Why Worry?

"Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:1 NLT


When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT

I wanted to make worry the main topic of my journal today because I live with extreme worry everyday. It wastes my energy. This is energy that i could use to try to solve the horrible financial problems that I have. Worrying makes me literally physically ill. It drags every bit if energy I have from my body. It makes me depressed with the feeling hopelessness and dread. That isnt living. I need to learn to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done. That is what I have been striving for for many months. Peace.... I just want some peace even if it is only for a brief while.

I prayed this morning to thank God for another day. For another day to make things right. Another chance to reach my goal. He is not responsible for the choices I make. I am. I just ask that he give me the strenghth and the knowledge to make the right choices for my family (kids, pets and everyone)

I feel as every decision lies on my shoulders. I have three kids and 5 animals who rely on the choices I make. am I up to handleing it? I hope so. That is why I pray for strenghth. I want my children to be proud of me. To grow up to adults who dont quit. I dont want them to see me in that depressed state again. I am feeling a bit better. I hope this lasts for awhile. My 16 year old son knows when I get bad. He just takes over the household chores and even cooks for me. I feel sorry for me that he has to do that because his mother gets that depressed but he weathers it like a champ. He is a good kid and I am very proud of him. The one dog we have also knows when i get depressed and weak. He whines and cries and wants to stay with me at all times. It is weird how they pick up on my feelings.

Well this was probably a mistake but there was this aquaintence of mine who had a dog. Well she said she was going to put him to sleep if she didnt find a home for him by the end of the weekend , she was oging to put him down. He is only a 7 month old pit bull mix. He is a sweet and loving dog. Of course i was stupid and although I have severe financial problems , I brought him home. There isnt anything wrong with him, He is a great dog. he didnt deserve to die. I am going to keep him for a week or two to see what his mannerisms are then I am going to try to find him a home. I dont think i will have a problem being that he is so well behaved and plays with the kids. I guess I am just too kind hearted. I think people feed on that all the time. What a push over I am!!!! It is shameful!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on new meds for my depression. I was a biut scared because of the side affects that I had with my other medicines. He said ths one is different. The worst I should get is the shakes and some dizziness until I get used to it. He put me on a very low dose for now and he is going to work myself up. I have been sleeping very well since on the medicine and feeling alot better. It wont change my situation but I am hoping that it will help me deal with it better.

I cant go take my last part of my GED test tomorrow night as I thought I could. My daughter has a Christmas concert and I really need to go to that. I will have to reschedule. I really wanted to get it over with but the concert means alot to her. I have to go.

What really bothers me is that I wont have any presents for the kids. At least not like I wanted to. I wanted to make thier Christmas happy. I am just dissapointed that I cant do more. I got them a couolle of very little things and the Christmas house here in town said they are going to get some things together for us. Bless them. Without them they wouldnt have gotten anything. They are good people there. An older lady runs the program. She is about 88 years old and is such a sweet lady. She tries to help people all she can.Times are hard. Bless her.

My sister used to make all her Christams gifts. They made them much more special. She was really into the Christmas spirit.

nothing has changed.

I am still trying to shake this depression. I didnt get out of bed until noon. Then all I did was cry for the first two hours of being awake. I know people will sometimes say that am feling sorry for myself or that I just need to shake it off. This is not true. My mind has been more on my children than myself. And as far as shaking it off, it isnt as easy as it sound. My mother quoted a Bible verse and sai to me that my children will suffer for the sins of thier parents. She said that is just how it is. I think it also says that we are supposed to be together as a family. I dont want money from my mom as much as I just want her support and someone to talk to.
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.
I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.

broke down last night

Last night I just couldnt take it anymore. I was doing so good lately with my attitude but I really think I had a small nervous break down last night. I still dont have hot water. My house looks like a tornado blew through it and i just cleaned it yesterday. I am tired emotionally and worn out physically. I cant sleep at night because of worry. Last night i sat down on the floor in the kitchen and just cried for an hour. My kids saw this and I feel so ashamed of myself. My youngest son came over to me and hugged me and said I love you mommy. My daughter kept asking me if i was ok. If my mother found out about this she will say that I should have never done that in front of my kids. I am not a robot. I have feelings and frustrations. Why cant my children see that?I wasnt screaming or throwing things around. I just queitly cried. I guess I have just had enough. I was even wondering if life was worth living until my little ones came over and gave me a hug. I need to stay here for them. They need me. I am letting them down. No hot water and no security when it comes to our place to live. My mother has offered to take the little two in her home. They would have better lives because my mother has lots of money. They would hurt for nothing. I dont want to split my family up. I would miss my children. They would be five hours away. My mother would never give them back. She did that to my oldest daughter when I was going through a divorce. I didnt have anywhere to go because my husband owned the house we were living in. My mom offered to take my daughter in her home until I had worked things out and found myself somewhere to go. When i did find somewhere to go that was suitbale, she had already went behind my back and had gotten temperary custody and refused to return her to me. Enough complaining. I have to get some cleaning done and heat up some water for a bath which takes forever. God Bless