Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My dog

My husband took the bait last night. He answered the e-mail that I sent him. I asked him this morning if he talked to anyone through the e-mail. The was a blatant lie!!! I can't believe him!!! He complained that we have nothing in common. I am so hurt about this. I E-mailed back and asked for a meeting. If he says yes then I am so through with this. He has a history of online cheating. He promised not to do it again. I cant believe this. I guess time will tell what he says.
I am praying that he does the right thing. :'(
I have decided to keep my dog. I will just have to find a house suitable for him to live in. I dont feel I could handle seeing him go right now. He is so precious to me. I have been very fickle about whether or not to find him a home. I dont know how well he will do in town but i am willing to try. My husband really doesnt like him much but given the circumstances between me and my husband I dont think I care. I have been cheated on before. I hope that I dont have ot go through this again.

Monday, July 30, 2007

coping with my stress and trust issues

I had an ok day today. I took the dogs out for a walk to get some excersise. I drove in town to walk so that the dogs start to get used to town life versus country life. I have an apointment with a man tomorrow evening who may take my one dog. He seems like a nice guy and knows that I am struggling with the decision. He is not taking my dog tomorrow but just meeting to see him. I will see if I am comfortable with him. I want to do what is best for my baby Domino. I love him so much.
I have done something today that I am not proud of. My husband is a great guy but we have trust problems. I decided to test him today by sending him a fake e-mail from a fake person. I want to see if he would cheat on me. I have been cheated on many times before by different men. He has cheated on me online with another girl but never in person. He promised he would never do it again so I decided to test him. I know it is wrong and I am going to hurt myself along with him. Maybe he wont take the bait.
I hope it is the case. I want to be able to trust him but trust is not easy for me. I have been through alot. I trust very little people. i need to learn to trust people.
I am waiting for my husband to get home from work. I love him very much. He is everything to me. He has his moments though. He struggles with being a father. He gets frustrated with them sometimes. Especially my youngest daughter, she tends to whine to much and I think it gets on his nervous. He is new at all of this. He moved in with us three years ago. He moved from living with his mother to being a step father. I think it was a very hard adjustment for him. His mother is very dominating.
She controlled all of his life. He did not get the life experiences that he needed. He moved in here when he was 30 years old. His mother never let him drive or even have his own bank account. She is crazy in my boooks. She hates me. She doesnt really give a reason but I think it is because I took her baby away from her. She needs help big time. My husband and I have a son together now. He is 2 years old and that woman wont except him. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I get so angry about that.
I also feel guilt because I sometimes feel like I tore my husband away from his family. She wont talk to him until I am gone. That hurts alot. It sometimes causes problems in our relationship.
This journal writing has been so helpful. I feel as if I am getting my feelings out. I have been able to sort things out . I am now addicted to writing journals. :-)

Carouselqueen70 [12:21 PM]: Well I am going to out for a walk with my dogs today. I havent done this in a long while. I guess I was too depressed or lazy to go out. I have real bad social anxiety. I dont like going out because of having to be around people. When people try to approach me, I start to feel like I am getting a panic attack. I can't breath and I start to feel sick. I sometimes have that flight instinct. I really want to be socialable but I just havent been able to shake my fears of it yet.
i have actually not gone to school functions with my kids because of this. I am always afraid that people won't like me. It takes a very long time for me to warm up to someone. I have even tried going to church. I get so stressed. People are really friendly there which should be a good thing. But for me it gets very uncomfortable. I think people tend to not like me because I dont talk to them much. They think I am being rude. That is not the case at all. I have to get over this fear I have.
I am going to take the dogs out with me to town and walk around. I feel more comfortable with them. Maybe it will help me to try to be more socialable.

