Friday, May 30, 2008

Just for a laugh

After I had gotten home from my long walk with my dogs, I had gotten on to check my e-mails. Someone sent me this and it put a smile on my face. I decided to share the smile and put it in my journal. I hope everyone has a safe weekend.


Birth order of children

First baby:You begin to wear maturnity clothes as soon as your Ob/GYN confirms your pregnancy

second Baby:You wear your regular clothes as long as possible

third baby:Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes

Preparing for Birth

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously

second baby:You don't bother because after the first baby, you found out that breathing doesnt do a thing.

third baby: You ask for an epidural that eighth month of your pregnancy

The Layette

First baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color cordinate them and fold them perfectly in the baby's bureau

Second baby: You check to make sure the baby's clothes are clean and discard the ones with the dark stains

third baby:Boy's can wear pink can't they


first baby: The first sign of distress ven a whimper you pick the baby up

second baby: You pick him/her up when the wails threaten to wake up your frist born

third baby: You teach your three year old how to wind the mechanical swing


first baby: If the pacifier falls out of the baby's mouth you put it away until you can get home and wash and boil it

second baby: When the pacifier falls out you squirt it with some juice until you can get home

third baby: You wipe it off on y our shirt and pop it back in


first baby: You change your baby's diapee every hour whether it needs it or not

second baby: You changet he baby's diaper every two to three hours when needed.

Third baby: You try to change the baby's diapers before someone starts to complain about the smell or the diaper is hanging down below his/her knees


first baby: you take your baby to the baby gym. baby swing, baby gymnastics

second baby:you take your infant to baby gymnastics

Third baby: You take your infant to the grocery store and the cleaners

Going out

First baby: The first time you leave your baby at a sitter's you call every five minutes

second baby: Just before you walk out the door you remember to leave the number of where you can be reached

third baby: You leave instructions for the baby to only call if she sees blood

At home

first baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby

second baby: You spend a good part of the day watching to make sure the older sibling is not sqeezing, hitting or choking the other baby

third baby:You spend a litte bit of every day hiding from the children

swallowing coins

first baby: When your first child swalows a coin you take your child to the hospital emergency room demanding x rays

second baby: when your second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch until he passes the coin

third baby: When a third child swallow a coin ,you deduct it from thier allowance




The big day

Well today is the exciting day for me. I have mixed feelings about the weekend. I hope that everything goes well. It is really weird to look forward to something and also dread it at the same time. I will inform everyone how it went. I hope I have good things to say. I am bringing my bubbles with me. Blowing bubbles makes me feel calmer for some reason. My dog , Billy, is absolutely hilarious. When I blow the bubbles, he gos after them.He barks at them  He jumps at them and tries to eat them. lol They smell good but yuck.  He could do that for hours. He is such a special dog. He is 13 years old. Everyday I am afraid that something will happen to him because of his age. I try to let him do what he wants to do. He loves playing in  the creek. He loves to swim when we take him to the park. Everyday he is here is a blessing. I hope that I never have to make the decision to put him to sleep. I will make that decision if I have to but I am hoping that he will just go peacefully on his own someday. Once again he is bugging me now for a walk. He would go for walks all day if I would take him. I guess in a way it is good for me since I have to lose alot of weight. I guess I will get off of here and take him. I hope everyone one has a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

count down till the weekend

Thank you, Rose, for the pretty graphic of the snow globe : )

Another day closer to the visit from my mother, I have mixed feelings about the visit. I love my mom and I am looking forward to seeing her. By the end of the weekend,however, we will be most likely arguing quietly about something. We always find something that we disagree with. I try to just let things fly by that she says. Life is too short to argue with her. She could be less judgmental and more careful about the words she uses sometimes. I let her say hurtful things to me sometimes without saying a word. I dont know if she means to be like that or she just doesnt realize she is hurting my feelings. I dont know.

On a happy note, I met someone last night online who has alot in common with me. We chatted online for quite some time. It was really nice to talk to someone who understands how I feel. I really hope that we get to know each other better. I consider him a much valued friend. Thank you, DB, for taking the time out to get to know me. : )

I am going to go now and take my dogs out for thier daily walk. My dog, Billy, as usual keeps bumping my hand when I am trying to type. He is saying "let's go mom. It is a nice day out". I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Because of my visit from my mom, I probably wont be able to post anything until Sunday. Stay safe everyone!! God Bless

