Monday, July 28, 2008

checking in

Hello all I wish I could say that things are going better but they arent. I havent been online much because I have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety. My health insurance benefits were dropped and I havent been able to get any help for it. I have spent most of my time in bed. I did go downstate to visit my parents and oldest daughter which ended up horrible. I had panic attack after panic attack. I am having such a hard time breathing.I dont know if this has to do with a physical problem or my anxiety. With no insurance, I am not going to see a doctor for it. I guess I have to leave it in God's hands. I am sorry that I have not commented on everyone's journals. I still wish the best for everyone and think about all of my j-land friends. I miss writing in my journal but I wanted to wait until I had something good to tell everyone. Nothing has looked up so I decided to check in and let everyone know that I am still here and hanging on. I will go into more detail about my trip downstate when I am feeling a little bit better. Not all of it was bad. I am going to go lay down for awhile. I wish everyone well and I will keep everyone in my prayers. God Bless.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

job interview

My husband got a phone call today for a job interview. He has to go on thursday at 1:00. I am hoping he gets the job. It is for a small job but it will really help out. At least he will get his foot in the door and maybe get a full time position there. It is at least a glimmer of hope for us. If nothing else it gets him out of my hair for a few hours. We have been argueing alot. I think it is because he is home all the the time and we just get on each other's nerves.

My mother is coming up to get the bigger kids on thursday. She doesnt want to take my three year old son because he is too young to be away from me for a long period of time. I understand that. She is taking them for a week and half. I decided to stay home and enjoy the quiet. Maybe I can get some reading done. I enjoy reading but with the kids home from school, I find it impossible to concentrate on what I am reading. I find myself reading the same page over and over again and still not knowing what I just read. lol My three year old is quiet without the other two around. He usually finds something quite to do like play with his play dough shreck set.

Well I guess I am going to try to get some sleep. Try is the key word.


Monday, July 7, 2008

addicted to journaling

Hello all . I gues I am adicted to journaling. I said I was going to take a break and here I am. lol.. I cant seem to keep myself away from it. My day today wasnt bad. I went grocery shopping for some small things. Then I took the dogs out for a walk before it started raining.

This is my dog Bear. He is like my 5th child. He is a great dog. He is very loving but very serious when it comes to protecting his family. He loves to cuddle and hug.

I know this is a short entry but I have alot of housework to get accomplished. I dont do the housework during the day because my trailor feels like a baked potato. HOT!! I am not going to clean in 90 degree weather . Well I hope all is well for everyone.


Sunday, July 6, 2008

Taking a break

I am going to most likely take a break from reading journals. It may be a couple of days until I get back online for any long length of time. You know how it is when you miss a couple of days of journals and they become so many that it is hard to catch up? I just want to try to get my mind straight so that I can deal with my financial problems at hand. I just wanted to let everyone know that i am thinking about them. All of you J-land friends mean a lot to me. I am sorry about my sad journal entries. I just try and write how I feel.  If i feel sad and down, that is what I write. Sometimes it helps to get some of the negative feelings out. I think the worst of it for me is missing my sister. : (

My thoughts and prayers are with you. If anyone needs me, Just e-mail me.

A dog's purpose


I was sent this from a forward. I thought that I would share it would everyone. I love my dogs and I will miss them dearly. They had been my friend when noone else has. They laid and cuddled with me when I was sad. They listened to me when noone else would. I know it is silly but they are a big part of my family and my life.


Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a
 ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's
 owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane,
 were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for
 a miracle.
 I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told
 the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and
 offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog
 in their home.
 As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought
 it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the
 procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something
 from the experience.
 The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as
 Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm,
 petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if
 he understood what was going on.
 Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
 The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition
 without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a
 while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the
 sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
 Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I
 know why.'
 Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth
 next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting
 He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to
 live a good life -- like loving everybody all the timeand
 being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued,
 'Well, dogs already know how to d o that, so they
 don't have to stay as long.'
 Live simply.
 Love generously.
 Care deeply..
 Speak kindly.
 Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things
 When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
 Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
 Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
 to be pure ecstasy.
 Take naps.
 Stretch before rising.
 Run, romp, and play daily.
 Thrive on attention and let people touch you
 Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
 On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
 On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
 When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire

 Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
 Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had
 Be loyal.
 Never pretend to be something you're not.
 If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it .
 When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by
 and nuzzle them gently.
 Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing
 you have.
 That's what dogs teach us...


