Wednesday, December 31, 2008

wrong diagnoses

I dont have much time to write but I wanted to let everyone know that it was a wrong diagnoses. They did an echocardiogram and it came out normal. They xrays showed the heart a bit large but the echo is a better test. I have normal blood pressure. I have never had high blood pressure so I was very surprised. They are doing a stress test to make sure everything is ok. Thank you for commenting.
Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Long time no write

It has been awhile since i sat down to type in my journal. The medicne the doctor put me on makes it very hard to concentrate.I am going to tell the doctor because i like to write in my journal as well as read. It has been hard to do either. I have been hanging in there. My Christmas was ok. I have been going through alot of side affects from the medicine. I have had mood swings and jerky muscles. I spent a quiet Christmas at home just with the kids and husband. It was very nice. This will be the first Christmas ever that I have spent at home.
My mother came up the day after. We actually had a good time. We did not fight at all. We went shopping and out to eat.
I did have some bad news though. I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. I dont know sure what this means for me but it doesnt sound good. he doctor didnt have a very serious conversation with me. I thought I should have been referred to a specialist. That is just me. Just one more thing to worry about.
Well i finished my GED test . Now I have to wait for the results. I dont think I did very well in math because if my meds. I will just have to see.
I hope everyone has a very happy new year.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Why Worry?

"Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:1 NLT

When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT

I wanted to make worry the main topic of my journal today because I live with extreme worry everyday. It wastes my energy. This is energy that i could use to try to solve the horrible financial problems that I have. Worrying makes me literally physically ill. It drags every bit if energy I have from my body. It makes me depressed with the feeling hopelessness and dread. That isnt living. I need to learn to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done. That is what I have been striving for for many months. Peace.... I just want some peace even if it is only for a brief while.

I prayed this morning to thank God for another day. For another day to make things right. Another chance to reach my goal. He is not responsible for the choices I make. I am. I just ask that he give me the strenghth and the knowledge to make the right choices for my family (kids, pets and everyone)

I feel as every decision lies on my shoulders. I have three kids and 5 animals who rely on the choices I make. am I up to handleing it? I hope so. That is why I pray for strenghth. I want my children to be proud of me. To grow up to adults who dont quit. I dont want them to see me in that depressed state again. I am feeling a bit better. I hope this lasts for awhile. My 16 year old son knows when I get bad. He just takes over the household chores and even cooks for me. I feel sorry for me that he has to do that because his mother gets that depressed but he weathers it like a champ. He is a good kid and I am very proud of him. The one dog we have also knows when i get depressed and weak. He whines and cries and wants to stay with me at all times. It is weird how they pick up on my feelings.

Well this was probably a mistake but there was this aquaintence of mine who had a dog. Well she said she was going to put him to sleep if she didnt find a home for him by the end of the weekend , she was oging to put him down. He is only a 7 month old pit bull mix. He is a sweet and loving dog. Of course i was stupid and although I have severe financial problems , I brought him home. There isnt anything wrong with him, He is a great dog. he didnt deserve to die. I am going to keep him for a week or two to see what his mannerisms are then I am going to try to find him a home. I dont think i will have a problem being that he is so well behaved and plays with the kids. I guess I am just too kind hearted. I think people feed on that all the time. What a push over I am!!!! It is shameful!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on new meds for my depression. I was a biut scared because of the side affects that I had with my other medicines. He said ths one is different. The worst I should get is the shakes and some dizziness until I get used to it. He put me on a very low dose for now and he is going to work myself up. I have been sleeping very well since on the medicine and feeling alot better. It wont change my situation but I am hoping that it will help me deal with it better.

I cant go take my last part of my GED test tomorrow night as I thought I could. My daughter has a Christmas concert and I really need to go to that. I will have to reschedule. I really wanted to get it over with but the concert means alot to her. I have to go.

What really bothers me is that I wont have any presents for the kids. At least not like I wanted to. I wanted to make thier Christmas happy. I am just dissapointed that I cant do more. I got them a couolle of very little things and the Christmas house here in town said they are going to get some things together for us. Bless them. Without them they wouldnt have gotten anything. They are good people there. An older lady runs the program. She is about 88 years old and is such a sweet lady. She tries to help people all she can.Times are hard. Bless her.

My sister used to make all her Christams gifts. They made them much more special. She was really into the Christmas spirit.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Feeling a bit better

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know it must be frustrating to read my entries. Thank you for sticking by me. I am trying to hang in there. To answer a question, she said she filed.I havent seen papaers yet. Trust me I would love to get out of here. But it seems impossible for us to find an apartment that we can afford ir who will rent to us. I dont have an rental references in fact I dont have any references at all.I dont have any friends. I dont know anybody. So this fact makes it impossible. I do feel a bit better though today even though things dont look good for us. I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medicine he thinks will help. He seems to be a very nice man. I think that he may be of help to me. I am also going to go to counciling. I know it will take alot of gas money but I feel i must go. This staying in bed all day has got to stop. I want to start living. I feel trapped here. Maybe that the feeling is just an illusion. I do agree that getting out of here probably is my best bet for my mental health and the future of my family. I hope that it will work out for us. I dont want to lise my children or any thing as a matter of fact. I am going to go lie down for the night. Stay safe everyone. God Bless...
"I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
Philippians 4:13
NLTMan is never so tall as when he kneels before God—never so great as when he humbles himself before God. And the man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.
Louis H. Evans1
Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT

Thursday, December 11, 2008

another day another trouble

I wish that I could write positive things but i dont have anything positive to say today. I am going to lose my home. She has finally filed papers. I have nowhere to go and I am going to lose my children. They are my life. The thought of them being in foster care scares me. They would be so frightened. We are all so close. This has been a nightmare!! I dont know how to handle it anymore. I feel so alone. I am so scared!! I dont think that this is going to end well despite all my efforts. I feel like giving up. I have been such a fighter but i think my fight is gone. I cant express how frightening this is. I know that not many people read my journal anymore. I wouldnt want to read it either. Most of the time it is full of negativity. I wasnt like that always. This just started when my sister passed on a year ago. It has been nothing but trouble ever since then. I wish she was here. She was my rock. I dont know how long i can hang on. If I lose my house and it cause me to lose my children, I dont think I can keep living. How do I acheive a positive attutude amist all this chaos? Thank you all for listening and hanging in there with me and my depressing posts.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Second part of GED test

I went to take my second part of my GED test last night. I dont think I did as good as I would have liked but I know I passed. The essay topic was sports and I know nothing about them. That made writing it extra hard although I think I did ok. Next week I take my final test on math. I am not so confident about that subject. I just hope that I pass. I really need to feel as if I have accomplished something.