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just another day



I don't know why I feel the way I do today. I am so down and depressed.I am thinking of just letting go of this property and moving downstate near my family. My mother isn't exactly supportive and we aren't very close but at least it would be someone. I am all alone here. I have worked so hard to keep this property afloat the last few months. My sister had not paid mortgage for 8 months prior to her death. She spent the money I gave her on other things. We shared the same property with two trailers on it. It has been hard to keep my house from being taken. Plus she was two years behind on taxes. I had to pay that off. It would be a shame to abandon it now. I just don't know what to do. If I leave here, I will have to live in a shelter downstate because my mother wont let me stay with her. She said it is because my father would go crazy with the kids around. I know they would probably put me in low income housing. I would go and leave all my things behind and start over with nothing. I have no way of getting my stuff down there. It would be just me, the kids and whatever I could fit in the car. That is very scary. If I left here, what would be my fait? With my bad credit the way it is , I would never be able to own anything again. I dont know what to do. I really am very stressed about this.

My son and I have not been getting along. He is 15 almost 16 years old. He disagrees with everything I say. My 19 year old daughter and I had never gone through anything like this. My son and I have done nothing but argue. If i said the sky was blue< he would say it was purple. It doesn't matter what we talk about. We have always gotten along so t his has been something different. Does anyone have any advice for me?

My mother and oldest daughter are coming up on Friday to see me. They are staying in a hotel because they refuse to stay with me because the invaders are living next to me. I am going to stay there with them for the weekend. It will be nice to see my mother and daughter. But on the other hand, it will be very stressful because we don't really get along well, my mother anyway. She has alot of money and I don't. I am barely making it. To me it doesn't matter but to her it does. She looks down on me. She'll want to do things while we are here that I don't have the money to do. And trust me she will rub it in. I really need my mom right now. I have alot of hard decisions to make that I wish she would talk to me and help me decide what to do.

I hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weekend. Stay safe everyone.


Friday, May 23, 2008

went to couciling yesterday

Hello everyone in J-land. I went to my counciling appointment yesterday. It went very well I think. I loved the councilor who was assigned to me. She is really nice and she seems understanding. I know that it is her job to try to be understanding but it is important for me to be comfortable with someone I will be talking to. She is going to have me write a journal of my feelings. I said that would be easy because I do that already. lol She is also going to try to help me to find a support system outside of online friends. I told her that I talk to peope on here better than in person and she said that was ok. She wants to work on my self esteem and to help me deal with all the loss that I have experienced in the last few months. I have to see her once a week. I also have to see a phychiatrist. I am not too thrilled with being put on meds. I would really like to do this without meds.( At least try to anyways)

When I got home I found out that my roommates (I call them that even thought they live in a whole other trailor) mother and father passed away yesterday in a car accident. I almost cried. That is so horrible. I made them supper so they wouldnt have to worry about it. As much trouble as they have caused me, I still felt the need to help them. I hate to see people hurting. I know what it is like myself. His wife wasnt very ncie about the whole thing. She said that her husband's mother was a witch anyways. What a way to be there for your husband when he is hurting!!! Unbelievable!! She needs to grow up. Some people can be so cold. I didnt know his mother or sister but i felt as if I wanted to cry.

Well I guess I will close this journal entry for now. My roomates phone was turned off from them not paying and they are constantly using mine every minute of the day. I have got to learn to just say "no". I just cant. I dont mind emergences but she calls all her friends and everything.

My dogs are bugging me to go for a walk. They are like children. They are sitting next to me now nudging my hand when I am trying to type. They are sitting beside me whining and barking. Gees No patience!! lol J/K I love them and dont mind the walks. It is good for me anyways. I hope everyone has a safe weekend!!! You are all in my prayers.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

One of my bad days


I am definitely not having a very good day today. I didn't get out of bed until 1. That is just embarrassing and awful. When I got out of bed I went and took a bath. I thought that would wake me up. I felt so lethargic. I started to feel dizzy while I was in the bath tub and a yelled for my husband. He tried to help me out but I ended up falling. I hurt my hip a bit. I felt as if I was going to throw up. I got myself dressed. I say down on the couch for awhile. I just feel so out of it today. I don't know what is wrong. I have a counciling appointment tomorrow at 2. Maybe that will help some with my depression. Some days I feel as if I could conquer the world and other days I will be lucky to get out of bed.

