Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Hope everyone's Christmas went well

Hello all.... I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. Mine was ok I guess. It didn't really feel like Christmas. It came and went so fast. The kids enjoyed their presents. I spent the morning with my family and then I decided to go for a walk around the nieghborhood. It brought back memories of when I was younger. I walked to my old playground and park. I couldnt help but think of my sister. I thought about all the good times that we had. I cried but I also smiled. I spent about an hour walking around and then came back to my parents house. I ended up taking a oucple of hour nap and then e-mailed my husband to let him know what was going on and how the kids were doing. It is weird that even though we dont have heat and things arent going well at home, I still miss my home. I am getting homesick and want to come home. My mother is taking me home on saturday. I hate traveling so the 5 hour trip will feel like forever. I am glad that I got to spend the holidays with my parents and oldest daughter. Well I have to go for now. I hope everyone is safe and well. I will keep everyone in my prayers. Here is something that I got in the mail and I thought I would share this with everyone:

Will Jesus Come to Earth Again?

Jesus said, "In my Father's home [heaven] there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me."1

Year after year with "tireless regularity and eternal patience," God reminds the world every Christmas that he sent his Son, Jesus, to save lost mankind. Christmas is also God's reminder that Jesus is coming back to earth for all who have accepted him as their personal Lord and Savior.

His first coming is an indisputable fact of history. His second coming to end this world age is just as certain. According to Bible scholars, there are 1,845 references in the Old Testament and 318 in the New Testament about Christ's second coming to earth. This means for every prophecy in the Bible about Christ's first coming—every one of which was fulfilled in minute detail—there are eight about his second coming!

Jesus is coming again. God has promised this in his Word, the Bible. Jesus himself promised it as well. And all the signs thatJesus and the Bible said would immediately precede his return are evident today, also reminding us that Christ's return could be very soon. If it were today, would you be ready?

Christmas is also a reminder to all Christians that Jesus has commissioned all of us to spread his message of salvation to everyone everywhere.2 Jesus said that, "This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."3 Never has this been more possible than it is today because our generation has the greatest means of worldwide communications the world has ever seen.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for your great CHRISTmas love gift to me and to the world. In appreciation for all you have done for me, I surrender my heart and life afresh to you. Please make me usable and use me in whatever way you will to be a part of your plan to spread the gospel to the world in which I live and in some way to people around the world. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name. Amen."


Friday, December 21, 2007

Going to my parents house

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! I am going downstate to my parent's house for Christmas. I am leaving tomorrow and not getting back until the following saturday.I will still be checking my e-mails as much as possible while I am away. I really would rather stay at home but I am going for the kids. I am going to try to not be depressed while I am there. Try is the word.I havent had very good times lately.  I am just going to celebrate it as our Savior's birthday.I am very thankful for His Birth and resurrection so that we can be saved through Him . That is truly a blessing. That is the only  Good thought that I have about it this year.I still try to keep my faith and believe that everything happens for a purpose that He only knows. That alone keeps me going. 

 I will be thinking about everyone and keeping everyone in my prayers. Let's all pray that the new year will bring better times for everyone. Thank you all for being there for me.




Wednesday, December 5, 2007

very lost

I am a little bit better today. I feel very lost. I dont really know how to feel about things anymore. I have too much going on. I try to tell myself to keep going but it is hard. We may lose our place to live here shortly. My sister had really messed things up financially. It looks as if our family may have to split up for awhile. My husband's mother wont let us all stay with her except for Robert and our son Daniel. She said she doesnt have the room for all of us. She lives 3 hours from here so I wont be seeing my husband or my three year old son very often. My youngest daughter is going to go live with my mother. My mother said that the kids could come stay with her but not me. She said that I would drive my father nuts.He likes his own space.  I dont know why. He is barely even home. But I am glad that my daughter has a place to go. My oldest son refuses to go to my mother's house. He said he wants to stay here and tough it out with me. He is 15 years old and i respect his wishes but if it gets too bad , he will have to go. We dont have any heat here and i just want to do what is best for the kids. All we have is  kerosene heater and electric heaters. They dont heat this place up all too well. Plus they really arent safe. It breaks my heart to see my family seperate but it will only be until we can establish a place to live together again somewhere. We have tried everything and nothing is working out right now. I just pray that we can all be together again soon. I have applied for low income housing but there is a 18 month waiting list for them so i will have to see what i can do in the mean time.

We are also looking for places for the dogs and cats to go as well. I am looking for good homes and pray that I find them one before I have to leave here.

I am really trying to keep my chin up and try to keep myself going. The fact that we all have to split up like this is killing me. I will miss all of them dearly. I want to do the right thing. Times are hard and we just have to keep going.

Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers. You are all wonderful people. I am sorry  that I have nothing upbeat to write. I try to find good things to think about and write about. I will keep everyone posted on how things are going.

A PC Christmas



A PC Christmas

T’was the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday


Tuesday, December 4, 2007


I got this in my e-mails and decided to share it. I thought it was all so true.

1. Pegs on Which to Hang Anger

"Behold, You [God] desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom."1

As a general rule, loved people love people and hurt people hurt people. And angry people, besides angering other people, are constantly looking for pegs on which to hanger their anger.

I was watching a TV interview recently and the person being interviewed was obviously a very angry person with a not-too-hidden agenda. This person avoided every question the interviewer asked and continued to spew out his bitter negative comments.

This type of person, who has a negative axe to grind, sees only what he wants to see and hears only what he wants to hear. And he will twist what he hears to make it match his distorted perception of reality. Reality is not on their agenda.

It's the same with people who have a critical attitude. They're angry too and are constantly looking for pegs on which to hang their anger. They will read into situations exactly what they want to see and hear as a way to avoid facing their own reality. They live in denial—an ultimately dangerous and self-destructive way to live.

Found something disturbing

I know I havent posted in so long. I really should have but have not been able to get myself to do it. I have been a total wreck. While I was going through my sister's things so that i could send the family what they wanted, I ran into a journal. I should not have read it but i wanted to know what was going through her mind the last couple of months before her death. That was a big mistake. The things she wrote about me in that journal were absolutelty awful. She called me unmentionable names and she said that I was a burden to her. She said I was a psycho and she wished that I would move out of the house and get away from her. She put that in her journal everyday for the last 3 months before her death. She said she hated me and wanted me away from her. She said that i was never there for her. I dont understand where she could have gotten that from. I sat with her in the hospital for hours on end while she treated me and the nurses horribly. I put up with her abusive attitude at home when she came home from the hospital the last 3 weeks of her life. I was there with her when she passed on. I was alwasy there when she was sick or needed me. I had to go on all kinds of meds because of the stress that i was having dealing with her horrible attitude. I love her and miss her dearly but i cant help being so angry. I have not taken this well. I am so lost. I lost my sister and dearest friend in the world and to find out that she did not feel the same way about me is devastating. I have been sleeping alot. My body feels so drained. She was such a controlling person. She had to control everything that everyone did. If i tried to do something on my own, she would go insanely mad. She would say things like"why am I even here for then if i cant do this?" Then to complain about it in her journal was very confusing. There were a couple of times the last few days that I really thought that I could not go on anymore. We barely have any heat in the house and we barely are able to even stay here. Finding another place has been impossible. I am so tired. I am sorry that I couldnt write better things in here. Or that I didnt have a better atitude. I wish that I was alot stronger. This has been way too much. Thank you everyone for listening. You are all in my prayers.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

another thing to share

Here is something that was sent to me that I would like to share. I will try to write in my journal later.


