. I feel trapped here. Maybe that the feeling is just an illusion. I do agree that getting out of here probably is my best bet for my mental health and the future of my family. I hope that it will work out for us. I dont want to lise my children or any thing as a matter of fact. I am going to go lie down for the night. Stay safe everyone. God Bless...

"I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
Philippians 4:13

NLTMan is never so tall as when he kneels before God—never so great as when he humbles himself before God. And the man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.
Louis H. Evans1
Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT

another day another trouble

I wish that I could write positive things but i dont have anything positive to say today. I am going to lose my home. She has finally filed papers. I have nowhere to go and I am going to lose my children. They are my life. The thought of them being in foster care scares me. They would be so frightened. We are all so close. This has been a nightmare!! I dont know how to handle it anymore. I feel so alone. I am so scared!! I dont think that this is going to end well despite all my efforts. I feel like giving up. I have been such a fighter but i think my fight is gone. I cant express how frightening this is. I know that not many people read my journal anymore. I wouldnt want to read it either. Most of the time it is full of negativity. I wasnt like that always. This just started when my sister passed on a year ago. It has been nothing but trouble ever since then. I wish she was here. She was my rock. I dont know how long i can hang on. If I lose my house and it cause me to lose my children, I dont think I can keep living. How do I acheive a positive attutude amist all this chaos? Thank you all for listening and hanging in there with me and my depressing posts.

Second part of GED test

I went to take my second part of my GED test last night. I dont think I did as good as I would have liked but I know I passed. The essay topic was sports and I know nothing about them. That made writing it extra hard although I think I did ok. Next week I take my final test on math. I am not so confident about that subject. I just hope that I pass. I really need to feel as if I have accomplished something.

My mental state has been somewhat worse. I havent gotten out of bed before 2 pm all week. I feel so worthless. My whole body aches and I am alwasy so very tired. I had to force myself to get up and take a bath today and get online for a bit. I really need a change bu I am not strong enough to make it. I need to move closer into town. I think it would be better for me mentaly and financially. The problem is finding a place to go. I dont have very good credit so finding an apartment is going to be tough. My husband doesnt really make much money but if i lived closer to town, I could work. I think that would be excellent for me. It would make me feel like I am accomplising something plus i would be around other people. I think I need that right now even though I have such bad social anxiety. I am realizing that I need at least one friend to hang out with and talk to.

Getting an apartment would mean renting again for me. I never thought I would have to rent again. I would have to most likely find a home for all my pets. I know that would hurt the kids. I am living here without any heat other than a kerosene heater. I dont like using that heater. I need a change. I feel trapped here. I need to get out of the house that my sister passed away in. I know I can do better for myself.

Another reason why it is hard to leave this trailer is because of all the money that I had put into it. The mortgage holder is not allowing me to sell. I know that she cant legally do that to me but i just dont have any way to fight her on it. She has made it so hard to keep going. I have been paying her what I owe her every month. I am so close to paying this off in full.

I actually was thinking about getting ahold of my old friends who used to live here. They really hurt me by taking off on me withouth letting me know after I gave them a place to stay for so long. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have already forgave them and just want to have my friends back. Am I just asking for punishment? Most likely. They are not very good friends. The husband of the couple wears me out sometimes emotionally just being around him. Has anyone ever met anyone like that?

I dont know when I will post again. Hopefully I can get myself out of bed to post tomorrow. I have an appointment to see a Phychiatrist tomorrow. I hope that he can at least ease the pain. I do believe that in order for me to be happy, I am going to need an enviroment change. I pray that I can find a way to do something soon. I dont know how long I can live like this.

I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday.

At a loss for words

I have been having such a horrible couple days. I have not ben out of bed until 1 sometimes later everyday. In the evenings all I do is lay on the couch. I have been doing alot of crying. I guess my worrying has caught up with me. There isnt much I can do at this time to solve anything going on around me. I just kind of have to try to handle things the best I can. The mortgage holder to our property is giving us so much trouble. We were supposed to have been paid off by June of this year but because of some thinsg my sister has done before her death, we are 8 months behind. She keeps threatening to take the place from me even though I have been paying her every month. I am almost positive that we wil be paid off soon. Apparently she has another buyer for the property and wants to default on my mortgage and sell it right out from under us even though we are so close to paying it off. Of course she wants more money. The worst of it all is that it is a close internet friend who wants to buy pur house from her. It's a very hurtful situation. I have been told to find homes for my pets and find somewhere to go. This hasnt even gottne to court yet. I am not going to ramble about this anymore.
I have been writing more in my notebook journal that I carry around with me alot. I was putting some real uplifting comments and some real interesting thoughts in it but the last coule of days I just cant seem to get my thoughts together.

