Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I know that it is late but I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My last couple of days haven't been all that good but I am hanging in there. I am having such a hard time getting over this depression. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. My husband and oldest son did all the cooking. They didnt mind. I think they actually had fun. I cried off and on but i pulled myself together and had dinner with the kids. I defenetly need an enviroment change. I dont know how long I can go living like this. My mortgage holder is really being awful. She said that even though we have been paying on time for the last year, we are still late with the back amount. The poperty should have been paid off in June. She found a buyer and is taking me to court to get me evicted. She is getting twice the amount this property is worth. I have been busting my butt paying this. I have even made a few double payments. We are about four months to go before it is ours. Not anymore. She is taking us to court. I will most likely be homeles by Christmas. I havent given up but it feels hopeless.

My mother and I arent really getting along. She wanted me and the kids to go down there and spend Christmas with them. My husband couldnt come down because of work and he would have to spend Christmas alone. I told her that I couldnt do that to him. I did that last year. I asked her if she wnated to come up here. She said she couldnt leave dad alone for Christmas. MY father has off for Christmas so would be able to come up here but refuses. I was expected to leave my husband alone but she isnt expected to leave her's alone. Anyways. She just said that she wil come after Christmas. That is ok with me but I think she is very upset about this.

Enough of the complaining.. I couldnt go to take my GED on monday night due to some very harsh winter conditions. They rescheduled it for this tuesday night. I am going to pass this and change my life. Thank you all for pulling for me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Stay safe!! HUGS Christine

Monday, November 24, 2008

GED tesd

I know I have not posted in a long while. I have not been mentally well. I have been severely depressed. I have this hopeless feeling. I cant shake it. I didnt want to write n my journal unless I had something upbeat to say. I was so tired of writing nothing but depressing things. I am scheduled to take my GED test tonight. I am so depressed that I had feelings of just not going. What would be the point?? I know that I have to make myself go. Deep inside I know this is the turning point and first step to my new life. I am so tired though. I am so mentally drained. We arent doing so good trying to kep ends meet. We have to heat the house and do our laundry in a laundry matt. My washer just went. When it rains it poors. At the end of december I wont have a car anymore. I need to come up with 315 dollars to get it fixed. I wont be able to do it. It is very hard to keep myself going. I hope I pass this test. I need this upbeat news. Wish me luck!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

sugery : (

When it rains it pours I guess. I went to the obstetrician yesterday and found out that I may need surgery. I was having pain down there all the time almost like having menstrual cramps all month long. And I bleed horribly bad during my period. The doctor checked me out and put me on Naproxen for my pain for now. That medicine makes me so tired. I hate that. Anyway, he said he wants to do an ultrasound next week to make sure I dont have any cysts. After that he wants to schedule me for a D-n-C. Then after that he wants to do something that I have never heard of before. He wants to put me to sleep and put a balloon inside of me and heat it up and burn the lining of my uterus so that I dont bleed anymore. Very bizzarre to me. He wants to do t his because of my bad reaction to medicines. This wont cause any bad side effects. This all doesnt worry me. What worries me is that my mother was diagnosed with Uterine cancer around my age. I am hoping that all the tests come back normal and I dont have anything serious. They took a pap smear and blood to check my blood cell levals to see if I am anemic and thyroid to make sure it is working right(I had lost 10 pounds quickly). He said I was abit dyhadrated and wants me to drink lots of water. (I hate drinking water). I just pray everything turns out ok.

As far as my GED it looks as if i will never get it taken. The program that I was in requires that i have my son join a program called headstart. A case worker would have to come out and see him three times a week for two hours and I owuld have to drive him to town twice a month. The twice a month thing doesnt bother me. Whgat bothers me is the case worker comeing to my house. I really dont want to draw attention to myself because i dont have normal heat right now. I am using a kerosene heater and I dont want them to think t his to be inappropriate and take my children from me. We were given a wood stove but I had gottne it too late in the season. I dont have any wood for it. I dont have a truck to pick up fire wood and didnt have time to cut my own. Another reason is that I have been tryng very hard to get a job. I cant work if I have to be here for the case worker. It is very frustrating. I cant get my GED paid unless i comply to this. I dont understand it but it is what it is.

The eye doctor, I dont want to go there. Boy am i mad!!! I called to get my daughter rechcked for her prescription. They said they cant see her anymore because i was a no show for three appointments. I know that is not true. I know that I did miss one appointment because it was the day after my sister passed away last year. I forgot to cancel the appointment. Who would have remember when they wnet through what I went t hrough the day before? Other than that, I have never been a no show for any appointment!! It is not like me to do that. I always call. As a matter of fact I am very picky. I even come 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I tried to explain to them that they must have made a mistake but she would not listen. Shge was very rude. Being that this is the only place within a 100 miles that takes my insurance, I am going to have to pay for her visit somewhere. There goes my money for my GED!! It never ends for me.

Last but least, my car is running bad. It runs worse now than it did before it went into the mechanic. I dont know what they did but it was something bad. All they did was replace the water pump and the timing belt on my car. They wont relook at it unless i pay for it. UNREAL!! I have to take it back in next month to get the other 315 dollars worth of work to it to get it inspected. I wonder what they will mess up then.

On a brighter note...I have been feeling a little less depressed. My stress level has not changed so I must be dealing with things better. I realluy would like to get a job but I have to be patient. If I get a job now my insurance will drop. I need that to get my surgery done. I just have to take one step at a time. Patience is defenetly not my virtue. lol

I am very sorry that I have not commented on people's journals. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am going to try to sit down for a couple of hours tonight and read and comment on journals. If anyone needs me for anything please feel free to e-mail me I try to check my e-mails everyday. Hugs to everyone.

