Friday, August 31, 2007

visiting with my mother

My mother is up from downstate visiting. Tomorrow we are going to go yard sale shopping and out to dinner. My mother and I don't really get along most of the time but I am always excited to see her when she comes up to visit. She lives 5 hours away downstate towards Philadelphia. I only get down there during the Christmas holidays. I used to live down there before my sister and I moved up here.

My mother sometimes can be a bit harsh. She likes to criticize alot of things I do and she doesn't really take anything I say seriously. She is a very controlling person. She tries to run every thing that me or any of my children do. She has these comments that she throws at me that hurt. It is hard to explain how she does it. It is sort of a mumble that I can hear if that makes sense. My parents have so much money that it isn't funny. My father buys his cars right out. My grandmother left them a bunch of money. They have over 200,000 in the bank. But yet my mother won't loan me any money to get this house thing started for us. I have never borrowed any money from her ever. There was one incident where they lost alot of money because of me. It wasn't my fault but my parents don't see it that way. It would take me forever to explain the whole thing in detail so I will try to make it as quick as possible.

The awful thing that happened 5 years ago

My ex husband and I lived in a trailer downstate that my parents cosigned for me and my ex husband to get a loan for. After we were there for two years, my father had an idea to get a personal loan out in his name so that our interest would be lower and we would just give the money to them. I begged my dad not to do it. The way the trailer was set up at that time was that is if my ex didn't pay the loan the trailer would be taken away to pay off the remainder of the loan.. My parents didn't listen. They put the trailer solely in my ex's name and they paid off the trailer with their loan. All was well for a year or so and then the bad things started to happen. My ex started to get abusive to  me. My oldest daughter went to live with my parents. My ex was the sole bread winner of the house. He had no driver's license so I had to drive him back and forth to work which didn't allow me to get a job. Well My parents told me that I should kick him out and keep the trailer to myself. I could not pay the bills there. I would have had to pay lot rent and the loan that my parents had gotten for the trailer. I had to move out of there with my children to live with my sister. I had no money to pay back the loan and my ex gave the trailer away to his friend. I had no money to pay back the loan and he wasn't going to pay it so my parents ended up paying off the loan themselves. My parents knowing that I was being abused are still mad at me for not paying off that trailor at the time.. I know it is confusing. I tried to explain it the best I could. There was so much going on at the time it was overwhelming. I lost my house and some of my belongings and my parent's respect all at once. Then I was alone. That was when my self esteem really went to it's all time low.


That was pretty much the story. There is alot more to it but I could write all night and I still couldn't write all the horror that was going on. He was such a horrible man. I hope no one looks at me bad. But I did what I thought the right thing was. I ended up living with him again for about a year just so he would sign the divorce papers . You would have to know him to understand why. I was so messed up in the head. My oldest daughter stayed living with my parents. I moved where I am today and he left me a year later. That was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I have not spoken to him since. That is when I started dating my husband that I have now. We talked on the Internet 5 years prior to us meeting. We were very good friends. After we met for the first time, we just decided that we would like to  be more than just friends. About six months later we were married. My mother loves my present husband,Robert. He is a great guy. She loves him more than me. I still look forward to seeing her.

I have gotten off the phone with my mother plenty of times crying. She can be very harsh and very uncaring sometimes. I don't even thinks she realizes she does it. I better go before I write a book. I hope all is well for everyone. I hope I didn't confuse anyone or make them not want to talk to me anymore. That time of my life was not the highlight of my life that is for sure. I am a different person now but i still feel the low self esteem. I will always be struggling with horrible memories. Thanks for listening everyone. God Bless.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

My husband is a blessing

I was up until 5 am last night in stomach pain. I am still in pain today. I have been through this before and it does go away after awhile. I have always had a very sensitive stomach. I am on prevacid so that should help a bit. It just gets annoying when I have kids and animals to take care of and I feel so sick. I am going to get a hot bath before my husband goes to work. He had to take off work on monday because I was in so much pain. I felt bad because we needed the money but I couldnt really do much.


