Wednesday, December 31, 2008

wrong diagnoses

I dont have much time to write but I wanted to let everyone know that it was a wrong diagnoses. They did an echocardiogram and it came out normal. They xrays showed the heart a bit large but the echo is a better test. I have normal blood pressure. I have never had high blood pressure so I was very surprised. They are doing a stress test to make sure everything is ok. Thank you for commenting.
Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Long time no write

It has been awhile since i sat down to type in my journal. The medicne the doctor put me on makes it very hard to concentrate.I am going to tell the doctor because i like to write in my journal as well as read. It has been hard to do either. I have been hanging in there. My Christmas was ok. I have been going through alot of side affects from the medicine. I have had mood swings and jerky muscles. I spent a quiet Christmas at home just with the kids and husband. It was very nice. This will be the first Christmas ever that I have spent at home.
My mother came up the day after. We actually had a good time. We did not fight at all. We went shopping and out to eat.
I did have some bad news though. I was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. I dont know sure what this means for me but it doesnt sound good. he doctor didnt have a very serious conversation with me. I thought I should have been referred to a specialist. That is just me. Just one more thing to worry about.
Well i finished my GED test . Now I have to wait for the results. I dont think I did very well in math because if my meds. I will just have to see.
I hope everyone has a very happy new year.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Why Worry?

"Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 136:1 NLT

When the Holy Spirit controls your life, he will produce this kind of fruit in us:…kindness, goodness.
Galatians 5:22 NLT

I wanted to make worry the main topic of my journal today because I live with extreme worry everyday. It wastes my energy. This is energy that i could use to try to solve the horrible financial problems that I have. Worrying makes me literally physically ill. It drags every bit if energy I have from my body. It makes me depressed with the feeling hopelessness and dread. That isnt living. I need to learn to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done. That is what I have been striving for for many months. Peace.... I just want some peace even if it is only for a brief while.

I prayed this morning to thank God for another day. For another day to make things right. Another chance to reach my goal. He is not responsible for the choices I make. I am. I just ask that he give me the strenghth and the knowledge to make the right choices for my family (kids, pets and everyone)

I feel as every decision lies on my shoulders. I have three kids and 5 animals who rely on the choices I make. am I up to handleing it? I hope so. That is why I pray for strenghth. I want my children to be proud of me. To grow up to adults who dont quit. I dont want them to see me in that depressed state again. I am feeling a bit better. I hope this lasts for awhile. My 16 year old son knows when I get bad. He just takes over the household chores and even cooks for me. I feel sorry for me that he has to do that because his mother gets that depressed but he weathers it like a champ. He is a good kid and I am very proud of him. The one dog we have also knows when i get depressed and weak. He whines and cries and wants to stay with me at all times. It is weird how they pick up on my feelings.

Well this was probably a mistake but there was this aquaintence of mine who had a dog. Well she said she was going to put him to sleep if she didnt find a home for him by the end of the weekend , she was oging to put him down. He is only a 7 month old pit bull mix. He is a sweet and loving dog. Of course i was stupid and although I have severe financial problems , I brought him home. There isnt anything wrong with him, He is a great dog. he didnt deserve to die. I am going to keep him for a week or two to see what his mannerisms are then I am going to try to find him a home. I dont think i will have a problem being that he is so well behaved and plays with the kids. I guess I am just too kind hearted. I think people feed on that all the time. What a push over I am!!!! It is shameful!!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he put me on new meds for my depression. I was a biut scared because of the side affects that I had with my other medicines. He said ths one is different. The worst I should get is the shakes and some dizziness until I get used to it. He put me on a very low dose for now and he is going to work myself up. I have been sleeping very well since on the medicine and feeling alot better. It wont change my situation but I am hoping that it will help me deal with it better.

I cant go take my last part of my GED test tomorrow night as I thought I could. My daughter has a Christmas concert and I really need to go to that. I will have to reschedule. I really wanted to get it over with but the concert means alot to her. I have to go.

What really bothers me is that I wont have any presents for the kids. At least not like I wanted to. I wanted to make thier Christmas happy. I am just dissapointed that I cant do more. I got them a couolle of very little things and the Christmas house here in town said they are going to get some things together for us. Bless them. Without them they wouldnt have gotten anything. They are good people there. An older lady runs the program. She is about 88 years old and is such a sweet lady. She tries to help people all she can.Times are hard. Bless her.