I am going to try to take it easy today. I have very litle cleaning to do. I think i will read and try to get my mind off of things. I really would like to move closer to town eben if it means renitng again. : ( I hate the thought but going back and forth to town is getting harder and harder to do. If I am in town, the kids can do more after school activities. I think it is for the best. I may try to sell this and get a trailor in the trailor park in town. That way I can keep my pets. : ).. They allow cats and dogs. That would be nice but only a dream. I have actually been dreaming every night about moving. I am always afraid of leaving something special behind. It is a mental problem of mine. My sister was the same way but WORSE. She kept things in boxes and had a whole room full of boxes. Trying to get her to give anything away was impossible,. She would say ,"what if i need it later?? " Of course she never would. I was like that but caught myself and got rid of alot of stuff. I am still trying to find homes for some of my things.

Well I will close this journal entry befor i write a book. Thank you all for being there for me and taking the time to read my journal and comment. I know how hard it is to find time to read journals. Stay safe everyone.....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

very peaceful day

I had a very uneventful day I am please to say. I spent most of the day playing games with my 4 year old. After the older kids got out of school we went to the library to get books. Then we can home and had an odd supper of waffles and bacon. I am just very happy that nothing bad happened or there wasnt any bad news. That was nice for a change. Tomorrow morning I go to a meeting to determine when I take my GED. I will keep everyone posted on how that goes. Thank you all for being there for me... (((HUGS)))

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hanging on with God's help

First of all I want to say thank you for all the comments and suggestions about my daughter and her grades. I am really concerned with it. I want my children to live better than I do. And I know that getting good grades is the beginning of it. Good study habits really are a plus.

I picked my car up from the shop today. I didnt get everything fixed but I had the important things finished. I have 300 more dollars to come up with to get it inspected. It sure is better than having to come up with 800 dollars. The only bill that I am late with now is the electric bill. That company is sure being a pain in the butt. I keep giving them money and they will say everything is ok. A week later I am having to pull some more money together. They know they are getting LIHEAP soon so I dont kow why they are pressuring me. I owe 216 dollars now. Most of it isnt even late. They are just very picky. My other utilities are very lenient and understanding.

Today wasnt a bad day all and all. I was very lazy and bought McDonald's for the kids for supper. I didnt feel like the after dinner mess cleanup. I enjoyed eating out even if it was only McDonalds. It doesnt help my diet any though. : (

My son had his birthday yesterday. He is now 4 years old. The years fly by. I remember when he was first born. He was so tiny. I miss those days except for the four hour feedings. lol.. He didnt get much for his birthday. He got a car and a play cell phone from me . My mother sent him some money and bought him some PUTT PUTT computer games. He loves them. If any body is looking for computer games for toddlers, this is a great game. He never gets bored with them and it makes him think and learn computer skills. It is about a car and his quest to help people find things. There is one from the moon , zoo, circus and goes through. They are really good games.

I am hanging in there. I know things will get better for me someday. I hope things are going well for everyone.


Meeting for GED

I guess I decided to use the GED meeting as a subject line of my journal today because it is the biggest thing in my life right now. It's the only life changing thing going on right now. Lorretta, my case worker for my GED, wants me to come in on Wednesday and sit down and talk to her about taking my GED sooner than planned and closer to where i live. I am all game for that. I just want to get this over with and go on with my next step. My next step will be finding a job and then going to college but not necessarily in that order.

This morning was really cold. I despise cold mornings. I already have a hard time getting out of bed. I really don't have any reason to get out of bed today. How many times can you clean a small trailer? There just isn't anything else for me to do.

My ten year old daughter is failing school. I think part of it has to do with the fact that she just cant sit still or keep organised. I think she is a dreamer. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as you dream when you shouldn't be learning your school work. I have to call the eye doctor today for her. She has now managed to break three eye glasses in the last year. It is getting to be too expensive!! She is something else. You would think my boys would be the destructacons but no it is her. She is hard on her clothes and everything else around her. She broke the zipper on her book bag. I don't have anywhere around here to get her a new one. She is a joy sometimes. My 16 year old son has used the same book bag for two years now. She is definitely a very high maintenance child. But I love her just the same.

Well I am going to go and get a hot bowl of soup and maybe read my book. I have been reading about Mystic places. I love reading about the pyramids and Stonehenge etc... I love reading non fiction books. I am not much reading books that don't have some kind of true information in them. I hope everyone stays warm.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

keeping myself stable

I have been trying to deal with things the best I can. I am trying not to waste my already short life with worry. I have been trying to just raise my kids and keep things afloat. It has been a challenge. But I am doing it.
I have a prayer request. My online friend,Will, is in the hospital with two failed kidney's. He isnt doing very well as of now. His wife, Patty, is a sweet girl. She is not taking it very well. On top of dealing with this, she has young children to take care of. Please take time and say a small prayer. She really needs all the prayer she can get,

As far as the election. I, myself, am republican. But I am mature enough to try to have faith in our government. Maybe Obama will do ok. Maybe he will fix things at least somewhat. He has alot on his plate. I hope he can handle it. I will pray for him that he will make the right decisions for our country. God Bless him.

My case worker(Loretta) at Career Link has found a place where I can take my GED early. I really need to pass this test so that I can take my next step leading my to my new and more stable life. That is all I want for My children and I. Fist things first, Passing that test. Loretta thinks I will ace it. She has more confidence in me than I do.

I am very sorry that I have not been able to comment on everyone's journals. I hope to be able to have five seconds to sit down later with a cup of hot tea and read and comment in journals. I miss everyone alot!! Feel free to e-mail me anytime.