I found this verse that I thought was uplifting:
"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow—perhaps it all will.""

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyes monster" !

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyed monster". At least for me it is. It brings out the worst in me. This is a part of me that I honestly dislike but cant change. For some people it may be the drive to do better or achieve more. I am ashamed to say for me it just hurts.

I guess I can start with where this topic of thought came from today. I watched "Sex in the City" last night. I was told that it was a good movie. I put it off until yesterday when I saw it at the library. I thought "well it's free to rent so I might as well try it out" I did enjoy watching it for the most part but I wasnt really into the adult parts. That isnt something I really like to see. But it had some humor and some very cute parts. I have to admit that it stirred some uneasy feelings of jealousy in me which I wasnt impressed with. I guess you could say that I was envious of thier ability ot be independent and wealthy on thier own. Also thier ability to be strong women which is something that I feel I am not. But I think the worst of it all was the close friendship they had with each other. I really long for that. I dont have any friends to talk to or express my thought with or to just hang out with and have fun. I relaly dont have anyone. I had that with my sister Melissa so I know what I am missing. I guess that makes it all that much harder. I have this horrible feeling inside of me even today. Why cant I just be happy for what I have? I have wonderful children. I just long for a better life. I life without this run down trailor. A life without the everyday struggle of just keeping the house warm or food on the table. I would lie if I said that part of me longs for the material things like cell phones, lap tops and nice clothes. The last couple of days there has been a new emotion that I have that I am not used to having. I still have those feelings of depression and sadness but on top of that now I have this feeling of frustation. This feeling has been peeking its head through. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I havent made up my mind on that one yet.

I have decided to create a new name for my journal or maybe even start a new one. Since most of my thoughts come from the laundry mat or the bath tub, i decided to make a name that was fitting for that. I thought of the name "private thoughts at tghe laundry mat" but i didnt want people to think it was a adult journal. And anything having anything to do with the bath tub is out of the question. lol I am not going to get frustrated. The name will come to be. Any suggestions? : )

I may want to publish this someday. My problem is that alot of my thoughts come when I am soaking in the bath tub. By the time I get out and dressed, the good, well thought out thoughts are gone. I believe I could make a million dollars if I could get the words written down before they are gone. lol

Tonight is the big GED test. Part of me cant wait until tonight. It is the start of my new life. But part of me doesnt want to go. That part of me is the enemy. That is the self distructive part of me that I have to keep locked away. That part of me will keep me from succeeding in life. The thoughts come pouring in. What if my car goes and I cant get to college? What If i cant come up with the money to go? What is the point? I battle these emotions everyday.

I am going to take some time out tonight after i get home to read some of the journals I follow. I also want to take some time out to redo my whole layout on my journal page. I need to find a picture of myself without my sister. I need to go on with my life and start my new life without her. I know deep down inside she is with me. I miss her.

Thank you for all of your comments on my journal. It relaly helps to know that someone out there is in your corner. Thank you !!

Terrified of everything

I woke up this morning feeling so horrible today. I have such negative thoughts in my head. I dont like it but I cant shake them. Nothing much is going on today. I have laundry to do at the laundry mat. My washer went. It is just one more things in my life that has gone bad. On a positive note it gives me time to write and read and have some peace while I am there doing my wash. I can do whatever I am in the mood to do. I can just stare in space if i choose to.

I am always so afraid of losing everything. I know it is going to happen. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach of impending doom. I know things are going to get worse before they get better.t have to keep my eyes on the future. This is not something that I am used to doing. Lately my eyes have been on the past. Tomorrow night is the big night for me to take my GED. I am going to get there come hell or high water. It is the first and big step towarsd hope for me and my children for the future. I must not fail.I am going to try to hold on to what I can until my life gets better. I must fight. I must keep going.

Some just posted on freecycle (a site that is made to giev away or ask for thisg that people need) that someone needs some things for her/his apartment. She/he was homeless and just had gottne an apartment. She/he has a job but has to give it all towards rent. I have been there. I wish that i could help more but I do have an extra microwave and some odds and ends that I can spare. It is times like this when i wish I could help more. When I am in the position to do more, I am going to.

