Monday, June 30, 2008

still hopeful

Hello everyone. I am doing ok I guess. I really havent been feeling well so I really havent felt like posting in my journal. I have a real bad tooth ache. I am on antibiotics and some pain medicine. I guess I am a big baby but I hate toothaches worse than anything. The pain is right there in your head. They arent going to pull the tooth out until August 15th. I wish they could do it sooner. I have spent the last couple of days hanging out in bed. It hasnt helped that all it is doing here is rain , rain , and more rain. We are all stuck in the small trailor and it is hectic. I have been trying to relax and get my stress leval down a bit. So far I still have my medical coverage for perscriptions. Maybe It will stay afterall. I am hoping so. I have been trying to do some research online about getting the mortgage paid up on and some help with the taxes. If I can get myself back on track, I will do fine. I am trying to have a good attitude about things.  I just want some sunshine and I think that I will feel better. I love taking walks and being outside. My mother is coming to pick up the kids for a week and a half on the 10th. I will miss them but I need the break. She wants me to come too but I think I will stay home and just enjoy the quietness but on the othe hand, it would be nice to get away.

Chewy is doing well but I think I am going to have to find a new home for him. He is growling at the kids and the other dogs. I dont blame him much. He didnt have a very good start in life. I cant really trust him though. I will try to find him a home with a family without kids. I think the lady who had him before me had let her children treat him badly. Now he doesnt really like kids much. It is such a shame. He is a beautiful dog and I shouldnt have a hard time placing him in a nice home.

Nothing else new has really happened. I guess that is a good thing for me. lol

I hope everyone staya safe and sound. You are all in my prayers.





Friday, June 27, 2008

a wrench in the works

I loved this picture and decided to share it. It is very calming for me. I stated out having an ok day. I was getting things cleaned and caught up with most of my laundry. Then the phone call came. It was my case worker calling me to let me know that I wont be getting that much food stamps and worst of all my medical is getting dropped. Thank goodness the kids medical will stay. I started crying. I have just gotten used to my new medicine adn now I wont be able to take it anymore because I cant afford to get it. I am so scared that I will drift back into the physical problems that I had because of all this stress. The medicine was really helping alot and so was the counciling. The reason why I cant get anymore medical is because i my child support payments. The problem is that he hasnt been paying his child support. This is a problem because it gets counted as income and I am not getting any of it. If he was paying it like he was supposed to this all wouldnt not be a problem. I dont think this is fair at all. I dont like being on welfare at all but it was helping give us a push until my hsband found a job. He has been looking so hard. He is a hard worker. He has always stuck with his jobs. He would still be working if the company had not gone under. I am so frustrated. I look at the phone wanting it to ring with good news of his getting a job. I dont know how long we can keep things afloat. This has really made things way more difficult. Everytime I have things figured out, it gets blown out of the water. I have back taxes to pay that my sister ran up for me and I also have to dig up money so that I can finish the wood stove so that we can have heat this coming winter. My husband runs out of unemployment come september. After that, my future is very shakey. I am very scared. I am trying so hard to keep myself from just going to bed and sleeping. So far so good although I am such a mess. One way or another I will make it.

My councilor told me that it is good to write in my journal as long as I put in podtive thoughts as well as negative ones. I was reminded of something from a J-Land friend about a couople of incidents that I have had with bears here. We have lots of wildlife here being out in the middle of nowhere. The day before last I was taking a walk with my dogs when out of the blue a bear crossed in front of me on my dirt road. He stood in the middle of the road staring at me for about a minute and then preceded to cross the road. He was no more than 50 feet in front of me. A few months ago my family and I were eating supper in the dining room. A bear came up and started to root through the trash that I had put outside. Of course he had made a big mess of the trash. But as he was going through  the trash, he had gotten a sour cream container stuck to his nose. He sat down and was trying to get it off with his paws. He finally had gotten it off and then went on his merry way leaving me with a big mess to clean up. It was worth it though for the laugh that we had gotten.



  I prayed to the Lord for my troubles to cease, But instead of
departing, they seemed to increase.  Each day found new problems I'd
not faced before, And so my depression just grew more and more.  

  I begged and I pleaded, "Lord, please let me die! If You can't
ease my pain, at least tell me why." The lord said, "My dear child,

I love you so much! And I could have erased all those tears
with one touch.  

  But I wanted to teach you to cling to My hand, And trust Me for
things you cannot understand. I wanted to show you that when things

go wrong, My strength in your weakness will make you grow strong.  
  You've suffered because you were chosen to be A light for the
lost, and a witness for Me.  As you travel the pathway I've laid out
for you, You will meet many hearts that are suffering too.  