I am very embarrassed to even write this journal entry. I had been doing so well the last few days. Today I am a mess!! I was ok last night at the fireworks until I got home. I felt this overwhelming feeling of doom and hopelessness. I took my medicine and figured that it would pass. It didn't pass. This morning I am crying and feeling lost. First of all I miss my sister so much that I cant stand it anymore. She was there for me when I felt sad or scared. Now I feel like I don't have anyone. My husband and I have been fighting alot, mainly over money and the lack of it. I hurt so bad. I know everyone has told me to keep my chin up and keep a good attitude. I just cant. I see the future and it looks so grim. My husband runs out of unemployment in September. Because I don't get any child support for my children, I wont be able to survive past then. I am going to lose my house. I look around the house and see the things that I worked so hard for. They will all be gone soon. I am not materialistic but some of the stuff was things that belonged to family members that have passed away. My mother wont even let me keep the special things in her house. The most special thing is a bookcase that my father made me when I was real little. That is the only thing he had ever done for me and it means alot to me. I cant take anything with me but my clothes and the kids clothes. I have to find homes for all my animals. They are like family to me. My mother said that the kids could stay with her for three months so that I could get myself situated but i cant stay there. That really hurts me. I need my mom to at least talk to me with some support. I don't have a mother to talk to. I might live in a trailer that is falling apart but it is my home. I dont have anywhere to go. I had som many plans for this trailer and property. The mortgage would have been paid off in 12 months. At that time I was going to start fixing things up. I had already put a deck out front and made a raised flower bed. The outside looks so pretty. I guess I should stopwhining about this. I cant control it. There isn't anything that I can do. I have called alot of government programs and no one has any kind of funding. Plus because my mortgage is a owner financed mortgage no one will help me. I was so close to making me and my sister's dream come true. It will all be gone now. I can barely stand being it it because it hurts so bad to even look at it. I am very sorry that I have written such a gloomy posting. Like i said I have no one to talk to so I write in here to get some of the emotion out. I dont know how I am going to make it through  the day. Thank you all for listening. Please say a prayer for my children. This is going to rough for them. I feel as if i have left them down. They need all the prayer that they can get. Thank you

God Bless troops and keep them safe

Saturday, July 5, 2008

a slow but nice day so far

I decided last night that today I was going to have a nice day no matter what. I got up this morning and started to cut up fruit for my fruit salad. I cut up strawberries, canalope, and bananas. I am also baking a angel food cake to compliment the fruit. I am making a salad with lettuce, carrots, beans, cucumber, and radishes. I am going to make hamburgers and hot dogs tonight for supper. I am not much of a cook but I am going to try.

I had a rough night last night. My body hurt all over so bad and I had problems breathing. I think part of it was my fibromalgia but I dont know. I am tired of going to the doctor because they really dont do anything for me at all. It just gets frustrating.

The black and white cat that I took in left sometime last night. I guess he just wanted some food and some attention. I am worried about him but maybe he will come back. I cant help all the animals but I can try.

My brother in law moved back into the trailor next door where the free loaders were staying. He is so unhappy. I know that he misses my sister as do I. I know it is hard for him to live in the trailor where they spent three years in together. I really wish that he would move on and try to be happy somewhere else. Not for my sake but for his. He is a big help financially with the bills here. But I dont want him to stick around because of that. I think he feels is has an obligation to stay here and help us because of being family. I dont want him to feel that way.If he wants to stay then I really hope he does. I just dont want him to be unhappy. I want him to eventually find someone and have a life. He is a great guy and deserves to be happy. He stuck by my sister when she ws very sick. At the end she was very grouchy and yelled alot. She was beginginng to get abusive at the end. He did the right thing and stuck by her. Trust me it was not easy.

I am going to go and finish my baking. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Stay safe everyone!!

Friday, July 4, 2008


I hope that everyone has a wonderful and sunny fourth of July. We arent doing much today. I am baking a patriotic cake for desert tonight. I am not a very good baker but I am going to try. Tomorrow night is firework night. I promised the kids that I would take them although I dont like the crowds. I told them they could play a few games. The fire company here always hosts a fund raiser with some games for the kids. They have alot of fun. I will just have to try to keep from having a panic attack from the crowds.

