Sunday, August 31, 2008

dont know what to say anymore

I just dont know what to say anymore. I woke up crying again today. I have been crying off and on all day. I have gotten rid of some of my things knowing that I am going to have to leave this house eventually. She keeps calling me up changing what she wants knowing  that we cant do anything about it. We only owe 6,000 left on this house and we cant even keep it. It breaks my heart. We have dumped over 10,000 into repairs alone in the last 5 years we have owned it. When she sold it to us she said that everything in the house worked. When we first moved here we had no water, and some of the electric didn't work in the house. Both trailers were supposed to be functional but they ended up not working. I begged my sister to take her to legal aide. We had already dumped 15,000 of our money combined on a down payment. This property is only worth 14,999. She has gotten over twice of what it is worth. She knew the house was like this when she sold it to us. She didn't care and lied to us. Because the electric was not hooked up , we were unaware of the things not working. What a surprise when we move up here and the water doesn't work!! We had to ;ay someone to come in and put a new pump in and a pressure tank. We also had to have an electrician to come in and fix the wiring. My sister refused to do anything about it. my sister said she would handle it. Melissa ,my sister, never did. I love my sister and miss her terribly. But I am so angry at her as well. It is really hard to be angry with someone who has passed away and who you love with all your heart. How dare that lady sit and make things harder with lies about us not paying. We have paid every month. I was told because of it being owner financed she can make us leave anytime she wants giving us only 30 days. I am getting prepared now. I am packing some things up that mean alot to me and I am calling storage. AS far as a place to live I will have to check into shelters when and if the time comes. I dont know what else to do at this point. It feel uncomfortable living in  this house knowing it could be taken away from me at any time. I feel like I dont have a home. I hope things will get better for my family. I think we have suffered enough and deserve at least a small break.

Last night I prayed and I talked to my grandma. For about a half an hour I felt peace of mind. It felt very good to feel that. I felt as if my grandma was with me. I don't know how long I can take this. I have tried very hard to keep a good attitude but it is failing. Thank you for all your prayers.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I will definitely take it. Hugs to all!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

slow day

I woke up crying this morning. I cried off and on all day. I just needed to let things out. I am so scared about everything. I will be ok. I always get that second wind. That is what I am waiting for now.

I found a wonderful home for one of my dogs, Titus. Their dog of 11 years just passed away with cancer. The kids were so excited to see him. Titas got right into the van with them and they were all over him. He looked so happy. Titas looked back at me from inside of the van to say goodbye and that he was ok where he was going. I said good bye and cried all the way home. I have to do this three more times. I have found a home for one of my cats. I have two to go. This has been so hard. They are all like family to me. I pray that Titas will be happy where he is. I loved him so much but know he is better off.

I am saying a prayer for the mortgage holder of the property. From what I gather she is having a very hard time at life. I hope things get better for her. She is in alot of pain from the cancer. I do hope she gets better. I cant hold a grudge against her. If she kicks us out , it will be devastating but we will go into out new life somewhere else. I am going to call legal aide on tuesday to see what can be done. Maybe nothing but I will check it out anyways. She may keep doing this to me and doubel payments just isnt going to work for me. I have bills to pay. This month I cant pay any because of her wanting an late payment that doesnt exist. I have back taxes to pay as well. She is asking way too much but i will take it with a smile i guess.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Linda from "Linda's world". She has done something very thoughtful and kind for me. She is a very special friend. This award is for you Linda. Thank you for making my day brighter.

I will say a prayer for everyone. I hope everyone has a safe labor day weekend.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Poem from my grandmother

I know I posted this before but I wanted to post it again. This is a poem that my grandmother had written before she passed away a few months ago. It related to my situation. My cousin sent it to me by e-mail without knowing that I was having so much problems. My grandmother wanted to let me know that i should hold on. I love her and miss her so much.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high, 
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, 
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns, 
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow, 
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit. 
 