My mental state has been somewhat worse. I havent gotten out of bed before 2 pm all week. I feel so worthless. My whole body aches and I am alwasy so very tired. I had to force myself to get up and take a bath today and get online for a bit. I really need a change bu I am not strong enough to make it. I need to move closer into town. I think it would be better for me mentaly and financially. The problem is finding a place to go. I dont have very good credit so finding an apartment is going to be tough. My husband doesnt really make much money but if i lived closer to town, I could work. I think that would be excellent for me. It would make me feel like I am accomplising something plus i would be around other people. I think I need that right now even though I have such bad social anxiety. I am realizing that I need at least one friend to hang out with and talk to.

Getting an apartment would mean renting again for me. I never thought I would have to rent again. I would have to most likely find a home for all my pets. I know that would hurt the kids. I am living here without any heat other than a kerosene heater. I dont like using that heater. I need a change. I feel trapped here. I need to get out of the house that my sister passed away in. I know I can do better for myself.

Another reason why it is hard to leave this trailer is because of all the money that I had put into it. The mortgage holder is not allowing me to sell. I know that she cant legally do that to me but i just dont have any way to fight her on it. She has made it so hard to keep going. I have been paying her what I owe her every month. I am so close to paying this off in full.

I actually was thinking about getting ahold of my old friends who used to live here. They really hurt me by taking off on me withouth letting me know after I gave them a place to stay for so long. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have already forgave them and just want to have my friends back. Am I just asking for punishment? Most likely. They are not very good friends. The husband of the couple wears me out sometimes emotionally just being around him. Has anyone ever met anyone like that?

I dont know when I will post again. Hopefully I can get myself out of bed to post tomorrow. I have an appointment to see a Phychiatrist tomorrow. I hope that he can at least ease the pain. I do believe that in order for me to be happy, I am going to need an enviroment change. I pray that I can find a way to do something soon. I dont know how long I can live like this.

I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday.

Friday, December 5, 2008

At a loss for words

I have been having such a horrible couple days. I have not ben out of bed until 1 sometimes later everyday. In the evenings all I do is lay on the couch. I have been doing alot of crying. I guess my worrying has caught up with me. There isnt much I can do at this time to solve anything going on around me. I just kind of have to try to handle things the best I can. The mortgage holder to our property is giving us so much trouble. We were supposed to have been paid off by June of this year but because of some thinsg my sister has done before her death, we are 8 months behind. She keeps threatening to take the place from me even though I have been paying her every month. I am almost positive that we wil be paid off soon. Apparently she has another buyer for the property and wants to default on my mortgage and sell it right out from under us even though we are so close to paying it off. Of course she wants more money. The worst of it all is that it is a close internet friend who wants to buy pur house from her. It's a very hurtful situation. I have been told to find homes for my pets and find somewhere to go. This hasnt even gottne to court yet. I am not going to ramble about this anymore.
I have been writing more in my notebook journal that I carry around with me alot. I was putting some real uplifting comments and some real interesting thoughts in it but the last coule of days I just cant seem to get my thoughts together.

I found this verse that I thought was uplifting:
"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow—perhaps it all will.""

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyes monster" !

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyed monster". At least for me it is. It brings out the worst in me. This is a part of me that I honestly dislike but cant change. For some people it may be the drive to do better or achieve more. I am ashamed to say for me it just hurts.

I guess I can start with where this topic of thought came from today. I watched "Sex in the City" last night. I was told that it was a good movie. I put it off until yesterday when I saw it at the library. I thought "well it's free to rent so I might as well try it out" I did enjoy watching it for the most part but I wasnt really into the adult parts. That isnt something I really like to see. But it had some humor and some very cute parts. I have to admit that it stirred some uneasy feelings of jealousy in me which I wasnt impressed with. I guess you could say that I was envious of thier ability ot be independent and wealthy on thier own. Also thier ability to be strong women which is something that I feel I am not. But I think the worst of it all was the close friendship they had with each other. I really long for that. I dont have any friends to talk to or express my thought with or to just hang out with and have fun. I relaly dont have anyone. I had that with my sister Melissa so I know what I am missing. I guess that makes it all that much harder. I have this horrible feeling inside of me even today. Why cant I just be happy for what I have? I have wonderful children. I just long for a better life. I life without this run down trailor. A life without the everyday struggle of just keeping the house warm or food on the table. I would lie if I said that part of me longs for the material things like cell phones, lap tops and nice clothes. The last couple of days there has been a new emotion that I have that I am not used to having. I still have those feelings of depression and sadness but on top of that now I have this feeling of frustation. This feeling has been peeking its head through. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I havent made up my mind on that one yet.

I have decided to create a new name for my journal or maybe even start a new one. Since most of my thoughts come from the laundry mat or the bath tub, i decided to make a name that was fitting for that. I thought of the name "private thoughts at tghe laundry mat" but i didnt want people to think it was a adult journal. And anything having anything to do with the bath tub is out of the question. lol I am not going to get frustrated. The name will come to be. Any suggestions? : )

I may want to publish this someday. My problem is that alot of my thoughts come when I am soaking in the bath tub. By the time I get out and dressed, the good, well thought out thoughts are gone. I believe I could make a million dollars if I could get the words written down before they are gone. lol

Tonight is the big GED test. Part of me cant wait until tonight. It is the start of my new life. But part of me doesnt want to go. That part of me is the enemy. That is the self distructive part of me that I have to keep locked away. That part of me will keep me from succeeding in life. The thoughts come pouring in. What if my car goes and I cant get to college? What If i cant come up with the money to go? What is the point? I battle these emotions everyday.
I am going to take some time out tonight after i get home to read some of the journals I follow. I also want to take some time out to redo my whole layout on my journal page. I need to find a picture of myself without my sister. I need to go on with my life and start my new life without her. I know deep down inside she is with me. I miss her.