  And because you have been there, and know what they feel,

You can show them My love, and can help them to heal.
 Twas then that I wept, as I fell on my knees,
And I gave thanks to God for not granting my pleas.

  For had I not suffered, and felt such despair, How could I have
known the extent of His care? Oh, Lord, make me worthy to share

Your great love, And help hurting souls reach Your Heaven above.

  Betty Jo Mings



This was sent to me and I thought it was very interesting.

Lessons from Rabbits

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."1

Scientists were studying the impact of a high-cholesterol diet on heart disease. To measure this effect, they fed a group of genetically similar rabbits the same high-cholesterol diet. To their amazement, half the rabbits developed heart troubles, while the others were normal, with no noticeable heart disease.

This outcome was not explainable, so they bought new rabbits and repeated the study. At the end of two weeks, they obtained the same results. Something was wrong with the research design, but they could not determine the unaccountable variable.

Eventually, they discovered that during the evening the assistant who fed and cared for the rabbits took the rabbits out of their cages and cuddled them and petted them while she changed their bedding and food. However, because she was short, she could not reach the rabbits on the top shelf, so they were simply fed and changed without being picked up. Sure enough, after two weeks, the rabbits on the top row all had heart disease, while the rabbits on the bottom row were healthy. The environment and diet were exactly the same. The only variable was expressed love through touching.2

I'm not suggesting that we ignore a healthy diet. Not at all! But every one of us also needs a healthy diet of love and affection if we are to be and stay healthy.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

lazy day

Hello Everyone

Finally a good day : )

I actually had a good day today. I felt ok when I got up so I took advantage of it and did some cleaning. I cleaned the fish tanks and my closet in my room. It takes alot of drive to do that. lol. I took a walk with the dogs. When I got back I took a hot bath and watched a movie. my husband wanted to see the movie "1408" by Stephen King. I am not a Stephen King fan but I decided to give in and watch it with him. It freaked me out some but it wasn't really all that bad. It actually ended halfway descent which really isn't a trait with his books and movies. Anyway, I had a relaxing day for the most part.

This is a picture of my oldest daughter (Tiffany) and her boyfriend (Jake)

This is Tiffany right before prom

I really have to take time and get some pictures of my other kids to show everyone.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

inner battle with myself


Nothing great was ever done without much enduring ....Catherine of Siena


Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.


I had a pretty nice day today. I slept in late. I had some running to do in town so I took our one dog and the kids with me. We went to the park and walked around near the water and then I let the kids play on the play ground toys. For the most part, It was a peaceful day. I am slowly learning how to deal with my anxiety. I have moments when I still get shakey.I have decided that I am at the point where I can either gain control of my thought and my emotions and be content. Or I can let my stress, anxiety and depression consume me and live in fear and be alone. I feel like I have come to a T in  the road. It's either left or right, win or lose. I want to win!! I want to feel alive instead of just surviveing. I am tired of feeling all this pain all the time. I know that I will have my ups and downs. I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have been doing alot of reading lately. I have been very diligent about reading the Bible every night even if it is just a chapter or two. It has really helped me out alot. I have also been reading other books to get my mind off of everyday things and give my mind a break.

Anyway, an update on Chewy. I was able to scrape some money together and take him to the vet. He gave him his shots and gave me some medicine for his skin. He is looking alot better and does very well with our family. He needs to gain some weight. He is a bit food possesive because of being half starved for so long. It will take him some time to learn that he will get to eat everyday like he is supposed to. I am glad that the nightmare is over for him.

My husband and I sat and watched movies last night. We watched the Spider wick chronicles. It was pretty good. We also watch 10,000 BC. It was ok. The graphics were really neat. They did a good job with that. Chewy laid on my lap and cuddled with me while we were watching movies. Petting him actually was very relaxing and calmed me down some. I actually heard that having a pet can lower your blood pressure. I am going to go for my evening walk with the dogs. I heop all is well.

God Bless the troops


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

words of comfort to me


Today I went to the library and picked up some books to keep my mind busy. I had checked out Anne Rice's Out of Egypt. I am not usually a Anne Rice fan but I thought I would give the book a try. I also rented a couple of movies to watch. One of them was the Spiderwick chronicles.  I am going to relax tonight and read and watch a movie.

I have to take my car to get inspected tonight. I just hope that it passed. All I need right now is the car to fail inspections. I am just trying to keep myself calm. I took a walk today at the preserve down the street with my dog. I was able to get some peace and quiet and it helped alot.