 

Insane woman

This is totally insane. This is outragous. Something is defenetly wrong with this woman. No the holder of the mortgage(Ruth) now called me up to talk to me again. She said everything is ok and i just needed to pay a double payment to catch up. I am not late a payment but I left it go. She contradicted everything she said earlier and she talked to me like a human. I just dont understand. I will say a prayer for her because i think she is bitter and lonely. She has lung cancer and just had surgery. It is no reason to take it out on me but I will forgive her because i know she must be in pain. Thank you for all your prayers. They must have worked. Everything is stable for now. Thank you for being there for as always. I am sorry that I have not been commenting on journals. My life has been hectic and sometimes scarey. I hope I will have better things to report on later.

I do however have something to share. I have an appointment on wednesday to see a lady about my GED. She is a sweet lady named Loretta. She said that I should be able to take the test right away and she is going to help me get into a school. She siad that I can t ake some of the courses online and the others she will help with transportation. I hope this works out for me. I need a boost on my self confidence. I want to make a better life for my children.

I will keep in touch and let everyone know what is going on with everything. Thank you all. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Happy Labor day weekend!!!!

losing my home

I don't know what to do anymore. The lady who owner finances to us has stated that she wants us out by the end of next month. She said that once the end of the mont comes she is going to call Children services to let them know that we are homeless.. She is horrible. She just found out she has cancer and she is taking it out on me. She called me all kinds of names and said to get out of her F&*$$#g house. I have nowhere to go. I am going to lose my children. She has been getting her money every month for the last 8 months. She is trying to say it isnt true. I have checks to prove it. I have been trying so hard.It just isnt good enough. I feel like i want to die. Nothing I do seems to be good enough. Child services called me and left a message because she called them to let them know we dont have heat. We have been rearranging things so that we have heat. I just wanted to get on here to let everyone know what is going on. Please pray for my family. I dont usually ask for prayers for myself. But I am falling apart. Right now I feel like I am going to throw up and pass out. I dont know what to do anymore. This lady doesnt know what she is talking about. Yes we have been far behind but like I said , we have been paying full mortgage every month for the last 8 months. I dont have anywhere to go. The people who used to live here who messed me over, called her up and complained about us to her. He also called child services. This is the same guy who i gave a car to and who moved out of the house to live in the woods. The same guy who messed me over with rent. I will try to keep in touch with eveyrone. Right now i just want to go to bed and take my medicine and sleep. Thank you for everything... You all have been wonderful friends.

God Bless..Goodbye friends

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

very tired

I just got up about an hour ago. I feel so lazy but being on this medicine makes me so very tired. I dont think that I got the job. : ( That really depressed me alot. I will keep looking. Somewhere there is a job for me. I was relaly looking forard to working again though. This is the secind job that I thought I had but really didnt.

We are in the process of moving into the other trailor that my sister lived in. It has a woodstove and our heater broke over here. It is much smaller but it will have to do until we can fix things over here. Even though it is just moving across an addition, I am stil tired from doing it yesterday. My hip keeps giving in on me. What else could go wrong? I am afraid to even ask that question.

We still havent found a home for the dogs. People just keep calling and not showing up. It is insane. He is a great dog so I dont understand. We are giving it until next week and then we are taking them to the pound. : ( We dont want to do it but we really cant keep up with the food. Plus we are moving into  that tiney trailor . We will be lucky to be able to keep even one dog. It is really tiny. I will post pics later when we are all done moving in. It is a very cute trailor though. Well I am going to go and attempt (attempt is the word) to get thinsg accomplished. Is anyone esle tired like me right now? Maybe it is the changing of the seasons. It cant make up its mind whether it is going to warm or cold up here in the mountains.

Just trying to hang on to summer ...God Bless.... you are all in my prayers!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

What keeps me going?

