Thursday, January 8, 2009


Update I just got me GED scores back. I passed. I barely passed math but I did it!!! My scores were all really high in the top 99 percentile but math was only 58 percent. YES!!! Now I can start the next step in my life!!! I am so high right now with joy!! I have never been this proud of myself ever. Is it wrong to be so proud? Thank you all for being there for me.

Decisons to make

I have had a very good couple of days. I have felt fine. Today I am a bit depressed and trying not to slip back into deep depression. As I have said before, I have been trying to find homes for some of my dogs because of not being able to feed or take care of them like we should. We have four here. Two of them were my sisters who passed away. I have put up ads and put ads in the paper for months and noone has been interested. Today out of t he blue someone called. I am happy and sad at the same time. I have grown attached to my sister's dogs. I have a decision to make. Struggle trying to feed them or let them go. My brother in law who lives here with me does not help with the dogs. It is insane!! Those were his wife's dogs. The one dog's name is Billy. He is 12 years old and follows me everywhere. He is a golden retreiver mix. He isnt real good with kids and he defenetly isnt a playful guy. He loves me so this is very hard. I know that if something happens and I have to leave here, I may have to put him to sleep due to his age. I feel this is his last chance to get a home. I am so upset. I didnt expect to get a phone call. The other dog's name is Phantom. He is a Jack russel/ chiuaua mix. He is 6 years old. defenetly not good with kids. In fact he has snapped at mine a few times. He goes after my other dogs. My opinion is t hat he should be put down. There is a reason why he is like that. : ( I will try to explain this.
There was a dark side to my sister that I never said to anyone. She was very possessive and controlling and she always had to keep people and animals almost in a cage. This side of her I did not want to talk about until now. She never let me have any kids. She would take control over the care of my children to the point where they would ask her if they could have something. She took control of our finances (which she didnt do a very good job of) I had didnt have any friends. Everytime I would try to have a friend, she would wreck it. To get back to the dog... (sorry I am rambling) She would keep her dogs and cats in the house away from anything. I understood the cats but she wouldnt walk the dogs or anything. She would only let them out to go to the bathroom. When I offered to take the dogs for a walk, she would get angry and think I was taking them from her. The last three weeks of her life, she wasnt getting mych oxygen. She was refusing treatment. ( i didnt know this at all until after her death) Her mind wasnt working right.
She was so mean to Phantom. She would hit him with her walker when he tried to get near her. She would scream at him when things werent going right for her. She was doing the same with me and my children. ( the yelling part anyways..she didnt hit us) I tried to keep the dog away from her but she would yell that I was trying to take everything from her. We fought alot about the treatment of the dog. After that this dog has been very unstable. Unfortunelty he needs to be put down. I just dont feel it is my responsibility to do it but I will end up having to.I think some of the issues stemmed from her not being physically able to control everything. This was uncomfortable for her. She just couldnt let me take over for awhile. She needed a break and I needed my life back.
Please dont think bad thoughts about my sister. This was her dark side. She was very loving. She had a bright side as well. She had bipolar disorder so bad but refused to get treatment for it. She was laways there for me when I needed her. I loved her very much. But when she died she left not only piles of bills I was unaware of but she left alot of hurt feelings because of the way she was at the end. I forgave her and miss her. I wish that I could turn back the clock and talk things out with her. I know that is not possible so I live with the guilt of how things were between me and her at the end. Sorry for the rambling. It started out about the dogs and it ends with my sister like it always does.
The main idea of this whole thing is that I have to make this decision. I know that it is for the best that the dogs go to new homes. It will probably be best for all of us. It is just hard to let go.
When the two are gone, I will only have two left. My poodle mix and my rotty mix. I hope that I will be able to keep them. I raised them and they are wonderful dogs. I will have to post pics. I have rambled enough. I am so frustrated that my GED test scores till have not gotten back to me. UGH!!!!! I need to go on to the next step. As soon as I get those scores the education council is going to get me into school. They help get you into LPN classes given at the local hospital. I just want to get on with my life. I hate waiting. I am not patient at all.
Before I go I just want to thank a few of my friends for helping me through this. Nancy, Thank you for all the e-mails of support. I dont know what I would do without you. DB..Thank you for talking to me when I needed someone to talk to. Janie...Thank you for all your prayers (I need them) Linda..Thank you for making me smile..I also want to thank

Monday, January 5, 2009

stress test all completed

I went to take my stress test this morning. The doctor said it went well. I am relieved. I guess it is just stress afterall. I guess I will know when i see the doctor to go over my results. I had to get up very early to get the test done. I hate mornings when i am not depressed. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 11:00. Another reason to get out of bed. I have to drag myself out but at least I do.

Everything is pretty quiet today. I hope it remains that way. It was the first day of the kids ogng back to school. They didnt want to get up. I thought it was going to take a small crane in order to get them up. lol I guess it was expected having been able to sleep in for two weeks. I am glad to have everything back to normal.

My Aunt mailed me a Christmas card. She wrote a letter with it. I really miss talking to her and thought maybe I could reconnect with her so I wrote her back. I am hopeing this becomes a trend. I really need some connection to me family. I really dont get that much with my mother.

I am still waiting for my GED results to come back. It is taking forever!! I just want to see what my next step in life is.(possiblitly of college or a retake of the math exam) I am so nervous about it. I hope it comes in soon.