I went to the councilor today. She suggested to  the psychiatrist that he prescribe a sleeping medicine for me to help me sleep. She said that it might help me to handle things better. I really like her.  I feel stable enough to call the nursing home tomorrow to do some volunteer work. I really think that I need that. I love helping others. I would really enjoy reading to them and

Is God concerned about our pain?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.

Psalm 34:18-19  just talking to them.


having a quiet day

I am just trying to take it easy today. I had a hard night last night and didnt get much sleep. The only thing I am doing today is calling some pplaces for government help on paying my mortgage. Wish me luck!! Here is something that was sent to me that I thought I would share. Stay safe everyone!!

Five fingered prayer

1. Your
nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to
you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones
is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a 'sweet duty.'

2. The

is the
pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This
includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and
wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your

3. The

is the
tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the
president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators.
These people shape our nationand guide public opinion. They need
God's guidance.

4. The

is our
ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest
finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to
pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your
prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

And lastly comes our

- the
smallest finger of all which is where we should place ourselves in
relation to God and others. As the Bible says, 'The least shall be
the greatest among you.' Your pinkie should remind you to pray for
yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups,
your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be
able to pray for yourself more effectively.


Monday, June 23, 2008

taking a break or at least trying to


Thank you Rose for the pretty graphic

I am going to make it a point to take a break from things today. I am going to spend time with my kids, read a book, and take a walk. I am going to try not to think about my problems today. They will be there for me tomorrow. I am not in immediate danger of losing anything today so I can take a break. Harder things might come my way later and I will need this down time to get my mind together.

I found some more clothes that my old neighbors left. Even though they have really messed me over with the house and the car I gave them, I feel as if I should give them their clothes. I know that they will need them. As far as I know they are still living in the woods. His wife is 6 months pregnant with thier next baby (or should I say welfare check) . I pray that they straightened up for the kids sake.

This aquaintence of mine whose name is Donna e-mailed me yesterday. She had heard that I am having some financial problems and said that if I needed a place to stay I could stay with her. She also had some number of some low income places in Bradford that I might be able to go live at. Some of those poeple are paying as low as 20.00 a month. I would of course have to find homes for the animals, at least the dogs. they allow one cat and small animals. Like I told my husband, I want to prepared in case of the worst. This place is in Bradford , Pa which is about 45 minutes from me. It is a bigger city with some more jobs. It is really something to think about.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136:1
Thank you everyone for your support. I hope everyone stays safe. God Bless!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

My silly kids


Not much has changed but I was told that journal writing is good for you as long as you also write something that is opitmistci along with the problems. I am going to try once again to have a better attitude.

Something funny happened the other night. My 10 year old daughter and my 3 year old son were playing. My daughter decided to play dress up. My 3 year old decided to play as well. My daughter dressed him up in a dress, makeup and hair ties. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. My husband had a fit. I just told him to just relax. It wasnt like he was going to dress up like that when he gets older.I really wish that I would have had a picture to show you. lol  He tries so hard to fit in with his big sister. It made me smile and realize how lucky I was to have such wonderful  children.

My oldes son who is almost 16 years old has been doing really well. He was overweight but quite alot. He now has lost 20 pounds and looks so much better than he did. He has been very supportive to me. I am so proud  of him. He has such a wonderful attitude for the most part.

Today I woke up in a depressed mood. I was going to just lay in bed but I decided to get up. We took a short drive and got some soft ice cream. My 3 year old had chocolate from one end of him to another. I dont know how he ended up with chocolate in his shoes. lol When we got hom I just let them get in the baby pool.

I have a web cam that takes pictures. I need to sit down and figure it out so that I can post some picture for you all to see.

Well I am going to go and take a walk with  the dogs. I am going to try to find time to sit down and read today. I have a Billy Graham book that I really need to read"Peace with God".I am about half way through it.  It is late from the library. I love reading Billy Graham. I have also started reading the Bible. I am actually going to try to read it from cover to cover. I have read alot of it but not in order. I have to read it very slow because I have a hard to reading it sometimes. And I also need complete silence which is hard to get since school has been out.