What keeps me going? A J-land friend of mine had compared herself to the pink bunny who kept going and going. I liked that comparison. I am like that as well. I dont know how I do it sometimes. This morning after i had wrote in my journal the first time, I laid down for awhile and I feel asleep. I didnt get up until 12:00 noon. I was so mad aty myself. Right now I am fighting to go back to bed because it is very cool outside. I feel like rolling up in my blankets and sleeping. When I woke back up my hip hurt so bad and froze up. It took me 15 minutes to get out of bed. The dogs were just looking at me like "come on mom we have to go to the bathroom" That was awful. Tht has happened to me before a few times.

What keeps me going? My kids and my pets. I know that no matter how bad my day is or how bad things are in general, they rely on me to keep going. I may not have money and things to give them but I do show them that thier mother isnt a quitter. I may have my days where i lay in bed and cry. I may have my days where i feel like things are hopeless but i pull myself out of it and keep going.

What keeps me going? I know that somehow I have managed to get myself through things that at the time i thought was impossible. This situation will be no different than before. It will only make me stronger. Today I feel strong. Tomrrow I might feel weak. But when push comes to shove, I will make it through.

What keeps me going? Knowing that God is with me through the good and the bad. He will give me strenghth when i need it. He will help me to accomplish what I need to accomplish for my family. I know he will be there with me when I make a good decision or a mistake. He will help me to bring out the best in me in the worst times. I came accross this Bible verses that inspired me to write this. I havent written so clearly in a long time. I read this over and asked myself, "dd i actually write this?" This is the first time i have thought clearly about my life in a long time. I dont know how long it will last but I thank God for the time i have.

Your words are what sustain me. They bring me great joy and are my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God Almighty.

Jeremiah 15:16 NLT

I will write down these things as a testimony of what the Lord will do. I will entrust it to my disciples, who will pass it down to future generations.
Isaiah 8:16 NLT

For I have stayed in God's paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from his commands but have treasured his word in my heart.
Job 23:11-12 NLT

What keeps you going?

 

first day of school

Boy am I tired!! Today is the first day back for the kids at school. It was an early morning at 6:15. I wanted to turn the alarm back and stay in bed. I took my dogs out and then got the kids ready for school. I looked like a zombie. My 10 year old daughter Emily popped right out of bed so excited about school. This wont last long!! lol Although i hope so. Maybe she will get a good teacher and stay excited about school all year. Hopefully. My 15 year old son Carl is alwasy excited about school. I hope this helps his mood some.

While i was up, I took the time to read some of the journals and comment on some. Please dont think I am ignoring anyone's journal. I just have been so busy and depressed. When I get depressed I just cant keep my mind straight enough to type anything. I was reading alot for awhile and then I just couldnt conscentrate so I have been taking a break from books the last couple of days. I was reading a book a day. my mind was like a sponge. Now it feels as soggy as one lol

I am trying so hard to keep a good attitude but sometimes i just cry. When things go real bad i miss my sister so much. She was everything to me. October will be a hard month for me. She passed away before my eyes on October 25th. I am not looking forward to that day. But I will get through it. Maybe I will do something special in her name. Like go to the park where we used to go alot together and talk. I dont know. This has really hit me hard. I thought I would have felt better by now. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about it all the time. But she is in my thoughts everyday. I miss her so much.

On a brighter note..Someone is supposed to come and see one of the dogs today to adopt him. They seem like such nice people. They just lost thier dog last month. They raised him from a puppy and he died at the old age of 14 years. They dont want a puppy because they think they are too old to puppy train again. So they are interested in my Titas. He is a great dog and i want him to have a loving home. I thought it would be harder to see them go. It is hard but i know that i cant take care of them like I should. I want them to have better homes. They are like family to me.

The lady who I was supposed to talk to about the job wont be in today. I have to see her tomorrow. This is a bummer because i was up all night nervous last night. I relaly need this job. I keep getting turned down on jobs because they keep hiring teenagers. UGH!! This is a day job so i have a shot at it. I hope so anyways. I am running out of options. It will feel so good to make my own money.

Well I am going to lay down for a bit before i get up and clean. What an exciting day!! lol I hope everyone in J-land has a wonderful monday. God Bless...

