Sunday, July 6, 2008

Lost

I am very embarrassed to even write this journal entry. I had been doing so well the last few days. Today I am a mess!! I was ok last night at the fireworks until I got home. I felt this overwhelming feeling of doom and hopelessness. I took my medicine and figured that it would pass. It didn't pass. This morning I am crying and feeling lost. First of all I miss my sister so much that I cant stand it anymore. She was there for me when I felt sad or scared. Now I feel like I don't have anyone. My husband and I have been fighting alot, mainly over money and the lack of it. I hurt so bad. I know everyone has told me to keep my chin up and keep a good attitude. I just cant. I see the future and it looks so grim. My husband runs out of unemployment in September. Because I don't get any child support for my children, I wont be able to survive past then. I am going to lose my house. I look around the house and see the things that I worked so hard for. They will all be gone soon. I am not materialistic but some of the stuff was things that belonged to family members that have passed away. My mother wont even let me keep the special things in her house. The most special thing is a bookcase that my father made me when I was real little. That is the only thing he had ever done for me and it means alot to me. I cant take anything with me but my clothes and the kids clothes. I have to find homes for all my animals. They are like family to me. My mother said that the kids could stay with her for three months so that I could get myself situated but i cant stay there. That really hurts me. I need my mom to at least talk to me with some support. I don't have a mother to talk to. I might live in a trailer that is falling apart but it is my home. I dont have anywhere to go. I had som many plans for this trailer and property. The mortgage would have been paid off in 12 months. At that time I was going to start fixing things up. I had already put a deck out front and made a raised flower bed. The outside looks so pretty. I guess I should stopwhining about this. I cant control it. There isn't anything that I can do. I have called alot of government programs and no one has any kind of funding. Plus because my mortgage is a owner financed mortgage no one will help me. I was so close to making me and my sister's dream come true. It will all be gone now. I can barely stand being it it because it hurts so bad to even look at it. I am very sorry that I have written such a gloomy posting. Like i said I have no one to talk to so I write in here to get some of the emotion out. I dont know how I am going to make it through  the day. Thank you all for listening. Please say a prayer for my children. This is going to rough for them. I feel as if i have left them down. They need all the prayer that they can get. Thank you

God Bless troops and keep them safe

8 comments:

cwindypop said...

Maybe you could file bankruptcy. Once you file you don't have to pay credit cards and stuff; just the main things BGE etc. Do you have a physical condtion that makes it so you can't work? What about social services since you have kids under 18 yrs?

cwindypop

luvrte66 said...

Christine, I think you should talk to your doctor. You said that you are taking medicine, so I know you have a doctor, so please give him/her a call. Also, in our phone book, I found a toll-free number for both Family Support Services and a Family Help Line. This is a state agency, so that number wouldn't work for you, but look in your phone book and find those numbers under your state government listings. Give it a try.

Hugs,
Beth

buggieboo1 said...

Christine it's ok it's your journal write away! It helps me when I am feeling this way too! and last night I was feeling really down too! I hope soon the gloom will lift.

Sharon

fieldpixie272 said...

I agree with all these commentors, its your journal you can cry if you want to!  Also see your dr if you are dealing with depression.  And if you can work, get it together and go to work!  If you cant, get to the welfare office NOW, by September the paperwork could be done, these things take time.  Its ok to take a day to just feel gloomy, but you have four children.  You only get one day.

Tomorow morning you need to start over.  Take stock of your situation and make a list of what you can do and just start doing them, one at a time.  You said your husband is on unemployment which will run out in September.  This is not disability so the theory is that he CAN find work.  Help him get his resume together or iron his shirt or whatever you can do to help him get a job, do it.  September is 3 months away!  

Have faith!  Do you believe in God?  Then have faith that you will stay in your home and all will be well.  You dont need to know HOW this will happen, just have unwaivering faith that it WILL.  God gave you an imagination for a reason, so that you can formulate paths to your future, not just for entertainment.

Stop looking around and saying it will all be gone.  Start saying, everyone is healthy and we are going to be fine!

bojgill4375 said...

So sorry Christine. Will keep you in my prayers. Hugs, Janie

csandhollow said...

Hold your head hun. Do not give up. Keep fighting to keep it. maybe you can make arrangements with the person you are buying from.
Kick him in the butt and make him start looking.
Why not try to get child support? Apply for AFDC and they will go after it for you.

pprrrr39 said...

I am so very sorry to hear that everything around you is just so overwhelming.
It cannot be easy and my heart goes out to you.
I am hoping that your husband can find some kind of job and that you can get some help.
Keeping you in my prayers
hugs Jayne

salemslot9 said...

The mortgage would have been paid off in 12 months.
hope there's something you can do...