Today the kids and I sat down to discuss what the true meaning of July fourth. I wanted to make sure that they inderstood that in the midst of picnics and fireworks and games.

Well I am going to go and try to make that cake. Have fun everyone and stay safe this holiday weekend.

(I pulled these off a forward someone gave me. I loved them so I wanted to add them in my journal)

God bless America and our troops.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Stressful day shopping


Thank you Terry for the

beautiful graphic

I went out grocery shopping today. The stores were packed. I had panic attack after panic attack. People just stand in the middle of the isles just doing nothing. Then there are the people who are right behind me huffing and puffing because i am looking at something for a minute. People were just rude. Even though it was busy I still found  the time to be polite and smile. Why cant other people do the same thing?? It was insane!! The shelves were empty. All the cheaper meat was just about gone. I have never had a problem like that before at least not to this extent. I felt like people were crawling up  my butt. It was awful.

I had another wanderer come to my house today. My daughter kept saying that she saw a black and white cat hanging around  the house the last few days. I should have believed her but sometimes she had a very vivid imagination. I just told her ok and to leave him alone. Well today the cat found a way into our house. He is very skinny. I showed him the food and he went crazy eating it. Being that there isn't any house around here for miles who even has a cat, I think he is probably another dump off. I called the ASPCA and they said they were full and could not take him even though he is a stray .I don't have the heart to just turn him away  So I am stuck with him. He will be cat number 5. I really don't have the money to care for him right now with vet care and such. But he would be no better out in the woods scrounging for food. He is very scared. I feel so sorry for him. I cant imagine my family throwing me into the streets. There are coyotes here that love cats for dinner. It's a shame. I will put an ad up in the stores around here saying that I found him but I wont hold my breath.

 My adopted niece is doing very well. I don't really know much of what is going on because her mother is at the hospital with her night and day. I talked briefly with her father and he said she was fine. Thank you for all your prayers.

I am going to close my journal for the night. I am so tired from grocery shopping today. I plan to lay down and watch TV. I hope to write more tomorrow.

God Bless the troops

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

prayer request for adopted niece

I am very worried about my adopted niece. She is my best friend's daughter from downstate. She is 10 years old and in the hospital for major sugery. She was born early and had to have a shunt put in her head to drain the fluid from her brain. This morning the tube had gotten clogged and she started to have alot of pain. She went into seizures and was throwing up. She was rushed into the hospital and put into surgery immediately. I am so worried that she may not make it. She is so sick of all the surgeries that she tried to lie and say it didn't hurt so that she would not have to go through it again. That breaks my heart. : ( She is 10 and way too young to pass away. My daughter and her are best friends still even though they don't see each other much anymore. They are only a couple of weeks apart in age. I used to baby sit her all the time and was like an Aunt to her. I love her dearly. Please say a prayer for her. She is going through much more than a 10 year old should have to endure. Thank you all.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I want it now!( something to think about)

I wasn't going to get online to write in my journal again today but while I was out I had gotten a church flyer that was very thought provoking. It was called" I want it now"

He was talking about how our society has become, for the most part, a now society. We have the commercials about the lump sum payouts that we can get instead of waiting for the monthly payments. We have instant oatmeal, coffee, and many instant foods. It had gotten me thinking about how we now how microwaves to heat up our food. My grandmother used to take hours to cook a full meal and now it takes minutes. The same with baking. There is instant cookie dough. Most people dont make thier own cake batter or cookie dough. Credit cards are the tools for our now thought pattern if you think about it. You dont have to save up with a credit card just get it right away and pay for it later. This is where large credit card debt comes into play. Then we tend to over spend and buy things that we really dont need. i have bought many things that at the time I thought i needed now it sits in my closet or dusty on the shelf.

" Impulse buying has ruined relationships and lives" (Pastor B. J. Knefly said) "living our lives to satisfy our immediate desires can lead to regret and remorse" I know that is true because i have bought something only to regret buying it when I had gotten home.

