Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Money is very tight but I am trying very hard to keep things going. I have been trying not to worry as much. I made myself get out of bed at a descent hour today which was a change. I put more wood in the wood stove and did some laundry. My energy is now all spent. I think the anxiety really sucks the energy out of me. I think I am going to try to get out and take the dogs for a walk today. I have been trying to find them good homes. I had to fine homes for two others awhile ago. That was very hard on me and I miss them very much. We used to have five dogs and two cats. My money situation used to be a lot better and we cold handle the care and feeding of them. Now our financial problems are really bad since my husband was laid off from his good job at the light bulb factory. The whole factory shut down and it has been downhill since then. My sister didn't help with her not paying bills like she was supposed to. She has made us so far behind. We have made it the last year since she had passed away trying to catch up and stay current on bills.To top is off I have no heat here but a wood stove that barely works. It has not been easy. We are trying very hard but i feel that we are going down with the ship. It would be cheaper to rent but in order to find help with that, I would have to sell this property. Trust me that is impossible. So here I am trapped.
I decided to say something nice in this journal if it killed me. Something upbeat or positive. I am learning a big lesson from this. I am learning to appreciate what I have. It isn't easy sometimes to feel positive when so many negative things are happening. I know that I am lucky to have a place over my head for now. I am lucky to have such wonderful children who love me and for the most part understand. I am very fortunate to have such good online friend. Maybe if i can get myself to college, I can make some new friends. Who Knows?? I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.
I have decided to try to go see someone about my depression. I don't have much insurance so it will be hard. I will call and see what someone can do for me. It might be good for me. I have to get my car on the road first though. Thank you for all your prayers. I will always keep everyone in my prayers. Stay safe!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.
I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
We have hot water now. Thank goodness for that. Our heater isnt working well though so it has been cold. If it isnt one thing it is another. I have not even wanted to come out of bed. I really dont know what to do. I feel that if I stay in this house I will fail and lose everything. I feel trapped here with nowhere to go. I couldnt go take my GED test n saturday because I didnt have enough money. I am scheduled to take it november 22. It is anyone's guess if I will have teh money then. I am now behind on so many bills because of having to get my car fixed. It is horrible. I dont think things are going to end well for me. I have slipped into such a bad depression. I just dont knoe how to get myself out of it. My head is spinning in a hundred directions and my body hurts so bad. I have been so sick to my stomach.
I miss my sister so much right now. It has been almost a whole year since she has passed away. I am still in so much pain. On the 25 of the month it will beone year since she has past away. I am so lonely without her. I dont really have anyone. I just dont know how long I can go on like this. The last couple of days have been horrible. I am so worried about everything. I dont even know how I am going to feed my family next month.
I went to the Pa Career link yesterday morning. It was the only time I had gotten out of bed in awhile. I went there to apply for a job. The guy who helped me said that I might as well forget about college because I would never be able to afford it.He said that I should just forget about that. My heart just sank. That was the only hop ethat I had to get my children a better life. well I will go for now. I hope everyone is doing well. God Bless
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
This little girl's family were all killed. He is the only one that seems to be able to confort her.
Please be with our troops while they are fighting for our country over in Iraq. Keep them safe and bring the them home safe and sound to thier familes. Thank you for blessing us with these special selfless people.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Stay safe everyone.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Countdown: 9 days until I take my GED test
I have always thought my children were the most special people in the world to me. But lately I have been appreciating them more and more. I realize that they are the most precious things in my life. They brighten even the darkest day.
My oldest daughter, Tiffany 19, doesnt call home as much as I would want her to. I really miss talking to her but she has her own life now. I am glad that she is keeping on track and getting her life started the right way. (unlike her mother)
My oldest son, Carl(CJ)16, is a Godsend sometimes when it comes to the younger two. Sometimes he helps me and other times he is just too bullheaded. Most of the time, when I have had just about enough of the little ones for the day, he will step in and help keep them in line. I think he will always look out after them even though he says they get on his nerves. lol
My youngest angel , Emily 10, can be a blessing and a handful. She likes to talk and talk and talk. But when i feel down ,she is the first to try to cheer me up. She is always concerned about everyone in the family. As a matter of fact, she can be a bit obsessive on having to know where everyone is. That tends to drive me insane sometimes. She has Ad/HD and can be a handful.
My youngest son, Daniel, is more like me than any of the other ones. He looks alot like me and he acts like me. He has my stubborness and my temper as well. Everything has to be done right and at that very instance. He tells me everyday many times that he loves me and is defenetly my little cuddle bug. We sat and read at least 6 books last night. It is amazing t hat being a three year old he would sit and listen to every word. I guess I dont have to worry about him having ad/hd.
Everything is ok today. I am having a flair up with my fibromalgyia. It really hurts but i try to keep myself going. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am fighting depression today but I am getting through the day. i didnt get out of bed today until about 11:00. The kids got up and I told them to get cereal and watch cartoons. I just laid undr my warm covers. I didnt want to get up. The kids wre good. My bedroom is right next to the living room so I could hear every word. I felt like a bad mother but i just had no motivation to get out of bed today. I am going to try to take the dogs out for a walk later this evening. I am hoping that will help my depression some.
My husband brought home a black lab puppy the other day. She was free and Emily bugged for her. I thought thsi was insane because i just found a home for two of my dogs due to lack of money. Although our money situation has improved drastically, I didnt want to bring another dog home. My daughter loves her and i just dont have the heart to take her from her. I have been making her take care of her and take responsibility for her care. I take care of her most of the time. She is adorable but alot more work than I had wanted. I told my husband and all my kids not to bring home any other animal. I just dont have the time right now for them. I will take some pictures of my babies as soon as I get the time. I have three dogs and two cats. One cat just wondered up our driveway five years ago and has never left. The other one is our indoor baby.
I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe everyone.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I hope everyone is hanging in there with the journal situation. I am not sure if I am going to continue to journal or not. Maybe I am taking too much time on the computer anyways. If i decide to go to the other site, I will post my link before the end. Good luck everyone and stay safe
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I will miss AOL journals. It has been a big part of my life for the last couple of years. I will try the new blogger site. I already started but didnt like it much. I will give it a try though. As soon as I get things set up. I will post my address there.
I can't respond to any emails today, something has crashed on my computer.
and my mouse is missing ..... : )
Have a great day everyone!! ((HUGS))