The little picture is of me and my husband. The bigger picture is a picture of my husband and our dog.

My husband is such a great guy. He takes care of me when I am sick and he deals with my attitude that I sometimes get when I am in pain. I dont know what I would do without him. He is defenetly one of God's blessings to me. I have had bad experiences with men in the past. He is the first guy that I have known who has treated me with respect and love. He always put me before himself. For the first time ever, I think that I have found someone who truly loves me.

Well I guess I will go take that hot bath now. Hopefully it will help me relax. I know that most of my physical problems have to do with stress and depression. I am sure I will write more later.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I had this e-mailed to me by God's Daily Promise. I liked it and thought I would share it with everyone.

1. Healing Life's Hurts

Jesus asked, "Do you want to be made whole/well?"1

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly around frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won't even try to escape. Somehow they have been conditioned "to feel and believe" that there is no escape. They just keep circling in the cramped jar.

Many people are like this. Somewhere in their past, through a frightening and traumatic experience, such as being raped, sexually, physically, or emotionally abused or rejected as a child, they have been conditioned to believe at an unconscious level that they, too, are trapped and that there is no way out of their dilemma. And they end up going in circles with their life and/or relationships.

To be freed from this endless cycle of defeat, those of us who have been abused need the healing touch of God—and want it with all of our heart. As a general rule God uses other people to bring this healing. It begins with acknowledging our problem (often best detected by the symptoms we experience), genuinely wanting to be healed, being willing to face the agony of confronting these painful memories and damaged emotions, and getting the help we need (qualified counseling is often needed). Most important of all, start with praying the right prayer such as the following:

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that you care about my pain and where I have been hurt in my past. In many ways my life is in chaos and I have failed miserably in my closest relationships. Please give me the courage to face any and all painful memories, connect to them and bring them to the light for your healing. Please lead me to the help I need whatever that may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

1. John 5:6.

Early start

Well I had to get up early this morning to pick up my cat from the vetenarian. He is doing ok but hopefully won't have the desire to mark his territory anymore. He is being quite which is defenetly not like him. lol Ususally he is bothering me while I am trying to type. It was a break from last night till now from him climbing on the keyboard or bothering me when I am trying to read. lol. I did miss him though and I am glad that he is ok.

I am so tired today. I have to call and deal with this woman on the phone about my welfare case. I can't wait to be able to get off it totally. One person tells me to just send in my husbands new paystubs.So I dropped them off.  And then I get this paper saying my welfare is gong to shut down because I didnt send in the right info. I am very confused. I am not going to be talked down too today though. I am just not going to put up with that anymore. I am a person too even though I need assistance right now.

Now I get to lay down a bit and watch TV in peace until my daughter gets home from school. Then I have to get supper ready and pick my son up at football.

This is a picture of my son in his football uniform.

Well I guess I should go and get some things done before I lay down. I will probably post more later tonight.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Not feeling well




Above is a picture my youngest daughter drew for me. She always knows how to make me smile.

My oldest daughter e-mailed me from college today. That was a big surprise. I really thought she would be too busy to e-mail me. She is having the time of her life. But she is very serious about her learning. She is going to be a nurse. I am so very proud of her.

Here is a picture of my oldest daughter. She is a wonderful woman who is going to go far in life.
I had a hard time last night. I was up with shoulder pain so bad that I thought that I was going to have to go to the hospital. Finally it dulled down but I have been in pain since last night. My stomach hurts realy bad tonight. I have always had stomach problems. It runs in the family. That is one of the few things I have inherited that I wish I didnt lol. Well I am going to go lay down for the night. Hope everyone has a great night.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