Thank you for all of your comments on my journal. It relaly helps to know that someone out there is in your corner. Thank you !!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Terrified of everything

I woke up this morning feeling so horrible today. I have such negative thoughts in my head. I dont like it but I cant shake them. Nothing much is going on today. I have laundry to do at the laundry mat. My washer went. It is just one more things in my life that has gone bad. On a positive note it gives me time to write and read and have some peace while I am there doing my wash. I can do whatever I am in the mood to do. I can just stare in space if i choose to.

I am always so afraid of losing everything. I know it is going to happen. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach of impending doom. I know things are going to get worse before they get better.t have to keep my eyes on the future. This is not something that I am used to doing. Lately my eyes have been on the past. Tomorrow night is the big night for me to take my GED. I am going to get there come hell or high water. It is the first and big step towarsd hope for me and my children for the future. I must not fail.I am going to try to hold on to what I can until my life gets better. I must fight. I must keep going.

Some just posted on freecycle (a site that is made to giev away or ask for thisg that people need) that someone needs some things for her/his apartment. She/he was homeless and just had gottne an apartment. She/he has a job but has to give it all towards rent. I have been there. I wish that i could help more but I do have an extra microwave and some odds and ends that I can spare. It is times like this when i wish I could help more. When I am in the position to do more, I am going to.

I just want to get thought the day today. That is all I can ask for today. Like everyday, I miss Melissa. Since her death, I have been afraid(terrified of everything). It is defenetly a disabilty that I have.

I hope everyone has a good day. thank you for listening. ((HUGS))

Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I know that it is late but I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My last couple of days haven't been all that good but I am hanging in there. I am having such a hard time getting over this depression. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. My husband and oldest son did all the cooking. They didnt mind. I think they actually had fun. I cried off and on but i pulled myself together and had dinner with the kids. I defenetly need an enviroment change. I dont know how long I can go living like this. My mortgage holder is really being awful. She said that even though we have been paying on time for the last year, we are still late with the back amount. The poperty should have been paid off in June. She found a buyer and is taking me to court to get me evicted. She is getting twice the amount this property is worth. I have been busting my butt paying this. I have even made a few double payments. We are about four months to go before it is ours. Not anymore. She is taking us to court. I will most likely be homeles by Christmas. I havent given up but it feels hopeless.

My mother and I arent really getting along. She wanted me and the kids to go down there and spend Christmas with them. My husband couldnt come down because of work and he would have to spend Christmas alone. I told her that I couldnt do that to him. I did that last year. I asked her if she wnated to come up here. She said she couldnt leave dad alone for Christmas. MY father has off for Christmas so would be able to come up here but refuses. I was expected to leave my husband alone but she isnt expected to leave her's alone. Anyways. She just said that she wil come after Christmas. That is ok with me but I think she is very upset about this.

Enough of the complaining.. I couldnt go to take my GED on monday night due to some very harsh winter conditions. They rescheduled it for this tuesday night. I am going to pass this and change my life. Thank you all for pulling for me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Stay safe!! HUGS Christine

Monday, November 24, 2008

GED tesd

I know I have not posted in a long while. I have not been mentally well. I have been severely depressed. I have this hopeless feeling. I cant shake it. I didnt want to write n my journal unless I had something upbeat to say. I was so tired of writing nothing but depressing things. I am scheduled to take my GED test tonight. I am so depressed that I had feelings of just not going. What would be the point?? I know that I have to make myself go. Deep inside I know this is the turning point and first step to my new life. I am so tired though. I am so mentally drained. We arent doing so good trying to kep ends meet. We have to heat the house and do our laundry in a laundry matt. My washer just went. When it rains it poors. At the end of december I wont have a car anymore. I need to come up with 315 dollars to get it fixed. I wont be able to do it. It is very hard to keep myself going. I hope I pass this test. I need this upbeat news. Wish me luck!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

sugery : (

When it rains it pours I guess. I went to the obstetrician yesterday and found out that I may need surgery. I was having pain down there all the time almost like having menstrual cramps all month long. And I bleed horribly bad during my period. The doctor checked me out and put me on Naproxen for my pain for now. That medicine makes me so tired. I hate that. Anyway, he said he wants to do an ultrasound next week to make sure I dont have any cysts. After that he wants to schedule me for a D-n-C. Then after that he wants to do something that I have never heard of before. He wants to put me to sleep and put a balloon inside of me and heat it up and burn the lining of my uterus so that I dont bleed anymore. Very bizzarre to me. He wants to do t his because of my bad reaction to medicines. This wont cause any bad side effects. This all doesnt worry me. What worries me is that my mother was diagnosed with Uterine cancer around my age. I am hoping that all the tests come back normal and I dont have anything serious. They took a pap smear and blood to check my blood cell levals to see if I am anemic and thyroid to make sure it is working right(I had lost 10 pounds quickly). He said I was abit dyhadrated and wants me to drink lots of water. (I hate drinking water). I just pray everything turns out ok.

As far as my GED it looks as if i will never get it taken. The program that I was in requires that i have my son join a program called headstart. A case worker would have to come out and see him three times a week for two hours and I owuld have to drive him to town twice a month. The twice a month thing doesnt bother me. Whgat bothers me is the case worker comeing to my house. I really dont want to draw attention to myself because i dont have normal heat right now. I am using a kerosene heater and I dont want them to think t his to be inappropriate and take my children from me. We were given a wood stove but I had gottne it too late in the season. I dont have any wood for it. I dont have a truck to pick up fire wood and didnt have time to cut my own. Another reason is that I have been tryng very hard to get a job. I cant work if I have to be here for the case worker. It is very frustrating. I cant get my GED paid unless i comply to this. I dont understand it but it is what it is.

The eye doctor, I dont want to go there. Boy am i mad!!! I called to get my daughter rechcked for her prescription. They said they cant see her anymore because i was a no show for three appointments. I know that is not true. I know that I did miss one appointment because it was the day after my sister passed away last year. I forgot to cancel the appointment. Who would have remember when they wnet through what I went t hrough the day before? Other than that, I have never been a no show for any appointment!! It is not like me to do that. I always call. As a matter of fact I am very picky. I even come 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I tried to explain to them that they must have made a mistake but she would not listen. Shge was very rude. Being that this is the only place within a 100 miles that takes my insurance, I am going to have to pay for her visit somewhere. There goes my money for my GED!! It never ends for me.