I hope everyone is safe. You are all in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Waiting with hope


I know that things just arent going well for me. Sometimes I feel as if the Lord has turned his back on me but I know deep inside that this isnt the case. I know he is with me. I am just praying that he will give me the strength to get through this. I just wish I could get my physical health better so that I can think more clearly. I have alot of people and animals relying on me to make the right decision. That is ALOT on my shoulders. The atavan really isnt working for me so I am going to try other alternatives that doesnt include medications to calm myself down. I am going to try to go for a walk today with the dogs and just look at the nature around me. There is a preserve right down the street that I could go for quietness and deep thought. Maybe  I wll go there this weekend and read or write. The last couple of days have been horrible. I am hoping that I can get these physical symptoms of stress under control. It is unbelievable what stress has done to my body. I had no clue that it could make you feel this way. I thought back in time and thougth about all the tough times that I have somehow gotten through. Part of me knows that I will get through this as well. It will take me some time but I will prevail. Thank you to all who have been there for my in your prayers and your comments. I know I say thank you alot but I can never say enough how much I appreciate everyone. I just hope we can all get through the crisis of the gas and food prices in one piece. Prayers are with everyone.

God bless the troops. Keep them safe.

Here is something that was sent to me that I wanted to share.:

Delay is not rejection

Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days and did not go to them. Finally, after two days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go to Judea again."

John 11:5-7 NLT

God often delays His response out of love, as He works all things together for good.
Jeanne Zornes

Waiting with hope

Mary and Martha had sent their friendJesus a message about the critical condition of their brother, Lazarus, and their urgent need for his help: "Lord, the one you love is very sick" (John 11:3). But instead of rushing off to Bethany, Jesus stayed where he was for two days before responding to Mary and Martha's plea. When he did arrive, he raised Lazarus from the dead in a magnificent display of his power.

Just as Mary and Martha struggled when Jesus answered their prayers for Lazarus in a time and way different from what they had expected, we get frustrated when the Lord delays in coming to us and answering our prayers.

As it did for the grieving sisters, two days (or two months or two years) of waiting can seem like an eternity to us. But in the midst of the "delay," God is not inactive. He is teaching us patience, perseverance, and faith and is planning to glorify himself in our circumstances. While we are waiting, he wants to cleanse our hearts and refocus us on Jesus. The Spirit always knows what will glorify God, and we can trust him when we're in the waiting room.


I thought I would share this article that I had gotten e-mailed to me. I know I have RLS. It was some info that I didnt know so I thought I would pass it on in case other people suffer from the same thing.
New Findings Regarding Restless Legs Syndrome
For the 12 million Americans suffering from the curious phenomenon known as Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) there is lots of hope, but also cause for concern, thanks to a recent study that found a disturbing association between RLS and heart disease, putting it into the category of health problems that you shouldn't "just live with." Fortunately, there are natural ways to target RLS. I spoke with sleep expert Ralph Downey III, PhD, chief of sleep medicine at Loma Linda University Medical Center in Loma Linda, California, to learn about the new developments relating to RLS.
Besides the array of "annoying" symptoms of RLS, research increasingly indicates that RLS-related problems can be quite severe. The results of a recent Harvard Medical School study were reported in the January 1, 2008, issue of Neurology, and showed that people with RLS were more than twice as likely to have coronary artery disease (disease of the arteries of the heart) or cardiovascular disease (diseases of the heart and blood vessels, including those in the brain) as the general population. One possible reason is that hundreds of periodic leg movements per night result in simultaneous jumps in blood pressure and heart rate. Over time, this may be responsible for the higher likelihood of heart attacks and strokes -- and the more severe the symptoms, the higher the risk.
In Dr. Downey's opinion, RLS has been a notoriously under-diagnosed disease. Some people may be slow to consult their health care providers, fearing their symptoms would not be taken seriously. He says that even now physicians (and the public at large) still have much to learn about RLS. (To read more about this disorder and ongoing investigations into its treatment, visit the Web site of The Restless Legs Syndrome Foundation at, Dr. Downey emphasizes that treatment should be limited to people who meet specified diagnostic criteria, and says patients with mild symptoms often can control them with natural treatments and lifestyle change. Treatment strategies include...
  • Natural solutions -- mild cases of RLS often respond well to natural strategies such as regular exercise and the avoidance of caffeine, alcohol and tobacco. Some people find it helpful to massage their legs or use a heating pad or ice pack at bedtime, while others distract themselves from their discomfort by reading or listening to music. Do all you can to promote high-quality sleep, including keeping regular hours, following a bedtime routine, taking warm baths -- whatever works best for you.
  • Discuss with your doctor all medications you take on a regular basis. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac), sertraline (Zoloft), or certain tricyclic antidepressants such as imipramine (Tofranil) may worsen the problem. Other drugs including certain antinausea drugs, some cold and allergy medications, and some antipsychotic and antiseizure drugs can similarly aggravate symptoms. Talk with your doctor before stopping or switching drugs and ask about alternative medications if the drugs are indeed exacerbating your RLS symptoms.
  • Have your iron levels tested. Since RLS has been associated with low iron levels, your health care provider may prescribe an iron supplement or make dietary recommendations to help correct low levels.
  • Possible drug treatments include dopaminergic drugs such as levodopa (largely used to treat Parkinson's disease)... opiates (narcotic painkillers) such as oxycodone... benzodiazepines (tranquilizers) such as clonazepam... and anticonvulsant agents such as carbamazepine and gabapentin. Dr. Downey cautions that these drugs all have potentially serious side effects, and "physicians must be certain that the treatment given meets the degree of symptoms and impairment the patient experiences."

