Thursday, October 30, 2008

keep on trucking along

I took my car to the shop today to get it inspected. It is going to cost me 856 dollars. You think that I would just lose it. But surprisingly, i took it ok. Just another page in my life. I have two months to get it done. I have all but 315 dollars of it. This is why I saved money until it really hurt. I dont know what my life brings me. I just have been learning to take it day by day. Things will change someday for me. I know it will. I am still depressed but feeling better. I am not nearly as bad. I always go in cycles with that. It is so hard but i manage to make it. Everytime my children smile or say they love me makes my life worth living. I know I have to keep on going. Life will change for me. I know it will. I know it wont change by itself. I have to make it change. At least I have the chance to change my life for the better. There are people who dont have that chance. I will be ok.. I know I will even though somedays I dont think so.

Tomorrow is trick or treat time. My 10 year old daughter is going to be a witch and my 3 year ols son is going to be a mouse. I bought these costumes over the summer at a yard sale. I paid 1 dollar a piece for them. I am thrifty like that. I am looking forward to getting out of the house and walking around town some. I dont get out much. They will have alot of fun.

well I will close this entry with a joke i thought was funny. Happy trick or treating everyone.

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!' The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

Stay safe everyone!!

Happy halloween

Nothing new has been going on. It has been the same old same old. I had two teeth pulled out yesterday. I am still a bit sore so I have been just laying around a bit. Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween. Here is something funny that someone sent me:

Pumkins gone wild


Monday, October 27, 2008

keeping myself busy

I guess what is really bothering me today is that I really miss my sister. On saturday it was the anniversary of her passing. I am not really taking it all that well. It still seems like a dream to me. It hurts so bad that I can barely breath. She was such a big part of my life. She was the only friend I had. Melissa was the one that I went to when I had a problem . She also came to me. We leaned on each other all the time. She was my rock. Now I feel unstable. I feel like there is a big hole in my life that I just cant fill. I want her back so much. I know she is in a better place but my selfishness just wants her back. She was only 29!! We had so many years to spend with each other. We were robbed of that. I get so angry I made myself get out of bed today. I did some cleaning. I hated every minute of it but I knew i couldnt just lay in bed all day . I had to get up and do something. Yesterday I made myself get out of bed but all I did was lay on the couch. I am having such a hard time getting out of this depression. There is just so much going on in my life right now. Everything is just so out of control. I am alwasy on the verge of losing everything. This takes such a toll on me. I really wish that I could find a good friend to talk to. Soneone to hangout with. Go to lunch with. see a movie with. I have such a hard time making friends. Where would I even begin? I really miss having someone close to me to talk to and spend time with. I really long for a friendship. I just dont know how to get one. I am not exactly and easy person to be friends with. I have the depression and sometimes mood swings. I guess I am going to be alone forever. I would like to find a placein town to live where I can at least keep my cat. I am a big dog person but lately my cat has been a very good friend to me. He has been laying with me alot and following me around. He is my only friend. Silly isnt it? I keep myself going for the kids. They need me. I have given up on being happy for now. Maybe it is beyond my control. Maybe I just need alot more time to get over my loss. I thought that in a year I would feel better. It hurts just as much now as it did when she first left me. I was there when she slipped away. I felt helpless. I yelled her name out when she passed out. I knew she was gone. After the perimedics came and took her to t he hospital. I drove there hoping that she was ok. I knew in my heart that she was gone. After many hours waiting in the hospital for some papers to go through for the organ donation, i went home. I got out of my car and I swear I saw her in t he window of our house standing there. I passed out on the ground. My brother in law had to wake me up and take me in the house. I think to this day they think I am crazy. But I swear I saw her. Well enough of this sadness. i know that I dont have alot of readers because of the way I write. I just write how I feel even if it is sad and depressing. I hope I have better things to write tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Someday this has got to end. My depression cant last forever. I have to find peace someday. It is hard to live in sadness. God Bless