5 things to be thankful for

I had a good weekend even though my car is having some issues. It keeps shutting itself down. My brother in law thinks it is the computer. I can deal with that if that is the worst it is. I am keeping calm. I had a hard time falling asleep last night but I stay up alot at night worrying. I wish I could kick that habit. Anyways...
I know I mentioned it before but my friend had told me to write down every morning five things that I am thankful for. She said I should do it the first thing when I get up. I decided to share my five things in my journal.
1) My children...some woman cant have children. I feel lucky that I am blessed with so wonderful, caring ,healthy, and loving children.
2) my husband..not everyone finds the love of thier life. I was married three times prior to this to abusive men. I finally found a wonderful and loving man. If there was such thing as soul mates, he would be mine.
3) My dogs and cats... They love me no matter what mood I am in. They listen to me when I need a friend to talk to. I hope no one thinks I am crazy but somtimes I think they actually listen to me. They are wonderful companions.
4) my house...even though it is falling apart. Some people dont even have a roof over thier heads. I am thankful for that.
5) my husband's job... people in this area struggle for jobs. We are thankful that he has one even if it is small.
6) my sister and brother in law...they are always there for me and love me no matter how loopy I get lol. I love them both dearly.
Well I realized that I could go on and on. God has blessed me. I still want to provide my family a better place to live but I am trying to be thankful for what I have. I need to learn patience. lol (which is something I am not good at)
Tomorrow I am dropping my cat off to get fixed. The vet is helping with costs. He is a wonderful Vetenarian. He is one of the few who are still in it for the animals and not the money. He is great with them and sometimes recomends home remedies for some sickness. It works most of the time. He is an old fashioned Vet. We will miss him when he retires. My cat had to get fixed..He decided to grow up and start marking his territory. Although it doesnt smell too bad righ tnow because he is little, it will get worse. We are nipping it at the bud so to speak.
I have to go now and get the kids bathed and ready for thier first day of school tomorrow. Thank you everyone for listening. God Bless everyone.

Friday, August 24, 2007


I had an adventure at the park. I was at the park with my sister and my two kids. My sister had to go and pick up my son at the school for football practice. We stayed at the park with the dogs while my sister was gone.
Well while she was gone, a bunch of people started coming to the park. Well when she left she acidently took the dog leashes with her so I had no leashes for the dogs.
My oldest dog actually tried to bite someone which he has NEVER EVER done in his entire 14 years of life. I dont know what got into him but these people didnt exactly look like very nice people. Maybe he senses something I dont know. I had to leave t he park and start walking towards the school with two kids crying and two dogs off leashes. It was quite an adventure. I ended up getting sick along the way as well. It was hot and humid out. Finally we met up with my sister. It was then cold baths for everyone
I learned never to take three dogs and two young kids to the park alone especially when one of the dogs is senile.

Giving myself break

Well I woke up in a good mood. I had to call and make an appointment for my cat to go see the Vetenarian. He needs his shots. I went with my husband to cash his check and get something small to eat. We came home. I am going to go to eat at the park this evening with the kids. We are going to order pizza and eat it there at the park. It is always a break for me because of no dishes. That is always nice. I am feeling alot better. I am trying to maintain a good attitude.
new subject: Thankful
My friend told me to write down 5 things every morning that I am thankful for. I am going to try this tomorrow morning. She said that maybe it will put my thoughts in order. I liked this advice and I plan to do it.
I have been friends with my friend Penny for a long time. We have been friends for 18 years. A few years ago when I was having probems with my ex husband and needed to move out of my trailor immediatly, I gave her my trailor because she needed a place to live right away.

I ws forced to leave the trailor because of abuse that my ex husband was doing to my children. I moved in with my sister in a townhouse in Reading 5 hours from where I live now. My friend Penny was homeless but unable to pay me for the trailor. I gave it to her because I didnt want to see her homeless.
I had also given her one of my older cars to drive.
I just wanted to say Thank You to my online friend manda2177 who sent me some things that I needed. That was really sweet of her. Thank you Amanda :-)
Since I have started this Journal, I have met some people on here who have helped me through hard times. Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.
Well I have to go and make some lunch. I will most likely be on here typing later tonight. I am adcited to this journal writing and reading. lol Stafe Safe everyone