Ralph Downey III, PhD, D.ABSM, chief, sleep medicine, Loma Linda University Medical Center, associate professor of medicine, pediatrics, and neurology, Loma Linda University School of Medicine, Loma Linda, California, and adjunct associate professor of psychology, University of California, Riverside, California

Friday, June 20, 2008

complete breakdown

I am sorry that I have not been commenting on journals the last few days. Friday I ended up getting very sick. They put me on Zolft and that made my anxiety fifty times worse. Friday evening I had an attack where I couldn't breath and I was shaking all over. I felt very dizzy. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without my husband's assistance. I spent the whole weekend in bed crying off and on and having severe attacks. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and shaking and having problems breathing. I went to see a Psychiatrist on Tuesday. He took me off of zolft for now but he says that these attacks aren't from that medicine. He put me on atavan. This medicine is supposed to calm me down some. It doesn't really work all that well. I still woke up last night shaking and sweating all night long. I had to make myself get up today and write in my journal. I am sitting here shaking as I type. I am so scared of what is wrong with me. I have never been this stressed out before. I am trying so hard to pull myself together. I feel guilty because I am like this. My mom says to me that I need to just brush it off and go on. I am having a difficult time doing that. I really miss reading all of your journals and I hope that I am feeling better soon.

The family that messed me over with the house, sold the car that I had given them . They are actually complaining around town that I had given them a lemon. I gave them this car for FREE. They are something else!! My brother in law saw him hitch hiking his way up here yesterday. He warned me about it. I was so scared he was coming here to start trouble. I really don't need that right now. I feel as if i am a step away from the mental hospital as it is.

My husband still has not found a job. he is trying very hard though. Everyday, he is looking. We are still tossing around the idea of leaving this place and going to a shelter downstate. That is a very scary thing to do. I may lose my children that way. I can't live without my children!! That is my worst fear!!

On a better note, Chewy has been doing lot better. His hair has grown back very nicely and he has put on some weight. He listens very well. He has been a wonderful companion through it all. It saddens me that I may have to give them up if I have to move. They are wonderful family companions. Plus my son would be hurt if he had to give up his dog. He really loves him and I just don't want to hurt him that way. My son has come a long way since we moved here. He used to get into trouble all the time until we moved here. Now he has good grades and has been so much better. I am afraid if we move back down there , he will get into trouble again. He really doesn't want to leave here. He has friends here unlike he did downstate.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision because I am not mentally well. I am afraid that I will have to go into the hospital because of my anxiety. I feel as if I am a weak person because i cant pull it together anymore. I am trying so hard.

I am going to go lay down now for a bit. I am so sorry that I don't have better things to say. I wish I did. I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe.


Friday, June 13, 2008

Baking for charity

Today I went to the doctor's office again. She put me on more medicine for my depression. I dont like meds but i thought I would give it a try. I am just hoping that I dont have any side affects like before.

Not much happened today. I volunteered to bake cookies for the special olympics in our area. They are having a bake sale to raise money. This is a way that I can help. I have problems being around alot of people because of my social anxiety. This way I can help out without the panic attacks. I am not a very good baker but I am going to do my best. My youngest daughter and son are helping me. That should be fun for us to do. I start my community service at the nursing home next week. I am looking forward to it. The councilor said that it will help out my depression and I can help others at the same time. I have never done anything like this before. When I was younger I used to help out with the special olympics all the time. My mom was a special education aide for many years. I always helped out when I could with events and field trips and things lke that. I really enjoyed it.

I hope everyone enjoys thier weekend. Thank you for all your advice about the dog. I really appreciate the help and ideas. He is really a wonderful dog. I just need to get him healthy. Right now he is running around the house trying to catch flies. Stay safe everyone.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Hanging in there

Hello All..I am trying to hang in there. I have been very busy doing things outside. I had a day where I slept all day. I havent really had the time to write in my journal. My cat drug in a fledgling from outside. I felt so sorry for him. He was bleeding a little and was missing some feathers. He was still alive when he brought him in. That was the sad part of it all. I tried very hard to take care of him. I fed him mealy worms. He ate really good but he passed away despite my efforts. I actually cried when he died. I felt so sad for the baby bird. I know it was only a bird but to me all life matters even the small ones.