I just want to get thought the day today. That is all I can ask for today. Like everyday, I miss Melissa. Since her death, I have been afraid(terrified of everything). It is defenetly a disabilty that I have.

I hope everyone has a good day. thank you for listening. ((HUGS))

Happy Thanksgiving

I know that it is late but I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My last couple of days haven't been all that good but I am hanging in there. I am having such a hard time getting over this depression. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. My husband and oldest son did all the cooking. They didnt mind. I think they actually had fun. I cried off and on but i pulled myself together and had dinner with the kids. I defenetly need an enviroment change. I dont know how long I can go living like this. My mortgage holder is really being awful. She said that even though we have been paying on time for the last year, we are still late with the back amount. The poperty should have been paid off in June. She found a buyer and is taking me to court to get me evicted. She is getting twice the amount this property is worth. I have been busting my butt paying this. I have even made a few double payments. We are about four months to go before it is ours. Not anymore. She is taking us to court. I will most likely be homeles by Christmas. I havent given up but it feels hopeless.

My mother and I arent really getting along. She wanted me and the kids to go down there and spend Christmas with them. My husband couldnt come down because of work and he would have to spend Christmas alone. I told her that I couldnt do that to him. I did that last year. I asked her if she wnated to come up here. She said she couldnt leave dad alone for Christmas. MY father has off for Christmas so would be able to come up here but refuses. I was expected to leave my husband alone but she isnt expected to leave her's alone. Anyways. She just said that she wil come after Christmas. That is ok with me but I think she is very upset about this.

Enough of the complaining.. I couldnt go to take my GED on monday night due to some very harsh winter conditions. They rescheduled it for this tuesday night. I am going to pass this and change my life. Thank you all for pulling for me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Stay safe!! HUGS Christine

GED tesd

I know I have not posted in a long while. I have not been mentally well. I have been severely depressed. I have this hopeless feeling. I cant shake it. I didnt want to write n my journal unless I had something upbeat to say. I was so tired of writing nothing but depressing things. I am scheduled to take my GED test tonight. I am so depressed that I had feelings of just not going. What would be the point?? I know that I have to make myself go. Deep inside I know this is the turning point and first step to my new life. I am so tired though. I am so mentally drained. We arent doing so good trying to kep ends meet. We have to heat the house and do our laundry in a laundry matt. My washer just went. When it rains it poors. At the end of december I wont have a car anymore. I need to come up with 315 dollars to get it fixed. I wont be able to do it. It is very hard to keep myself going. I hope I pass this test. I need this upbeat news. Wish me luck!!

sugery : (

When it rains it pours I guess. I went to the obstetrician yesterday and found out that I may need surgery. I was having pain down there all the time almost like having menstrual cramps all month long. And I bleed horribly bad during my period. The doctor checked me out and put me on Naproxen for my pain for now. That medicine makes me so tired. I hate that. Anyway, he said he wants to do an ultrasound next week to make sure I dont have any cysts. After that he wants to schedule me for a D-n-C. Then after that he wants to do something that I have never heard of before. He wants to put me to sleep and put a balloon inside of me and heat it up and burn the lining of my uterus so that I dont bleed anymore. Very bizzarre to me. He wants to do t his because of my bad reaction to medicines. This wont cause any bad side effects. This all doesnt worry me. What worries me is that my mother was diagnosed with Uterine cancer around my age. I am hoping that all the tests come back normal and I dont have anything serious. They took a pap smear and blood to check my blood cell levals to see if I am anemic and thyroid to make sure it is working right(I had lost 10 pounds quickly). He said I was abit dyhadrated and wants me to drink lots of water. (I hate drinking water). I just pray everything turns out ok.

As far as my GED it looks as if i will never get it taken. The program that I was in requires that i have my son join a program called headstart. A case worker would have to come out and see him three times a week for two hours and I owuld have to drive him to town twice a month. The twice a month thing doesnt bother me. Whgat bothers me is the case worker comeing to my house. I really dont want to draw attention to myself because i dont have normal heat right now. I am using a kerosene heater and I dont want them to think t his to be inappropriate and take my children from me. We were given a wood stove but I had gottne it too late in the season. I dont have any wood for it. I dont have a truck to pick up fire wood and didnt have time to cut my own. Another reason is that I have been tryng very hard to get a job. I cant work if I have to be here for the case worker. It is very frustrating. I cant get my GED paid unless i comply to this. I dont understand it but it is what it is.

