Sunday, July 29, 2007

I didn't get much sleep last night. I think the last tme I looked at the clock it was 5 am. I know that I didnt fall asleep until later than that. My stomach is in knots. I have until 2:30 to pull myself together to talk to the people about this house. I am doubting that I can even pull it off. I just got up at 11:00 am. I know that is pitiful but once I was asleep, I couldnt wake up. I took two xanax last night to try to relax. I have not felt well in about two weeks.
Some days I can get up and face the world. Other days I feel like it is so hard to get up at all. I even have body aches all day on some occasions. I have been tested for Lyme disease, Lupus, and rhematoid athritus. Everything came back normal. They even tested for Fibromalgia. I am frustrated because i know there is something wrong with me.
Part of my depression comes from me being overweight. I am 5'7" and I weigh 284 pounds. It is unexcusable to me. I try to lose weight but fail itme after time. I wasnt heavey when I was younger. I was a pretty, skinny, and well shaped young lady. I didnt think much of myself even then I struggles with low self esteem. But now I look back and I wish I looked that good again. I really wish that I could just lose the weight.
I would love to feel energetic again and fell godd about myself. I would also like to lose weight just for the fact that I would be at risk for dieing at an early age. I want to be there for my children when they need me. I guess I am rambling now.
I can't discribe how I feel right now. I guess I am confused. What is the right things to do? Everything always feels like it is hitting me at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my sanity. I need to get my head straight. I need to have more pride in myself. If I don't like myself, I need to change so that I do. This house defently has me upset.
There are other things that haunt me in my life. I feel like I don't belong in this world. I know i have been told that God says if you feel like you belong in the world then something is wrong. I watch the news regularly. I often watch Glenn Beck and Anderson Cooper. I am very disturbed sometimes about what I see on there. People hurting each other. Especially when children are hurt, I wonder what goes through these people's minds. They have to be tortured mentally to do the evil things that they do.
I don't know. i guess i feel sorry for hunamity and the road that we chose to go down. I think that God's gift of free will can sometimes be a curse instead of a blessing. I just pray for all the people hurt and devastated by today's world.
I guess I concider myself a conservative. Although, I do believe in global warming and our responsibility to our world. I know that some people will try to cash in on the whole "Global Warming " thing. I believe that is not the responsible thing to do. I think that we should all work together to make global warming slow down. I know that it is umpossible to stop it. We rely too much on some things to stop the use of them. It would take big bucks and big companie's help to make a big difference.
Anytime there is big money involved, the nig companies don't want to budge. Although I have seen some companies do some things to help the enviroment. I guess that is a start. We should all try to protect and take care of the planet that God blessed us with. I know I am not a saint. I drive a car and use products that caused pollution. It is very hard for me to get out of it due to the fact that some energy conserving things cost big money.
I have to get ready now for my BIG meeting. I hope everything goes well for me and my family. I am expecting the worse as I always do.That comes with my pessimistic attitude. I know i need to work on that. Maybe things will turn out ok. Maybe. :-\

1 comment:

bojgill4375 said...

Yes, I believe in God & also believe in global warming. We are slowly destroying our world. People do not believe it but yet they say we will loose the Polar Bear. I could not loose weight until I quit worrying all the time about it. Stress and boredom seems to make me eat. The Bible tells us that the world is going to get worse and worse. I believe that He is in control. We need to reach out to those that He lays on our heart... minister to them. Blessings, Janie