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I had an ok day

I didn't really have a bad day. I slept late this morning. I had nightmares all night. But once I was up and about I did ok. I went out to dinner with my sister and then we talked about this loan thing. We are still hopeful of getting us a better place to love before winter. I have a very good attitude today. I am trying to keep going for my family. I don't want them to see me upset like that again. I am really trying to keep things together. Well I am hopeful for the best.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

very bad couple of days

I have not typed in my journal in a few days. I have been sleeping alot and not feeling well. My floor in my bedroom fell through and I almost ended up on the ground under our trailor. I have been so depressed. I am actually thinking about seeking out some mental help. I am always tired and I have been crying alot. I guess it is time for me to seek some sort of help whether it is medications or just talking to someone.
I am going to go lay down for now. I am exhausted mentally.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Yard sale shopping

I had a great day today. My sister and I went out yard sale shopping to find things that we need. I found a couple pairs of pants for my son real cheap. I also found a couple of lamps that we needed. We also found a stand that was giving away free produce that they couldnt use. We ended up getting some green beans and some squash. Yellow squash is my one of my favorite vegetables. I love boiled squash. She took me out to dinner afterwards. We had a real good time. The only child we had was my youngest son.
The school football coach took my son and a couple of other kids out and bought them all a pair of cleats. He is a great guy and a big help. Football cleats can be as pricey as 75.00 dollars a pair. He has always been such a good coach and friend to his team members. He is a great guy. He is old enough to retire but he keeps on going.

Friday, August 17, 2007

a very long but pleasant day

I had a very nice day today. My husband dropped our daughter off at Bible school so I could sleep in a bit. I went out later and met my friend for lunch at the park. My daughter went home with her and spent the rest of the day with her friend.
At 7 pm we went to see my daughter in a play about Queen Ester. All the kids did really well. I was so proud of my daughter. She looked so cut and remembered her line. She is spending the night at her best friend's house tonight whose mother is one of my best friends from a long time ago. My son had football practice and he was tired so he went to bed early. The only one awake is my youngest son. I plan to have a very peaceful and quiet well needed night.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A little frustrated

Well I am able to sit down for five minutes to type in my journal. Lately all i have been doing is running around.

It looks as if we may get our house loan in October. It is really hard to wait until then. I am not very good at waiting for anything. I am the type of person who just likes to get things done.

I found a house that I like but it will be gone most likely by october. But maybe it won't. I just have to be patient.
Tonight my daughter has a friend over to spend the night again. Tomorrow morning I have to get up ealry and take the kids to Bible school. Then I have an appointment at the doctor's office because I have an ear infection. Then after that i have to pick the kids up and take them to a picnic. I have a 1:00 appointent to see a house. After that I will join the kids at thier picnic. At 3:00 I have to drop my oldest son off at his football practice and then I have to pick him back up again at 5:00.
My daughter is spending the night at her friend's house tomorrow night so I think I may get some peace then. lol. I have been doing nothing but running around this week. In a couple of weeks they go back to school and then all I will have all day is the little one. I am looking forward to the much needed peace and quiet.
I am a little frustrated with the welfare system a liitle bit. I am on food stamps and medical (which I am not proud of) I would really like to get off of it as soon as possible. I lloked into getting a job. But if I work I will lose my children's medical. I dont mind losing my medical and the food stamps but medical for the kids scares me.
The job who wants to hire me does not have any benefits offered. And if i go to a private insurance carrier, I will be spending my whole pay check on insurance for three kids. I feel trapped in this. I want to get off assistance but there isnt any job around here who offers insurance. It really stinks.
I guess I have to stop coming up with excuses and just work. I am just afraid of losing medical for the kids and them getting really sick.
Someone that I know gave me some clothes that she had given to her. They were winter clothes. That was a blessing because I needed winter clothes badly. She was such a nice lady. She also gave me some other things that I could use.
Well I am taking up too much time on here. I have to get some things done around here. I am going to try to get the kids to bed early tonight because of Bible school in the morning. plus the peace tonight would be nice. But you know little girls. They will be up all night giggling.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

a long day

I had a long but somewhat enjoyable day. I had to run my daughter to Bible school and then come home and get some housework done. Then go back and pick my daughter and her friend up. I then went to look at another house for sale. I picked up my brother in law from the hospital. He is doing well now. I then took my son to football practice and took the girls and my youngest son to the park to play while he was at practice.
I bought the kids pizza and we ate it at the park. I came home and made sure they took a bath. Tomorrow they have to get up for Bible school again. Friday night they are doing a play. I am so excited to see it. It is about Queen Ester.