Power source

"I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. <DIV right??>Philippians 4:13 NLT

Man is never so tall as when he kneels before God—never so great as when he humbles himself before God. And the man who kneels to God can stand up to anything.

<DIV right??>Louis H. Evans<FONT size=3 -1??>1
<DIV right??>Isaiah 9:6-7 NLT


Hang in there

"Like most folks, the apostle Paul had his share of financial ups and downs. He speaks openly of his experience in the last few paragraphs of his letter to the church at Philippi. His comments are wise and helpful for anyone facing hard times, fiscal or otherwise.

He acknowledges having "plenty" on certain occasions and "almost nothing" in the way of financial resources at other times (Philippians 4:12). But notice that even in his bleakest moments, when his stomach was literally empty and growling, Paul's spirit was full (v. 11). Paul experienced genuine contentment in difficult times. How did he do this?

Paul relied on the strength of Christ to get him through. The verb translated "gives me…strength" means to infuse needed power into our souls. God's strength is a persevering kind of divine energy that can sustain you through economic difficulties or troubles of any kind.

Friday, November 9, 2007

something to share

Someone sent this to me. I thought that I would share this with everyone. God bless our soldiers and service men. May God bring them home safe and sound.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Supreme Sacrifice

Jesus said, "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."1

On November 11, 1918, "World War I ended when Germany, bereft of manpower, supplies and food, signed an armistice agreement. The war's tolls were at least 10 million dead, 6 million of them civilians, and 21 million wounded."

How tragic and insane war is. The carnage, the killing, the maiming for life, the emotional trauma and scars, the grief of loved ones all because one man or a few men have an insatiable thirst for power with the grandiose dream of conquering and ruling the world or a significant part of it.

But thank God that when such men rise to power, that our young men and women rise up to defend the rest of us and are willing to sacrifice their life in order to save ours.

Today we remember all service men and women with much thanksgiving and grateful hearts. Where would so many of us be today had it not been for these dedicated young men and women?

As another has said so well:

    "It is the soldier, not the reporter,
    Who has given us freedom of the press.
    It is the soldier, not the poet,
    Who has given us freedom of speech.
    It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
    Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
    It is the soldier,
    Who salutes the flag,
    Who serves beneath the flag,
    And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
    Who allows the protestor to burn the flag."

confused on what to do

I am so sconfused as to what to do. I went to see a rental trailor today. She wants 412 a month for rent which is way cheap. The trailor is small but it has heat. She seems like a wonderful landlord and said that we can bring our cat with us. We were afraid to have to take the cat away from my daughter. I dont know what to do. The trailor is far from town but so is the one we are living in. Its not a bad looking trailor. I guess I am going to have to take a deep breath and make up my mind what to do. Thank you all for your prayers. Lucille, you grandkids are just so adorable. You should be very proud.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

still trudging on

Just a little post to let everyone know that although things don't look so good in my favor that I am still trudging on. I am looking at a trailor for rent tomorrow. Maybe this will work out. Only God knows. Thank you for all your payers. Janie, I will continue to keep your daughter in my prayers.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

alot to think about

I thought I would share this with everyone. Lucille ,I am glad that you had a good doctor's appointment. Everyone is in my prayers.


I'm sorry please forgive me"

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me!
I don't mean to hold you up,"

"he said as he struggled to get off the escalator.

I'll admit to it. There have been times when walking or driving behind an older person I've gotten impatient and upset. I've huffed and zoomed around them because I was
in a hurry to get nowhere. Perhaps I'm more aware of it
now because I see myself there one day soon. Today I saw myself in this old man's shoes and it caused me to
slow down, stop and ask for his forgiveness.

He was about five or six people ahead of me. I was in a hurry and saw him as an obstacle. I've seen people get off
the end of an escalator and stop dead in their tracks, gather their things and suddenly there's a pile up of angry people behind them. You can't stop an escalator full of people behind you. Like the Energizer bunny, they keep on goin'.

This man was well aware of the challenge.
He tried desperately to step aside. Fumbling with his
small packages, struggling to gain his footing, you
could see how troubling this was for him.
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me! I don't mean to hold
you up," he said as he struggled to get off the escalator.

I suddenly saw this in a whole new light. It was like I
was watching my future. I felt sorry for him. I felt sick to
my stomach because this man was apologizing to everyone,
when we should have been helping him and calming
his fears.

One by one, people zipped around him. I heard a few angry comments whispered as one lady passed by him.

I saw me.

By the time I got to him he was just about steady on his feet.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know there was more," he said.

"No, sir. No more with me," I said. This really hit me hard.
I realized right then how sad it was that the world was in such a hurry. That, of course, included me. more with me. Count me out.

This wonderful man paid his dues. For whatever time he had spent on this earth, he most likely walked many rough roads and too many important miles. Now he should be apologizing for moving slower?

My heart ached as I looked into his eyes. I wished that
I could see what he had seen all those years. His face
weathered from life itself, was creased

And wrinkled. The small soft pockets under his eyes and the gentle lines that curved up and around them told me he had many happy moments, too. Those were traces left behind
from laughter and a smiling, happy man.

"My friend, can I help you with those things?" I asked.

Hesitant at first, he finally said, "Well, yes, thank you!"

I placed my hand under his left arm and walked with
him a safe distance away from the rush of people.

"So what are you shopping for, sir?"

"Oh, just a little something for my neighbor. She's a young mother raising kids on her own. She's always so nice to me.
I thought a box of candy for  Mother's Day..." he said, stopping suddenly as he searched his inside pocket of
his sport coat.

"Do you need something?" I asked.

"Oh, no. Here. I think I have it right here. I always carry them with me," he said. Then pulling out a hand full of papers he shuffled through them and  handed me a business card that read:

"John A. Pomicter Friend to all...enemy to no one! I said
a prayer today and you were the answer. Thank you!"

"That's for you," he said. "Thanks for stopping to
help an old man."

"My friend, you helped me. I discovered that I was
unhappy with the world and I was part of the problem.
Now I'll be part of the solution. No more with me!"

"Then this was meant to be," he said smiling.

"You know God sends me gifts every day and always at
least one special person. You were my gift for today!
Let's go get some chocolates, my Friend."

-- Author Unknown

another loss

I just found out that a friend of mine , Mike,from awhile ago passed away. He passed around the same time my sister did. From what my friend told me is that he had some problems that he just couldn't handle.

When I knew him , he was  a devout Christian. He went to church every week. He used to drag me there all the time. His church was so bright and loud. I kind of liked the excitement there. My second oldest son was only 3 years old and he was very quiet there because it was so colorful. Mike was always such an energetic guy. He looked as if he had it all together. He was a computer programmer. He made really good money. He was such a sweet guy. I always could go to him with any problem I had. He seemed so level headed. He met this woman in the church and they got married. Her and I didn't get along so well. She seemed very fake. They moved to Philly and that was  the last time time that I had spoken to him.

