Friday, June 20, 2008

complete breakdown

I am sorry that I have not been commenting on journals the last few days. Friday I ended up getting very sick. They put me on Zolft and that made my anxiety fifty times worse. Friday evening I had an attack where I couldn't breath and I was shaking all over. I felt very dizzy. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without my husband's assistance. I spent the whole weekend in bed crying off and on and having severe attacks. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and shaking and having problems breathing. I went to see a Psychiatrist on Tuesday. He took me off of zolft for now but he says that these attacks aren't from that medicine. He put me on atavan. This medicine is supposed to calm me down some. It doesn't really work all that well. I still woke up last night shaking and sweating all night long. I had to make myself get up today and write in my journal. I am sitting here shaking as I type. I am so scared of what is wrong with me. I have never been this stressed out before. I am trying so hard to pull myself together. I feel guilty because I am like this. My mom says to me that I need to just brush it off and go on. I am having a difficult time doing that. I really miss reading all of your journals and I hope that I am feeling better soon.

The family that messed me over with the house, sold the car that I had given them . They are actually complaining around town that I had given them a lemon. I gave them this car for FREE. They are something else!! My brother in law saw him hitch hiking his way up here yesterday. He warned me about it. I was so scared he was coming here to start trouble. I really don't need that right now. I feel as if i am a step away from the mental hospital as it is.

My husband still has not found a job. he is trying very hard though. Everyday, he is looking. We are still tossing around the idea of leaving this place and going to a shelter downstate. That is a very scary thing to do. I may lose my children that way. I can't live without my children!! That is my worst fear!!

On a better note, Chewy has been doing lot better. His hair has grown back very nicely and he has put on some weight. He listens very well. He has been a wonderful companion through it all. It saddens me that I may have to give them up if I have to move. They are wonderful family companions. Plus my son would be hurt if he had to give up his dog. He really loves him and I just don't want to hurt him that way. My son has come a long way since we moved here. He used to get into trouble all the time until we moved here. Now he has good grades and has been so much better. I am afraid if we move back down there , he will get into trouble again. He really doesn't want to leave here. He has friends here unlike he did downstate.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision because I am not mentally well. I am afraid that I will have to go into the hospital because of my anxiety. I feel as if I am a weak person because i cant pull it together anymore. I am trying so hard.

I am going to go lay down now for a bit. I am so sorry that I don't have better things to say. I wish I did. I hope everyone is doing well. Stay safe.



luvrte66 said...

Christine, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. I will hope and pray that things start to improve for you soon and that you can get past this bad patch. Hang in there, hon.

All my best,

pamal3 said...

Aw Christine. I was hoping that things would be on the up for you by now but was sad to read this entry. I hope you can get things all sorted out and start to get things back on track. I will keep you In my thoughts and prayers. Love Pam xx

frankandmary said...

I'd found your journal in the past thru call for support & came back today to check on you.  I am so sorry you are experiencing all these problems.  
Ativan is a pretty effective calmer, but maybe you need a period of adjustment to the drug, as with most drugs, to get the full affect.
I know from working in medical even one IV dose is a strong calming agent. Perhaps over time the oral will work for you.
I am sure your Mother is at a loss as to what to say, & she may feel "brushing it off" has worked for her in certain situations, but your situation may be very different. Some things cannot be effectively brushed off. Don't feel guilty about being human & having problems, we all are & do. Peace to you. ~Mary

rdautumnsage said...

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers on the smoke. I hope the Activan helps you regain some control for the panic attacks. Try to find something calming to you and use it like a mantra to fill time in these complicated days. Your not weak dear friend, simply human. I don't believe you will lose your children. There are services and agencies that will help you keep your home and provide food, without resorting to a shelter. Trust me, they would rather the children remain with the parents than have to be put in foster care. Your in my thoughts. (Hugs)Indigo

ceilisundancer said...