Last but least, my car is running bad. It runs worse now than it did before it went into the mechanic. I dont know what they did but it was something bad. All they did was replace the water pump and the timing belt on my car. They wont relook at it unless i pay for it. UNREAL!! I have to take it back in next month to get the other 315 dollars worth of work to it to get it inspected. I wonder what they will mess up then.

On a brighter note...I have been feeling a little less depressed. My stress level has not changed so I must be dealing with things better. I realluy would like to get a job but I have to be patient. If I get a job now my insurance will drop. I need that to get my surgery done. I just have to take one step at a time. Patience is defenetly not my virtue. lol

I am very sorry that I have not commented on people's journals. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am going to try to sit down for a couple of hours tonight and read and comment on journals. If anyone needs me for anything please feel free to e-mail me I try to check my e-mails everyday. Hugs to everyone.

I am going to try to take it easy today. I have very litle cleaning to do. I think i will read and try to get my mind off of things. I really would like to move closer to town eben if it means renitng again. : ( I hate the thought but going back and forth to town is getting harder and harder to do. If I am in town, the kids can do more after school activities. I think it is for the best. I may try to sell this and get a trailor in the trailor park in town. That way I can keep my pets. : ).. They allow cats and dogs. That would be nice but only a dream. I have actually been dreaming every night about moving. I am always afraid of leaving something special behind. It is a mental problem of mine. My sister was the same way but WORSE. She kept things in boxes and had a whole room full of boxes. Trying to get her to give anything away was impossible,. She would say ,"what if i need it later?? " Of course she never would. I was like that but caught myself and got rid of alot of stuff. I am still trying to find homes for some of my things.

Well I will close this journal entry befor i write a book. Thank you all for being there for me and taking the time to read my journal and comment. I know how hard it is to find time to read journals. Stay safe everyone.....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

very peaceful day

I had a very uneventful day I am please to say. I spent most of the day playing games with my 4 year old. After the older kids got out of school we went to the library to get books. Then we can home and had an odd supper of waffles and bacon. I am just very happy that nothing bad happened or there wasnt any bad news. That was nice for a change. Tomorrow morning I go to a meeting to determine when I take my GED. I will keep everyone posted on how that goes. Thank you all for being there for me... (((HUGS)))

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hanging on with God's help

First of all I want to say thank you for all the comments and suggestions about my daughter and her grades. I am really concerned with it. I want my children to live better than I do. And I know that getting good grades is the beginning of it. Good study habits really are a plus.

I picked my car up from the shop today. I didnt get everything fixed but I had the important things finished. I have 300 more dollars to come up with to get it inspected. It sure is better than having to come up with 800 dollars. The only bill that I am late with now is the electric bill. That company is sure being a pain in the butt. I keep giving them money and they will say everything is ok. A week later I am having to pull some more money together. They know they are getting LIHEAP soon so I dont kow why they are pressuring me. I owe 216 dollars now. Most of it isnt even late. They are just very picky. My other utilities are very lenient and understanding.

Today wasnt a bad day all and all. I was very lazy and bought McDonald's for the kids for supper. I didnt feel like the after dinner mess cleanup. I enjoyed eating out even if it was only McDonalds. It doesnt help my diet any though. : (

My son had his birthday yesterday. He is now 4 years old. The years fly by. I remember when he was first born. He was so tiny. I miss those days except for the four hour feedings. lol.. He didnt get much for his birthday. He got a car and a play cell phone from me . My mother sent him some money and bought him some PUTT PUTT computer games. He loves them. If any body is looking for computer games for toddlers, this is a great game. He never gets bored with them and it makes him think and learn computer skills. It is about a car and his quest to help people find things. There is one from the moon , zoo, circus and goes through. They are really good games.

I am hanging in there. I know things will get better for me someday. I hope things are going well for everyone.


Meeting for GED

I guess I decided to use the GED meeting as a subject line of my journal today because it is the biggest thing in my life right now. It's the only life changing thing going on right now. Lorretta, my case worker for my GED, wants me to come in on Wednesday and sit down and talk to her about taking my GED sooner than planned and closer to where i live. I am all game for that. I just want to get this over with and go on with my next step. My next step will be finding a job and then going to college but not necessarily in that order.

This morning was really cold. I despise cold mornings. I already have a hard time getting out of bed. I really don't have any reason to get out of bed today. How many times can you clean a small trailer? There just isn't anything else for me to do.

My ten year old daughter is failing school. I think part of it has to do with the fact that she just cant sit still or keep organised. I think she is a dreamer. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as you dream when you shouldn't be learning your school work. I have to call the eye doctor today for her. She has now managed to break three eye glasses in the last year. It is getting to be too expensive!! She is something else. You would think my boys would be the destructacons but no it is her. She is hard on her clothes and everything else around her. She broke the zipper on her book bag. I don't have anywhere around here to get her a new one. She is a joy sometimes. My 16 year old son has used the same book bag for two years now. She is definitely a very high maintenance child. But I love her just the same.

Well I am going to go and get a hot bowl of soup and maybe read my book. I have been reading about Mystic places. I love reading about the pyramids and Stonehenge etc... I love reading non fiction books. I am not much reading books that don't have some kind of true information in them. I hope everyone stays warm.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

keeping myself stable

I have been trying to deal with things the best I can. I am trying not to waste my already short life with worry. I have been trying to just raise my kids and keep things afloat. It has been a challenge. But I am doing it.
I have a prayer request. My online friend,Will, is in the hospital with two failed kidney's. He isnt doing very well as of now. His wife, Patty, is a sweet girl. She is not taking it very well. On top of dealing with this, she has young children to take care of. Please take time and say a small prayer. She really needs all the prayer she can get,

As far as the election. I, myself, am republican. But I am mature enough to try to have faith in our government. Maybe Obama will do ok. Maybe he will fix things at least somewhat. He has alot on his plate. I hope he can handle it. I will pray for him that he will make the right decisions for our country. God Bless him.

My case worker(Loretta) at Career Link has found a place where I can take my GED early. I really need to pass this test so that I can take my next step leading my to my new and more stable life. That is all I want for My children and I. Fist things first, Passing that test. Loretta thinks I will ace it. She has more confidence in me than I do.