He apparently recently had gotten himself involved in drugs. He went to rehab for a year and was clean of drugs  for quite some time. Apparently he had a depression problem. I am not sure if he and his wife got divorces or not. I would imagine because he died alone in the house and no one found him for about three days. He had gotten pneumonia and did not bother to go the the hospital. He became septic and died of respiratory problems. I wish that I could have been there for him through his bad times. But we had grown apart. I will miss him though. He was only in his early 30's. I feel like all my friends are dieing. I am starting to be afraid of my own mortality. It scares me alot.

Well thought I would share that with everyone. I have to go and get on the phone for some help. I will let everyone know what it going on. Everyone is in my prayers. Stay warm.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

found some options to think about

Looked into some options on what to do. I picked up an application for HUD. That looked promising. Someone is going to call us about even getting a government loan for a house. The owner of the house we live in that we are owner financing is going to give us more time to get things together. Even though I dont feel like it is an option for us to stay here without atiquite heating, i am glad it gives me some more time to figure things out. I didnt do much calling today because I needed to get a lot of cleaning and laundry done. I am not out of the woods yet but I am better off than I was over the weekend. I am trying to keep a good attitude about it all. I will get through it. Thank you for all your comments. You all are great friends. I do take all of your advice very seriously. You all seem to know what you are talking about. I have taken all of your advice to try to stay around here. I think you are right about staying where my husband has the job. Thank you for all your prayers. Trust me, I need all the prayers I can get. You guys are great. I will keep everyone posted.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

going to church again tonight

I just wanted to comment on my last entry. I wasnt implying that anyone was going to judge me. I just had an experience downstate that made me think like that. The friend that I was staying with, I had basically given her the trailor she is in now and a car. My husband abandoned the trailor after i left and i had nothing else to do with it. Now she is living good with all kinds of stuff like the new Wii game and a satelite radio. She spends more money then anyone I have ever seen. I just thought that the least they could do for me is let me stay there when I needed a place to stay. They said I could but only gave me 2 months to find a new place. That doesnt give me enough to time to find a job and build up money to move. I shouldnt feel that way. I dont expect anything in return for an act of kindness.

early to church

I woke up this morning and left for church and hour early. I was there too early because I totally forgot to set my clock back. lol It worked out ok because I did my shopping before church instead of after church.

Things are very stressful here. I walked in on my husband crying. He said he is afraid that he will fail his family. We dont have much. We dont have cell phones are fancey satelite radios on our car. We have a high mileage car that we were lucky to get. We live in a falling apart trailor with no heat and soft spots n the floor. We want better for our children but this is what we have. But my husband works hard. He works at least forty hours a week sometimes more. His paycheck is little but he works hard making it. It would be very hard for me to get a job right now due to the distance away from town we are and the fact that I dont have a sitter for my son. I am just frustrated because I feel like everything I try to do for my family ends up failing. I had to move up here with my sister because I didnt have a place to live down there. My sister took me and my kids in her apartment when we found out that my husband at the time was abusing my daughter. When she moved up here, I had to come with her because there was no where else to go. She was nice enough to put my name on the property so that if something happened to her i would still have a place to stay. Before I moved in with her, She lived with me for a long time. Her ex husband took off and left her and she could not keep up with the rent at her place. I am sorry. Now I am rambling about things. I am so stressed out and scared. I dont know why my sister didnt pay mortgage on this property but she must have had a plan. I am not angry with her anymore. Anger isnt going to help my family. My worst fear of all is losing the kids. They are all I have. If I dont have a place to stay, they will take them.  I dont know what I would do if that would happen. My friend says that I can stay with her but i think that downstate is too busy for me. Everything is so expensive. I feel like such a loser. If I would have been better prepared this would not have happened. Sometimes I feel like my life just isnt worth living. I will keep everyone posted on what is going on. Thank you for all the kind comments.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Home again

I just got home last night from downstate. I am doing ok I guess. I still miss my sister but I am doing ok. We are packing up her things today. It looks as if we are going to have until the begining of december to find a place to go. It doesnt look hopeful but I keep in going. I put an application for low income housing but they said it would be a waiting list of about 18 to 24 months. I guess that is better than nothing. I am having panic attacks but tyring to keep things together for the family. My husband is so worried that sometimes he cries. I try to let him know everything will be ok so that he will feel better. I know that things are bad but I hate seeing him cry. Thank you for all your comments and prayers. Somehow we will get by. I hope to be able to actually have the time to comment on everyone else's journal. Thanks everyone

Thursday, November 1, 2007

downstate for funeral

I am staying at a friend's house until I can get home for the funeral. This is where I would like to move back down to but I dont know if I can afford it here. Things are more expensive and scary. All my friends and family are here though.
My friend said that I could stay with her until I find somewhere to go when I get here. I dont know how well that will go. I know she is trying to help but she has two adults and two children in a little trailor as it is.
My sister didnt pay the last 6 months of mortgage in our house. My husband and I were giving her our half of the money and she wasnt paying it. It wasnt like her to be like that. Something must have been wrong for quite some time. The mortgage holder says that we have to be out of the house by December 1st. I am scared for my family. I dont want to lise my children due to a lack of a place to go. I also dont want to be a burden to anyone by living with them.
My parents refuse to help me even though they have a huge house. They said they dont know what to tell me. They would let me be on the streets. My husband tries real hard,. He is a hard worker. He always has a job when there is one to have. He is working now.
I dont know why my parents cant help us. It has been ten years since I have even asked for thier help before. They would let me lose the kids to children services and still would not help me.
Oh well i guess that is just the way they are. Now on top of grieving for my sister's death I am also angry with her and what she has left we with. I dont know how she could have done this to us. I dont know why she did it. I feel as if i trusted her and she let me down. These are feelings that cant be resolved because she is no longer with us.
I hate feeling like this right now. I feel dread about going back home. I am isolated from everyone up there. I was happy up there until my sister passed away. She was all I knew up there. But on the same breath, coming down here is scary too. I dont know what to do. 1
I am very sorry about not commenting on anyone's journals. I barely had time to post this on mine. I am going to try to read some journals today. I hop everyone is doing good. Keep safe everyone and God Bless.