Monday, August 13, 2007

hectic day

All I did all day is run and run. I took my daughter to Bible school this morning. When I got back, I found out my brother in law was addmitted to the hospital for chest pains. I drove down there to see if he was ok. He was ok. He doesnt have heart problems. They think is is all stress or digestive problems. Thank goodness!! I visited him for awhile and then I had to go home and take out the dogs. My friend dropped off my daughter from Bible School.
Then I had an hour breather before I had to packl up the kids and take my oldest son to football practice,. Then I went to see my brother in law again and drop off some things he asked me to pick up from his house. Then I waited until my son got off of football practice.
We came home and I had to clean up the house because the phone man is coming tomorrow to fix our phone. Then I took the dogs out for a walk. I get to take a shower and then I have to pick my husband up from work. He usually rides to work with my brother in law but of course now I have to take him and pick him up because I need the car in the eveving.
Tomorrow it starts all over again.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

A very nice peaceful night

My sister watched the kids and me and my husband went out to see a movie. It was the town movie so it wasnt the best. It was Tranformers. It ended up being a pretty good movie afterall. I was happy to just spend alone time with my husband. When I got home, my fiiend from downstate called. She is visting hewr mother who lives up my way. I am going to meet her at her father's church tomorrow morning. Her father is a minister and a local church here. They have Bible scool tomorrow. I am going to meet her there
My children and her children grew up together so they get to see each other and go to Bible School. We are excited about it. Thank you everyone who reads my journal and has sent thier prayers. It is working. Things havent gotten much better but my attitude has been ALOT better. That to me is what is most important.
Well i have to get up early.. Post more in the morning.

cleaning day

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I spent most of my day in bed with a huge toothache. My sister watched the kids so that I could just lay in bed and sleep. I hate toothaches. I am much better today.
Today is an ok day. I am going to do some cleaning and go through some of my old things. Just in case i move this fall, I want to do some spring cleaning to get things in order. I am still hopeful about the move. I have got myself with the attitude, If I dont get out of here by winter, I will just make the best of it and get out of here by the next winter. I know that I can at least have a new place for my children by next summer. Everyone is healthy and oding ok so I am thankful for that. Back to cleaning.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I had a pretty good day today. I took the kids out school shopping. Of course there was alot of bugging for things that were too costly. I did however catch a big sale . I bought 75.00 worth of things for 30.00... It was things I needed to get anyways so it worked out very well.
i took the kids to the park and let them play for awhile. We ate Wendy's burgers there and had a good time for once. I have calmed down a bit. I hope that I continue to feel better.
Time to go through things..Late sprgin cleaning.. Post more tomorrow.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

I can not believe what just happened. I went to check my credit on this online credit report thing. And there was false info on it. It said I was in the Navy and it said I had a capitol one credit card I did not have.
I can't believe this!!!

i am actually in a hopeful mood today. I looked at a house today that was beautiful. We talked to a loan officer and he said he could work with us but it may take 2 months. That would put me before winter. I dont know for sure what will happen. But at least it was good news.
I am very tired but hopeful. I think I need a goodnight sleep. My toddler is asleep early tonight. I am so burnt out. I think I also need to take a day off to just not think about things.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Well I havent posted in awhile. I havent gottne more than 3-4 hours a sleep a night. The doctor gave me xanax but it doesnt work. Earlier today I had a good attitude. I went to look at a couple of houses. I have a loan officer tell me to get a couple of credit cards and he should be able to get me a loan in two months. I am hoping it is true.
I have been burnt with this stuff before so it is hard to trust anyone.
i have to be out of this house before winter because of the heating situation so I am so stressed.
i have had so much bad luck the last couple of days. I am a Christian but i am starting to lose faith in God. That is something i have to work on. Deep inside i know it isnt God's fault I am going through all this but sometimes i feel like he has abandoned me.
I know that is selfish of me to say sp I should try to have a better attitude.
It's been a long time since i have felt this run down. I am usually a strong person. I dont know what has happened to me. I have had some really hard times before.
i have been through way worse things but I dont think i have ever felt this run down before

