Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Found something disturbing

I know I havent posted in so long. I really should have but have not been able to get myself to do it. I have been a total wreck. While I was going through my sister's things so that i could send the family what they wanted, I ran into a journal. I should not have read it but i wanted to know what was going through her mind the last couple of months before her death. That was a big mistake. The things she wrote about me in that journal were absolutelty awful. She called me unmentionable names and she said that I was a burden to her. She said I was a psycho and she wished that I would move out of the house and get away from her. She put that in her journal everyday for the last 3 months before her death. She said she hated me and wanted me away from her. She said that i was never there for her. I dont understand where she could have gotten that from. I sat with her in the hospital for hours on end while she treated me and the nurses horribly. I put up with her abusive attitude at home when she came home from the hospital the last 3 weeks of her life. I was there with her when she passed on. I was alwasy there when she was sick or needed me. I had to go on all kinds of meds because of the stress that i was having dealing with her horrible attitude. I love her and miss her dearly but i cant help being so angry. I have not taken this well. I am so lost. I lost my sister and dearest friend in the world and to find out that she did not feel the same way about me is devastating. I have been sleeping alot. My body feels so drained. She was such a controlling person. She had to control everything that everyone did. If i tried to do something on my own, she would go insanely mad. She would say things like"why am I even here for then if i cant do this?" Then to complain about it in her journal was very confusing. There were a couple of times the last few days that I really thought that I could not go on anymore. We barely have any heat in the house and we barely are able to even stay here. Finding another place has been impossible. I am so tired. I am sorry that I couldnt write better things in here. Or that I didnt have a better atitude. I wish that I was alot stronger. This has been way too much. Thank you everyone for listening. You are all in my prayers.


chevyz71gurl74 said...

I wish I could give you a big hug...
I am sorry you found that journal and the things in which it said....I don't even know what to say....just know you were there for your sister and you know that in your heart, you stood by her side...and she in fact had to know how much you loved her... and I know deep down she loved you too...maybe her pain was so deep she felt like no one cared and therefore no one in her eyes was going to be who she really thought they were....because of her clouded view and thoughts.... I know I am probable making no sense at all.... Just know your not alone and we are here for you....and I am sorry you are hurting.... Big Hugs


bojgill4375 said...

Christine it is not easy to read things that people say about you. You are not alone on this subject. There at the end your sister told you that she just wanted to die... right?  Maybe something else was bothering her besides you? You even thought that she was not thinking right... correct. There had to be something else. She even wanted to divorce her husband?? This is going to be hard to put out of your mind... but if you don't it will destroy you. Someone you love so dearly to talk about you is so awful and hurtful.  Try to keep from thinking about it, if you can. Thinking about it is just going to make you more stressful. I know that it hurts... it does hurt!!!  We really can have control over our mind if we choose to. When you start thinking about her... just say out loud to yourself... No!! I am not going there!!  Yell if you have to!  Refuse to go there. Pray and ask God to take this from you.  He will in his time. So sad that people are not always what we believe that they are. How sad. They must have a sad life. You and your family is in my prayers, Janie