Monday, October 29, 2007

prayer request

Please pray for my son "CJ". He is confused about melissa's death and doesnt know what he wants or how to handle it. It breaks my heart to see him in such pain. It is a big change and alot to deal with. He wont lean on any of us at all. He is very angry.
I dont know what to do. I dont want to see him like that.

pushing on

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been reading thier journals but I have not had time to answer any of them. I am going to have to take the tedious journey to my sister's funeral on my own. My husband cant get off work so I am forced to deal with it alone. I am going to take the kids with me, however, because there wont be anyone to watch them while my husband is at work.
I know that it will be hard but I am trying to be strong for my kids. I found out some disturbing news that I have to deal with when i return. My sister did nto keep up with the mortgage like I thought she had. It looks like we will have to leave this house in December. I am not sure. I want to leave anyways. Her memory is all around me. I dont know how I am going to handle it while I am here. I lover her so much and relied on her alot for emotional support. She was the rock in my life.
I feel like a part of me is missing. It is killing me inside. And to be in this house that we shared hurts really bad. How will I cope with it? I moved up with her 4 years ago because it was her dream to live here. Our family is back home 5 hours away. My friends are also back there.
Now that she is gone, I feel as if I dont belong here anymore. This was her dream. She is gone now so now I have to live on. I went to church on sunday morning and then again on sunday evening. The pastor looked at me and asked if I was alright. I bursted in tears and said no. The pastors wife went and talked to me in her office. The words that she said were comforting. She said the worst is to come. The fineral will be the worst day. That is the day when I have to say goodbye to my dearest sister .
My heart sinks everytime I think about what I have to go through. My oldest daughter is spending the day with me on wednesday. Then I will be spending the night with my friend. She and I are going to take her kids and my kids out trick or treating so that they dont have to miss out.
My sister wants us to be happy although I cant right now. There is a whole in my heart that may never be filled. I know she is in a better place but I still miss her and want her back. I have to admit however that I cant wait until the funeral is over. The hard part is returning to our house without her. I will have to leave her behind. My 29 year old sister is gone and I have to come to terms with that.
I feel like my life is ending but I know that it isnt. I know I have to go on. But right now I feel like I cant. Thank you all for all your kind words of support. I will be thinking about you and praying that you all will stay safe. I most likely wont be able to post until after the funeral. I am leaving tomorrow morning at 10 am for the worst time of my life.
I will post and let everyone know when I am home.

Friday, October 26, 2007

trying to go on with life

Thank you very much for all your prayers. I have my ups and my downs.Right now I have my wits about me. In an hour or less I could be laying on the floor crying in pain. I have such ups and downs.  It feels like all a dream. I know that she was sick for a long while but nobody expected this. We are all in shock. I was there when she passed away and I cant get it out of my mind. She was so scared. I tried to console her by telling her to breath slower and by telling her that she would be ok. I feel like I lied to her. I know I might have said it many times but that is how I feel.I saw her take her last breath and her eyes rolled up in her head. I cant get that out of my mind.  My aunt said that she wont be happy unless I am happy and go on with my life. She said that if I pray to God that Melissa will here me. My aunt said a prayer with me over the phone and told me that she wished she could give me a big hug. This is so hard. I was very fragile emotionally before this and now I feel that I might have been pushed over the edge. Thank you for all your prayers. It feels better to know that people care about me. I will try my best to keep updating my journal. But with funeral plans and everything I dont know when. Thanks again for your support.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

my sister passed away


My sister passed away today. I was with her when she died. I dont know what to say because my emotions are all messed up. I dont even know how to feel . I feel angry at God for taking her, I feel angry at her for not taking better care of herself, I feel lonely and depressed. I feel guilty because I know that she is now in a better place and I want her so bad to come back home. my sister was only 29 years old. I am 37. I was the one who was supposed to go first. My emotions are going in all directions like a roller coaster. She was a very caring person who took everything on herself. She would give the shirt off her back for someone in need especially her family. I will write more later tomorrow. I think I need to rest some for awhile. God Bless.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A proud moment

I went to the high school this afternoon for a meeting for my son's IEP. My son has always been in special education classed since he was in elementary school. He is now in 9th grade. He has worked very hard to get to where he is now. They are taking him out of special education and putting him in regular classes. My son has AD/HD. He used to take meds for it but now he has learned how to handle it without meds. I am so very proud. The teachers had nthing bad to say about him. They said he was a joy to have in class. I know that it is his big accomplishment but I cant help feel that it is my big accomplishment as well. I am so proud of him.

I know I have shared this before but here is a pick of my son.

I hope everyone is doing well. I will keep everyone in my prayers.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Still struggling but I am in a better mood

I still have not figured out my car problem. But my mother said she would try and lend me some money. I am trying to keep a cool mind about this and trust in the Lord that he will get me through it. Life can be hard that is for sure. Everything else is going ok. The kids are all doing well and they are healthy. That is what really matters to me. We are busy getting their costumes ready for Halloween. My son is going to dress up like a little devil and my daughter is going to be a fairy. I will share pictures after Halloween. My sister is still not able to use her right leg. She is still pretty much confined into the wheel chair. She is getting very frustrated that she wont be able to walk again. I told her that she will and that she will have to be patient. I have rented a movie tonight and I am going to take a hot bath and relax and watch the movie. At least I am going to try and relax.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

shraing something

Hello I have been having some rough times. I havent really had the time or the energy to write in my journal. I am working through things though. When I fix one thing, two more things break. I now am without a car with three children. I live out in nowhere so this has been horrible. We are looking for a car but i have to borrow money from my mother. I dont think she is very happy about it. This was such a bad time for my car to go. I guess there never is a good time. I am trying to keep a good attitude although somedays I am very depressed. I know I have to stay strong. I hope everyone is doing ok.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Feeling somewhat better today

I just want to start by saying thank you for the comments on my last journal. Yesterday I think I was the downest I have ever been in my life. I have not been well. My body hurts and I am so tired all the time. I am really a very caring person. I dont really give anyone any trouble. I would give anyone my last penny if they needed it. I am very good about things like that. It's very hard to explain. I am not relaly a people person but I dont want to see anyone suffer or be hurt. My heart is always heavey when i read things in the paper or hear it in the news about someone getting hurt or killed. Anyways, I am going to try to think of something happy or funny everyday and try to write it in my journal. I am sorry about the gloomy post yesterday. I guess I had to vent some bad feelings out. I hope everyone is doing ok. I will continue to keep everyone in my prayers. Here is a funny cartoon to close my journal.


Sunday, October 7, 2007


Things have been happening to me one after the other. My car has broke down and I have absolutely no money to fix it. My husband has bad pains and he had blood in his urine. I am so scared. He has had this before and it has come back. My dog was hit by a car this morning. The lady who hit him came up my driveway to tell me she hit him. I flipped on her. I shouldnt have but these people drive 50 miles an hour up and down the street. It is a dirt street and it just upsets me. I yelled at her and told her that she should slow down. She is one of my neighbors and I am not sure which one. I now understand that I dont belong anywhere. I dont have any friends. I just dont know what to say to people. I am not socialable. I think I would go a steo further to say that most people dont like me much. I have alot of emotional problems and I think that it contributes to the problem. I am so depressed and so upset all the time. I really feel that Gad has left me. I dont blame him. He has more important things to deal with. I try to talk to my mother and all i get is"stop feeling sorry for yourself and do what you have to do". I dont feel sorry for myself. I honestly feel as if I am a burden to everyone in my family..  I am always crying and I am always tired. I tried taking medicne but that didnt go well. I had bad side affects. It was a shame because the medicine was starting to help me emotionally. I cant win. I feel very drained. I know alot of my online friends have alot more problems than me. I feel very guilty for feeling like this. I am not sure whether or not I will be posting on my journal anymore. I dont quite know how to explain this. I dont ever have anything good to write in my journal because i feel so horrible inside all the time. I dont want to only write bad things so i feel as if I shouldnt write at all. I read all of your journals and you guys always have something happy and nice to write. I think that is wonderful. All of you guys deserve nice things to happen to you. I hope everything goes well for all of you. I have met the nicest most caring people that I have ever known on here. I admire everyone's good attitude. I want to say thank you for being there for me.It is comforting that amoungst all these rude and uncaring people that there are some that are still caring and understanding.  (((HUGS))) I will pray for all of you. Well I am going to go and lay down for awhile. My head is spinning. Take care everyone and stay safe.....Christine