An aquaintence of ours was give an eviction notice for thier trailor. They have 30 days to move out. They had a dog they needed to get out of there right away. They asked me to take him in for them. I ended up going to pick him up. I had only talked to her online so I didnt really know her very well. She gave me directions and I went to pick the dog up. When I got there, I could not beleive the condition this poor dog was in. He is so skinny that you can feel his ribs and back bond and hips. He is missing hair from his tail and and he has sores all over him. I felt so bad for him. Believe me it was a blessing that they had to get adopt him out. I was going to find him another home but right now he is in too bad of condition to be adopted out to anyone. He in a wonderful dog. He gets along with my dogs and the kids very well. He follows me around everywhere. I put some medicine I had left over from the last dog I took in that had skin problems over a year ago. I hope it works. I know that I really should not have taken him in because of my financial difficulties but once again I just couldnt say no. I am actually glad that i didnt become friends with the lady in person instead of just online. I dont want to be friends with someone who would let a dog get like this. He is such a great companion dog. I wish people would understand if they take a dog in, they should take responsibilty for his care. I have seen this so many times. It is so very sad.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer. I have been outside most of the time. Some days I dont even feel like getting out of bed but I make myself. I have been hanging in there the best I can. I am going to call for a job tomorrow. I really hope I get it. It is a waitressing job at this small resturant. It isnt much but it is something. I am really nervous because with my social anxiety this is going to be a challenge for me.

I was even looking at a college catalog for a nearby college. I am 38 years old and I realize I dont even know what I want to do for a living when I grow up. It is really sad. I know I need to get my GED first and then I am going to go finally. I think I am going to go for the nursing career. I really like helping people.

I am trying to type while my cat whiskers is sitting on me. He picks now to want attention. When I am not doing anything, he doesnt want to sit with me. When I read he is the worst. He rubs up against my book and makes it impossible to even read. He is a doll though. We love him. We have five cats that kind of wondered here. Whiskers, smokey, Tigger, Rascals, and our little Mouser. I have three dogs as well. I have Billy, Bear and now I have Chewy. Billy is 13 years old but still thnk he is a puppy. He is always bugging to go for walks. He is crazy. He loves water and loves to swim. We love to take him to the park to swim in the river. It is good for his joints.

Right now my dream is to fence in my 4 acres of unused property and may raise a couple of cattle for food and extra money. I would love to have the property make some money. It is just a dream but maybe someday. I will stop rambling now and close my entry for today. Stay safe everyone!!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

hopefully better days will come


I couldn't sleep so I decided to write an entry in my journal. I cleaned out the dirty trailer next door. They left trash and food sit. It was horrible. I did however pack up some of the woman's clothes and the kid's clothes. This man only took his stuff not theirs. Unbelievable!! Shows how much he cares about his family!! Anyway, I put their clothes in some garbage bags and dropped them off at a mutual friend's house. I thought maybe the kids and wife would need something to wear. All th kids toys were left behind it was terrible. I have been told that they are living in the woods without a tent with a tarp for shelter. I cant believe this!! I really wish if they thought living in that trailer was that bad that they would have found another place to go with the kids. Enough about them anyway.

I stood outside at my house and yard today. I saw my pretty flowers I worked so hard to plant. I also looked at my hanging  pots that I took so much time to make myself. They looked beautiful. I looked at my deck that we just had built. Why should I give this all up? I am going to try to make a go of it here. If i cant then I will leave it behind. I only have 9 months until it is all mine. I will give it a try.

I called a nursing home today in town. I am going to be doing volunteer work next week for a few hours. I am really nervous about being around people but I think this might be good for me. I know I will still have my bad days but maybe I can turn the bad days into less and less of occurrences. I don't know but I will defenetly try my best. I am going to try to make myself go to church on Sunday. I like going to church but i always feel so overwhelmed by all the people. But once again I am going to try. Maybe I will meet a friend or two. My 10 year old daughter is going to go to church and volunteer with me as well. We will do it as a team. : )


I know I have said this many times but I am going to say it again anyway. Thank you all for being there for me. I value all of your friendships and hope to get to know everyone better. I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend. God Bless.