Friday, October 24, 2008

keeping myself going

Hello all. Yesterday my car went. It needs to go to the shop and of course I have no money to do that. My brother in law is driving us around until we get the car fixed. Other than that things have been quiet.
Money is very tight but I am trying very hard to keep things going. I have been trying not to worry as much. I made myself get out of bed at a descent hour today which was a change. I put more wood in the wood stove and did some laundry. My energy is now all spent. I think the anxiety really sucks the energy out of me. I think I am going to try to get out and take the dogs for a walk today. I have been trying to find them good homes. I had to fine homes for two others awhile ago. That was very hard on me and I miss them very much. We used to have five dogs and two cats. My money situation used to be a lot better and we cold handle the care and feeding of them. Now our financial problems are really bad since my husband was laid off from his good job at the light bulb factory. The whole factory shut down and it has been downhill since then. My sister didn't help with her not paying bills like she was supposed to. She has made us so far behind. We have made it the last year since she had passed away trying to catch up and stay current on bills.To top is off I have no heat here but a wood stove that barely works. It has not been easy. We are trying very hard but i feel that we are going down with the ship. It would be cheaper to rent but in order to find help with that, I would have to sell this property. Trust me that is impossible. So here I am trapped.
I decided to say something nice in this journal if it killed me. Something upbeat or positive. I am learning a big lesson from this. I am learning to appreciate what I have. It isn't easy sometimes to feel positive when so many negative things are happening. I know that I am lucky to have a place over my head for now. I am lucky to have such wonderful children who love me and for the most part understand. I am very fortunate to have such good online friend. Maybe if i can get myself to college, I can make some new friends. Who Knows?? I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.
I have decided to try to go see someone about my depression. I don't have much insurance so it will be hard. I will call and see what someone can do for me. It might be good for me. I have to get my car on the road first though. Thank you for all your prayers. I will always keep everyone in my prayers. Stay safe!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

nothing has changed.

I am still trying to shake this depression. I didnt get out of bed until noon. Then all I did was cry for the first two hours of being awake. I know people will sometimes say that am feling sorry for myself or that I just need to shake it off. This is not true. My mind has been more on my children than myself. And as far as shaking it off, it isnt as easy as it sound. My mother quoted a Bible verse and sai to me that my children will suffer for the sins of thier parents. She said that is just how it is. I think it also says that we are supposed to be together as a family. I dont want money from my mom as much as I just want her support and someone to talk to.
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.

I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

sleeping all the time

Thank you all for all you comments on my past post. I have not been doing well. I have been sleeping and crying the last two days.
We have hot water now. Thank goodness for that. Our heater isnt working well though so it has been cold. If it isnt one thing it is another. I have not even wanted to come out of bed. I really dont know what to do. I feel that if I stay in this house I will fail and lose everything. I feel trapped here with nowhere to go. I couldnt go take my GED test n saturday because I didnt have enough money. I am scheduled to take it november 22. It is anyone's guess if I will have teh money then. I am now behind on so many bills because of having to get my car fixed. It is horrible. I dont think things are going to end well for me. I have slipped into such a bad depression. I just dont knoe how to get myself out of it. My head is spinning in a hundred directions and my body hurts so bad. I have been so sick to my stomach.
I miss my sister so much right now. It has been almost a whole year since she has passed away. I am still in so much pain. On the 25 of the month it will beone year since she has past away. I am so lonely without her. I dont really have anyone. I just dont know how long I can go on like this. The last couple of days have been horrible. I am so worried about everything. I dont even know how I am going to feed my family next month.
I went to the Pa Career link yesterday morning. It was the only time I had gotten out of bed in awhile. I went there to apply for a job. The guy who helped me said that I might as well forget about college because I would never be able to afford it.He said that I should just forget about that. My heart just sank. That was the only hop ethat I had to get my children a better life. well I will go for now. I hope everyone is doing well. God Bless

Thursday, October 16, 2008

when it rains it pours.

