Monday, October 29, 2007

pushing on

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been reading thier journals but I have not had time to answer any of them. I am going to have to take the tedious journey to my sister's funeral on my own. My husband cant get off work so I am forced to deal with it alone. I am going to take the kids with me, however, because there wont be anyone to watch them while my husband is at work.
I know that it will be hard but I am trying to be strong for my kids. I found out some disturbing news that I have to deal with when i return. My sister did nto keep up with the mortgage like I thought she had. It looks like we will have to leave this house in December. I am not sure. I want to leave anyways. Her memory is all around me. I dont know how I am going to handle it while I am here. I lover her so much and relied on her alot for emotional support. She was the rock in my life.
I feel like a part of me is missing. It is killing me inside. And to be in this house that we shared hurts really bad. How will I cope with it? I moved up with her 4 years ago because it was her dream to live here. Our family is back home 5 hours away. My friends are also back there.
Now that she is gone, I feel as if I dont belong here anymore. This was her dream. She is gone now so now I have to live on. I went to church on sunday morning and then again on sunday evening. The pastor looked at me and asked if I was alright. I bursted in tears and said no. The pastors wife went and talked to me in her office. The words that she said were comforting. She said the worst is to come. The fineral will be the worst day. That is the day when I have to say goodbye to my dearest sister .
My heart sinks everytime I think about what I have to go through. My oldest daughter is spending the day with me on wednesday. Then I will be spending the night with my friend. She and I are going to take her kids and my kids out trick or treating so that they dont have to miss out.
My sister wants us to be happy although I cant right now. There is a whole in my heart that may never be filled. I know she is in a better place but I still miss her and want her back. I have to admit however that I cant wait until the funeral is over. The hard part is returning to our house without her. I will have to leave her behind. My 29 year old sister is gone and I have to come to terms with that.
I feel like my life is ending but I know that it isnt. I know I have to go on. But right now I feel like I cant. Thank you all for all your kind words of support. I will be thinking about you and praying that you all will stay safe. I most likely wont be able to post until after the funeral. I am leaving tomorrow morning at 10 am for the worst time of my life.
I will post and let everyone know when I am home.

4 comments:

manda2177 said...

I'd love to send a note to the funeral home if you would be willing to share that information...

You will definately be in my prayers Christine.  I knwo your feelings are all over the place and you just want to go away from it all and nothing seems right anymore... but remember... you are exactly where you are meant to be.  You CAN handle this, and you will.  Feel pain and sadness and grief... and for as long as you want.  the lord is there to comfort you and offer you His shoulder...

Stay strong..

Amanda

chevyz71gurl74 said...

((((((((((((((Christine)))))))))))))))))))

Big Hugs

Terri

bojgill4375 said...

My prayers are with you. I lost my mother Dec. 27, 2005 and there is a void in my life with her gone. It will hurt for a long time because she was just part of you. I think I hurt worse a year later than I did when she died. I had to start taking my step-dad to 20 doctors appointments, 2 weeks in hospital, and 2 weeks in the nursing home on Feb. 5, 2006 because he had a brain tumor. I did not have time to morn so when things slowed down... that is when I really hurt. Then my step-dad starting being hateful to me! Hurt so much. He thought all of us wanted what LITTLE money he had. lol Through that I learned to let go and let him help himself.  I think all of that was really a blessing because I didn't have time to think about my mother as much. I still shed a tear when I hear a song on the radio that makes me think of her. I understand how you feel. You will need time to heal, but just stay close to God because He is the comforter. He will help you endure the pain... just call out His name... and say... Lord help me please. He will help you get through the hurting.  How is your mom handling it?

We don't always know where we are suppose to be. Maybe God has different plans for you?? I am glad that you went to church and met the minister's wife. Glad that she could give you comfort. I am glad that your daughter is staying the night with you and you are staying with a friend. That should help a lot. Remember you are in my prayers. God Bless, Janie

jhorky said...

Christine, I know how you feel.  I have had so many holes in my heart, but I promise you Christine, It will gradually get better.  You will never forget, but it will hurt less.  Yes the funeral will be hard, but my dear she needes to be put to rest.  It will hurt so bad when you have to walk away that final time, but it will get better, slowly.  It sounds like you are doing as well as you possibly can.  Hang in there.   Lucille