Friday, August 31, 2007

visiting with my mother

My mother is up from downstate visiting. Tomorrow we are going to go yard sale shopping and out to dinner. My mother and I don't really get along most of the time but I am always excited to see her when she comes up to visit. She lives 5 hours away downstate towards Philadelphia. I only get down there during the Christmas holidays. I used to live down there before my sister and I moved up here.

My mother sometimes can be a bit harsh. She likes to criticize alot of things I do and she doesn't really take anything I say seriously. She is a very controlling person. She tries to run every thing that me or any of my children do. She has these comments that she throws at me that hurt. It is hard to explain how she does it. It is sort of a mumble that I can hear if that makes sense. My parents have so much money that it isn't funny. My father buys his cars right out. My grandmother left them a bunch of money. They have over 200,000 in the bank. But yet my mother won't loan me any money to get this house thing started for us. I have never borrowed any money from her ever. There was one incident where they lost alot of money because of me. It wasn't my fault but my parents don't see it that way. It would take me forever to explain the whole thing in detail so I will try to make it as quick as possible.

The awful thing that happened 5 years ago

My ex husband and I lived in a trailer downstate that my parents cosigned for me and my ex husband to get a loan for. After we were there for two years, my father had an idea to get a personal loan out in his name so that our interest would be lower and we would just give the money to them. I begged my dad not to do it. The way the trailer was set up at that time was that is if my ex didn't pay the loan the trailer would be taken away to pay off the remainder of the loan.. My parents didn't listen. They put the trailer solely in my ex's name and they paid off the trailer with their loan. All was well for a year or so and then the bad things started to happen. My ex started to get abusive to  me. My oldest daughter went to live with my parents. My ex was the sole bread winner of the house. He had no driver's license so I had to drive him back and forth to work which didn't allow me to get a job. Well My parents told me that I should kick him out and keep the trailer to myself. I could not pay the bills there. I would have had to pay lot rent and the loan that my parents had gotten for the trailer. I had to move out of there with my children to live with my sister. I had no money to pay back the loan and my ex gave the trailer away to his friend. I had no money to pay back the loan and he wasn't going to pay it so my parents ended up paying off the loan themselves. My parents knowing that I was being abused are still mad at me for not paying off that trailor at the time.. I know it is confusing. I tried to explain it the best I could. There was so much going on at the time it was overwhelming. I lost my house and some of my belongings and my parent's respect all at once. Then I was alone. That was when my self esteem really went to it's all time low.

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That was pretty much the story. There is alot more to it but I could write all night and I still couldn't write all the horror that was going on. He was such a horrible man. I hope no one looks at me bad. But I did what I thought the right thing was. I ended up living with him again for about a year just so he would sign the divorce papers . You would have to know him to understand why. I was so messed up in the head. My oldest daughter stayed living with my parents. I moved where I am today and he left me a year later. That was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I have not spoken to him since. That is when I started dating my husband that I have now. We talked on the Internet 5 years prior to us meeting. We were very good friends. After we met for the first time, we just decided that we would like to  be more than just friends. About six months later we were married. My mother loves my present husband,Robert. He is a great guy. She loves him more than me. I still look forward to seeing her.

I have gotten off the phone with my mother plenty of times crying. She can be very harsh and very uncaring sometimes. I don't even thinks she realizes she does it. I better go before I write a book. I hope all is well for everyone. I hope I didn't confuse anyone or make them not want to talk to me anymore. That time of my life was not the highlight of my life that is for sure. I am a different person now but i still feel the low self esteem. I will always be struggling with horrible memories. Thanks for listening everyone. God Bless.

4 comments:

bojgill4375 said...

Just a quick note. Got 3 hours sleep last night! lol Many people have horror stories to tell, some are lucky when they don't. The old saying, "You don't know a person until you live with or marry them", is so true. Those kind of people keep it so well hide from everyone!! Some people are just like your mother. Mine was controling but I knew that she loved me. Yes, I know just what you mean about how she does it. lol I am glad that you have a good husband now. Those times are hard to forget but when we remember them they seem to come creeping back.. the feelings of fear, hate, regret, sarrow, and all the negative things in our life... even when they are no longer part of our life now.  If possible just thank God that He helped you survive through those days and look at today and tomorrow because yesterday is gone and nothing that we can do can change it. You are blessed today and that is what matters now. No one should dislike you for the things that you had to go through. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. You and your family are in my prayers and praying that your mother is more kind to you. Try not to let her hurt you if you can. She is just that way and no one can change her but herself. Prayers, Janie

barbpinion said...

Christine, I'm sorry you've been so hurt by your Mother, but glad you're able to see her, since it seems to make you happy. We all need and want our parent's approval. And if we don't get it, we feel bad about ourselves. Don't let her treatment of you cause you to forget that you are unique, one of a kind in this huge world. Don't let anybody's unkind remarks, no matter whose they are, cause you to think badly of yourself. If you take time to think about it, I'm sure you can remember a lot of wonderful things you've done, and can think of things you like about yourself. You take care of yourself now. Do something that makes YOU happy.
God bless you, my friend.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

manda2177 said...

Wow.  It is amazing the damages that can be done to us by those that we call family.  I am sorry that your mother hurts you.  I am so sorry that you are in a relationship that causes stress and frustration.  
Heres what I know:  You need to be talking to God about all of this.  Every detail.  Even though He knows everything already... He needs to hear it from you.  Then you need at accept Jesus into your heart...then you need to forgive your mother.
WHAT?
Thats right...forgive her.  Even though she doesn't deserve it.  Even though she still does mean things.  Its not for her.  Its for YOU.

OK..enough preaching!  I hope you know that I do not judge you and that if you never ever did anything I suggested I would still not judge you.  You are loved for who you are, right in the very moment.  I only want you to be the best possible Christine ever... and I know that is through the Lord.

So..God Bless you dear friend-
Amanda

lucillehorky said...

Thank you for your kind concern for my husband.  He is going on 5 years since his heart surgery and is doing very well but after loseing my last husband to heart problems, I know how quickly it can go the other way.  I am glad your mother and you are able to spend time together.  We moms sometimes say and do things that hurt our children and I know I don't mean to.  You have a great Labor Day, Christine.
Lucille