Friday, September 28, 2007

Sister is home

My sister came home today. I have to take care of her here at home. The doctor said that she will get better but now she cat even walk. She is so scared that she wont walk again. I am trying to take care of her and run my household. Please pray for me that I will have he strenghth and indurance  physically and take care of everything. I am so stressed and afraid that I wont be able to take care of everyone properly. Please pray for my sister to get better and to have faith that she will get better. She is so sad. It hurts to see her in pain. Thank you everyone for your prayers. Everyone wil be in my thoughts an prayers.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

things a little better

Last night was horrible. My sister called a hundred times until about 1 am. She was yelling at me and just being plain mean. Everytime I got off the phone with her, I would just start crying. I didnt know what to do. I cant make it better. I am doing what I can for her. I sat in the hospital yesterday all day . I have not seen my husband more than a passing glance for the last couple of days. I havent even seen my children much.

I went to see her today. She was doing somewhat better. Her mood was better and she was not as depressed. I kow she is scared and I am scared for her too. I am hurting right now too. Thank you for all your prayers. I will keep everyone posted.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

My sister isnt doing well

Thank you for all the comments. I am so sorry that I have not commented on anyone's journal lately. My sister found out that she has a fragmnent of bone stuck in her back. She is still in the hospital and may need surgery. She is not doing well mentally. She had a break down in the hospital today and strted yelling and crying because she wants to die. She told me to that I should forget about her and she broke up with her husband. She says that she has nothing to give me. I had to leave and go to the waiting room and just take deep breaths. I was with her all day today at the hospital and I am very tired emotionally and physically. Then I had to come home with three kids who were just being bad. I am going to take a hot bath and relax. I need it. I feel so lost and upset. I will write more later. I cant even think anymore. Thank you for all your prayers.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Sister in hospital

I dont have much time to post but I wanted to write a little bit. My sister went back into the emergency room today because her legs went totally numb. I drove her to the hospital and she was screaming in pain. They kept her over night for tests. She is in so much pain. It is really hard to see her like that. They gave her some morphine and volume to help with her pain. They said she may have a slipped disk. I will update more later, I have to get to bed and get up early to go to the hospital. I hope everyone is doing well.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Spent the day at the hospital


I had to take my sister to the hospital this morning. She had horrible back pain and couldnt even move. We had to get her to the car and to the hospital. She was crying by the time we got there. She was in so much pain. They gave her some pain medicince by IV and she felt alot better. She is home now and still in pain but she is doing better. We were in the emergency room for about 5 hours. There were alot of people there today. Tonight we are eating and easy take out meal and resting. Tomorrow i have to get some cleaning done. I hope everyone is doing well.


A joke for everyone

I have been feeling loopy from my new medicine. I havent really had time to even get online for very long. I had so many messages and journals to read. I dont really have time to post right now but thought that I would share this joke. I hope everyone is having a great day.

A woman went to her local clinic, where she was seen by a young new
Doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her
She was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older
Doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her
Story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor
Marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old,
She has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she
Was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
Said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Friday, September 21, 2007

Less stress

Well the medicine the doctor gave me is working but it is giving me chest pains. Go figure. I am going to call the doctor on monday and see what she says about it. I have been feeling calmer than i usually do. My husband is working his last 12 hour night tonight. Thank goodness!! I miss him so much and cant wait to spend more time with him. He is definitely the love of my life even though there are times when we argue and try to avoid each other.

I finally found a home for one of my dogs. He was too much for me given what is going on right now in my house. He was a very destructive little puppy. I say puppy but he was 2 years old. He went to a lady who actually bought his brother the same time we got him. His brother does the same thing so I am confident that she can handle him just fine. I think the turning point for me deciding that finding a home for him was a good thing was when I came home from taking my son to football. He tore up the crate that he was in and got out and tore up some of my things. Right now is not a good time for me to deal with that. So I made the hard decision to say goodbye. You have to understand that i loved that dog so much that I had pictures of him on my wall just like I do my children. He was very special to me but my kids have to come first and my health and my stress level could not handle that very well. If anyone wants to adopt a dog, I would suggest that they do not adopt a American Bulldog because they are horrible at destroying things.

Tomorrow I am going to do some relaxing. I don't do much housework on the weekends because the kids are here to mess it up right after I clean it. They are like little tornadoes messing up everything in their path. lol Well speaking of my little tornadoes, I have to go and make supper.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A story to share

Someone e-mailed this to me and I thought that I would put it here in my journal. I really liked it and it made me think. Hope everyone enjoys it.


I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask , "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building whenno one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam . He was puzzled and ask ed the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers (and fathers), we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible wome


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

New medicine

I know it has been awhile since I have posted a journal page. Alot has been going on. I have been more depressed than ever. I finally gave in and went to see the doctor. She put me on xanax for panic attacks and effexor for my depression. I guess everything really caught up with me. My youngest daughter is having problems in school. The councilor thinks there may be something wrong with her. I think she just needs to apply herself more. I dont see my husband very much anymore. He has been working 12 hour nights. He goes in at 1pm and doesnt get home until 1 am. By the time he gets home, I am bed sleeping. He doesnt get out of bed until about 11 then he has to leave to got o work at 12. I guess it is taking a toll on our marriage. I feel like I am alone when it comes to the kids. I am really lonely. I miss my husband and the way we used to be. We havent really hugged and kissed each other in a long while. The house is a total mess. I have been running the kids to doctor's appointments and sports events all week. I feel as if I need to be two people. I am the only one who goes to my son's football games and my daughter's concerts. Gees I feel all worn out.

On a brighter note, we are signing papers for our new house tomorrow. Although it will be really hard to come up with the money to pay for it, it is really something that we needed to do. The house is costing us 55,000. It is a very small house but in really good shape. We have a small yard and a very nice neighbor. We will be close to the school and walking distance to the park and the store. It will make life easier. plus most important, It has heat.

I don't know about you but I have noticed that people are acting alot diffeent than they used to. People are more judgemental and just plain out and out rude. The way people talk to each other anymore is just horrible. I had some bad experiences with people this last week. I have had people cut in front of me and not say excuse me. I have had people just have a cold attitude towards me. Sometimes I think that people in general just dont like me. Maybe it is just in my head.

Well I guess I better close this before i write a book lol


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Good news


The last couple of days have brought me some good news and some not so good news. The good news is that we found a loan for our new house. It may take a month or two to get everything in order but things look good. The bad news is that I can only take two dogs with me so one of my babies have to go. I chose Domino because he tends to be destructive. He is a loving dog but very high matanance.(sorry for the bad spelling) I will miss him dearly but my family has to come first.