My sister used to make all her Christams gifts. They made them much more special. She was really into the Christmas spirit.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Feeling a bit better

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know it must be frustrating to read my entries. Thank you for sticking by me. I am trying to hang in there. To answer a question, she said she filed.I havent seen papaers yet. Trust me I would love to get out of here. But it seems impossible for us to find an apartment that we can afford ir who will rent to us. I dont have an rental references in fact I dont have any references at all.I dont have any friends. I dont know anybody. So this fact makes it impossible. I do feel a bit better though today even though things dont look good for us. I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medicine he thinks will help. He seems to be a very nice man. I think that he may be of help to me. I am also going to go to counciling. I know it will take alot of gas money but I feel i must go. This staying in bed all day has got to stop. I want to start living. I feel trapped here. Maybe that the feeling is just an illusion. I do agree that getting out of here probably is my best bet for my mental health and the future of my family. I hope that it will work out for us. I dont want to lise my children or any thing as a matter of fact. I am going to go lie down for the night. Stay safe everyone. God Bless...
"I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
Philippians 4:13
NLTMan is never so tall as when he kneels before God—never so great as when he humbles himself before God. And the man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.
Louis H. Evans1
Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT

Thursday, December 11, 2008

another day another trouble

I wish that I could write positive things but i dont have anything positive to say today. I am going to lose my home. She has finally filed papers. I have nowhere to go and I am going to lose my children. They are my life. The thought of them being in foster care scares me. They would be so frightened. We are all so close. This has been a nightmare!! I dont know how to handle it anymore. I feel so alone. I am so scared!! I dont think that this is going to end well despite all my efforts. I feel like giving up. I have been such a fighter but i think my fight is gone. I cant express how frightening this is. I know that not many people read my journal anymore. I wouldnt want to read it either. Most of the time it is full of negativity. I wasnt like that always. This just started when my sister passed on a year ago. It has been nothing but trouble ever since then. I wish she was here. She was my rock. I dont know how long i can hang on. If I lose my house and it cause me to lose my children, I dont think I can keep living. How do I acheive a positive attutude amist all this chaos? Thank you all for listening and hanging in there with me and my depressing posts.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Second part of GED test

I went to take my second part of my GED test last night. I dont think I did as good as I would have liked but I know I passed. The essay topic was sports and I know nothing about them. That made writing it extra hard although I think I did ok. Next week I take my final test on math. I am not so confident about that subject. I just hope that I pass. I really need to feel as if I have accomplished something.

My mental state has been somewhat worse. I havent gotten out of bed before 2 pm all week. I feel so worthless. My whole body aches and I am alwasy so very tired. I had to force myself to get up and take a bath today and get online for a bit. I really need a change bu I am not strong enough to make it. I need to move closer into town. I think it would be better for me mentaly and financially. The problem is finding a place to go. I dont have very good credit so finding an apartment is going to be tough. My husband doesnt really make much money but if i lived closer to town, I could work. I think that would be excellent for me. It would make me feel like I am accomplising something plus i would be around other people. I think I need that right now even though I have such bad social anxiety. I am realizing that I need at least one friend to hang out with and talk to.

Getting an apartment would mean renting again for me. I never thought I would have to rent again. I would have to most likely find a home for all my pets. I know that would hurt the kids. I am living here without any heat other than a kerosene heater. I dont like using that heater. I need a change. I feel trapped here. I need to get out of the house that my sister passed away in. I know I can do better for myself.

Another reason why it is hard to leave this trailer is because of all the money that I had put into it. The mortgage holder is not allowing me to sell. I know that she cant legally do that to me but i just dont have any way to fight her on it. She has made it so hard to keep going. I have been paying her what I owe her every month. I am so close to paying this off in full.

I actually was thinking about getting ahold of my old friends who used to live here. They really hurt me by taking off on me withouth letting me know after I gave them a place to stay for so long. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have already forgave them and just want to have my friends back. Am I just asking for punishment? Most likely. They are not very good friends. The husband of the couple wears me out sometimes emotionally just being around him. Has anyone ever met anyone like that?

I dont know when I will post again. Hopefully I can get myself out of bed to post tomorrow. I have an appointment to see a Phychiatrist tomorrow. I hope that he can at least ease the pain. I do believe that in order for me to be happy, I am going to need an enviroment change. I pray that I can find a way to do something soon. I dont know how long I can live like this.

I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday.

Friday, December 5, 2008

At a loss for words

I have been having such a horrible couple days. I have not ben out of bed until 1 sometimes later everyday. In the evenings all I do is lay on the couch. I have been doing alot of crying. I guess my worrying has caught up with me. There isnt much I can do at this time to solve anything going on around me. I just kind of have to try to handle things the best I can. The mortgage holder to our property is giving us so much trouble. We were supposed to have been paid off by June of this year but because of some thinsg my sister has done before her death, we are 8 months behind. She keeps threatening to take the place from me even though I have been paying her every month. I am almost positive that we wil be paid off soon. Apparently she has another buyer for the property and wants to default on my mortgage and sell it right out from under us even though we are so close to paying it off. Of course she wants more money. The worst of it all is that it is a close internet friend who wants to buy pur house from her. It's a very hurtful situation. I have been told to find homes for my pets and find somewhere to go. This hasnt even gottne to court yet. I am not going to ramble about this anymore.
I have been writing more in my notebook journal that I carry around with me alot. I was putting some real uplifting comments and some real interesting thoughts in it but the last coule of days I just cant seem to get my thoughts together.

