Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
My mother came up the day after. We actually had a good time. We did not fight at all. We went shopping and out to eat.
I did have some bad news though. I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. I dont know sure what this means for me but it doesnt sound good. he doctor didnt have a very serious conversation with me. I thought I should have been referred to a specialist. That is just me. Just one more thing to worry about.
Well i finished my GED test . Now I have to wait for the results. I dont think I did very well in math because if my meds. I will just have to see.
I hope everyone has a very happy new year.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Colossians 3:2 NLT
Henry Ward Beecher
Psalm 136:1 NLT
When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT
Friday, December 12, 2008
Louis H. Evans1
Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
I have been writing more in my notebook journal that I carry around with me alot. I was putting some real uplifting comments and some real interesting thoughts in it but the last coule of days I just cant seem to get my thoughts together.
I found this verse that I thought was uplifting:
"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow—perhaps it all will.""
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
I am always so afraid of losing everything. I know it is going to happen. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach of impending doom. I know things are going to get worse before they get better.t have to keep my eyes on the future. This is not something that I am used to doing. Lately my eyes have been on the past. Tomorrow night is the big night for me to take my GED. I am going to get there come hell or high water. It is the first and big step towarsd hope for me and my children for the future. I must not fail.I am going to try to hold on to what I can until my life gets better. I must fight. I must keep going.
Some just posted on freecycle (a site that is made to giev away or ask for thisg that people need) that someone needs some things for her/his apartment. She/he was homeless and just had gottne an apartment. She/he has a job but has to give it all towards rent. I have been there. I wish that i could help more but I do have an extra microwave and some odds and ends that I can spare. It is times like this when i wish I could help more. When I am in the position to do more, I am going to.
I just want to get thought the day today. That is all I can ask for today. Like everyday, I miss Melissa. Since her death, I have been afraid(terrified of everything). It is defenetly a disabilty that I have.
I hope everyone has a good day. thank you for listening. ((HUGS))
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
I picked my car up from the shop today. I didnt get everything fixed but I had the important things finished. I have 300 more dollars to come up with to get it inspected. It sure is better than having to come up with 800 dollars. The only bill that I am late with now is the electric bill. That company is sure being a pain in the butt. I keep giving them money and they will say everything is ok. A week later I am having to pull some more money together. They know they are getting LIHEAP soon so I dont kow why they are pressuring me. I owe 216 dollars now. Most of it isnt even late. They are just very picky. My other utilities are very lenient and understanding.
Today wasnt a bad day all and all. I was very lazy and bought McDonald's for the kids for supper. I didnt feel like the after dinner mess cleanup. I enjoyed eating out even if it was only McDonalds. It doesnt help my diet any though. : (
My son had his birthday yesterday. He is now 4 years old. The years fly by. I remember when he was first born. He was so tiny. I miss those days except for the four hour feedings. lol.. He didnt get much for his birthday. He got a car and a play cell phone from me . My mother sent him some money and bought him some PUTT PUTT computer games. He loves them. If any body is looking for computer games for toddlers, this is a great game. He never gets bored with them and it makes him think and learn computer skills. It is about a car and his quest to help people find things. There is one from the moon , zoo, circus and goes through. They are really good games.
I am hanging in there. I know things will get better for me someday. I hope things are going well for everyone.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Money is very tight but I am trying very hard to keep things going. I have been trying not to worry as much. I made myself get out of bed at a descent hour today which was a change. I put more wood in the wood stove and did some laundry. My energy is now all spent. I think the anxiety really sucks the energy out of me. I think I am going to try to get out and take the dogs for a walk today. I have been trying to find them good homes. I had to fine homes for two others awhile ago. That was very hard on me and I miss them very much. We used to have five dogs and two cats. My money situation used to be a lot better and we cold handle the care and feeding of them. Now our financial problems are really bad since my husband was laid off from his good job at the light bulb factory. The whole factory shut down and it has been downhill since then. My sister didn't help with her not paying bills like she was supposed to. She has made us so far behind. We have made it the last year since she had passed away trying to catch up and stay current on bills.To top is off I have no heat here but a wood stove that barely works. It has not been easy. We are trying very hard but i feel that we are going down with the ship. It would be cheaper to rent but in order to find help with that, I would have to sell this property. Trust me that is impossible. So here I am trapped.
I decided to say something nice in this journal if it killed me. Something upbeat or positive. I am learning a big lesson from this. I am learning to appreciate what I have. It isn't easy sometimes to feel positive when so many negative things are happening. I know that I am lucky to have a place over my head for now. I am lucky to have such wonderful children who love me and for the most part understand. I am very fortunate to have such good online friend. Maybe if i can get myself to college, I can make some new friends. Who Knows?? I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.