The bad news is that my husband now has to work hours a day. He found that out last night. He has a bad back and has a hard time working the 8 hours he worked before. This is mandatory or they will fire him. We are not happy because he wont ever see the kids or me. Tonight I am up late because I cant sleep without him. He usually gets home at 11 now he wont get home until 2 am. Right now it is ok because my sister lives next door but when I move , I will be all alone. The good news is that we wil have extra money to get bills paid. I guess there is light in every dark situation. Yesterday I was in a bad emotional state. I cried alot and didn't even brush my hair right or get into descent clothes. Today I feel a bit better. It's been a roller coaster ride for me emotionally. One day I am happy, one day I am neutral and ten another day I am sad. I am hoping that when I move I feel alot better. Right now I am out in the middle of nowhere where I cant really get anywhere without driving a hundred miles. The house we want to move into is in town. I will be able to walk the kids and dogs to the park. Or I will be able to walk to the store. It will be so nice. Plus I will be able to get involved in more social things(if I can get o ver my social anxiety). Well I am going to try to lay down and go to bed. I hope all is well for everyone.


Monday, September 10, 2007



I am really tired tonight but I cant seem to fall asleep. I decided to get on here for a couple of minutes. Someone e-mailed me this so I thought I would share it with everyone. I had a really hard day but i just hoope tomorrow will be better.


Where Was God on 9-11-01?

"Where have you laid him?" he [Jesus] asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him."1

The question: Where was God when my baby sister died suddenly? ... When my husband died in the prime of life? ... When my child was kidnapped, murdered, and raped? The question is as old as Job and as fresh as today. So many asked where was God on this day
September 11, 2001—when terrorists destroyed the New York trade towers and smashed into the Pentagon killing some three thousand people.

So where was God? God was and is where he always was and is. He was present. He knew it all. He saw it all. And I believe that as Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died, so also he wept grievously on this tragic day as he does when all senseless tragedies happen.

Did God cause it to happen? No, never! Did he know it would happen? Yes, he did. Why didn't he stop it? And why didn't he stop Hitler massacring millions of Jews and why didn't he stop Stalin and others who have slaughtered millions? And why doesn't he stop rapists, kidnappers, and murderers ... and terrorists ... and suicide bombers ... and all wars?

For the simple reason that he has given mankind a free will to choose—either to follow and obey Him or to go our own sinful, and often evil way. It's mankind's choice. It is every single individual's choice. God never created or wanted puppets on a string. We all have been given a free will. The fact is that God is where he always was. He never left us. We, as a human race, left him. When tragedies occur, the question should not be, "Where is God?" but "Where are we?"

However, when we choose and go the way of evil, the heart of God grieves ... in fact, because God cared for and loved us so much is why he gave his Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, to die for our sins and deliver us from evil and from sin's eternal consequences—hell and eternal separation from him
the source of all love and life.

Yes, Jesus wept on this day in 2001, and I believing he grieved with the thousands of others who also grieved on this day because their heart was torn with grief
—and he still grieves with all who are suffering today and every day because of mankind's acts of senseless evil.

As the hymn writer expressed in words to this effect:

   Does Jesus care?
   O yes he cares,
   I know he cares,
   His heart is touched with my grief,
   The long hours weary
   So sad and dreary
   I know my Savior cares.


I hope everyone enjoyed that. I hope everyone is doing good. I am going to go now and hopefully be able to sleep. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Nite....Christine

Sunday, September 9, 2007

quiet day

I am hoping to have a quiet day today. I do have to make myself get some cleaning done. I am not much of s housewife I guess. I hate cleaning, laundry and cooking. But I get it done anyways. I am hoping to be able to get out and walk the dogs. I have to give Bear his ear medicines. He is sick all the time. He has an auto immuine disease from being mistreated by his old owners he was put in a pen with too many other dogs when he was just a baby. His mother had to feed him and 12 other puppies, some of them not hers. He did not get enough of his mother's milk to give him the amount of antibodies that he needed. Now he gets sick alot. Fortunetly we have a vetenarian who treats him real cheap. Yesterday with all the medicines and the shot he gave him and the check up itself, he only charged me 40.00. Anywhere else around here it would have been more like 140.00. I guess i am lucky in that way.

Well I am going to go and try to get some cleaning accmplished. I hope all is well.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

very tired but not a bad day

Hello everyone.... i washed my new bunny and brushed her out real good. She is just a doll baby. I am so glad that I decided to take her in. This is what my bunny looks like. The other bunny isnt as friendly but i have been working on her. I was reluctant to take her in when my friend couldnt keep her anymore. Now I am glad that I did. I think she is a permanant part of our family.

I didnt get much sleep last night. I might have gotten three hours tops. My husband works second shift most of the time but today he worked 6am-2pm. He worked last night 3pm-11pm..I wait up for him to get home from worj and by the time we went to bed we didnt get much sleep at all. I am exhausted. I had to get up early and take my dog "Bear" to the vetenarian. He has a very bad ear infection. The vet gave him ear drops and some anitbiotics. I felt so sorry for him last night. He was whining and crying all night. I gave him an aspirin but that was the best i could do for him. Today he seems to feel alot better. He is prone to skin irritations so summer really isnt the best seasonf ro him. I cant wait until winter. He will do better when it is cold out.

Not much else has been going on. My sister is over making tacos tonight for dinner. She is the cook of the family. I cant cook at all. My husband says I can but I really dont know how to make much. I make a good meat loaf, cumcumber salad, and I make killer deviled eggs (so I have heard). Maet loaf night my family cant get enough of it. They all love it. Especailly what my family calls the pan crispies. lol... I am going to go lay down before dinner. I hope everyone is doing good

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Bunny is co cute

The one bunny that I took in for my friend is so adorable. I will have to take a picture of her. She has long gray hair. She is just beautiful. She is so attentive to things that go on around her. The other bunny just sits there and eats and hides. She puts her feet on the side of the cage wanting someone to come and talk to her. She lets you pick her up and even cuddle with her. She is a very calm bunny. I look over several times and she is staring at me trying to see what I am doing. She is so funny. She has put a much needed smile on my face today. They are really no problem to care for so I think I am going to permently keep them. The other bunny is scared and very jittery but I think she will calm down eventually. I would find a home for the one but then they would miss each other.

Everything went ok today. Nothing terrible happened or anything. I woke up early this morning and did the dreaded grocery shopping. I usually like to shop but this morning for some reason I didn't want to go. But I did ok. I tried to get more healthy foods this time. I cut out the "bad for you" snacks out all together and bought more veggies and fruit. I really need to lose alot of weight. I find it hard to lose weight. I am not very good at dieting. I find myself cheating frequently. I need to lose about 135 pounds. I weigh about 284 and I am about 5'7" tall. I know if I lose the weight I will feel alot better but sometimes I just cant stop eating. I used to be really thin when I was younger but after I had my second child, I just didn't lose the weight. I have been heavy since then. i hate the way I look but mostly I just hate the way I feel all the time. I am going to try harder to follow a good eating habit.