Friday, June 6, 2008

moving away

I think that I have had enough now. I had gotten a phone call first thing this morning with people saying they are talking about me again. Why do people have to call me and get me upset first thing in the morning? I feel used and hurt and they have to call and tell me again. I have been crying once again. It is not like me to cry so much so i think i have finally have had it. I am going to find homes for my animals, pack up everything that I can get in the car and get the children and leave. I have struggled long enough here and this is just icning on the cake. I will have to live in a shelter for awhile but i will bounce back. I think maybe my mental status might be better somewhere else. I think this might be the right thing to do or maybe I am just thinking irrationally again. I don't know. Thank you all for being there for me. This has been really hard.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

real hard time

This is unbelievable I know but those people who just left after i had tried to help me have been talking all over town. They are calling me things that arent very nice. Things that I really dont even want to write in my journal. People are believing them. I had just made a friend in the last couple of days. She refuses to talk to me anymore because of the things that were said. I didnt do anything to these people!! All I did was try to help them!! This man is so controlling that people are actually intimidated by him. This town is like that. It is a small town and noone relaly knows me all too well. Now I will not show my face into town again. I have been crying for the past two hours. I just feel like a fool. I sat in the bathtub earlier and wondered if I even wanted to keep going anymore. I decided to get online after my bath for awhile and you wont believe what happened. I had thoughts of just quitting. I am so tired. Then an e-mail came to me from my cousin who lives in Texas. I have not talked to her or heard from her in a couole of years. She wanted to share a poem with me that my grandma had written a few months ago. My grandmother had passed away a little while ago.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high, 
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, 
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns, 
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow, 
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.
Isnt that something?? It's just bizarre that it was sent to me tonight of all nights. Defenetly a message from someone.


trying to find some hope


I am just not feeling well emotionally today. I didnt get out of bed until 12:30. I just didnt feel there was any reason why I should even attempt it. Everytime I try to make things work, i get kicked down a few notches. Everyday I wake up and think to myself "What horrible thing is  going to happen today?"  I feel like prey for the wolves. I am so weak right now that I get taken advantage of. I went down to the electric compnay yesterday to pay on my bill. I am so nervous because i didnt have the full amount. I didnt know if hey would shut me off or not. They didnt but I have a week to pay on it or they will. I owe another 150 dollars. That was just for last month.I am only 10 days late on paying it. I will have the money next week. But I am so scared i wont the next month. They had a list there with 12 names for shut off. They know this county is gong under yet they have no sympathy for people who are struggling. I could never be like that. I guess that makes me weak. I dont know. All I do anymore is worry, worry, worry. My stomach is sick. My body feels worn out and tired. Sometimes I dont know if these are my real feelings or feelings that come from my depression. I was finally diagnosed with Unipolar depression and fibromalgyia. I knew I had fibro but didnt know that my depression had a title. I am trying to battle with that while I am trying to keep things going here. My kids and pets come first. If it werent for them I wouldnt care what happened to me. Every decision I make is for them. Sorry if my journal entry has depressed anyone. I just write how I feel even if it isnt optimistic. Thank you for listening.


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Feeling a bit better

I am feeling a little bit better. I am still upset but I am dealing with things a bit better. I know I have some changes to make in my life. I am going to try to take baby steps to get them done. Here is a pic of me and my sister. I know I posted it before but I just wanted to repost it because i was thinking about her alot today. I really miss her. Her name is Melissa. She is the one with the black hair. I am the brunnette sitting beside her.

She was a wonderful and caring person. When I get hurt like this,i really miss her. She was always there for me.

Here something that someone sent to me. I thought it was good so I decided to share it.

A mother asked this president,"Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

A mother asked this president,"Why did my son have to die in Saudi Arabia?"

Another asked the president, " Why did my son have to die in Kuwait?"

Another asked the president, "Why did my son have to die in vietnam?"

Another mother asked. "Why did my son have to die in Korea?"

Another asked this president, "Why does my son have to die in Iwa Jima?"

Than another mother asked this president, "Why did my son have to die in the battlefield in France?"

Another mother asked this president, "Why did my son have to die in Gettysburg?"

Another mother asked' "Why did my son have to die in the cold at valley Forge?"

Then a long,long time ago a mother asked, "Heavenly Father ....Why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem?"

The answer is always the same. "So that others may live and dwell in peace, happiness and freedom."