 

Saturday, August 23, 2008

found my cat a home

 

Here is my trailors. I thought I would share what it looks like where I live. It is falling apart but it does have potential. You should have seen it when we first moved in.

 

This is the back of it. We are surrounded by 5 and 1/2 acres of woods as well. Very peaceful and beautiful. I didnt show anyone before because it is embarrassing on how I live. Buut I keep it clean even if it isnt the fanciest place. I still feel at home here.

Some very nice lady came today and adopted in on of our cats. Now I only have one more to find a home for. She was so sweet and she really loved him. She said that I could come and see him anytime. He is better off because he can get the care he needs that i cant afford right now. I had two homes for the dogs but they never showed up to see them. The one lady I drove halfway to meet her and she never called or showed up. I thought that was very rude. I am hoping that I find home for them soon. This has been very hard for me. I kow they would be better off in a home who can afford better care for them.

My son came home right after i posted in my journal last time. Our relatiosnhip is so so . It is a little better than it was before but we still have our down times. I am really trying hard to make everyone happy. I really hope that him and I can work things out.

I feel alot better today with the medicine. I think my body is adjusting to it better. I am nto as out of it or tired. I atill feel a bit grougy but not like yesterday when I was falling asleep in the passenger seat of the car.

I think I may have a job. She is going to call me up on monday to see if i can work the hours that she has available. I can work any hours. I am so excited. I really hope I get this job. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and advice.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

new medicine

This new medicine that the doctor put me on makes me very tired. I just mostly want to sleep all day. I am in a daze when I am awake. My son and I had a huge fight. He wasnt at the school after practice he went to a barbecue and it took me forever to find him. He thought I was being unreasonable about being mad. He asid the coach made him go. THat was the truth, the coach did tell him to go. I told my son he was grounded off the phone tonight and he said he has had enough of me. He ran off and I cant find him. I have been crying and crying. I cant take anymore.

 

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

lazy day

Well it is 1:00 pm and I am embarrassed to say that I just got up out of bed. I was watching movies all day. I am going to take a hot shower and hope to feel better. The phychiatrists office called today. The lady said that they would see me on a sliding fee basis. She said becaise of my income that I wont have to pay a thing. As far as my medicine I wont be able to get that but i at least I can get the prescription and get it when i can. I was feeling better on the medicine and I hope that I can get back on it asap. I am still hopeful that my circumstances will change. Tomorrow I am talking to a lady who is going to help me achieve my GED and then possibly college. I can just cross my fingers. As far as me getting a job, I have put in som many applications everywhere. I am waiting for a phone call about a job sometime at the end of this week.Maybe i will get it. The lady seemed to like me. Well I hope everyone is well. Keep safe.

Monday, August 18, 2008

down and out

I dont know what is wrong with me today. I am worse than yesterday. I couldnt sleep last night so I am exhausted to begin with. I am ashamed of how i feel right now. I fel hopeless like all is going to go bad. I feel like giving up. I feel very numb sometimes and other times i feel so hurt. I am not myself today. I feel very hateful at times. I dont think I have ever felt like this. I dont like it. I have been short with the kids. I didnt cook supper tonight. I just threw in a frozen pizza. I am so ashamed of my attitude but i cant seem to stop it. I feel so overwhelmed that I cant deal with it all.

My husband and I are not doing so well. He went out and spent money that we needed for bills. He spent it on senseless things that we didnt need. I was so angry. Here I am worried that we cant make it. I am making sacrificies by finding homes for the dogs and tryng to keep the burden down and he does this. I give up. I really really give up. I hope these feelings pass and that I can sleep tonight. I want to be stronger. I was so proud of my good attitude and now I am like this. I am ashamed to write this but i needed to get it out.

 

Sunday, August 17, 2008

laid around today

I didnt do much today but lay around. I feel so lazy but i just didnt feel well. All my joints hurt real bad and I just couldnt breath right. I feel so run down and tired. I could have slept all day. I tried to take the dogs out for a walk but it just hurt too bad. Some of the dogs are going to new homes this week. We just couldnt financially do it anymore. My kids arent very happy but i have to do what I have to do. They are going to good homes. The cats are next. I am only keeping one. He stays outside alot and isnt much of a problem. I am going to go now and lay down for a bit. I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you for all the advice and comments on my journal. Keeping everyone in my prayers.

