keeping myself busy

I guess what is really bothering me today is that I really miss my sister. On saturday it was the anniversary of her passing. I am not really taking it all that well. It still seems like a dream to me. It hurts so bad that I can barely breath. She was such a big part of my life. She was the only friend I had. Melissa was the one that I went to when I had a problem . She also came to me. We leaned on each other all the time. She was my rock. Now I feel unstable. I feel like there is a big hole in my life that I just cant fill. I want her back so much. I know she is in a better place but my selfishness just wants her back. She was only 29!! We had so many years to spend with each other. We were robbed of that. I get so angry I made myself get out of bed today. I did some cleaning. I hated every minute of it but I knew i couldnt just lay in bed all day . I had to get up and do something. Yesterday I made myself get out of bed but all I did was lay on the couch. I am having such a hard time getting out of this depression. There is just so much going on in my life right now. Everything is just so out of control. I am alwasy on the verge of losing everything. This takes such a toll on me. I really wish that I could find a good friend to talk to. Soneone to hangout with. Go to lunch with. see a movie with. I have such a hard time making friends. Where would I even begin? I really miss having someone close to me to talk to and spend time with. I really long for a friendship. I just dont know how to get one. I am not exactly and easy person to be friends with. I have the depression and sometimes mood swings. I guess I am going to be alone forever. I would like to find a placein town to live where I can at least keep my cat. I am a big dog person but lately my cat has been a very good friend to me. He has been laying with me alot and following me around. He is my only friend. Silly isnt it? I keep myself going for the kids. They need me. I have given up on being happy for now. Maybe it is beyond my control. Maybe I just need alot more time to get over my loss. I thought that in a year I would feel better. It hurts just as much now as it did when she first left me. I was there when she slipped away. I felt helpless. I yelled her name out when she passed out. I knew she was gone. After the perimedics came and took her to t he hospital. I drove there hoping that she was ok. I knew in my heart that she was gone. After many hours waiting in the hospital for some papers to go through for the organ donation, i went home. I got out of my car and I swear I saw her in t he window of our house standing there. I passed out on the ground. My brother in law had to wake me up and take me in the house. I think to this day they think I am crazy. But I swear I saw her. Well enough of this sadness. i know that I dont have alot of readers because of the way I write. I just write how I feel even if it is sad and depressing. I hope I have better things to write tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Someday this has got to end. My depression cant last forever. I have to find peace someday. It is hard to live in sadness. God Bless