Monday, December 1, 2008

Terrified of everything

I woke up this morning feeling so horrible today. I have such negative thoughts in my head. I dont like it but I cant shake them. Nothing much is going on today. I have laundry to do at the laundry mat. My washer went. It is just one more things in my life that has gone bad. On a positive note it gives me time to write and read and have some peace while I am there doing my wash. I can do whatever I am in the mood to do. I can just stare in space if i choose to.

I am always so afraid of losing everything. I know it is going to happen. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach of impending doom. I know things are going to get worse before they get better.t have to keep my eyes on the future. This is not something that I am used to doing. Lately my eyes have been on the past. Tomorrow night is the big night for me to take my GED. I am going to get there come hell or high water. It is the first and big step towarsd hope for me and my children for the future. I must not fail.I am going to try to hold on to what I can until my life gets better. I must fight. I must keep going.

Some just posted on freecycle (a site that is made to giev away or ask for thisg that people need) that someone needs some things for her/his apartment. She/he was homeless and just had gottne an apartment. She/he has a job but has to give it all towards rent. I have been there. I wish that i could help more but I do have an extra microwave and some odds and ends that I can spare. It is times like this when i wish I could help more. When I am in the position to do more, I am going to.

I just want to get thought the day today. That is all I can ask for today. Like everyday, I miss Melissa. Since her death, I have been afraid(terrified of everything). It is defenetly a disabilty that I have.

I hope everyone has a good day. thank you for listening. ((HUGS))


Nancy said...

Sometimes I will start to worry about things I cant control too. The trick is to distract yourself, just find something to do that you need your brain for and stop your negative thoughts in mid air. When I was sick I remember I couldnt have silence around me at ALL. I had to have TV or radio blaring, even going to sleep because I COULD not be alone with my thoughts, for about two years. I had to have something else going on because being alone with my thoughts could turn scary. So, thats what I did, i had tv and radio on all the time, if I started to think of terrible things I would read, or paint a canvas. I fixed up a table that needed to be finished and started writing many novels. I also recall trying to teach myself handwriting analysis....ha ha Well it was interesting and now I can look at anyones handwriting and know a few little things about them! He he It was just to distract myself from my life which was precarious to say the least (I had blood clots in my lungs and it took a year on blood thinners before I could breathe right again. Every night I was afraid I was about to die.) I still sometimes have a few frightening thoughts, but I distract myself IMMEDIATELY and it helps.
Good luck with your GED!

Celeste said...

Good Luck!!!! I just know you will pass it. There are times I miss going to the laundry mat. It used to be my time.

Linda's World said...

Christine, In regards to your fears....remember your a child of the King. "Cast all your cares on Him, for He careth for you." Linda in Washington

Monica said...

I've had to find ways to quiet my fears, usually a distraction worked for me like taking a walk with the children who would often talk up a storm and totally distract my thoughts.

I wish you the very best on the GED tonight. Keeping you in my prayers.