God Bless

Saturday, August 16, 2008

God's Pharmacy

Someone sent this to me so I thought I would share it. I dont know much about fruits and vegies so I dont know if it is all true or not. But here it is:

God's Pharmacy

God left us big clues on what foods help what part of the body!!

A sliced  Carrot  looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and ar e indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. Thes e foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them) .
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas a nd actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

 Oranges, Grapefruits and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash th e epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

 

just another day

Today I took the kids to the park for a picnic. My oldest son just sat away from all of us during the whole thing. Nothing has really changed. My nerves are very bad but I am trying to keep them in check.

Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 25:4-5 N LT

I ran accross this bible verse while doing some reading. It was very uplifting to me. I am trying to have faith.

Here is a joke someone sent me. I thought it was cute so I decided to share it. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I spent the evening getting caught up with journals. I am almost finished. I will finish the rest later. It took my mind off of things for awhile. I love reading journals and making new online friends.

TWO ROBINS
 

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch.

"
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.



"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.



"OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.



No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

 

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

 

Friday, August 15, 2008

Racing thoughts

 

Above is a picture that my youngest daughter made for me on the computer. She makes me smile no matter what is going on in my life. She is so precious to me.

I have had an ok day today. I read most of the day. I tried to keep my mind bust so as not to think about everything is going wrong right now in my life. I have been preoccupied with my oldest son, Carl, lately. Yesterday I was able to hav a five minute conversation with him when he had gotten back from football practice. He helped me to finish supper (I think mostly because he was starving). While he did that I got to talk to him about football for a minute or two. It was nice to have my son back if only for five minutes. Today he has not talked to me at all. Tomorrow we are planning to go on a barbecue just with me and the kids. I think this will be good for us to spend the time together.

I have been so stressed out thinking about financial problems trying to figure out hoe to keep bills paid and keep some emergency money in the bank. This seems like a impossible feat. I want the money in the bank in case of an emergency such as the car breaking down or someone getting sick. I thought it was a smart thing to do but it is getting so hard to keep it there. We are somewhat behind in bill but not real bad. The big one is the mortgage. We are about 7 months behind. If we miss a payment, I wont have a place to live anymore. It is supposed to paid off by now. I just cant catch a break. We are hanging on by a thread. While that si gong on I have my son to worry about. Plus two other younger kids and one in college to deal with. My oldest daughter is pretty much independant. She is doing a wonderful job and I am so proud of her. She has been making all the right decisions. Her and I have not been getting alone very well mostly having to do with my mother making her feel as if she is above me. She says things like " You better finsih college !! You dont want to end up like your mother!!" I want her to be better than me and live better but I just dont think it is appropriate to say things like that to my daughter about me. Especially since she is my mother. My mother didnt go to college until her 40's. I dont know why she is downing me right now. Enough of the rambling. I get started and cant stop. lol.

My younger two are great kids. My daughter is a bit of a nervous kid. She always has to know where her little brother and i am and if we are ok. I think that has to do with the fact that my sister had passed away. I just wish she would calm down some. But I am a very nervous person too.

I just keep myself going. I try to think of the good things in my life at least once a day. I still have a roof over my head and we arent starving. I am thankful for that. I pray that things get better for us soon. But I do realize that I have to make it that way myself. God will be with me every step of the way. I will be ok. Thank you all for listening. I am going to try to take the time to read journals tomorrow. I am so far behind!! God bless you all and stay safe.

