Monday, August 18, 2008

down and out

I dont know what is wrong with me today. I am worse than yesterday. I couldnt sleep last night so I am exhausted to begin with. I am ashamed of how i feel right now. I fel hopeless like all is going to go bad. I feel like giving up. I feel very numb sometimes and other times i feel so hurt. I am not myself today. I feel very hateful at times. I dont think I have ever felt like this. I dont like it. I have been short with the kids. I didnt cook supper tonight. I just threw in a frozen pizza. I am so ashamed of my attitude but i cant seem to stop it. I feel so overwhelmed that I cant deal with it all.

My husband and I are not doing so well. He went out and spent money that we needed for bills. He spent it on senseless things that we didnt need. I was so angry. Here I am worried that we cant make it. I am making sacrificies by finding homes for the dogs and tryng to keep the burden down and he does this. I give up. I really really give up. I hope these feelings pass and that I can sleep tonight. I want to be stronger. I was so proud of my good attitude and now I am like this. I am ashamed to write this but i needed to get it out.



luvrte66 said...

Never feel ashamed of how you feel, or of venting in your own journal, hon!

Chalk it up to a bad day and hope and believe that tomorrow will be better. However, it sounds like you and your hub should think about sitting down together and planning a budget. When things are so tight, he can't just go out and "spend." Ken and I stuck pretty tight to the budget he planned and did that for several years in order to get out of debt--and we still try to stick to a budget. I hope you can do that together, so that you don't have to feel this level of stress.

Good luck, and HUGS,

itsjustme45j said...

Days like this suck, no way around other than to hope the day is quick. Not getting sleep magnifies everything. Just concentrate on breathing, type crap through your fingertips release is important. Better through typed words than spoken. You can control typed words and delete later, once the spoken words are out there is no taking them back. Thats the great thing about journaling.

Good luck today, it will end.

fieldpixie272 said...

Well what is wrong with cooking a frozen pizza????  Good lord almighty its not child abuse to serve a frozen pizza.  Its a decent meal that I am sure most kids are grateful for.  You need to rise above your "expectations" of what is right in your world.  And doing this you will see a few things, the things that are going right!  
Your husband is not being responsible with his money and for this reason you must realize that you cannot rely on his money anymore.  Get a job. Even part time.  You WILL begin to feel better about yourself when you do.

Dont be ashamed, be empowered.  He should be ashamed not you.  But you cant control him.  All you can do is control the emotions you have and how you react when he does something like that.  

fieldpixie272 said...

I forgot to tell you what IS right in your world.  Your kids and the love you have for them.  And isnt that the most important thing?  Think about this and then, make a PLAN.

lsfp1960 said...

Sounds to me like you've got some depression going on. This old grandma's advice~take a nice warm shower, then a couple tylenol and go to bed.  A good nights sleep will help you see things differently tomorrow.   And you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious talk about finances. Gently point out to him that you're giving away some of the animals to help lessen expenses and you need his help too.  Even when times are tough financially it's important for you two to have a date night...even if it's a trip to McDonald's for a $1 sundae or a coke.  Just being alone, on a date will help bring you closer and give you time to talk about things, away from the house.  Sleep tight ~ I promise things will look better tomorrow.  Linda in Washington state  

salemslot9 said...

I think they say finances
are the number one thing
couples argue about
it's serious
you and your husband
need to be on
the same page

bojgill4375 said...

So sorry you are not feeling well and could not sleep. I agree maybe you should get some medicine for depression. My 2 aunts and 1 uncle are all taking meds. Is there anyway that your husband can return what he purchased? Will keep you in my prayers. Love, hugs, and prayers, Janie

csandhollow said...

I can't tell you how many times I opened up a can of soup. Hun, talk to hubby. See if those things can be returned. Does he understand about the bills or do you try to keep him from worrying?