To make matters worse, My wonderful neighbor(and I use that word lightly) came storming over here saying the phone was shut off. My brother in law was nice enough to leave the phone on over there in his name after he moved out and they moved in. They expected him to pay the bill every month out of the four hundred they were giving us for rent!!!!! Insane!!! She came over here grabbed the phone and yelled. On her way out the door I said "I don't need this I am sick" I was saying this to my husband. Apparently she thought I was calling her a B*%CH. I didn't say that. I heard her over there yelling about me calling her that. I went over there feeling dizzy and told her  that I said I was sick. She said sorry but I didn't need this today. They are now claiming that they have been giving us 450 a month for all the utilities. That is such a lie!! I cant believe I actually tried to help these people!!!! I don't want to throw them out. I am not like that. Today was just not the day for this. It must be nice to pay only 400.00 a month for a place to live, a phone and electric, and cable!!! Don't we all wish we had it that lucky!! Well I guess I will close this entry. I really shouldn't be complaining about people like this. I should be helping people without complaining. I hope everyone in J-land is doing well. Hugs to all.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Too Much Thinking

Today I think I did too much thinking about things that are far in the future. I woke up thismoring about 9 am. My husband had gotten the kids up for school. I feel guilty about that but I usually don't get to sleep until 3 am.I go to bed early but I don't fall asleep until then. My three year old slept late. He is a night owl like his mother. lol I am trying to take my friends advice and try to think of 5 things that I have that I am thankful for. I went for a walk after breakfast with the dog. We walked probably a good mile this morning. The walk started out good but my mind ended up wondering thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking of at the time. "Back taxes, bills, my husband without a job" These thought put me into a hopeless frame of mind. By the time I had gotten home I felt as if I wanted to go to bed. I couldn't though because I had a doctor's appointment at 11. I just felt as if there isn't any way out of my financial disaster!! I don't have anyone to talk to since my sister has gone to be with our Lord. I don't have any friend. I feel so alone right now. : ( I have a problem being around people. I would love to have friends but when I am around people I dont know, I tend to have severe panic attacks. I really dont think people like me all that much. : ( When my daughter turned 8 years old, I had a birthday party for her at McDonald's. I really had bad panic attacks. I tried to talk to the other parents but I didn't know what to say. It didn't help that they all knew each other very well and kind of left me out of their conversations. The small town click as someone told me. All I have are my children and my dogs. Don't get me wrong they are the loves of my life. I wouldn't be truly alive without them. What would I do without them!?!

I went to the doctor's today. They seem to be actually listening this time!! I am so scared about taking medicine. I always have bad reactions to them. They say that has alot to do with my Fibro. Will nothing help me!?! I have night mares every night especially about my sister. That image of her dieing haunts me at night. Watching her die was the most horrible thing. I am glad that I was with her though so that she wasn't alone or with strangers. I also have alot of guilt for having angry feelings about her dieing. "SHELEFT ME!!" That is the side of me that i don't like much. I know she is in a better place. But I miss her so much. I know I keep bringing her up but she is on my mind everyday. I cant even watch movies that we had watched together alot. Her death has changed my life there is no doubt about that. The doctor is sending me to Bradford for some help. Bradford is about an hour away from me. It will be rough especially since we are so low on money. It has been years since I have been truly happy. Being with my sister made life bearable. She understood me. She was my rock so to say. Now I have to learn to be strong without her. There will always be a hole in my heart. : (

I have been carrying around a notebook to write down my feelings all day. I write things in it from time to time especially when I have to wait at an appointment or something. I hope this will help me balance my emotions better. . I hope it helps some.I will share some of it with my J-land friends.

I am going to finish cleaning my house and making dinner. I am actually cooking a roast tonight. After I get the dishes finished I am going to go for another walk with the dog. Hopefully I won't come home like I did this morning,. Hopefully I wont be bugged by my new invaders "so called friends" who moved in next door in my sister's trailer. They always try to drag me into their problems. I LOVE to help people but they just want too much from me. I have a very hard time saying no to anyone. I need to deal with my own emotional problems for the sake of my children. I have gone above and beyond for these people. I don't think I have anymore of myself to give.

Anyway, I am going to try to think of 5 happy things to be thankful for and 5 good things about myself every morning before I get up. It will be hard since I have really low self esteem. Bye for now J-Land friends. Hugs to all...Stay safe