Well I am going to lay down for a bit. It has been an early morning for me today. I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe and God Bless.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

wrong diagnoses

I dont have much time to write but I wanted to let everyone know that it was a wrong diagnoses. They did an echocardiogram and it came out normal. They xrays showed the heart a bit large but the echo is a better test. I have normal blood pressure. I have never had high blood pressure so I was very surprised. They are doing a stress test to make sure everything is ok. Thank you for commenting.
Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Long time no write

It has been awhile since i sat down to type in my journal. The medicne the doctor put me on makes it very hard to concentrate.I am going to tell the doctor because i like to write in my journal as well as read. It has been hard to do either. I have been hanging in there. My Christmas was ok. I have been going through alot of side affects from the medicine. I have had mood swings and jerky muscles. I spent a quiet Christmas at home just with the kids and husband. It was very nice. This will be the first Christmas ever that I have spent at home.
My mother came up the day after. We actually had a good time. We did not fight at all. We went shopping and out to eat.
I did have some bad news though. I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. I dont know sure what this means for me but it doesnt sound good. he doctor didnt have a very serious conversation with me. I thought I should have been referred to a specialist. That is just me. Just one more thing to worry about.
Well i finished my GED test . Now I have to wait for the results. I dont think I did very well in math because if my meds. I will just have to see.
I hope everyone has a very happy new year.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Why Worry?

"Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:1 NLT

When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT

I wanted to make worry the main topic of my journal today because I live with extreme worry everyday. It wastes my energy. This is energy that i could use to try to solve the horrible financial problems that I have. Worrying makes me literally physically ill. It drags every bit if energy I have from my body. It makes me depressed with the feeling hopelessness and dread. That isnt living. I need to learn to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done. That is what I have been striving for for many months. Peace.... I just want some peace even if it is only for a brief while.

I prayed this morning to thank God for another day. For another day to make things right. Another chance to reach my goal. He is not responsible for the choices I make. I am. I just ask that he give me the strenghth and the knowledge to make the right choices for my family (kids, pets and everyone)

I feel as every decision lies on my shoulders. I have three kids and 5 animals who rely on the choices I make. am I up to handleing it? I hope so. That is why I pray for strenghth. I want my children to be proud of me. To grow up to adults who dont quit. I dont want them to see me in that depressed state again. I am feeling a bit better. I hope this lasts for awhile. My 16 year old son knows when I get bad. He just takes over the household chores and even cooks for me. I feel sorry for me that he has to do that because his mother gets that depressed but he weathers it like a champ. He is a good kid and I am very proud of him. The one dog we have also knows when i get depressed and weak. He whines and cries and wants to stay with me at all times. It is weird how they pick up on my feelings.

Well this was probably a mistake but there was this aquaintence of mine who had a dog. Well she said she was going to put him to sleep if she didnt find a home for him by the end of the weekend , she was oging to put him down. He is only a 7 month old pit bull mix. He is a sweet and loving dog. Of course i was stupid and although I have severe financial problems , I brought him home. There isnt anything wrong with him, He is a great dog. he didnt deserve to die. I am going to keep him for a week or two to see what his mannerisms are then I am going to try to find him a home. I dont think i will have a problem being that he is so well behaved and plays with the kids. I guess I am just too kind hearted. I think people feed on that all the time. What a push over I am!!!! It is shameful!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on new meds for my depression. I was a biut scared because of the side affects that I had with my other medicines. He said ths one is different. The worst I should get is the shakes and some dizziness until I get used to it. He put me on a very low dose for now and he is going to work myself up. I have been sleeping very well since on the medicine and feeling alot better. It wont change my situation but I am hoping that it will help me deal with it better.

I cant go take my last part of my GED test tomorrow night as I thought I could. My daughter has a Christmas concert and I really need to go to that. I will have to reschedule. I really wanted to get it over with but the concert means alot to her. I have to go.

What really bothers me is that I wont have any presents for the kids. At least not like I wanted to. I wanted to make thier Christmas happy. I am just dissapointed that I cant do more. I got them a couolle of very little things and the Christmas house here in town said they are going to get some things together for us. Bless them. Without them they wouldnt have gotten anything. They are good people there. An older lady runs the program. She is about 88 years old and is such a sweet lady. She tries to help people all she can.Times are hard. Bless her.

My sister used to make all her Christams gifts. They made them much more special. She was really into the Christmas spirit.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Feeling a bit better

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know it must be frustrating to read my entries. Thank you for sticking by me. I am trying to hang in there. To answer a question, she said she filed.I havent seen papaers yet. Trust me I would love to get out of here. But it seems impossible for us to find an apartment that we can afford ir who will rent to us. I dont have an rental references in fact I dont have any references at all.I dont have any friends. I dont know anybody. So this fact makes it impossible. I do feel a bit better though today even though things dont look good for us. I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medicine he thinks will help. He seems to be a very nice man. I think that he may be of help to me. I am also going to go to counciling. I know it will take alot of gas money but I feel i must go. This staying in bed all day has got to stop. I want to start living. I feel trapped here. Maybe that the feeling is just an illusion. I do agree that getting out of here probably is my best bet for my mental health and the future of my family. I hope that it will work out for us. I dont want to lise my children or any thing as a matter of fact. I am going to go lie down for the night. Stay safe everyone. God Bless...
"I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
Philippians 4:13
NLTMan is never so tall as when he kneels before God—never so great as when he humbles himself before God. And the man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.
Louis H. Evans1
Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT