Monday, October 29, 2007
I dont know what to do. I dont want to see him like that.
I know that it will be hard but I am trying to be strong for my kids. I found out some disturbing news that I have to deal with when i return. My sister did nto keep up with the mortgage like I thought she had. It looks like we will have to leave this house in December. I am not sure. I want to leave anyways. Her memory is all around me. I dont know how I am going to handle it while I am here. I lover her so much and relied on her alot for emotional support. She was the rock in my life.
I feel like a part of me is missing. It is killing me inside. And to be in this house that we shared hurts really bad. How will I cope with it? I moved up with her 4 years ago because it was her dream to live here. Our family is back home 5 hours away. My friends are also back there.
Now that she is gone, I feel as if I dont belong here anymore. This was her dream. She is gone now so now I have to live on. I went to church on sunday morning and then again on sunday evening. The pastor looked at me and asked if I was alright. I bursted in tears and said no. The pastors wife went and talked to me in her office. The words that she said were comforting. She said the worst is to come. The fineral will be the worst day. That is the day when I have to say goodbye to my dearest sister .
My heart sinks everytime I think about what I have to go through. My oldest daughter is spending the day with me on wednesday. Then I will be spending the night with my friend. She and I are going to take her kids and my kids out trick or treating so that they dont have to miss out.
My sister wants us to be happy although I cant right now. There is a whole in my heart that may never be filled. I know she is in a better place but I still miss her and want her back. I have to admit however that I cant wait until the funeral is over. The hard part is returning to our house without her. I will have to leave her behind. My 29 year old sister is gone and I have to come to terms with that.
I feel like my life is ending but I know that it isnt. I know I have to go on. But right now I feel like I cant. Thank you all for all your kind words of support. I will be thinking about you and praying that you all will stay safe. I most likely wont be able to post until after the funeral. I am leaving tomorrow morning at 10 am for the worst time of my life.
I will post and let everyone know when I am home.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thank you very much for all your prayers. I have my ups and my downs.Right now I have my wits about me. In an hour or less I could be laying on the floor crying in pain. I have such ups and downs. It feels like all a dream. I know that she was sick for a long while but nobody expected this. We are all in shock. I was there when she passed away and I cant get it out of my mind. She was so scared. I tried to console her by telling her to breath slower and by telling her that she would be ok. I feel like I lied to her. I know I might have said it many times but that is how I feel.I saw her take her last breath and her eyes rolled up in her head. I cant get that out of my mind. My aunt said that she wont be happy unless I am happy and go on with my life. She said that if I pray to God that Melissa will here me. My aunt said a prayer with me over the phone and told me that she wished she could give me a big hug. This is so hard. I was very fragile emotionally before this and now I feel that I might have been pushed over the edge. Thank you for all your prayers. It feels better to know that people care about me. I will try my best to keep updating my journal. But with funeral plans and everything I dont know when. Thanks again for your support.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
My sister passed away today. I was with her when she died. I dont know what to say because my emotions are all messed up. I dont even know how to feel . I feel angry at God for taking her, I feel angry at her for not taking better care of herself, I feel lonely and depressed. I feel guilty because I know that she is now in a better place and I want her so bad to come back home. my sister was only 29 years old. I am 37. I was the one who was supposed to go first. My emotions are going in all directions like a roller coaster. She was a very caring person who took everything on herself. She would give the shirt off her back for someone in need especially her family. I will write more later tomorrow. I think I need to rest some for awhile. God Bless.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I went to the high school this afternoon for a meeting for my son's IEP. My son has always been in special education classed since he was in elementary school. He is now in 9th grade. He has worked very hard to get to where he is now. They are taking him out of special education and putting him in regular classes. My son has AD/HD. He used to take meds for it but now he has learned how to handle it without meds. I am so very proud. The teachers had nthing bad to say about him. They said he was a joy to have in class. I know that it is his big accomplishment but I cant help feel that it is my big accomplishment as well. I am so proud of him.
I know I have shared this before but here is a pick of my son.
I hope everyone is doing well. I will keep everyone in my prayers.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I still have not figured out my car problem. But my mother said she would try and lend me some money. I am trying to keep a cool mind about this and trust in the Lord that he will get me through it. Life can be hard that is for sure. Everything else is going ok. The kids are all doing well and they are healthy. That is what really matters to me. We are busy getting their costumes ready for Halloween. My son is going to dress up like a little devil and my daughter is going to be a fairy. I will share pictures after Halloween. My sister is still not able to use her right leg. She is still pretty much confined into the wheel chair. She is getting very frustrated that she wont be able to walk again. I told her that she will and that she will have to be patient. I have rented a movie tonight and I am going to take a hot bath and relax and watch the movie. At least I am going to try and relax.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Hello I have been having some rough times. I havent really had the time or the energy to write in my journal. I am working through things though. When I fix one thing, two more things break. I now am without a car with three children. I live out in nowhere so this has been horrible. We are looking for a car but i have to borrow money from my mother. I dont think she is very happy about it. This was such a bad time for my car to go. I guess there never is a good time. I am trying to keep a good attitude although somedays I am very depressed. I know I have to stay strong. I hope everyone is doing ok.
Monday, October 8, 2007
I just want to start by saying thank you for the comments on my last journal. Yesterday I think I was the downest I have ever been in my life. I have not been well. My body hurts and I am so tired all the time. I am really a very caring person. I dont really give anyone any trouble. I would give anyone my last penny if they needed it. I am very good about things like that. It's very hard to explain. I am not relaly a people person but I dont want to see anyone suffer or be hurt. My heart is always heavey when i read things in the paper or hear it in the news about someone getting hurt or killed. Anyways, I am going to try to think of something happy or funny everyday and try to write it in my journal. I am sorry about the gloomy post yesterday. I guess I had to vent some bad feelings out. I hope everyone is doing ok. I will continue to keep everyone in my prayers. Here is a funny cartoon to close my journal.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Things have been happening to me one after the other. My car has broke down and I have absolutely no money to fix it. My husband has bad pains and he had blood in his urine. I am so scared. He has had this before and it has come back. My dog was hit by a car this morning. The lady who hit him came up my driveway to tell me she hit him. I flipped on her. I shouldnt have but these people drive 50 miles an hour up and down the street. It is a dirt street and it just upsets me. I yelled at her and told her that she should slow down. She is one of my neighbors and I am not sure which one. I now understand that I dont belong anywhere. I dont have any friends. I just dont know what to say to people. I am not socialable. I think I would go a steo further to say that most people dont like me much. I have alot of emotional problems and I think that it contributes to the problem. I am so depressed and so upset all the time. I really feel that Gad has left me. I dont blame him. He has more important things to deal with. I try to talk to my mother and all i get is"stop feeling sorry for yourself and do what you have to do". I dont feel sorry for myself. I honestly feel as if I am a burden to everyone in my family.. I am always crying and I am always tired. I tried taking medicne but that didnt go well. I had bad side affects. It was a shame because the medicine was starting to help me emotionally. I cant win. I feel very drained. I know alot of my online friends have alot more problems than me. I feel very guilty for feeling like this. I am not sure whether or not I will be posting on my journal anymore. I dont quite know how to explain this. I dont ever have anything good to write in my journal because i feel so horrible inside all the time. I dont want to only write bad things so i feel as if I shouldnt write at all. I read all of your journals and you guys always have something happy and nice to write. I think that is wonderful. All of you guys deserve nice things to happen to you. I hope everything goes well for all of you. I have met the nicest most caring people that I have ever known on here. I admire everyone's good attitude. I want to say thank you for being there for me.It is comforting that amoungst all these rude and uncaring people that there are some that are still caring and understanding. (((HUGS))) I will pray for all of you. Well I am going to go and lay down for awhile. My head is spinning. Take care everyone and stay safe.....Christine