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Kittens passed away. My son is so upset. He was very hopeful. He has the attitude now of why did he bother. I feel bad for him.

an ok day

The kittens are still alive. I dont know how. My 14 year old son is nurse mating them. I am afraid that he will be upset when they die. I really dont think they willmake it. Poor little guys are too premie to be out in the world.
I took the dogs out for a walk today. This was the first time in a long while. I enjoyed spending time with them. I also gave them a nice bath when i got home.
I wasnt jumping for joy today. But i enjoyed the nice day and tried to think positive.
I am hoping that I will have more days like today. I am going to try to get up in the morning and take the dogs out again.

Two kittens left still

Out of the six kittens that my cat, only two remain. They don't look good but they keep soldiering on. I don't think they are going to make it. I hate to see them suffer. Momma cat won't even feed then unless we make her. It is an awful situation. I don't ever want to go through that again. Maybe they will make it.

Friday, August 3, 2007

kitten troubles

My cat just had kittens tonight. They were premature though and they arent doing very well. :-( I really wish there was something I could do. They are barely haning on to life. She doesnt even want to nurse them. I feel so helpless. I am worried about them so this will be another sleepless night. But there is nothing i can do about it.
I guess I will have to see in the morning..I will be up early because my dog has a vet appointment tomorrow. I will check then.. Prognosis is not good though for the little angels.

no sleep for me

Well I didnt fall asleep until 5 am in the morning. I laid in bed until 11 today exhausted. i had to go out with my husband to cash his check and clean the car. Now after he goes to work, I have to grocery shop. I usually dont mind grocery shopping but I am exhausted. The two younger kids bug for everything and the oldest just get on my nerves saying "are you done yet?". It is always a nightmare in big proportions.
Tomorrow I have to take the dog to the vet. Whick is always a fun job. I spend alot of money for five minutes. lol. He is worth it but once again the kids will drive me nuts. I have been pulling my hair out but life without them would be unbarable.
I have bad so much trouble wiht my younges son with potty training. He will be three on october. I havent been rushing him but here is the problem: He takes his diaper off sometimes and pees on the floor. UGHHHH!!! I tell him to use the potty and sometimes he will. Other times he will pee in his diaper, take his own diaper off and then proceed to pee on the floor. What a nightmare!!!! Last night I had to wash my comforter because he peed on it. I have no clue what to do. none of the others ever did this.
This is way new to me.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

brighter side

Well I know I haven't written anything in the past couple of days. My mental state was not that good. I had done alot of crying and worrying over various things. I have gotten myself in a stable mental state that I am struggling to keep.
I have talked to the owners of the small 34,000 dollar house and they agreed to take some time and think about owner financing. I pray that this works out for me. I am trying, however, to be hopeful but not too excited so that I dont have a let down if it doesnt go well. My husband answerd the fake letter I sent in a positive way. He said that "he loves his wife and will not talk about or engage in anything that would jeapordise his marriage to her." I was so happy. I need to learn to trust him.
I also need to learn to trust others more. I need to remember that no matter what happens, I still have my family. I need to get myself together and start thinking about them more. I need to be stronger. (at least try to be) Thanks to someone who e-mailed me from reading my journal, I have realized that I should be thankful for waht I have. I know that my attitude is not oging to change over night. But I am going to try my best to have a more optimistic attitude towards things.
I am , however, going to try to get this house for my family. The place we live in now has no heat and is falling apart. i need to live closer to town. I want my family to have a better life and a better place to live. I need to calm down some (at least try). I need to put more trust into God. Trust is not an easy thing for me.