I know I havent posted in so long. I really should have but have not been able to get myself to do it. I have been a total wreck. While I was going through my sister's things so that i could send the family what they wanted, I ran into a journal. I should not have read it but i wanted to know what was going through her mind the last couple of months before her death. That was a big mistake. The things she wrote about me in that journal were absolutelty awful. She called me unmentionable names and she said that I was a burden to her. She said I was a psycho and she wished that I would move out of the house and get away from her. She put that in her journal everyday for the last 3 months before her death. She said she hated me and wanted me away from her. She said that i was never there for her. I dont understand where she could have gotten that from. I sat with her in the hospital for hours on end while she treated me and the nurses horribly. I put up with her abusive attitude at home when she came home from the hospital the last 3 weeks of her life. I was there with her when she passed on. I was alwasy there when she was sick or needed me. I had to go on all kinds of meds because of the stress that i was having dealing with her horrible attitude. I love her and miss her dearly but i cant help being so angry. I have not taken this well. I am so lost. I lost my sister and dearest friend in the world and to find out that she did not feel the same way about me is devastating. I have been sleeping alot. My body feels so drained. She was such a controlling person. She had to control everything that everyone did. If i tried to do something on my own, she would go insanely mad. She would say things like"why am I even here for then if i cant do this?" Then to complain about it in her journal was very confusing. There were a couple of times the last few days that I really thought that I could not go on anymore. We barely have any heat in the house and we barely are able to even stay here. Finding another place has been impossible. I am so tired. I am sorry that I couldnt write better things in here. Or that I didnt have a better atitude. I wish that I was alot stronger. This has been way too much. Thank you everyone for listening. You are all in my prayers.