I found this verse that I thought was uplifting:
"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow—perhaps it all will.""

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyes monster" !

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyed monster". At least for me it is. It brings out the worst in me. This is a part of me that I honestly dislike but cant change. For some people it may be the drive to do better or achieve more. I am ashamed to say for me it just hurts.

I guess I can start with where this topic of thought came from today. I watched "Sex in the City" last night. I was told that it was a good movie. I put it off until yesterday when I saw it at the library. I thought "well it's free to rent so I might as well try it out" I did enjoy watching it for the most part but I wasnt really into the adult parts. That isnt something I really like to see. But it had some humor and some very cute parts. I have to admit that it stirred some uneasy feelings of jealousy in me which I wasnt impressed with. I guess you could say that I was envious of thier ability ot be independent and wealthy on thier own. Also thier ability to be strong women which is something that I feel I am not. But I think the worst of it all was the close friendship they had with each other. I really long for that. I dont have any friends to talk to or express my thought with or to just hang out with and have fun. I relaly dont have anyone. I had that with my sister Melissa so I know what I am missing. I guess that makes it all that much harder. I have this horrible feeling inside of me even today. Why cant I just be happy for what I have? I have wonderful children. I just long for a better life. I life without this run down trailor. A life without the everyday struggle of just keeping the house warm or food on the table. I would lie if I said that part of me longs for the material things like cell phones, lap tops and nice clothes. The last couple of days there has been a new emotion that I have that I am not used to having. I still have those feelings of depression and sadness but on top of that now I have this feeling of frustation. This feeling has been peeking its head through. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I havent made up my mind on that one yet.

I have decided to create a new name for my journal or maybe even start a new one. Since most of my thoughts come from the laundry mat or the bath tub, i decided to make a name that was fitting for that. I thought of the name "private thoughts at tghe laundry mat" but i didnt want people to think it was a adult journal. And anything having anything to do with the bath tub is out of the question. lol I am not going to get frustrated. The name will come to be. Any suggestions? : )

I may want to publish this someday. My problem is that alot of my thoughts come when I am soaking in the bath tub. By the time I get out and dressed, the good, well thought out thoughts are gone. I believe I could make a million dollars if I could get the words written down before they are gone. lol

Tonight is the big GED test. Part of me cant wait until tonight. It is the start of my new life. But part of me doesnt want to go. That part of me is the enemy. That is the self distructive part of me that I have to keep locked away. That part of me will keep me from succeeding in life. The thoughts come pouring in. What if my car goes and I cant get to college? What If i cant come up with the money to go? What is the point? I battle these emotions everyday.
I am going to take some time out tonight after i get home to read some of the journals I follow. I also want to take some time out to redo my whole layout on my journal page. I need to find a picture of myself without my sister. I need to go on with my life and start my new life without her. I know deep down inside she is with me. I miss her.

Thank you for all of your comments on my journal. It relaly helps to know that someone out there is in your corner. Thank you !!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Terrified of everything

I woke up this morning feeling so horrible today. I have such negative thoughts in my head. I dont like it but I cant shake them. Nothing much is going on today. I have laundry to do at the laundry mat. My washer went. It is just one more things in my life that has gone bad. On a positive note it gives me time to write and read and have some peace while I am there doing my wash. I can do whatever I am in the mood to do. I can just stare in space if i choose to.

I am always so afraid of losing everything. I know it is going to happen. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach of impending doom. I know things are going to get worse before they get better.t have to keep my eyes on the future. This is not something that I am used to doing. Lately my eyes have been on the past. Tomorrow night is the big night for me to take my GED. I am going to get there come hell or high water. It is the first and big step towarsd hope for me and my children for the future. I must not fail.I am going to try to hold on to what I can until my life gets better. I must fight. I must keep going.

Some just posted on freecycle (a site that is made to giev away or ask for thisg that people need) that someone needs some things for her/his apartment. She/he was homeless and just had gottne an apartment. She/he has a job but has to give it all towards rent. I have been there. I wish that i could help more but I do have an extra microwave and some odds and ends that I can spare. It is times like this when i wish I could help more. When I am in the position to do more, I am going to.

I just want to get thought the day today. That is all I can ask for today. Like everyday, I miss Melissa. Since her death, I have been afraid(terrified of everything). It is defenetly a disabilty that I have.

I hope everyone has a good day. thank you for listening. ((HUGS))