I still dont have any hot water. The hot water heater i got is not compatible with the trailor. The one we need is 239.00. I dont have that kind of money right now. I dont know when i will have that kind of money. I have a child case worker coming on monday because the doctor thinks me youngest son needs early intervention. The thought of the case worker coming to my house when I dont have hot water is very scarey. I feel like i have let my children down. I cried pretty much all day today off and on. I cant even give my kid's baths right now. I have to just wipe them off with a cold rag. I dont have a working stove right now either to even heat up hot water. This is just a nightmare. I am so tired. I feel like giving up. So much for my good attitude the last couple of weeks. I think my children would be better without me. : (

broke down last night

Last night I just couldnt take it anymore. I was doing so good lately with my attitude but I really think I had a small nervous break down last night. I still dont have hot water. My house looks like a tornado blew through it and i just cleaned it yesterday. I am tired emotionally and worn out physically. I cant sleep at night because of worry. Last night i sat down on the floor in the kitchen and just cried for an hour. My kids saw this and I feel so ashamed of myself. My youngest son came over to me and hugged me and said I love you mommy. My daughter kept asking me if i was ok. If my mother found out about this she will say that I should have never done that in front of my kids. I am not a robot. I have feelings and frustrations. Why cant my children see that?I wasnt screaming or throwing things around. I just queitly cried. I guess I have just had enough. I was even wondering if life was worth living until my little ones came over and gave me a hug. I need to stay here for them. They need me. I am letting them down. No hot water and no security when it comes to our place to live. My mother has offered to take the little two in her home. They would have better lives because my mother has lots of money. They would hurt for nothing. I dont want to split my family up. I would miss my children. They would be five hours away. My mother would never give them back. She did that to my oldest daughter when I was going through a divorce. I didnt have anywhere to go because my husband owned the house we were living in. My mom offered to take my daughter in her home until I had worked things out and found myself somewhere to go. When i did find somewhere to go that was suitbale, she had already went behind my back and had gotten temperary custody and refused to return her to me. Enough complaining. I have to get some cleaning done and heat up some water for a bath which takes forever. God Bless

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

still no hot water

I still dont have any hot water. This has been challenging. You never know what you have taken for granted until it is gone. I am hoping to get it fixed soon but I dont know how long this will take. There is alot of people bretahing down my neck to get bills paid. The electric company, the mortgage holder, phone bill and others. I dont have any credit card debt which is good. I couldnt get a credit card if i tried at this point. I am very frustrated with my life right now. Things were starting to get better and then it took two steps backwards. Well I am going to go for now. I hope everyone is having a great week. Hugs to everyone!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just another day

Boy, when it rains it pours. My hot water tank broke and I had to go out and buy I new one. That hurt me real bad financially. I still dont have hot water. I had to boil water up for the kids bath last night. That took forever. Hopefully it will be up and running tonight. One can only hope.

Because I have to empty my bank account to get a hot water tank, My electric is in danger of being shut off. It is a nightmare. I have to figure out how I am going to pay that and still pay my mortgage.

That is another problem as usual. The morgtage holder is giving me so much problems that it is insane. She keeps on harrassing me and threatening to get me thrown out of here. She makes an arrangement for payments and then changes it in the middle of the month. I really wish that i could get out of here into a new home. I know that is not possible. I feel like a trapped animal right now. I would love to keep my home but it has been too much of a struggle. Because i have pets, it is really hard to find a rental property that will let me take them with me. I may have to find homes for all of them. I would really miss them. : ( It would really break my heart.

My mother is coming up this weekend for a visit. For most people this would be a good thing. Not for me. She tends to be bit a bit mean and judgemental. She has tons of money and doesnt accept the fact that I dont. I live in poverty. I am an embarrassment to her. She can be very harsh with some of the things she says. I dont know if she means the things she says or not. I cant tell but it is hurtful either way.

On a brighter note, I went to my son's football game last night. They won!! He did so good. I was such a proud mother. I heard the people in the stands talking about him. I had tears in my eyes. I dont know why I was so emotional.Well I hope everyone is doing good. I am going to lay down a bit and watch a movie and try to calm down some. Last night I had panic attack after panic attack. I actually thought at one point I was having a heart attack. It was quite a scarey thing to go through.