God Bless our troops and bring them home safe!!

saw the councilor today

I went to the councilor today. I talked out what happened to me. I cried. I feel so betrayed. I guess it is something that will take awhile to get over. I hope that the woman will realize that her husband is abusive and leave him for a better life. I tried my best to help. I just pray that the children will be safe. Nothing really new has happened today. I felt a bit better after talking to the councilor but I still have alot of hurt felings and depression. I am hoping that someday i will feel normal and enjoy life more. She suggested me volunteering at a nursing home because she can tell I like to help people. I do like helping people. I never thought about it but I think maybe I should put that to good use. Maybe I can find a career where I can help people and make money doing it. I hope everyone in J-land is safe and healthy. Thank you very much for the caring person award. That put a smile on my face. Thank you all for being there for me. You all mean alot to me. I am going to lay down for awhile.

God Bless

Monday, June 2, 2008

hurt feelings

Hello all. Something really horrible happened today. I have been crying all day. The people who were living in my sister's trailor just up and left without giving me any notice. I gave them a mini van that needed some work but I gave it to them to help them out. I gave them a place to love for 400 dollars a month. They fixed the van and up and left without notice as if I was a nobody. I feel very stupid for even helping them out. I like helping people. Sometimes I think it is a weakness of mine. I did so much for them and  they repaid me by messing me over. I cried histerically. Not really because they left but because they did it behind my back. Money is real tight now. We needed that extra 400 dollars to make it. I am so terrified. I dont know what to do. I took a bath and cried. Why would someone do that to someone who helped them??? I would have at least wantd them to tell me in advance that they were leaving. The trailor needed alot of work but they knew that before they moved in. They took thier kids in the van with nowhere to live with her being pregnany with another child. I was told that they left with only a jar of peanut butter to eat for the next two days. Can you believe that?? They left all thier clothes behind and all thier toys. He said to his friend before they left  that the kids dont need friends or toys. I went into the t railor that they were staying in and it smelled like human pee. The sheets of the beds were full of pee and they had peed up dirty clothes sitting in the bathroom. Unbelievable!!! I am so hurt and worried for thier children. They have lived in the car before but this time they chose to leave.They have done this before to other people and have ran thier children all over the country with nowhere to live. How can they get away with this??  They had a roof over thier head. I am sorry that I am rambling about this but it is unbelievable. I dont usually ask  but will everyone pray for his poor children who have no stabiltity in thier lives or food or decent care. I will be ok.. I will get over this . I have atrust problem to begin with but this makes it so much worse. If it werent for everone that I have met in J-land, I would think everyone was untrustable. Thank you all...God Bless...


Sunday, June 1, 2008

My weekend with mom


I actually had a wonderful weekend with  my mother and oldest daughter. They didnt get here until about 9:30 friday night. My mother rented a cabin near where we wanted to do things. It was a nice cabin that had two beds and a pull out couch. We vivited a little bit when we got there and then went to bed. We woke up in the morning and made breakfast. The cabin had a kitchen so we didnt have to go out. Then we went to a place called the "litte red school house'. We had alot of fun there. They had all kinds of reptiles and some small furry and feathered creatures. The guy that owned the place was there and he let the kids and I feed the crocodiles. That was very interesting to do. Then he taped one of the crodiles mouths shut and we were all able to hold him. After that he took out the Boa contrictor that he had there an let us hold him. I was the only one brave enough to hold him. I let him crawl all over me. Snakes don't bother me at all. My kids wouldnt go anywhere near it. lol We also got to hold a bearded dragon which wasnt anything new to us because we used to own one. We also saw possums and a marmoset. We had a very good time. I will post pictures as soon as my daughter sends me some online from her digital camera. We had alot of fun in there. Next we went to the park so the kids could play. Of course it started raining for a bit so that cut that short. We went back to the cabin and made a fire outside and roasted hot dogs and marchmallows. I love the taste of a roasted hot dog. In the evening , my daughter ,my son and I went to see a movie. We saw "Made of honor". I thought the movie was very funny.

The best part of  the whole visit was the box that my mother had brought me from Texas. There were things in it that belonged to my grandma who passed away a few weeks ago. She gave me her robe and slipper. I also got some old picutre of me and her when I was little. There were also a bunch of cards and letters that I had sent her. She kept them all!! There were stacks of them. I also got some knick knacks that belonged to her and the kids had gotten some as well. I just cant believe she kept all the letters and cards I sen her! There were tons. She even kept my birth announcement from when I was born. I really miss my grandmother.

All and all weall had a great visit.Time went by fast  though.  There werent any fights between my mother and I at all. My oldest daughter and I bickered but that isnt anything unusual. lol I really will miss them. I wont see them again until sometime in July. It kind of made me want to try to move down state to be near them again. I know we dont have the money to relocate right now plus I know things wouldnt remain so good between my mother and me if I lived closer to her. Well I have to get lunch ready for the kids and then I am going to take the dogs out for a walk.