Monday, May 19, 2008

Trying to keep my chin up

Hello all.. I am trying to keep my chin up. I have been having alot of anxiety panic attacks and have had to take alot of xanax to keep myself calm. I have had severe stomach problems the last couple of days. (i think are stress related) I do feel better today though. I didnt get the job at the grocery store. : ( That kind of knocked my spirits down s few nothches. I am going to spply for a different positon to see if I can get the job. I havent been in the workforce in so long. I think it has been about 9 or 10 years. It would take a lot of time to get used to but i know I would enjoy getting my own paycheck. My husband still has not found any work. I think we have about given up hope. In one year we will have this place payed off and we will own it,. We are trying so hard to hold on to it at least until then. Then we can sell it or stay depending on the situation. I would hate to leave the property now after we have struggled so hard to keep it. If I leave it, I will be moving downstate and will end up in a shelter for awhile. The people staying in the trailor next to us arent helping much like they said they would. I told them if they would help with everything then I would give them a piece of this property that they can own. They were supposed to help with back taxes and the electric bill but they dont do either even though they use our electric. The electric is in both trailors. They also have access to our cable at thier trailor. It is insane. The husband is mean to his family and it is hard to watch. He is alwasy butting his nose in my family saying that I am too lenient and always telling my husband that he needs to take control of his wife. It is insane. My husband and I have enough problems without thier interference. Without thier 400 dollars a mont we will lose the house. I am in a rock and a hard place so to speak.

On a brighter note. My 19 year old daughter is doing so good in college. I am so proud of her. My 15 year old son is doing good in school and plans to play football again this coming year. I am proud of him also. He found me crying in my room yesterday and he actually came in to talk to me. He said that he isnt happy unless his mother is happy. He is a wonderful kid. I told him to let me worry about everything and he should worry about school and football. He is so smart for a 15 year old and knows we are struggling. I feel really bad about that. But he knows that I love him very much and I am trying real hard to keep things afloat. My husband just isnt on the same page as me when it comes to keeping things afloat but we will make it. I love my husband but he can act like such a child. He isnt very responsible. I am the one who has to do everything and figure everything out. He doesnt understand the severity of our situation. i feel like I am in this alone sometimes. There are times when I feel like I should leave him and just be and just be on my own. My brother in law lives with us since my sister has died. He has been very helpfuland has helped with bills and he has been a wonderful person to talk to. I miss my sister so very much!!!! He misses her very much too but he doesnt talk about her as much as I do. Well i hope everyone is enjoying spring. Here in the mountains of Pa, we dont start our spring until June. It is sleeting outside and is about 30 deprees. I really need to move back downstate where my friends and family are. I really feel trapped here. Everyone is 5 hours away from me. I feel all alone here since my sister has passed on. I dont know anyone here very well. I would love to have friends but i am very shy socially and tend to have panic attacks when I am around new people. PLus I love so far out of town. I cant afford the gas to go meet freinds. I thank God everyday for my Jland friends. Stay Safe everyone.












Thursday, May 8, 2008

A light in the darkness

Hello All. I pulled this off of someone else's journal but I loved it so much that I decided to put it on mine. I truly mean the statement that it says. Thank you all for being there for me. I value everyone's comments and advice.

I have some good news to say today. (for once) I had gotten a phone call about a job today. It is just a smalll part time job at the grocery store. I have an interview on monday. I am so nervous. I would really love to work again and it would really help to have some extra money into the house. I just pray that I get the job. I think it will do me good emotionally. All I do is sit int the houseand worry and worry. I guess I am too big of a worrier. I am alwasy afraid of things being taken from me. Not nesecarily material things but loved ones. I guess since my sister died , I am so afraid that I will lose someone else that I love. I need to get over this and start to live again. I think this job will really help me to do this.

The county that I live in (Potter County) is really hurting job wise. There really isnt anything here for anyone to do work wise. I really think that we all need help. I was wondering if anyone thinks that a letter to my congressman would make a difference. I would try if I thought it would make a difference. I dopnt want to leave my home but I will have to if my husband cant find a job good enough to support us. My small job isnt going to do it but it would help. He will run out of unemployment in six months and then we are in big trouble. Some people say that I shouldnt worry so far in the future but I am alwasy like that. My mind is always working in the future. I am alwasy trying to prepare myself for the worst. I feel very uneasy that we dont really have any money to use if the car breaks down. I get stressed out when I am not in control of the situation. I am trying realy hard to take it one day at a time. Today I was very depressed and felt like sleeping all day until I have gotten the phone call about the job. I just pray that I get it. I want to stay here where we are. My kids are doing so well here in school. Especially my oldest son who has ADD. He works so hard and struggles to keep his grades up. I am so proud of him. Well I guess I will let everyone go. I really hope everyone is well. I will write agaon soon. I amtrying to get in the habit of at least writing in my journal at least every other day. I am going out to take a walk with my dogs. God Bless everyone.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

sometimes strong and sometimes weak


Hello all. I am having an ok day today so far. Some days I feel strong and other days I feel weak like I cant go on anymore. But someone I just keep going.

