Monday, July 30, 2007

coping with my stress and trust issues

I had an ok day today. I took the dogs out for a walk to get some excersise. I drove in town to walk so that the dogs start to get used to town life versus country life. I have an apointment with a man tomorrow evening who may take my one dog. He seems like a nice guy and knows that I am struggling with the decision. He is not taking my dog tomorrow but just meeting to see him. I will see if I am comfortable with him. I want to do what is best for my baby Domino. I love him so much.
I have done something today that I am not proud of. My husband is a great guy but we have trust problems. I decided to test him today by sending him a fake e-mail from a fake person. I want to see if he would cheat on me. I have been cheated on many times before by different men. He has cheated on me online with another girl but never in person. He promised he would never do it again so I decided to test him. I know it is wrong and I am going to hurt myself along with him. Maybe he wont take the bait.
I hope it is the case. I want to be able to trust him but trust is not easy for me. I have been through alot. I trust very little people. i need to learn to trust people.
I am waiting for my husband to get home from work. I love him very much. He is everything to me. He has his moments though. He struggles with being a father. He gets frustrated with them sometimes. Especially my youngest daughter, she tends to whine to much and I think it gets on his nervous. He is new at all of this. He moved in with us three years ago. He moved from living with his mother to being a step father. I think it was a very hard adjustment for him. His mother is very dominating.
She controlled all of his life. He did not get the life experiences that he needed. He moved in here when he was 30 years old. His mother never let him drive or even have his own bank account. She is crazy in my boooks. She hates me. She doesnt really give a reason but I think it is because I took her baby away from her. She needs help big time. My husband and I have a son together now. He is 2 years old and that woman wont except him. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I get so angry about that.
I also feel guilt because I sometimes feel like I tore my husband away from his family. She wont talk to him until I am gone. That hurts alot. It sometimes causes problems in our relationship.
This journal writing has been so helpful. I feel as if I am getting my feelings out. I have been able to sort things out . I am now addicted to writing journals. :-)

1 comment:

bojgill4375 said...

Just go with the way you feel with this guy, see how Domino likes him. I gave up a dog and told the lady to give her back to me if she was treated mean or didn't want her. Her husband was treating her mean and I took her back. The dog was so happy to come home. This is a hard subject to give someone advice about, cheating. Once trust is lost it is hard to get it back; it takes TIME, EFFORT, & PRAYERS. I caught my husband with another woman in 1979. I let this destroy me as a person worrying about it & etc. You can not change a person, only yourself & the way you think. Do a lot of praying. Ask God to help you through these times, He will. There is not very many people who will give up their family for someone else. When you married him, you got his family also. That is your mother-in-laws loss when it comes to your son!! Your husband is a man so therefore you did not take him from his mother. Be assured that reality is reality. Your husband can not help the way she is. He did not choose his mother. Try to just ignore what she does as much as possible. Seems like the more uncomfortable she makes you the more she will enjoy it. Say as little as possible on being negative about her and your husband make see the facts much clearer. You are in my prayers, Janie