I have decided to try to go see someone about my depression. I don't have much insurance so it will be hard. I will call and see what someone can do for me. It might be good for me. I have to get my car on the road first though. Thank you for all your prayers. I will always keep everyone in my prayers. Stay safe!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.
I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
We have hot water now. Thank goodness for that. Our heater isnt working well though so it has been cold. If it isnt one thing it is another. I have not even wanted to come out of bed. I really dont know what to do. I feel that if I stay in this house I will fail and lose everything. I feel trapped here with nowhere to go. I couldnt go take my GED test n saturday because I didnt have enough money. I am scheduled to take it november 22. It is anyone's guess if I will have teh money then. I am now behind on so many bills because of having to get my car fixed. It is horrible. I dont think things are going to end well for me. I have slipped into such a bad depression. I just dont knoe how to get myself out of it. My head is spinning in a hundred directions and my body hurts so bad. I have been so sick to my stomach.
I miss my sister so much right now. It has been almost a whole year since she has passed away. I am still in so much pain. On the 25 of the month it will beone year since she has past away. I am so lonely without her. I dont really have anyone. I just dont know how long I can go on like this. The last couple of days have been horrible. I am so worried about everything. I dont even know how I am going to feed my family next month.
I went to the Pa Career link yesterday morning. It was the only time I had gotten out of bed in awhile. I went there to apply for a job. The guy who helped me said that I might as well forget about college because I would never be able to afford it.He said that I should just forget about that. My heart just sank. That was the only hop ethat I had to get my children a better life. well I will go for now. I hope everyone is doing well. God Bless
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
This little girl's family were all killed. He is the only one that seems to be able to confort her.
Please be with our troops while they are fighting for our country over in Iraq. Keep them safe and bring the them home safe and sound to thier familes. Thank you for blessing us with these special selfless people.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Stay safe everyone.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Countdown: 9 days until I take my GED test
I have always thought my children were the most special people in the world to me. But lately I have been appreciating them more and more. I realize that they are the most precious things in my life. They brighten even the darkest day.
My oldest daughter, Tiffany 19, doesnt call home as much as I would want her to. I really miss talking to her but she has her own life now. I am glad that she is keeping on track and getting her life started the right way. (unlike her mother)
My oldest son, Carl(CJ)16, is a Godsend sometimes when it comes to the younger two. Sometimes he helps me and other times he is just too bullheaded. Most of the time, when I have had just about enough of the little ones for the day, he will step in and help keep them in line. I think he will always look out after them even though he says they get on his nerves. lol
My youngest angel , Emily 10, can be a blessing and a handful. She likes to talk and talk and talk. But when i feel down ,she is the first to try to cheer me up. She is always concerned about everyone in the family. As a matter of fact, she can be a bit obsessive on having to know where everyone is. That tends to drive me insane sometimes. She has Ad/HD and can be a handful.
My youngest son, Daniel, is more like me than any of the other ones. He looks alot like me and he acts like me. He has my stubborness and my temper as well. Everything has to be done right and at that very instance. He tells me everyday many times that he loves me and is defenetly my little cuddle bug. We sat and read at least 6 books last night. It is amazing t hat being a three year old he would sit and listen to every word. I guess I dont have to worry about him having ad/hd.
Everything is ok today. I am having a flair up with my fibromalgyia. It really hurts but i try to keep myself going. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am fighting depression today but I am getting through the day. i didnt get out of bed today until about 11:00. The kids got up and I told them to get cereal and watch cartoons. I just laid undr my warm covers. I didnt want to get up. The kids wre good. My bedroom is right next to the living room so I could hear every word. I felt like a bad mother but i just had no motivation to get out of bed today. I am going to try to take the dogs out for a walk later this evening. I am hoping that will help my depression some.
My husband brought home a black lab puppy the other day. She was free and Emily bugged for her. I thought thsi was insane because i just found a home for two of my dogs due to lack of money. Although our money situation has improved drastically, I didnt want to bring another dog home. My daughter loves her and i just dont have the heart to take her from her. I have been making her take care of her and take responsibility for her care. I take care of her most of the time. She is adorable but alot more work than I had wanted. I told my husband and all my kids not to bring home any other animal. I just dont have the time right now for them. I will take some pictures of my babies as soon as I get the time. I have three dogs and two cats. One cat just wondered up our driveway five years ago and has never left. The other one is our indoor baby.