Proverbs 3:13-15 "Happy is the person who finds wisdom and gains understanding. For the profit of wisdom is better than silver, and her wages are better than gold. Wisdon is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare to her."

I know I am guilty of this sometimes. It's just for a thought.

God Bless

very tired today

Hello all. I was reading one of my online Bible readings that I get via e-mail and I came across this article. I thought it applied to me right now because I have been fighting keeping negative and hopeless feelings out of my head. Sometimes I win and sometimes i lose. Today I am having trouble breathing. I think it has to do with overwhelming stress. If it doesn't stop, I will call the doctor. I wish I would get this under control.


Do I need to fear the devil's intrusion?

"But if I am casting out demons by the power of God, then the Kingdom of God has arrived among you. For when Satan, who is completely armed, guards his palace, it is safe—until someone who is stronger attacks and overpowers  him, strips him of his weapons, and carries off his belongings."

Luke 11:20-22 NLT

The Stronger Man

Do not be misled: Satan is strong in power and cunning. He has laid low some of God's choicest servants because they underestimated him and overestimated themselves. Even Samson with all his strength was no match for Satan. Nor was Solomon with all his wisdom.

So how can you keep the devil and his buddies out of your "house"? A man stronger than the one who controls you must deliver you. Only one qualifies as stronger than Satan: Jesus Christ.

I want to make it clear that genuine Christians need not fear being possessed or controlled by demons; Jesus is not into a time-sharing program with Satan. The Bible tells us, "He who has been born of God keeps himself, and the wicked one does not touch him." (1 John 5:18)

Oh, Satan may knock on the doors and rattle the windows. He may threaten to "huff and puff and blow the house down." But he cannot enter because someone stronger has taken up residence. "Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1 John 4:4 KJV)--------------------------------------------------------

I hope all is well for everyone. I hope everyone sleeps better tonight. I have noticed that alot of my online friends did not sleep very well last night. I didn't go to bed until 7:30 and then had to get up at 10:30. I am beat beyond all recognition.


insomnia stinks

Insomnia stinks. Instead of tossing and turning in my bed, I decided to write an entry in my journal. I was really tired earlier and then my youngest daughter woke up all congested. I let her sleep on a mattress on my bedroom floor so that she didn't wake up my 3 year old. I set up the vaporizer for her and soon she was fast asleep. Lucky her. : ) After having to get out of bed to deal with her and get her situated now I am wide awake. I am tired but just cant get to sleep. My tooth really hurts so that doesn't help the situation any.

My oldest son was up until 1 am on the computer. He is on the computer chatting with his friends all the time. Instead of the phone, it is the computer constantly. He is talking to his friends in school. I guess because of all the rain they really don't have much else to do.

Since the kids have been home from school, I have not been able to go into the freezer and actually get an ice cube for my drink. They never replace the ice cube tray when they empty it or they leave one ice cube in there so that they don't have to take the time out to refill it and put it back in. It goes the same way with the toilet paper. How hard is it to get a new role?? School is nice that is for sure. lol They do nothing but fight with each other about every little thing. The older ones adjatate the younger one. I just want to pull my hair out!! But yet when they go away for a couple of days, I miss them silly. I just wish it would stop raining so that I can turn them loose outside for a bit. The dogs are the same way. They just need to run and get some energy out.

I have to get up early tomorrow to go to an appointment. I will be half asleep I am sure. Maybe I will sleep well tomorrow night from shear exhaustion.

I talked to my friend downstate tonight online. She said that I could stay with her for a couple of days if i need a break from my mother for a little while. My mother and I tend to get on each other's nerves if we stay together too long. She has to make some sly remark about something that has to do with me all the time. She will just mumble it to herself loud enough where I can hear. I hate that. She just takes over the kids when they are there too. I understand she is grandmother but she acts like I am not there to make decisions for them. She frustrates me sometimes. I guess I will go down there for a break away from here. I still don't know for sure. My mother drives up here and picks us up and always has me drive back down so that she can have a break. That is fine but I am always nervous about driving her car. It is brand new and my dad is very picky about the car. Then there is the kids in  the bcak seat fighting on the way down there. Five hours of them having to sit still. It is always fun.

Well I guess I am going to try to lay down and sleep. It probably wont work but it is worth a try. I hope everyone had a nice night.