The eye doctor, I dont want to go there. Boy am i mad!!! I called to get my daughter rechcked for her prescription. They said they cant see her anymore because i was a no show for three appointments. I know that is not true. I know that I did miss one appointment because it was the day after my sister passed away last year. I forgot to cancel the appointment. Who would have remember when they wnet through what I went t hrough the day before? Other than that, I have never been a no show for any appointment!! It is not like me to do that. I always call. As a matter of fact I am very picky. I even come 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I tried to explain to them that they must have made a mistake but she would not listen. Shge was very rude. Being that this is the only place within a 100 miles that takes my insurance, I am going to have to pay for her visit somewhere. There goes my money for my GED!! It never ends for me.

Last but least, my car is running bad. It runs worse now than it did before it went into the mechanic. I dont know what they did but it was something bad. All they did was replace the water pump and the timing belt on my car. They wont relook at it unless i pay for it. UNREAL!! I have to take it back in next month to get the other 315 dollars worth of work to it to get it inspected. I wonder what they will mess up then.

On a brighter note...I have been feeling a little less depressed. My stress level has not changed so I must be dealing with things better. I realluy would like to get a job but I have to be patient. If I get a job now my insurance will drop. I need that to get my surgery done. I just have to take one step at a time. Patience is defenetly not my virtue. lol

I am very sorry that I have not commented on people's journals. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am going to try to sit down for a couple of hours tonight and read and comment on journals. If anyone needs me for anything please feel free to e-mail me Carouselqueen70@aol.com. I try to check my e-mails everyday. Hugs to everyone.

I am going to try to take it easy today. I have very litle cleaning to do. I think i will read and try to get my mind off of things. I really would like to move closer to town eben if it means renitng again. : ( I hate the thought but going back and forth to town is getting harder and harder to do. If I am in town, the kids can do more after school activities. I think it is for the best. I may try to sell this and get a trailor in the trailor park in town. That way I can keep my pets. : ).. They allow cats and dogs. That would be nice but only a dream. I have actually been dreaming every night about moving. I am always afraid of leaving something special behind. It is a mental problem of mine. My sister was the same way but WORSE. She kept things in boxes and had a whole room full of boxes. Trying to get her to give anything away was impossible,. She would say ,"what if i need it later?? " Of course she never would. I was like that but caught myself and got rid of alot of stuff. I am still trying to find homes for some of my things.

Well I will close this journal entry befor i write a book. Thank you all for being there for me and taking the time to read my journal and comment. I know how hard it is to find time to read journals. Stay safe everyone.....

very peaceful day

I had a very uneventful day I am please to say. I spent most of the day playing games with my 4 year old. After the older kids got out of school we went to the library to get books. Then we can home and had an odd supper of waffles and bacon. I am just very happy that nothing bad happened or there wasnt any bad news. That was nice for a change. Tomorrow morning I go to a meeting to determine when I take my GED. I will keep everyone posted on how that goes. Thank you all for being there for me... (((HUGS)))

Hanging on with God's help

First of all I want to say thank you for all the comments and suggestions about my daughter and her grades. I am really concerned with it. I want my children to live better than I do. And I know that getting good grades is the beginning of it. Good study habits really are a plus.

I picked my car up from the shop today. I didnt get everything fixed but I had the important things finished. I have 300 more dollars to come up with to get it inspected. It sure is better than having to come up with 800 dollars. The only bill that I am late with now is the electric bill. That company is sure being a pain in the butt. I keep giving them money and they will say everything is ok. A week later I am having to pull some more money together. They know they are getting LIHEAP soon so I dont kow why they are pressuring me. I owe 216 dollars now. Most of it isnt even late. They are just very picky. My other utilities are very lenient and understanding.