Monday, October 13, 2008

God Bless the troops

Hello All... I thought I would just spend the day not thinking about my problems and thinking about someone else. I had gotten a e-mail about our troops. I really do appreciate everything that they are doing for this country. God Bless them all. Here is a newspaper article that I thought was heart warming.

This little girl's family were all killed. He is the only one that seems to be able to confort her.

Dear God,

Please be with our troops while they are fighting for our country over in Iraq. Keep them safe and bring the them home safe and sound to thier familes. Thank you for blessing us with these special selfless people.


I hope everyone is having a good week. Stay safe everyone.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

just enjoying my Sunday

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday. I slept in late and intend to spend the day with my kids..My son wants me to play video games with him and read books to him. My daughter wants me to do science projects with her. I guess I will have a very eventful day.

Here is something someone sent me and I thought it was funny.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. '

The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' say s the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My children..God's special gift to me

Countdown: 9 days until I take my GED test

I have always thought my children were the most special people in the world to me. But lately I have been appreciating them more and more. I realize that they are the most precious things in my life. They brighten even the darkest day.

My oldest daughter, Tiffany 19, doesnt call home as much as I would want her to. I really miss talking to her but she has her own life now. I am glad that she is keeping on track and getting her life started the right way. (unlike her mother)

My oldest son, Carl(CJ)16, is a Godsend sometimes when it comes to the younger two. Sometimes he helps me and other times he is just too bullheaded. Most of the time, when I have had just about enough of the little ones for the day, he will step in and help keep them in line. I think he will always look out after them even though he says they get on his nerves. lol

My youngest angel , Emily 10, can be a blessing and a handful. She likes to talk and talk and talk. But when i feel down ,she is the first to try to cheer me up. She is always concerned about everyone in the family. As a matter of fact, she can be a bit obsessive on having to know where everyone is. That tends to drive me insane sometimes. She has Ad/HD and can be a handful.

My youngest son, Daniel, is more like me than any of the other ones. He looks alot like me and he acts like me. He has my stubborness and my temper as well. Everything has to be done right and at that very instance. He tells me everyday many times that he loves me and is defenetly my little cuddle bug. We sat and read at least 6 books last night. It is amazing t hat being a three year old he would sit and listen to every word. I guess I dont have to worry about him having ad/hd.

Everything is ok today. I am having a flair up with my fibromalgyia. It really hurts but i try to keep myself going. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am fighting depression today but I am getting through the day. i didnt get out of bed today until about 11:00. The kids got up and I told them to get cereal and watch cartoons. I just laid undr my warm covers. I didnt want to get up. The kids wre good. My bedroom is right next to the living room so I could hear every word. I felt like a bad mother but i just had no motivation to get out of bed today. I am going to try to take the dogs out for a walk later this evening. I am hoping that will help my depression some.

My husband brought home a black lab puppy the other day. She was free and Emily bugged for her. I thought thsi was insane because i just found a home for two of my dogs due to lack of money. Although our money situation has improved drastically, I didnt want to bring another dog home. My daughter loves her and i just dont have the heart to take her from her. I have been making her take care of her and take responsibility for her care. I take care of her most of the time. She is adorable but alot more work than I had wanted. I told my husband and all my kids not to bring home any other animal. I just dont have the time right now for them. I will take some pictures of my babies as soon as I get the time. I have three dogs and two cats. One cat just wondered up our driveway five years ago and has never left. The other one is our indoor baby.

I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe everyone.

Friday, October 10, 2008

one day at a time

This is my first time posting on blogger so I hope that I do it right.

I have had my good days since i last made an entry and i have had seriously bad days. I have had days where i thought i didnt even want to go on. I will try to talk about the positives in my life first.