 

Thursday, August 14, 2008

trials and errors of my son

 

I am at my wits end. My hair is is going to all come out. Gees I dont know if I can take much more of of this teenage stuff. I found a penthouse magazine in his room. I dont even know where he got that!! We dont have anything like that here. I was online just now reading my e-mails and some girl actually instant messages me on myspace messenger and says" Hi Bitch!" talking to my son. I guess she didnt know the CJ was at football practice today. Gees, How did my mother do it? I wasnt even this bad of a teenager. These kids are really out of control!! Do you see the way these girls dress these days!! I have two more kids to go through the teenager years with. I dont know if i have the energy!

Thank you for all the advice. It really was helpful. I have never been through this before. I have a 19 year old daughter but I didnt really have this much problems with her. I had to reprimand her for her clothing choices and i worried about her and her boyfriend making a mistake but she wasnt out of control like this." What did I do wrong? "That is what I keep asking myself. I am going to take the advice about limited phone use and having to work for extra time on the computer and phone. I am also going to turn my phone off at night.  They call him at 3 or 4 in the morning. It wakes me up and i have a hard time falling asleep as it is.I am going to try to wriote him a well thought out letter. I dont want to make him hate me. I dont want him to be upset or sad. I grew up in a home where I didnt get much attention or love. I want to be there for him. I want him to feel as if he can talk to me about everything. I want our good relationship back.  I pray  that I can stay strong and do what I have to do to get this striaght. I want him to have friends and girlfriends. I just dont want him to forget what is important (his schooling and his football) I know he really loves both. He qas an "A" student last year. He loves to play football. He is so proud of himself with that. I pray that he doesnt slip this year. I want to see him succeed in life and everything he does. I want him to live better than I have.  

Thank you all for being there for me and all the great advice. I dont know what I would do without my J-land friends.

Keeping everyone in my prayers

 

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Probleme with my teenage son

 

I am having such a hard time with my 15 year old son. The topic is "A girl". I want to pull my hair out. He wants to be on the phone with her 24 hours a day. His attitude has changed drastically since he has been talking to her on the Internet. He doesn't even get to see her. She lives too far away but yet he still wants to be on the phone with her or Internet with her all hours of the night. We only have one phone line but he still doesn't get the point that maybe we need to get phone calls too. It is so frustrating!! I used to be able to talk to him about anything. Now i cant even talk to him at all! Every time I try to talk to him, he thinks I am trying to attack him. He told me yesterday that he was going to stop playing football. Football was so good for him. Before he played he was getting into trouble alot. It really changed his life for the better. I don't want to him to stop. He says that it is because it is getting too hard. I think it has to do with this girl. I don't want to see him waste his life over a girl. I made that mistake when I was younger. This is really heart breaking to see this happen to him. If anyone has any advice it is greatly needed. I am at a loss. : (

other than that, I have been doing pretty good emotionally. I have my moments when i break down but all and all I am keeping myself busy enough that I don't think about things all that often. Things have been ok so far. I just pray that I figure things out before I lose everything. I am not going to give up as of yet. I am still hanging in there. I had a job interview the other day. It is for a cashier job. I really hope that I get it. The lady seemed to like me. She looked like someone that I could enjoy working for. She owns the store and she is very is very easy going. She doesn't even make her employees wear uniforms. My husband is working two part time jobs. That gets a bit hectic but it is money after all.

I have been doing alot of reading lately. Most of it has been about religious things. I have found out that I love learning about different religions. Especially Christian history. It is really interesting.

I have been thinking about my sister alot as well. C.O.R.E. sent me a paper wanting a picture of her to honor her because she donated her organs to them. It really makes me feel good that someone out there is using her eyes to see again. She has given someone a second chance to be see. That makes me so proud to have had her as my special friend. She was really wonderful. She would give the shirt off her back for someone if they needed it. I am blessed to have had her in my life. I love her and miss her so much. I was very happy to send them a picture of her. She deserves to be honored.

I hope all my J-land friends are doing well. I have not had a chance to really comment much on journals. I have been running and running. School is going to start soon and i should have alittle more time because the house wont get messed up so fast. I cant beleive summer is almost over already. I feel like it just started. I am not ready for winter. YUCK!! : (

Well everyone I will bid you fairwell. Till next time....