Today wasnt a bad day all and all. I was very lazy and bought McDonald's for the kids for supper. I didnt feel like the after dinner mess cleanup. I enjoyed eating out even if it was only McDonalds. It doesnt help my diet any though. : (

My son had his birthday yesterday. He is now 4 years old. The years fly by. I remember when he was first born. He was so tiny. I miss those days except for the four hour feedings. lol.. He didnt get much for his birthday. He got a car and a play cell phone from me . My mother sent him some money and bought him some PUTT PUTT computer games. He loves them. If any body is looking for computer games for toddlers, this is a great game. He never gets bored with them and it makes him think and learn computer skills. It is about a car and his quest to help people find things. There is one from the moon , zoo, circus and goes through. They are really good games.

I am hanging in there. I know things will get better for me someday. I hope things are going well for everyone.

HUGS

Meeting for GED

I guess I decided to use the GED meeting as a subject line of my journal today because it is the biggest thing in my life right now. It's the only life changing thing going on right now. Lorretta, my case worker for my GED, wants me to come in on Wednesday and sit down and talk to her about taking my GED sooner than planned and closer to where i live. I am all game for that. I just want to get this over with and go on with my next step. My next step will be finding a job and then going to college but not necessarily in that order.

This morning was really cold. I despise cold mornings. I already have a hard time getting out of bed. I really don't have any reason to get out of bed today. How many times can you clean a small trailer? There just isn't anything else for me to do.

My ten year old daughter is failing school. I think part of it has to do with the fact that she just cant sit still or keep organised. I think she is a dreamer. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as you dream when you shouldn't be learning your school work. I have to call the eye doctor today for her. She has now managed to break three eye glasses in the last year. It is getting to be too expensive!! She is something else. You would think my boys would be the destructacons but no it is her. She is hard on her clothes and everything else around her. She broke the zipper on her book bag. I don't have anywhere around here to get her a new one. She is a joy sometimes. My 16 year old son has used the same book bag for two years now. She is definitely a very high maintenance child. But I love her just the same.

Well I am going to go and get a hot bowl of soup and maybe read my book. I have been reading about Mystic places. I love reading about the pyramids and Stonehenge etc... I love reading non fiction books. I am not much reading books that don't have some kind of true information in them. I hope everyone stays warm.

keeping myself stable

I have been trying to deal with things the best I can. I am trying not to waste my already short life with worry. I have been trying to just raise my kids and keep things afloat. It has been a challenge. But I am doing it.

I have a prayer request. My online friend,Will, is in the hospital with two failed kidney's. He isnt doing very well as of now. His wife, Patty, is a sweet girl. She is not taking it very well. On top of dealing with this, she has young children to take care of. Please take time and say a small prayer. She really needs all the prayer she can get,

As far as the election. I, myself, am republican. But I am mature enough to try to have faith in our government. Maybe Obama will do ok. Maybe he will fix things at least somewhat. He has alot on his plate. I hope he can handle it. I will pray for him that he will make the right decisions for our country. God Bless him.

My case worker(Loretta) at Career Link has found a place where I can take my GED early. I really need to pass this test so that I can take my next step leading my to my new and more stable life. That is all I want for My children and I. Fist things first, Passing that test. Loretta thinks I will ace it. She has more confidence in me than I do.

I am very sorry that I have not been able to comment on everyone's journals. I hope to be able to have five seconds to sit down later with a cup of hot tea and read and comment in journals. I miss everyone alot!! Feel free to e-mail me anytime.

(((HUGS))

keep on trucking along

I took my car to the shop today to get it inspected. It is going to cost me 856 dollars. You think that I would just lose it. But surprisingly, i took it ok. Just another page in my life. I have two months to get it done. I have all but 315 dollars of it. This is why I saved money until it really hurt. I dont know what my life brings me. I just have been learning to take it day by day. Things will change someday for me. I know it will. I am still depressed but feeling better. I am not nearly as bad. I always go in cycles with that. It is so hard but i manage to make it. Everytime my children smile or say they love me makes my life worth living. I know I have to keep on going. Life will change for me. I know it will. I know it wont change by itself. I have to make it change. At least I have the chance to change my life for the better. There are people who dont have that chance. I will be ok.. I know I will even though somedays I dont think so.

Tomorrow is trick or treat time. My 10 year old daughter is going to be a witch and my 3 year ols son is going to be a mouse. I bought these costumes over the summer at a yard sale. I paid 1 dollar a piece for them. I am thrifty like that. I am looking forward to getting out of the house and walking around town some. I dont get out much. They will have alot of fun.

well I will close this entry with a joke i thought was funny. Happy trick or treating everyone.

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!' The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

Stay safe everyone!!