Sorry if there are any typos. My cat decided that now is the time to sit on me while I am trying to type. He never wants to sit with me when I am not doing anything. It is always when I am doing something. He is just too cute for me to make him get down . lol So I just try to type around him. lol...I will have to share some pics when I get some put on the computer. I have discs of pictures but I can never find the time to load them on here. Well i think I am going to go try to lay down and sleep. I usually wait up for my husband to get home but I am just way too tired tonight. I hope everyone is well..Take care

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

New Bunnies

My friend had to move away and had nowhere to take her bunnies. She tried to find homes for them but couldnt. I ended up taking them in. There are two of them. One is a lion's head lop earred bunny, and the other one is a mini rex. They are small and they seem easy to take care of. They are quiet and very friendly. I gave them some vegies and they thought this was the best thing. One ate a piece of pepper out of my hand. The lion's head lop has long hair. She is so pretty. The other one is brown with short hair. I kow I didnt need anymore pets but I couldnt see them go to the spca shelter where they would sit and then be put to sleep. They are not hard at all to care for. My youngest son loves them. Mayeb I can get him involved in helping to care for them. They say kids with pets learn responsibilty,even if it is a small mouse.

Everything here is ok for now. My husband and I have been having some problems. We dont talk as much about anything. We have been snapping at each other about things. We have a difference of opinion on how to raise the children. That doesnt help things much. We have been through rough spots before. I guess we will get through it again. One thing is he gets tied of me laing in bed alot. When I get depressed I tend to stay in bed longer and not do as much cleaning.

Well I have to go and pick up my daughter form the bus stop. I am gong to take her to the park for awhile. I hope all is well with every one.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

a very nice man

I know I just posted an entry but I decided to tell everyone what a very nice man is doing for me. His name is David. He knows that me and the family are going through alot. He is taking us to his storage shed to give me some clothes that his daughter out grew and that my daughter could fit into. He also has toys for my kids and some household stuff we will need in our new house,if we can mange to get the house. I am praying for that. Anyways, this man is so sweet.

Here I had found out that I had given his daughter some extar furniture that we had and soem baby clothes and furniture  that she needed. So he decided to help me out. I am Thankful there is still some caring people out there. With all the stories I here on the news, the world seems like such an uncaring place. Well I thought I would share that. I hope all of you are doing well. I will most likely post later. I am addicted to this posting stuff. lol....Christine

Yard sale blunder

Something really awful happened. I feel really horribel about it even today. Yesterday evening people were putting free stuff out from the big yard sale weekend. My sister and I drive around for something to do to see what poeple put out for free. Well there was this box of stuff out by the road. It had match box cars and playstation games in it. It was right at the road and it had old blankets on the top so I thought it was free. My husband even went to the door and knocked to  ake sure it was free. Noone answered. So we took the box of stuff. Well later in the day, my sister drove by the house again and there was people outside still having a yard sale. I took something that wasnt free by accident. I feel so bad about it. I dont know what to do. I am not a theif. I didnt mean to do it. My sister said that the box looked free and that they should not have had it up against the road like that. I never saw a yard sale set up like that. I am tossing around the thought of taking them back even though it is very embarrassing especially since it is the next day. I am very upset about this. Does anyone have any advice for me??

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Not bad day

Well I had a good time with my mother yesterday. We got along very well. We went yard saleing all day. My mother loves yard saleing too. I guess it runs in the family. I spent the night with her in the motel with the kids. There really isnt much room in my small trailer for her to comfortably sleep. We had a great time. Lasy night we went to see the movie Underdog with the kids. This morning we woke up and went out to breakfast before she left for home. I am worried about her though. She looks so tired and depressed. I am very worried about her.

Today my sister and I went out to the store. On the way there was this free box so we stopped and looked in to see what it was. Here is was a little kitten. About 2 feet away there was a dead, and half eaten mother cat. All that was there ws the back legs and tail. It was horrible. I almost threw up. I grabbed the kitten immediatly and took him home. He is so tiny. I didnt want another cat but I just couldnt let him stay there in that box. I dont know why people treat animals like that. Our last cat we found under the pavillon in a park abandoned. I cant understand people. I could never dump off any animal like that.

While i was on the subject, I thought I would share this cartoon that I had sent to me. My rottweiler had a rough start as well. My son came home one day and told me that his friend had puppies that she needed to place in homes and he begged me for one. I said no for awhile and then I gave in. I called her and got directions to get up there. When we got up there, we saw the  14 puppies in a tiny pen outside with two big rottweilers, a Chihuahua, and some other smaller dog.  They were in mud with only one tiny dog house for all of them to use. The puppies were so scared. We picked out Bear. We took him home and he was covered in fleas. We flea dipped him immediatly and then went to the Vetenarian the next day the purchase stringer flea medicine.He cried in pain all night. We took him for shots  and care the very next day and the vet said he had a really bad bacterial skin infection. It took a month of antibiotics and lots of skin medicine to clear it up. He still, to this day, does not have hair on some of his body. There is permanent damage to skin and the hair wont grow. He has to have sweaters in the winter. I just dont understand how people can be so cruel. I dont even know why they have pets at all.

I am going to go now and relax after a busy couple of days.I bought the movie "Overboard" with Golid Hawn and Kur Russel at a yard sale. I am going to lay down and watch it. Just looking at Kurt Russel is worth it all. lol Just kidding. As always, Thanks for listening. I hope all is well for everyone.

Friday, August 31, 2007

visiting with my mother

My mother is up from downstate visiting. Tomorrow we are going to go yard sale shopping and out to dinner. My mother and I don't really get along most of the time but I am always excited to see her when she comes up to visit. She lives 5 hours away downstate towards Philadelphia. I only get down there during the Christmas holidays. I used to live down there before my sister and I moved up here.

My mother sometimes can be a bit harsh. She likes to criticize alot of things I do and she doesn't really take anything I say seriously. She is a very controlling person. She tries to run every thing that me or any of my children do. She has these comments that she throws at me that hurt. It is hard to explain how she does it. It is sort of a mumble that I can hear if that makes sense. My parents have so much money that it isn't funny. My father buys his cars right out. My grandmother left them a bunch of money. They have over 200,000 in the bank. But yet my mother won't loan me any money to get this house thing started for us. I have never borrowed any money from her ever. There was one incident where they lost alot of money because of me. It wasn't my fault but my parents don't see it that way. It would take me forever to explain the whole thing in detail so I will try to make it as quick as possible.

The awful thing that happened 5 years ago

My ex husband and I lived in a trailer downstate that my parents cosigned for me and my ex husband to get a loan for. After we were there for two years, my father had an idea to get a personal loan out in his name so that our interest would be lower and we would just give the money to them. I begged my dad not to do it. The way the trailer was set up at that time was that is if my ex didn't pay the loan the trailer would be taken away to pay off the remainder of the loan.. My parents didn't listen. They put the trailer solely in my ex's name and they paid off the trailer with their loan. All was well for a year or so and then the bad things started to happen. My ex started to get abusive to  me. My oldest daughter went to live with my parents. My ex was the sole bread winner of the house. He had no driver's license so I had to drive him back and forth to work which didn't allow me to get a job. Well My parents told me that I should kick him out and keep the trailer to myself. I could not pay the bills there. I would have had to pay lot rent and the loan that my parents had gotten for the trailer. I had to move out of there with my children to live with my sister. I had no money to pay back the loan and my ex gave the trailer away to his friend. I had no money to pay back the loan and he wasn't going to pay it so my parents ended up paying off the loan themselves. My parents knowing that I was being abused are still mad at me for not paying off that trailor at the time.. I know it is confusing. I tried to explain it the best I could. There was so much going on at the time it was overwhelming. I lost my house and some of my belongings and my parent's respect all at once. Then I was alone. That was when my self esteem really went to it's all time low.