I am very sorry that I have not been able to comment on everyone's journals. I hope to be able to have five seconds to sit down later with a cup of hot tea and read and comment in journals. I miss everyone alot!! Feel free to e-mail me anytime.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

keep on trucking along

I took my car to the shop today to get it inspected. It is going to cost me 856 dollars. You think that I would just lose it. But surprisingly, i took it ok. Just another page in my life. I have two months to get it done. I have all but 315 dollars of it. This is why I saved money until it really hurt. I dont know what my life brings me. I just have been learning to take it day by day. Things will change someday for me. I know it will. I am still depressed but feeling better. I am not nearly as bad. I always go in cycles with that. It is so hard but i manage to make it. Everytime my children smile or say they love me makes my life worth living. I know I have to keep on going. Life will change for me. I know it will. I know it wont change by itself. I have to make it change. At least I have the chance to change my life for the better. There are people who dont have that chance. I will be ok.. I know I will even though somedays I dont think so.

Tomorrow is trick or treat time. My 10 year old daughter is going to be a witch and my 3 year ols son is going to be a mouse. I bought these costumes over the summer at a yard sale. I paid 1 dollar a piece for them. I am thrifty like that. I am looking forward to getting out of the house and walking around town some. I dont get out much. They will have alot of fun.

well I will close this entry with a joke i thought was funny. Happy trick or treating everyone.

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!' The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

Stay safe everyone!!

Happy halloween

Nothing new has been going on. It has been the same old same old. I had two teeth pulled out yesterday. I am still a bit sore so I have been just laying around a bit. Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween. Here is something funny that someone sent me:

Pumkins gone wild


Monday, October 27, 2008

keeping myself busy

I guess what is really bothering me today is that I really miss my sister. On saturday it was the anniversary of her passing. I am not really taking it all that well. It still seems like a dream to me. It hurts so bad that I can barely breath. She was such a big part of my life. She was the only friend I had. Melissa was the one that I went to when I had a problem . She also came to me. We leaned on each other all the time. She was my rock. Now I feel unstable. I feel like there is a big hole in my life that I just cant fill. I want her back so much. I know she is in a better place but my selfishness just wants her back. She was only 29!! We had so many years to spend with each other. We were robbed of that. I get so angry I made myself get out of bed today. I did some cleaning. I hated every minute of it but I knew i couldnt just lay in bed all day . I had to get up and do something. Yesterday I made myself get out of bed but all I did was lay on the couch. I am having such a hard time getting out of this depression. There is just so much going on in my life right now. Everything is just so out of control. I am alwasy on the verge of losing everything. This takes such a toll on me. I really wish that I could find a good friend to talk to. Soneone to hangout with. Go to lunch with. see a movie with. I have such a hard time making friends. Where would I even begin? I really miss having someone close to me to talk to and spend time with. I really long for a friendship. I just dont know how to get one. I am not exactly and easy person to be friends with. I have the depression and sometimes mood swings. I guess I am going to be alone forever. I would like to find a placein town to live where I can at least keep my cat. I am a big dog person but lately my cat has been a very good friend to me. He has been laying with me alot and following me around. He is my only friend. Silly isnt it? I keep myself going for the kids. They need me. I have given up on being happy for now. Maybe it is beyond my control. Maybe I just need alot more time to get over my loss. I thought that in a year I would feel better. It hurts just as much now as it did when she first left me. I was there when she slipped away. I felt helpless. I yelled her name out when she passed out. I knew she was gone. After the perimedics came and took her to t he hospital. I drove there hoping that she was ok. I knew in my heart that she was gone. After many hours waiting in the hospital for some papers to go through for the organ donation, i went home. I got out of my car and I swear I saw her in t he window of our house standing there. I passed out on the ground. My brother in law had to wake me up and take me in the house. I think to this day they think I am crazy. But I swear I saw her. Well enough of this sadness. i know that I dont have alot of readers because of the way I write. I just write how I feel even if it is sad and depressing. I hope I have better things to write tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Someday this has got to end. My depression cant last forever. I have to find peace someday. It is hard to live in sadness. God Bless

Friday, October 24, 2008

keeping myself going

Hello all. Yesterday my car went. It needs to go to the shop and of course I have no money to do that. My brother in law is driving us around until we get the car fixed. Other than that things have been quiet.
Money is very tight but I am trying very hard to keep things going. I have been trying not to worry as much. I made myself get out of bed at a descent hour today which was a change. I put more wood in the wood stove and did some laundry. My energy is now all spent. I think the anxiety really sucks the energy out of me. I think I am going to try to get out and take the dogs for a walk today. I have been trying to find them good homes. I had to fine homes for two others awhile ago. That was very hard on me and I miss them very much. We used to have five dogs and two cats. My money situation used to be a lot better and we cold handle the care and feeding of them. Now our financial problems are really bad since my husband was laid off from his good job at the light bulb factory. The whole factory shut down and it has been downhill since then. My sister didn't help with her not paying bills like she was supposed to. She has made us so far behind. We have made it the last year since she had passed away trying to catch up and stay current on bills.To top is off I have no heat here but a wood stove that barely works. It has not been easy. We are trying very hard but i feel that we are going down with the ship. It would be cheaper to rent but in order to find help with that, I would have to sell this property. Trust me that is impossible. So here I am trapped.
I decided to say something nice in this journal if it killed me. Something upbeat or positive. I am learning a big lesson from this. I am learning to appreciate what I have. It isn't easy sometimes to feel positive when so many negative things are happening. I know that I am lucky to have a place over my head for now. I am lucky to have such wonderful children who love me and for the most part understand. I am very fortunate to have such good online friend. Maybe if i can get myself to college, I can make some new friends. Who Knows?? I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.
I have decided to try to go see someone about my depression. I don't have much insurance so it will be hard. I will call and see what someone can do for me. It might be good for me. I have to get my car on the road first though. Thank you for all your prayers. I will always keep everyone in my prayers. Stay safe!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

nothing has changed.

I am still trying to shake this depression. I didnt get out of bed until noon. Then all I did was cry for the first two hours of being awake. I know people will sometimes say that am feling sorry for myself or that I just need to shake it off. This is not true. My mind has been more on my children than myself. And as far as shaking it off, it isnt as easy as it sound. My mother quoted a Bible verse and sai to me that my children will suffer for the sins of thier parents. She said that is just how it is. I think it also says that we are supposed to be together as a family. I dont want money from my mom as much as I just want her support and someone to talk to.
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.