I woke up today at 11:23. I could not sleep last night at all. I really wish I could drag myself out of bed alot sooner. I would probably feel better. Not much going on today. My sister has to call Terrence. He is a loan officer. We have to see if they decided to give us a loan for a house. We are hoping that we don't have a big down payment because we don't have much money. If this goes well, I think I am going to take a chance and make an offfer on another house.
I don't think I want to deal with the people with t he other house anymore. They dont really want to work with you. They dont want to do any of thier own work. I am very sick to my stomach from he stress. I think I am done with that one. I will get over my dissapointmnet and go on with my life.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Well, I had my disastrous meeting today about the house. They were really nice people but we didn't get anywhere. I am so disappointed. I really had my hopes up for a better meeting. They just would not answer any questions. I should be used to being disapointed. :-( Not much has gone well with my life. But I keep on going. Sometimes I just dont know how.
I had an appointment to meet someone to give my dog away. I know that if I find a suitable house in town, I can't take him with me. I broke down and could not give him away.It was embarrassing. I couldnt breath and I was crying. I ended up having to go throw up in the bathroom. I know that I am pathetic but he is my baby. I have raised him since he was a little guy. I love him so much. I would have to be very comfortable with whoever he goes to. I guess I am weak when it comes to some things.
I guess it is time for me to take a hot bath and contemplate what to do next about things.I am so confused about everything. I think I am trying to deal with too much too soon.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I think the last tme I looked at the clock it was 5 am. I know that I didnt fall asleep until later than that. My stomach is in knots. I have until 2:30 to pull myself together to talk to the people about this house. I am doubting that I can even pull it off. I just got up at 11:00 am. I know that is pitiful but once I was asleep, I couldnt wake up. I took two xanax last night to try to relax. I have not felt well in about two weeks.
Some days I can get up and face the world. Other days I feel like it is so hard to get up at all. I even have body aches all day on some occasions. I have been tested for Lyme disease, Lupus, and rhematoid athritus. Everything came back normal. They even tested for Fibromalgia. I am frustrated because i know there is something wrong with me.
Part of my depression comes from me being overweight. I am 5'7" and I weigh 284 pounds. It is unexcusable to me. I try to lose weight but fail itme after time. I wasnt heavey when I was younger. I was a pretty, skinny, and well shaped young lady. I didnt think much of myself even then I struggles with low self esteem. But now I look back and I wish I looked that good again. I really wish that I could just lose the weight.
I would love to feel energetic again and fell godd about myself. I would also like to lose weight just for the fact that I would be at risk for dieing at an early age. I want to be there for my children when they need me. I guess I am rambling now.
I can't discribe how I feel right now. I guess I am confused. What is the right things to do? Everything always feels like it is hitting me at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my sanity. I need to get my head straight. I need to have more pride in myself. If I don't like myself, I need to change so that I do. This house defently has me upset.
There are other things that haunt me in my life. I feel like I don't belong in this world. I know i have been told that God says if you feel like you belong in the world then something is wrong. I watch the news regularly. I often watch Glenn Beck and Anderson Cooper. I am very disturbed sometimes about what I see on there. People hurting each other. Especially when children are hurt, I wonder what goes through these people's minds. They have to be tortured mentally to do the evil things that they do.
I don't know. i guess i feel sorry for hunamity and the road that we chose to go down. I think that God's gift of free will can sometimes be a curse instead of a blessing. I just pray for all the people hurt and devastated by today's world.
I guess I concider myself a conservative. Although, I do believe in global warming and our responsibility to our world. I know that some people will try to cash in on the whole "Global Warming " thing. I believe that is not the responsible thing to do. I think that we should all work together to make global warming slow down. I know that it is umpossible to stop it. We rely too much on some things to stop the use of them. It would take big bucks and big companie's help to make a big difference.
Anytime there is big money involved, the nig companies don't want to budge. Although I have seen some companies do some things to help the enviroment. I guess that is a start. We should all try to protect and take care of the planet that God blessed us with. I know I am not a saint. I drive a car and use products that caused pollution. It is very hard for me to get out of it due to the fact that some energy conserving things cost big money.
I have to get ready now for my BIG meeting. I hope everything goes well for me and my family. I am expecting the worse as I always do.That comes with my pessimistic attitude. I know i need to work on that. Maybe things will turn out ok. Maybe. :-\

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I am not sure how to start this. I am very new to blogging. I have written journals before but not online. I have not kept a journal is a very long time. I guess I was distracted by other things. Maybe it was just pure laziness. I don't really know for sure.
I am coming to a turning point in my life where I have the opportunity to start a new life. I am trying to find a house to buy. My husband and I have been through so much. I really want us to have a chance to have a better life. We both deserve it.
I hope everything goes well for us tomorrow
There are good things and bad things that go with this move. I have to find homes for some of my pets. :-( That is not really something that I want to do. Especially my baby Domino. I will always miss him. I hope that he will go to a good home. I have pictures of him all over the place. This will defenetly be hard But I feel it is best for the family to get a house closer to town. The rules are different in town and it will take some time to get used to it. It is a big adjustment for all of us.
I think I will have the hardest time of all . I dont do well with change even if it is good. I am so scared of this move. This is so much different. I am wondering if I can make it or not. I hope so.. I want to succeed for once in my life.
My self esteem is so low that maybe succeeding at something will be good for me. I have had so many bad experiences with men. The last one i had was so abusive that he drug me down emotionally. Now I have a great guy and I cant shake the low self esteeem and depression I had with the other one.
One of my problems is Welfare. I want to get off of it but I feel like I am trapped on it. I get foodstamps and medical. I hate it. I want to be self sufficient. I dont want to rely on the Government for my food and medical. But it is so hard to get off of it.
I need some rest I will enter more tomorrow. Today is July 28, 2007.