Monday I had a very busy day and a strefful one as well. I got up and left my warm bed at 8 in the morning to go to a IEP meeting for my 16 year old son. They wanted to reevulate him for special services because he had voiced an opinion of wanting to go to a four year college upon his gradutation. The teachers all had wonderful things to say about him. He is doing great in all his classes. He is in regular classes with some learning support for his reading. The teachers all told me that every student should be like him. He is motivated and tries hard with everything that he does. He wants to take a career in the vetenarian field. That doesnt shock me because we have always had a small zoo here. The teachers and phychologists were trying to tell me talk him into maybe downsizing his plans to a two year program. I dont want to do that because in my opinion "can't" isnt a word in this family's vocabulary. My son is so bullheaded(which he gets from his mother) that he will succeed in whatever he choices to do. i will support his decisions whatever they might be. I am so very proud of him. My eyes tear up thinking about it. My oldest daughter of 19 is already in her second year of nursing school. I am such a proud mother. Two more kids to get motivated. My 10 year old daughter makes me so frustrated because she fails and I know she can do better. I want to pull my hair out.

Afte the meeting at the school, I had a seminar to go to at the Pa career link where I am getting help with my GED. It was a seminar for parents and budgeting money in this ecomomy the way it is. The case worker, Robin, kind of picked on me for I guess because I was teh only one there who had a plan for my life. She was using me as an example on how i need to save money to meet my goal of nursing school. I was a bit shook up because i have such bad social anxiety but i spoke up anyways and answered her questions. She is going to help me with my FASFA application for financial help when the time comes. I thought that i did well but i did have a panic attack. I had to go home after the seminar and take a ativan and calm down. I am very proud of myself for keeping at this though.

I go to take my GED October 18th of this month. It is about time being that I am 38 years old. Iam tired of living on the edge. I want something better for my family and me. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I am so tired of being on foodstamps and medical. I want/need a change in my life. Living like I have been in not an option anymore. I will do what i have to to accomplish my goal. Firt Passing the GED test. Then I will go to th education council and go form there. Like I said "can't" is not a word for this family.

Now for the pessimistic parts of my life. I dont know what was wrong with me yesterday but I was just so upset. I had feelings of hopelessness. I felt like everything was gong to go wrong. I have a big mental problem that takes so much of my energy to try to beat. I can be very OCD and I am defenetly depressed quite often. I can clean somedays for hours and still the house seems dirty to me. That usually happens when I am under extreme amounts of stress. That was the case yesterday. I cried and I was just horrible to everyone around me. I wasnt abusive just not someone that I would want to be around. The kids behavior is alays worse on days like this too. I dont know why. i guess they feed off of my bad attitude sometimes. That is why I have to be careful. I think alot of my attitude is because my sister died last year on this month. This is going to be a tough month. I miss her so much.

My husband and I arent doing well. I think we are headed for divorce. I dont want it that way but we just dont see things eye to eye anymore. I want to advance and he just sits there. He has not motivation for the future and often when I talk about my golas and plans, he doesnt listen. I try to share what I learned about our spending that i learned at the seminar . he just isnt interested in anything that I say. I even try to ask him what his plans are for the furure. That doesnt work either. (sigh) I guess I have changed and he has stayed the same. This isnt going to work.

Well I am going to close this journal before I write a book. lol..I have so mush to say sometimes that I ramble on. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to visit everyone's journal soon. I just need some quiet time. (sigh) That doesnt happen often. there is always drama in my family.

God Bless and keep everyone safe

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Clem's last day as a carpenter lol

I hope everyone is hanging in there with the journal situation. I am not sure if I am going to continue to journal or not. Maybe I am taking too much time on the computer anyways. If i decide to go to the other site, I will post my link before the end. Good luck everyone and stay safe



Thursday, October 2, 2008

just for fun

I will miss AOL journals. It has been a big part of my life for the last couple of years. I will try the new blogger site. I already started but didnt like it much. I will give it a try though. As soon as I get things set up. I will post my address there.


I can't respond to any emails today, something has crashed on my computer.

and my mouse is missing ..... : )

Have a great day everyone!! ((HUGS))