My son has weight lifting to do this eveing at the school so I am going to take the little ones to have supper at the park. We are just having an easy meal of sandwiches. I love getting away from the house because of our unwanted neighbors. I try to stay away from them as much as possible. Everytime I see them they want another ride somewhere. It is exhausting but I like to help so I tend to get railroaded into doing it. I slept in this morning. I felt guilty about that but I must have needed the sleep. I slept until 10:30 and my youngest son slept in too. I am going to go to the library as well today. They have free movies to rent and I like to rent one every now and then for something relaxing to do in the late evening. I have to be very careful abotu the movies I watch because I am sensitive of what I see. Horror flicks are way out of the question. I am not much into sad ending movies either. I guess I am just a big baby who loves family movies only. I have to get some things together for our family picnic. I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. Here is  joke someone sent me. I thought it was funny so I thought I would share it with everyone.


 2 cows standing in a pasture...

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Thank you

Thank you for all the comments on my journal.It made me smile to know that there are still alot of caring people in the world.I am very much a loner other  than  my online friends. I keep to myself alot of the time. I really don't know how to talk to people face to face. I actually have panic attacks when I talk to people sometimes. I am not very good in crowds. I did, however, go to the Maple festival here in town yesterday.We took our golden retriever, Billy. He loves people and he is very good company to me. I really enjoyed myself. The kids rode some rides. My daughter rode the spinning ride three times. She had alot of fun. We had food at the festival. I really didn't like the taste of it so I didn't eat very much. I have never been much into festival food. We all went yard saleing afterwards. I do love yard saleing. I think every woman does. lol.... We then went to the park and let the kids have time to play. Billy (our dog) went swimming in the river. He had a wonderful time. Billy is a great dog. I was so tired when we got home yesterday that I fell fast asleep on the couch. My husband left me sleep there because I have been having such a hard time falling asleep at night that he said it was nice to see me sleep so peacefully.It was really nice to get away from our new neighbors.

Today I spent the day walking the dogs. We had alot of cleaning to do but my husband said that he would do it and I could walk the dogs for the day. He can be very caring sometimes. And sometimes he can be very non understanding. We are trying to work things out but I don't know yet what the future will bring. We are still struggling on money wise. I know that part of it is my fault for not going to college and getting myself a degree in something. I have always wanted to be a nurse but just never went to college. I know I should motivate myself and go as soon as we get stable money wise here. I hope tomorrow is also a good day but two days in a row that are good was alot to ask for as it is. Tomorrow is shopping day. My wonderful neighbors have already bugged for a ride and I said no because I don't really have the gas for it. They never offer gas money and gas is not cheap(as we all know). I was proud of myself for saying no but at the same time I feel guilty. I always want to help people. I have made myself stressed out by helping them. They probably wouldn't do the same for me. I rally miss my sister. We would always help each other out when we each needed help. We stuck together and we made it through everything. Now that she is gone, part of me is mad at her for leaving me the other part of me is glad that she is in a better place. How could I even ask her to come back? She is in  heaven with our Lord. What better place for her to be???!! I feel guilty for wanting her back. Well I hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks again for all the comments. Thank u for making me editor's pick!! I was actually so excited about that. : ) Bye for now everyone

Thursday, May 1, 2008

trying to keep myself going



Just wanted to share something that someone sent me. I had some problems with the people (we let stay in our hom basically free to help them out )and our dogs. My dog nipped and him and he sad he would crush his skull if he did it again. I am very protective of my dogs and they have never acted this way to anyone. I ended up losing my temper and yelling at them when maybe I shouldnt have. I may have to adopt my dogs out to avoid further problems. I love my dogs very much. I will get into the story later when I have the time. I am exhausted and stressed out over all of this. Here is something that I really liked reading. God bless all of our four legged and feathered friends:


Ten Commandments for a Responsible Pet Owner as dictated by the pet.

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is 
likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. 
You have your work, your friends, your entertainment but I have only 

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words I do understand 
your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth 
that could easily crush the bones in your hand and yet I choose not to 
bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative ask yourself if

something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right
food, I have been in the sun too long or my heart might be getting old
or weak.

9. Pleasetake care of me when I grow old. You too will grow old.

10. On the difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear

to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you
are there because I love you so.

Take a moment today to thank God for your companions. Enjoy and take 
good care of them. Life would be a much duller, less joyful thing 
without God's critters. Please pass this on to other pet owners.

We do not have to wait for heaven to be surrounded by hope, love and 
joyfulness. It is here on earth and has four feet.