I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe everyone.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I hope everyone is hanging in there with the journal situation. I am not sure if I am going to continue to journal or not. Maybe I am taking too much time on the computer anyways. If i decide to go to the other site, I will post my link before the end. Good luck everyone and stay safe
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I will miss AOL journals. It has been a big part of my life for the last couple of years. I will try the new blogger site. I already started but didnt like it much. I will give it a try though. As soon as I get things set up. I will post my address there.
I can't respond to any emails today, something has crashed on my computer.
and my mouse is missing ..... : )
Have a great day everyone!! ((HUGS))
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I have spent the last couple of days very sick. I have a 101.5 fever most of the day yesterday. I hurt all over. I ended up getting what the kids had. Cant say they don't share. lol... This was one nasty virus. I am still sick. The kids got over it alot easier than me. I feel old..
I am trying so hard to keep a good attitude. Everyday it is something new going on. I am so afraid to be comfortable in my house because I am afraid that i will lose it. I will be more broken hearted if i was comfortable here. I am always afraid to be happy in fear that it will be all taken from me. Now I have a new worry. Apparently my sister had alot of unpaid debts. They are saying that they can take my house away from me. I was told because the trailers were in my mane as well that it cant go into probate so there is nothing to worry about. This did not come from a lawyer so I have no clue what they can or can not do. I am so tired of everything. I have no where to go if I lose this house. This has been a never ending struggle. We have put so much money in this house the last few months trying to catch up on mortgage and get things on track. As soon as I feel relieved that things are under control, everything flies out of have again. I fight depression as it is so things have been really challenging. I have been trying to keep my chin up even though things keep going wrong. I know some people have it way worse than me. I should be thankful for what i do have.
My 10 year old daughter had received a paper from school saying that her grades are failing. She keeps failing to finish assignments. She is not very organized. My 16 year old son just received a detention for acting up in class. I tried to talk to him and he said that he just doesn't care. He said that i should stick up for him and that he didn't do it. I have a hard time believing him. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have been so rapped up in trying to hold on to this house that I have ignored the needs of my children. This has been a rough ride. I just want my children to have a roof over their heads. This has been a fight in itself.
I need peace. I have been trying to hard to find it. I have been unsuccessful. I have been told that if i was a true Christian that I would have peace in my life no matter what. What I am doing wrong?? I just cant seem to find it. Is it out of my reach?? What is my purpose in life?? These are questions I ask myself all the time.
I can do this. I can hold this together. I need to stop worrying. Easier said then done but i will give it my best. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.
Blessings to all
Monday, September 22, 2008
I thought this was cute so i thought i would share it with everyone. Everyone needs a laugh.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom-broom.
The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this is going to hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
I am really tired today. My youngest son, Daniel, had a fever yesterday of 102.5. I gave him Tylenol and in about an hour it went down to 101.5. I keep checking it off and on and it stayed about the same. Then in the evening it spiked back up to 102.5. I called the doctor and she said just give him Tylenol and make sure he drinks alot. She said to call her if it went up any higher. Of course being that he was sick, he wanted to cling to me and noone else. I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry. He kept saying that it hurt. He was pointing to all over his body so I figured it was the aching from the fever. This morning he woke up and he is down to 99.7. I took it again a little while ago and it is still low. He is sleeping now and I figure he will sleep alot today. I am not used to it being so quiet during the day. The other two are at school. We were all sick here but none of us had a fever of any kind. I dont know exactly what he has.
I woke up this morning. My joints hurt me so bad. I have been tryingo to get some housework finished while my son is sleeping. When he wakes up , I wont be able to get anything finished. He was saying all day yesterday " I love you mommy" over and over again all day. He is such a sweet little boy. I hope he feels better later today. I hate to see my babies sick.
Here are some pictures from over the summer.
my daughter Emily and my son Daniel
Daniel playing on the slip and slide at my mother's house downstate
Daniel and Emily when we went to knoebles in Danville, Pa. My mother took us on the way to her house to visit.
My oldest daughter Tiffany and Daniel
my angel sleeping
Emily on the slip and slide
my oldest son , Carl (CJ) and Emily getting ready to ride a ride
My three babies : )
Daniel and Tiffany
Tiffany and Emily riding the log flume ride
My three brats lol
The tea cup ride . Emily might look calm now but she screamed alot lol
That is my family. I dont have many pictures on the computer. Tiffany sent those to me. I hope everyone has a great monday.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'
'Don 't what ? '
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '
' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
'She started it! '
'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THEDAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Have a great Sunday!!