I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

sleeping all the time

Thank you all for all you comments on my past post. I have not been doing well. I have been sleeping and crying the last two days.
We have hot water now. Thank goodness for that. Our heater isnt working well though so it has been cold. If it isnt one thing it is another. I have not even wanted to come out of bed. I really dont know what to do. I feel that if I stay in this house I will fail and lose everything. I feel trapped here with nowhere to go. I couldnt go take my GED test n saturday because I didnt have enough money. I am scheduled to take it november 22. It is anyone's guess if I will have teh money then. I am now behind on so many bills because of having to get my car fixed. It is horrible. I dont think things are going to end well for me. I have slipped into such a bad depression. I just dont knoe how to get myself out of it. My head is spinning in a hundred directions and my body hurts so bad. I have been so sick to my stomach.
I miss my sister so much right now. It has been almost a whole year since she has passed away. I am still in so much pain. On the 25 of the month it will beone year since she has past away. I am so lonely without her. I dont really have anyone. I just dont know how long I can go on like this. The last couple of days have been horrible. I am so worried about everything. I dont even know how I am going to feed my family next month.
I went to the Pa Career link yesterday morning. It was the only time I had gotten out of bed in awhile. I went there to apply for a job. The guy who helped me said that I might as well forget about college because I would never be able to afford it.He said that I should just forget about that. My heart just sank. That was the only hop ethat I had to get my children a better life. well I will go for now. I hope everyone is doing well. God Bless

Thursday, October 16, 2008

when it rains it pours.

I still dont have any hot water. The hot water heater i got is not compatible with the trailor. The one we need is 239.00. I dont have that kind of money right now. I dont know when i will have that kind of money. I have a child case worker coming on monday because the doctor thinks me youngest son needs early intervention. The thought of the case worker coming to my house when I dont have hot water is very scarey. I feel like i have let my children down. I cried pretty much all day today off and on. I cant even give my kid's baths right now. I have to just wipe them off with a cold rag. I dont have a working stove right now either to even heat up hot water. This is just a nightmare. I am so tired. I feel like giving up. So much for my good attitude the last couple of weeks. I think my children would be better without me. : (

broke down last night

Last night I just couldnt take it anymore. I was doing so good lately with my attitude but I really think I had a small nervous break down last night. I still dont have hot water. My house looks like a tornado blew through it and i just cleaned it yesterday. I am tired emotionally and worn out physically. I cant sleep at night because of worry. Last night i sat down on the floor in the kitchen and just cried for an hour. My kids saw this and I feel so ashamed of myself. My youngest son came over to me and hugged me and said I love you mommy. My daughter kept asking me if i was ok. If my mother found out about this she will say that I should have never done that in front of my kids. I am not a robot. I have feelings and frustrations. Why cant my children see that?I wasnt screaming or throwing things around. I just queitly cried. I guess I have just had enough. I was even wondering if life was worth living until my little ones came over and gave me a hug. I need to stay here for them. They need me. I am letting them down. No hot water and no security when it comes to our place to live. My mother has offered to take the little two in her home. They would have better lives because my mother has lots of money. They would hurt for nothing. I dont want to split my family up. I would miss my children. They would be five hours away. My mother would never give them back. She did that to my oldest daughter when I was going through a divorce. I didnt have anywhere to go because my husband owned the house we were living in. My mom offered to take my daughter in her home until I had worked things out and found myself somewhere to go. When i did find somewhere to go that was suitbale, she had already went behind my back and had gotten temperary custody and refused to return her to me. Enough complaining. I have to get some cleaning done and heat up some water for a bath which takes forever. God Bless

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

still no hot water

I still dont have any hot water. This has been challenging. You never know what you have taken for granted until it is gone. I am hoping to get it fixed soon but I dont know how long this will take. There is alot of people bretahing down my neck to get bills paid. The electric company, the mortgage holder, phone bill and others. I dont have any credit card debt which is good. I couldnt get a credit card if i tried at this point. I am very frustrated with my life right now. Things were starting to get better and then it took two steps backwards. Well I am going to go for now. I hope everyone is having a great week. Hugs to everyone!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just another day

Boy, when it rains it pours. My hot water tank broke and I had to go out and buy I new one. That hurt me real bad financially. I still dont have hot water. I had to boil water up for the kids bath last night. That took forever. Hopefully it will be up and running tonight. One can only hope.

Because I have to empty my bank account to get a hot water tank, My electric is in danger of being shut off. It is a nightmare. I have to figure out how I am going to pay that and still pay my mortgage.

That is another problem as usual. The morgtage holder is giving me so much problems that it is insane. She keeps on harrassing me and threatening to get me thrown out of here. She makes an arrangement for payments and then changes it in the middle of the month. I really wish that i could get out of here into a new home. I know that is not possible. I feel like a trapped animal right now. I would love to keep my home but it has been too much of a struggle. Because i have pets, it is really hard to find a rental property that will let me take them with me. I may have to find homes for all of them. I would really miss them. : ( It would really break my heart.

My mother is coming up this weekend for a visit. For most people this would be a good thing. Not for me. She tends to be bit a bit mean and judgemental. She has tons of money and doesnt accept the fact that I dont. I live in poverty. I am an embarrassment to her. She can be very harsh with some of the things she says. I dont know if she means the things she says or not. I cant tell but it is hurtful either way.

On a brighter note, I went to my son's football game last night. They won!! He did so good. I was such a proud mother. I heard the people in the stands talking about him. I had tears in my eyes. I dont know why I was so emotional.Well I hope everyone is doing good. I am going to lay down a bit and watch a movie and try to calm down some. Last night I had panic attack after panic attack. I actually thought at one point I was having a heart attack. It was quite a scarey thing to go through.

Monday, October 13, 2008

God Bless the troops

Hello All... I thought I would just spend the day not thinking about my problems and thinking about someone else. I had gotten a e-mail about our troops. I really do appreciate everything that they are doing for this country. God Bless them all. Here is a newspaper article that I thought was heart warming.

This little girl's family were all killed. He is the only one that seems to be able to confort her.

Dear God,

Please be with our troops while they are fighting for our country over in Iraq. Keep them safe and bring the them home safe and sound to thier familes. Thank you for blessing us with these special selfless people.