That was pretty much the story. There is alot more to it but I could write all night and I still couldn't write all the horror that was going on. He was such a horrible man. I hope no one looks at me bad. But I did what I thought the right thing was. I ended up living with him again for about a year just so he would sign the divorce papers . You would have to know him to understand why. I was so messed up in the head. My oldest daughter stayed living with my parents. I moved where I am today and he left me a year later. That was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I have not spoken to him since. That is when I started dating my husband that I have now. We talked on the Internet 5 years prior to us meeting. We were very good friends. After we met for the first time, we just decided that we would like to  be more than just friends. About six months later we were married. My mother loves my present husband,Robert. He is a great guy. She loves him more than me. I still look forward to seeing her.

I have gotten off the phone with my mother plenty of times crying. She can be very harsh and very uncaring sometimes. I don't even thinks she realizes she does it. I better go before I write a book. I hope all is well for everyone. I hope I didn't confuse anyone or make them not want to talk to me anymore. That time of my life was not the highlight of my life that is for sure. I am a different person now but i still feel the low self esteem. I will always be struggling with horrible memories. Thanks for listening everyone. God Bless.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

My husband is a blessing

I was up until 5 am last night in stomach pain. I am still in pain today. I have been through this before and it does go away after awhile. I have always had a very sensitive stomach. I am on prevacid so that should help a bit. It just gets annoying when I have kids and animals to take care of and I feel so sick. I am going to get a hot bath before my husband goes to work. He had to take off work on monday because I was in so much pain. I felt bad because we needed the money but I couldnt really do much.


The little picture is of me and my husband. The bigger picture is a picture of my husband and our dog.

My husband is such a great guy. He takes care of me when I am sick and he deals with my attitude that I sometimes get when I am in pain. I dont know what I would do without him. He is defenetly one of God's blessings to me. I have had bad experiences with men in the past. He is the first guy that I have known who has treated me with respect and love. He always put me before himself. For the first time ever, I think that I have found someone who truly loves me.

Well I guess I will go take that hot bath now. Hopefully it will help me relax. I know that most of my physical problems have to do with stress and depression. I am sure I will write more later.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I had this e-mailed to me by God's Daily Promise. I liked it and thought I would share it with everyone.

1. Healing Life's Hurts

Jesus asked, "Do you want to be made whole/well?"1

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly around frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won't even try to escape. Somehow they have been conditioned "to feel and believe" that there is no escape. They just keep circling in the cramped jar.

Many people are like this. Somewhere in their past, through a frightening and traumatic experience, such as being raped, sexually, physically, or emotionally abused or rejected as a child, they have been conditioned to believe at an unconscious level that they, too, are trapped and that there is no way out of their dilemma. And they end up going in circles with their life and/or relationships.

To be freed from this endless cycle of defeat, those of us who have been abused need the healing touch of God—and want it with all of our heart. As a general rule God uses other people to bring this healing. It begins with acknowledging our problem (often best detected by the symptoms we experience), genuinely wanting to be healed, being willing to face the agony of confronting these painful memories and damaged emotions, and getting the help we need (qualified counseling is often needed). Most important of all, start with praying the right prayer such as the following:

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that you care about my pain and where I have been hurt in my past. In many ways my life is in chaos and I have failed miserably in my closest relationships. Please give me the courage to face any and all painful memories, connect to them and bring them to the light for your healing. Please lead me to the help I need whatever that may be. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

1. John 5:6.

Early start

Well I had to get up early this morning to pick up my cat from the vetenarian. He is doing ok but hopefully won't have the desire to mark his territory anymore. He is being quite which is defenetly not like him. lol Ususally he is bothering me while I am trying to type. It was a break from last night till now from him climbing on the keyboard or bothering me when I am trying to read. lol. I did miss him though and I am glad that he is ok.

I am so tired today. I have to call and deal with this woman on the phone about my welfare case. I can't wait to be able to get off it totally. One person tells me to just send in my husbands new paystubs.So I dropped them off.  And then I get this paper saying my welfare is gong to shut down because I didnt send in the right info. I am very confused. I am not going to be talked down too today though. I am just not going to put up with that anymore. I am a person too even though I need assistance right now.

Now I get to lay down a bit and watch TV in peace until my daughter gets home from school. Then I have to get supper ready and pick my son up at football.

This is a picture of my son in his football uniform.

Well I guess I should go and get some things done before I lay down. I will probably post more later tonight.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Not feeling well




Above is a picture my youngest daughter drew for me. She always knows how to make me smile.

My oldest daughter e-mailed me from college today. That was a big surprise. I really thought she would be too busy to e-mail me. She is having the time of her life. But she is very serious about her learning. She is going to be a nurse. I am so very proud of her.

Here is a picture of my oldest daughter. She is a wonderful woman who is going to go far in life.
I had a hard time last night. I was up with shoulder pain so bad that I thought that I was going to have to go to the hospital. Finally it dulled down but I have been in pain since last night. My stomach hurts realy bad tonight. I have always had stomach problems. It runs in the family. That is one of the few things I have inherited that I wish I didnt lol. Well I am going to go lay down for the night. Hope everyone has a great night.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

5 things to be thankful for

I had a good weekend even though my car is having some issues. It keeps shutting itself down. My brother in law thinks it is the computer. I can deal with that if that is the worst it is. I am keeping calm. I had a hard time falling asleep last night but I stay up alot at night worrying. I wish I could kick that habit. Anyways...
I know I mentioned it before but my friend had told me to write down every morning five things that I am thankful for. She said I should do it the first thing when I get up. I decided to share my five things in my journal.
1) My children...some woman cant have children. I feel lucky that I am blessed with so wonderful, caring ,healthy, and loving children.
2) my husband..not everyone finds the love of thier life. I was married three times prior to this to abusive men. I finally found a wonderful and loving man. If there was such thing as soul mates, he would be mine.
3) My dogs and cats... They love me no matter what mood I am in. They listen to me when I need a friend to talk to. I hope no one thinks I am crazy but somtimes I think they actually listen to me. They are wonderful companions.
4) my house...even though it is falling apart. Some people dont even have a roof over thier heads. I am thankful for that.
5) my husband's job... people in this area struggle for jobs. We are thankful that he has one even if it is small.
6) my sister and brother in law...they are always there for me and love me no matter how loopy I get lol. I love them both dearly.
Well I realized that I could go on and on. God has blessed me. I still want to provide my family a better place to live but I am trying to be thankful for what I have. I need to learn patience. lol (which is something I am not good at)
Tomorrow I am dropping my cat off to get fixed. The vet is helping with costs. He is a wonderful Vetenarian. He is one of the few who are still in it for the animals and not the money. He is great with them and sometimes recomends home remedies for some sickness. It works most of the time. He is an old fashioned Vet. We will miss him when he retires. My cat had to get fixed..He decided to grow up and start marking his territory. Although it doesnt smell too bad righ tnow because he is little, it will get worse. We are nipping it at the bud so to speak.
I have to go now and get the kids bathed and ready for thier first day of school tomorrow. Thank you everyone for listening. God Bless everyone.