They sold the car you gave them for free.  Wow, well, sigh, obviously they are not of good character (or at least the guy isn't, not sure if she feels forced to go along or if she's truly of the same mindset).

I'm SO sorry to hear of your anxiety attacks.  And, no, it's not something that diminishes your worth.  It diminishes your capacity to do things, and they feel horrible, but don't feel less worthy.

Besides, you've provided new life for Chewy, eh?  :)  You're a great person, in a bad spot.  May you and your husband find what you need.  God be with you all.  -- Robin

mariebm56 said...

I was going to tell you that the medication is supposed to calm you.  It did for me.  It also takes time for Zoloft to work, along with therapy.

People that tell you to brush things off, just doesn't understand about anxiety, & how is can effect you.  It will take time to LEARN to let things go.  Stay with your therapist, she or he will help you learn to cope & eventually overcome your anxiety.

Start taking B complex for your nerves(all natural vitamins).  Maybe you should see a nutritionist.  They will tell you what is good for your anxiety.

As for that "family"  if they come near you & start trouble, call the police.  They took advantage of you & your good nature.  Don't let their unkind ways make you feel guilty or bad.  It is them, NOT YOU!

You need to get plenty of sleep at night & stay up during the day.
Eat healthy.  Take care of yourself, first.  If you can't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your children.
Keeping you in my prayers~

bojgill4375 said...

I am pretty strong but sometimes things will really knock me down. It does not hurt to say you are depressed for we all get depressed. I just pray that yours gets better soon. Know that you are in my prayers for a quick recovery. I feel like Indigo concerning the children. I don't know who you would contact but hope you can get the answer. Hugs and prayers, Janie

shrbrisc said...

sending you hugs and prayers

libragem007 said...

Hi Christine,
I know all about the feeling of being on the verge of nervious breakdown.
I experienced one in my teen years. (another story)
I have not been reading as much as I wish I could, but every now and then I clicked on the entry link. And when I do, I feel glad that I did otherwise I wouldn't have known what's been going on lately to anyone I visit.

As I read through this entry, it seems to me the reasons you were having panic attack and breakdown is because of what's going on with your life/sorroundings  recently. Your husband is out of work, you're worried about losing your home and losing your kids, down to the thought of having your family live in a shelter.
These anxieties is probably the result of your thinking about losing everything you've work hard/live for.

As far as making up your mind as to what's best for you and your family..I say do not let the fear of the unknown stop you from living your life--anything and anyone you have right now is worth living. --You have your wonderful, innocent and funny kids, a very caring and understanding husband and yourself-yes, you have yourself to take care and live for.

Do you know that, us, who suffers from mental illness cannot just brush off ourselves from feeling the way we do, easily? I read that if you know of anyone who's not able to shake off their "blues" as normally as one should (according to society and whatever normal is) that the wrong thing to say is "brush it off"? makes us feel more angry because these words, poked to us by others, makes us feel weak (like you mentioned in your entry) and we get to the point where feel no one is listening to what we really are feelings, what we are really scared of and that makes us vulnerable to isolate ourself. Because if that's how they "see" you, then why bother, right?

libragem007 said...

The guy who was not happy after you gave him your car for free sure have a problem of his own. He sold it and still managed to turn things around and find reasons to blame you. He made money off of a car given to him for free.
Just call "Karma"... it'll come around. :-)

Ok, my comment is long now (way too long?) I promise you that the right combo of meds and when things turn around for the better, you'll find yourself again.
Just keep your eye at the light at the end of the tunnel.... It's there.
Gem :-)

howiseeit101 said...

You are in my prayers and know that life does through some pretty hard punches.  Seems you got more than your share.

pprrrr39 said...

I am so very, very sorry to hear this news. You seemed to be doing so well too. I know it is not easy when you suffer from these problems because you just do not know when they are going to hit and you just dont know how hard.
My heart goes out to you  :o(

I have had ativan many years ago and it seemed to work for me at that time. I hope that they find some meds that will help you. You are in my prayers.

hugs Jayne