I hope everyone is having a good week. Stay safe everyone.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

just enjoying my Sunday

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday. I slept in late and intend to spend the day with my kids..My son wants me to play video games with him and read books to him. My daughter wants me to do science projects with her. I guess I will have a very eventful day.

Here is something someone sent me and I thought it was funny.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. '

The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' say s the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My children..God's special gift to me

Countdown: 9 days until I take my GED test

I have always thought my children were the most special people in the world to me. But lately I have been appreciating them more and more. I realize that they are the most precious things in my life. They brighten even the darkest day.

My oldest daughter, Tiffany 19, doesnt call home as much as I would want her to. I really miss talking to her but she has her own life now. I am glad that she is keeping on track and getting her life started the right way. (unlike her mother)

My oldest son, Carl(CJ)16, is a Godsend sometimes when it comes to the younger two. Sometimes he helps me and other times he is just too bullheaded. Most of the time, when I have had just about enough of the little ones for the day, he will step in and help keep them in line. I think he will always look out after them even though he says they get on his nerves. lol

My youngest angel , Emily 10, can be a blessing and a handful. She likes to talk and talk and talk. But when i feel down ,she is the first to try to cheer me up. She is always concerned about everyone in the family. As a matter of fact, she can be a bit obsessive on having to know where everyone is. That tends to drive me insane sometimes. She has Ad/HD and can be a handful.

My youngest son, Daniel, is more like me than any of the other ones. He looks alot like me and he acts like me. He has my stubborness and my temper as well. Everything has to be done right and at that very instance. He tells me everyday many times that he loves me and is defenetly my little cuddle bug. We sat and read at least 6 books last night. It is amazing t hat being a three year old he would sit and listen to every word. I guess I dont have to worry about him having ad/hd.

Everything is ok today. I am having a flair up with my fibromalgyia. It really hurts but i try to keep myself going. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am fighting depression today but I am getting through the day. i didnt get out of bed today until about 11:00. The kids got up and I told them to get cereal and watch cartoons. I just laid undr my warm covers. I didnt want to get up. The kids wre good. My bedroom is right next to the living room so I could hear every word. I felt like a bad mother but i just had no motivation to get out of bed today. I am going to try to take the dogs out for a walk later this evening. I am hoping that will help my depression some.

My husband brought home a black lab puppy the other day. She was free and Emily bugged for her. I thought thsi was insane because i just found a home for two of my dogs due to lack of money. Although our money situation has improved drastically, I didnt want to bring another dog home. My daughter loves her and i just dont have the heart to take her from her. I have been making her take care of her and take responsibility for her care. I take care of her most of the time. She is adorable but alot more work than I had wanted. I told my husband and all my kids not to bring home any other animal. I just dont have the time right now for them. I will take some pictures of my babies as soon as I get the time. I have three dogs and two cats. One cat just wondered up our driveway five years ago and has never left. The other one is our indoor baby.

I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe everyone.

Friday, October 10, 2008

one day at a time

This is my first time posting on blogger so I hope that I do it right.

I have had my good days since i last made an entry and i have had seriously bad days. I have had days where i thought i didnt even want to go on. I will try to talk about the positives in my life first.

Monday I had a very busy day and a strefful one as well. I got up and left my warm bed at 8 in the morning to go to a IEP meeting for my 16 year old son. They wanted to reevulate him for special services because he had voiced an opinion of wanting to go to a four year college upon his gradutation. The teachers all had wonderful things to say about him. He is doing great in all his classes. He is in regular classes with some learning support for his reading. The teachers all told me that every student should be like him. He is motivated and tries hard with everything that he does. He wants to take a career in the vetenarian field. That doesnt shock me because we have always had a small zoo here. The teachers and phychologists were trying to tell me talk him into maybe downsizing his plans to a two year program. I dont want to do that because in my opinion "can't" isnt a word in this family's vocabulary. My son is so bullheaded(which he gets from his mother) that he will succeed in whatever he choices to do. i will support his decisions whatever they might be. I am so very proud of him. My eyes tear up thinking about it. My oldest daughter of 19 is already in her second year of nursing school. I am such a proud mother. Two more kids to get motivated. My 10 year old daughter makes me so frustrated because she fails and I know she can do better. I want to pull my hair out.

Afte the meeting at the school, I had a seminar to go to at the Pa career link where I am getting help with my GED. It was a seminar for parents and budgeting money in this ecomomy the way it is. The case worker, Robin, kind of picked on me for I guess because I was teh only one there who had a plan for my life. She was using me as an example on how i need to save money to meet my goal of nursing school. I was a bit shook up because i have such bad social anxiety but i spoke up anyways and answered her questions. She is going to help me with my FASFA application for financial help when the time comes. I thought that i did well but i did have a panic attack. I had to go home after the seminar and take a ativan and calm down. I am very proud of myself for keeping at this though.

I go to take my GED October 18th of this month. It is about time being that I am 38 years old. Iam tired of living on the edge. I want something better for my family and me. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I am so tired of being on foodstamps and medical. I want/need a change in my life. Living like I have been in not an option anymore. I will do what i have to to accomplish my goal. Firt Passing the GED test. Then I will go to th education council and go form there. Like I said "can't" is not a word for this family.

Now for the pessimistic parts of my life. I dont know what was wrong with me yesterday but I was just so upset. I had feelings of hopelessness. I felt like everything was gong to go wrong. I have a big mental problem that takes so much of my energy to try to beat. I can be very OCD and I am defenetly depressed quite often. I can clean somedays for hours and still the house seems dirty to me. That usually happens when I am under extreme amounts of stress. That was the case yesterday. I cried and I was just horrible to everyone around me. I wasnt abusive just not someone that I would want to be around. The kids behavior is alays worse on days like this too. I dont know why. i guess they feed off of my bad attitude sometimes. That is why I have to be careful. I think alot of my attitude is because my sister died last year on this month. This is going to be a tough month. I miss her so much.

My husband and I arent doing well. I think we are headed for divorce. I dont want it that way but we just dont see things eye to eye anymore. I want to advance and he just sits there. He has not motivation for the future and often when I talk about my golas and plans, he doesnt listen. I try to share what I learned about our spending that i learned at the seminar . he just isnt interested in anything that I say. I even try to ask him what his plans are for the furure. That doesnt work either. (sigh) I guess I have changed and he has stayed the same. This isnt going to work.

