Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Jealousy is truly the "Green eyes monster" !
Jealousy is truly the "Green eyed monster". At least for me it is. It brings out the worst in me. This is a part of me that I honestly dislike but cant change. For some people it may be the drive to do better or achieve more. I am ashamed to say for me it just hurts.
I guess I can start with where this topic of thought came from today. I watched "Sex in the City" last night. I was told that it was a good movie. I put it off until yesterday when I saw it at the library. I thought "well it's free to rent so I might as well try it out" I did enjoy watching it for the most part but I wasnt really into the adult parts. That isnt something I really like to see. But it had some humor and some very cute parts. I have to admit that it stirred some uneasy feelings of jealousy in me which I wasnt impressed with. I guess you could say that I was envious of thier ability ot be independent and wealthy on thier own. Also thier ability to be strong women which is something that I feel I am not. But I think the worst of it all was the close friendship they had with each other. I really long for that. I dont have any friends to talk to or express my thought with or to just hang out with and have fun. I relaly dont have anyone. I had that with my sister Melissa so I know what I am missing. I guess that makes it all that much harder. I have this horrible feeling inside of me even today. Why cant I just be happy for what I have? I have wonderful children. I just long for a better life. I life without this run down trailor. A life without the everyday struggle of just keeping the house warm or food on the table. I would lie if I said that part of me longs for the material things like cell phones, lap tops and nice clothes. The last couple of days there has been a new emotion that I have that I am not used to having. I still have those feelings of depression and sadness but on top of that now I have this feeling of frustation. This feeling has been peeking its head through. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I havent made up my mind on that one yet.
I have decided to create a new name for my journal or maybe even start a new one. Since most of my thoughts come from the laundry mat or the bath tub, i decided to make a name that was fitting for that. I thought of the name "private thoughts at tghe laundry mat" but i didnt want people to think it was a adult journal. And anything having anything to do with the bath tub is out of the question. lol I am not going to get frustrated. The name will come to be. Any suggestions? : )
I may want to publish this someday. My problem is that alot of my thoughts come when I am soaking in the bath tub. By the time I get out and dressed, the good, well thought out thoughts are gone. I believe I could make a million dollars if I could get the words written down before they are gone. lol
Tonight is the big GED test. Part of me cant wait until tonight. It is the start of my new life. But part of me doesnt want to go. That part of me is the enemy. That is the self distructive part of me that I have to keep locked away. That part of me will keep me from succeeding in life. The thoughts come pouring in. What if my car goes and I cant get to college? What If i cant come up with the money to go? What is the point? I battle these emotions everyday.
I am going to take some time out tonight after i get home to read some of the journals I follow. I also want to take some time out to redo my whole layout on my journal page. I need to find a picture of myself without my sister. I need to go on with my life and start my new life without her. I know deep down inside she is with me. I miss her.
Thank you for all of your comments on my journal. It relaly helps to know that someone out there is in your corner. Thank you !!