Thursday, January 8, 2009


Update I just got me GED scores back. I passed. I barely passed math but I did it!!! My scores were all really high in the top 99 percentile but math was only 58 percent. YES!!! Now I can start the next step in my life!!! I am so high right now with joy!! I have never been this proud of myself ever. Is it wrong to be so proud? Thank you all for being there for me.

Decisons to make

I have had a very good couple of days. I have felt fine. Today I am a bit depressed and trying not to slip back into deep depression. As I have said before, I have been trying to find homes for some of my dogs because of not being able to feed or take care of them like we should. We have four here. Two of them were my sisters who passed away. I have put up ads and put ads in the paper for months and noone has been interested. Today out of t he blue someone called. I am happy and sad at the same time. I have grown attached to my sister's dogs. I have a decision to make. Struggle trying to feed them or let them go. My brother in law who lives here with me does not help with the dogs. It is insane!! Those were his wife's dogs. The one dog's name is Billy. He is 12 years old and follows me everywhere. He is a golden retreiver mix. He isnt real good with kids and he defenetly isnt a playful guy. He loves me so this is very hard. I know that if something happens and I have to leave here, I may have to put him to sleep due to his age. I feel this is his last chance to get a home. I am so upset. I didnt expect to get a phone call. The other dog's name is Phantom. He is a Jack russel/ chiuaua mix. He is 6 years old. defenetly not good with kids. In fact he has snapped at mine a few times. He goes after my other dogs. My opinion is t hat he should be put down. There is a reason why he is like that. : ( I will try to explain this.
There was a dark side to my sister that I never said to anyone. She was very possessive and controlling and she always had to keep people and animals almost in a cage. This side of her I did not want to talk about until now. She never let me have any kids. She would take control over the care of my children to the point where they would ask her if they could have something. She took control of our finances (which she didnt do a very good job of) I had didnt have any friends. Everytime I would try to have a friend, she would wreck it. To get back to the dog... (sorry I am rambling) She would keep her dogs and cats in the house away from anything. I understood the cats but she wouldnt walk the dogs or anything. She would only let them out to go to the bathroom. When I offered to take the dogs for a walk, she would get angry and think I was taking them from her. The last three weeks of her life, she wasnt getting mych oxygen. She was refusing treatment. ( i didnt know this at all until after her death) Her mind wasnt working right.
She was so mean to Phantom. She would hit him with her walker when he tried to get near her. She would scream at him when things werent going right for her. She was doing the same with me and my children. ( the yelling part anyways..she didnt hit us) I tried to keep the dog away from her but she would yell that I was trying to take everything from her. We fought alot about the treatment of the dog. After that this dog has been very unstable. Unfortunelty he needs to be put down. I just dont feel it is my responsibility to do it but I will end up having to.I think some of the issues stemmed from her not being physically able to control everything. This was uncomfortable for her. She just couldnt let me take over for awhile. She needed a break and I needed my life back.
Please dont think bad thoughts about my sister. This was her dark side. She was very loving. She had a bright side as well. She had bipolar disorder so bad but refused to get treatment for it. She was laways there for me when I needed her. I loved her very much. But when she died she left not only piles of bills I was unaware of but she left alot of hurt feelings because of the way she was at the end. I forgave her and miss her. I wish that I could turn back the clock and talk things out with her. I know that is not possible so I live with the guilt of how things were between me and her at the end. Sorry for the rambling. It started out about the dogs and it ends with my sister like it always does.
The main idea of this whole thing is that I have to make this decision. I know that it is for the best that the dogs go to new homes. It will probably be best for all of us. It is just hard to let go.
When the two are gone, I will only have two left. My poodle mix and my rotty mix. I hope that I will be able to keep them. I raised them and they are wonderful dogs. I will have to post pics. I have rambled enough. I am so frustrated that my GED test scores till have not gotten back to me. UGH!!!!! I need to go on to the next step. As soon as I get those scores the education council is going to get me into school. They help get you into LPN classes given at the local hospital. I just want to get on with my life. I hate waiting. I am not patient at all.
Before I go I just want to thank a few of my friends for helping me through this. Nancy, Thank you for all the e-mails of support. I dont know what I would do without you. DB..Thank you for talking to me when I needed someone to talk to. Janie...Thank you for all your prayers (I need them) Linda..Thank you for making me smile..I also want to thank

Monday, January 5, 2009

stress test all completed

I went to take my stress test this morning. The doctor said it went well. I am relieved. I guess it is just stress afterall. I guess I will know when i see the doctor to go over my results. I had to get up very early to get the test done. I hate mornings when i am not depressed. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 11:00. Another reason to get out of bed. I have to drag myself out but at least I do.

Everything is pretty quiet today. I hope it remains that way. It was the first day of the kids ogng back to school. They didnt want to get up. I thought it was going to take a small crane in order to get them up. lol I guess it was expected having been able to sleep in for two weeks. I am glad to have everything back to normal.

My Aunt mailed me a Christmas card. She wrote a letter with it. I really miss talking to her and thought maybe I could reconnect with her so I wrote her back. I am hopeing this becomes a trend. I really need some connection to me family. I really dont get that much with my mother.

I am still waiting for my GED results to come back. It is taking forever!! I just want to see what my next step in life is.(possiblitly of college or a retake of the math exam) I am so nervous about it. I hope it comes in soon.

Well I am going to lay down for a bit. It has been an early morning for me today. I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe and God Bless.