Well I am going to close this journal before I write a book. lol..I have so mush to say sometimes that I ramble on. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to visit everyone's journal soon. I just need some quiet time. (sigh) That doesnt happen often. there is always drama in my family.

God Bless and keep everyone safe

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Clem's last day as a carpenter lol

I hope everyone is hanging in there with the journal situation. I am not sure if I am going to continue to journal or not. Maybe I am taking too much time on the computer anyways. If i decide to go to the other site, I will post my link before the end. Good luck everyone and stay safe



Thursday, October 2, 2008

just for fun

I will miss AOL journals. It has been a big part of my life for the last couple of years. I will try the new blogger site. I already started but didnt like it much. I will give it a try though. As soon as I get things set up. I will post my address there.


I can't respond to any emails today, something has crashed on my computer.

and my mouse is missing ..... : )

Have a great day everyone!! ((HUGS))

Thursday, September 25, 2008

noone said life was easy

I have spent the last couple of days very sick. I have a 101.5 fever most of the day yesterday. I hurt all over. I ended up getting what the kids had. Cant say they don't share. lol... This was one nasty virus. I am still sick. The kids got over it alot easier than me. I feel old..

I am trying so hard to keep a good attitude. Everyday it is something new going on. I am so afraid to be comfortable in my house because I am afraid that i will lose it. I will be more broken hearted if i was comfortable here. I am always afraid to be happy in fear that it will be all taken from me. Now I have a new worry. Apparently my sister had alot of unpaid debts. They are saying that they can take my house away from me. I was told because the trailers were in my mane as well that it cant go into probate so there is nothing to worry about. This did not come from a lawyer so I have no clue what they can or can not do. I am so tired of everything. I have no where to go if I lose this house. This has been a never ending struggle. We have put so much money in this house the last few months trying to catch up on mortgage and get things on track. As soon as I feel relieved that things are under control, everything flies out of have again. I fight depression as it is so things have been really challenging. I have been trying to keep my chin up even though things keep going wrong. I know some people have it way worse than me. I should be thankful for what i do have.

My 10 year old daughter had received a paper from school saying that her grades are failing. She keeps failing to finish assignments. She is not very organized. My 16 year old son just received a detention for acting up in class. I tried to talk to him and he said that he just doesn't care. He said that i should stick up for him and that he didn't do it. I have a hard time believing him. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have been so rapped up in trying to hold on to this house that I have ignored the needs of my children. This has been a rough ride. I just want my children to have a roof over their heads. This has been a fight in itself.

I need peace. I have been trying to hard to find it. I have been unsuccessful. I have been told that if i was a true Christian that I would have peace in my life no matter what. What I am doing wrong?? I just cant seem to find it. Is it out of my reach?? What is my purpose in life?? These are questions I ask myself all the time.

I can do this. I can hold this together. I need to stop worrying. Easier said then done but i will give it my best. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.

Blessings to all


Monday, September 22, 2008


I thought this was cute so i thought i would share it with everyone. Everyone needs a laugh.

Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom-broom.

The bride-broom looked very  beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom  was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The  wedding was lovely.

After the wedding,  at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned  over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am  going to have a little whisk broom!'  

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.  

Are  you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this  is going to hurt






I am really tired today. My youngest son, Daniel, had a fever yesterday of 102.5. I gave him Tylenol and in about an hour it went down to 101.5. I keep checking it off and on and it stayed about the same. Then in the evening it spiked back up to 102.5. I called the doctor and she said just give him Tylenol and make sure he drinks alot. She said to call her if it went up any higher. Of course being that he was sick, he wanted to cling to me and noone else. I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry. He kept saying that it hurt. He was pointing to all over his body so I figured it was the aching from the fever. This morning he woke up and he is down to 99.7. I took it again a little while ago and it is still low. He is sleeping now and I figure he will sleep alot today. I am not used to it being so quiet during the day. The other two are at school. We were all sick here but none of us had a fever of any kind. I dont know exactly what he has.

I woke up this morning. My joints hurt me so bad. I have been tryingo to get some housework finished while my son is sleeping. When he wakes up , I wont be able to get anything finished. He was saying all day yesterday " I love you mommy" over and over again all day. He is such a sweet little boy. I hope he feels better later today. I hate to see my babies sick.

Here are some pictures from over the summer.

my daughter Emily and my son Daniel

Daniel playing on the slip and slide at my mother's house downstate

Daniel and Emily when we went to knoebles in Danville, Pa. My mother took us on the way to her house to visit.

My oldest daughter Tiffany and Daniel

my angel sleeping

Emily on the slip and slide

my oldest son , Carl (CJ) and Emily getting ready to ride a ride

My three babies : )

Daniel and Tiffany

Tiffany and Emily riding the log flume ride

My three brats lol

The tea cup ride . Emily might look calm now but she screamed alot lol

That is my family. I dont have many pictures on the computer. Tiffany sent those to me. I hope everyone has a great monday.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

God created children

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To those of us who have children in our lives, 
whether they are our own,
 nephews or students... 
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that 
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, 
God created Adam and Eve. 

And the first thing he said was

' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? ' 
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' 
God said.

'Forbidden fruit
We have forbidden fruit
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit
 ! ' 

' No Way ! ' 
'Yes way

'Do NOT eat the fruit 
! ' 
said God. 

'Why ? ' 

'Because I am your Father and I said so
 ! ' 
God replied, 
wondering why He hadn't stopped 
creation after making the elephants 

A few minutes later,

God saw His children having an apple break 
and He was ticked
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit
God asked.

'Uh huh,' 
Adam replied.

'Then why did you
said the Father.

'I don't know,' 
said Eve. 
'She started it
Adam said.

'Did not
 ! ' 
'Did too
 ! ' 
 ! ' 

Having had it with the two of them, 
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve 
should have children of their own. 
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, 
don't be hard on yourself. 

If God had trouble raising children, 
what makes you think it would be 
a piece of cake for you 


1. You spend the first two years of their life 
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend 
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward 
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why 
some animals eat their young. 

4. Children seldom misquote you. 
In fact, 
they usually repeat word for word 
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties 
is to remind yourself that there are children 
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, 
but they are still getting in. 


Be nice to your kids. 
They will choose your 
nursing home one day




Have a great Sunday!!