Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyes monster" !

Jealousy is truly the "Green eyed monster". At least for me it is. It brings out the worst in me. This is a part of me that I honestly dislike but cant change. For some people it may be the drive to do better or achieve more. I am ashamed to say for me it just hurts.

I guess I can start with where this topic of thought came from today. I watched "Sex in the City" last night. I was told that it was a good movie. I put it off until yesterday when I saw it at the library. I thought "well it's free to rent so I might as well try it out" I did enjoy watching it for the most part but I wasnt really into the adult parts. That isnt something I really like to see. But it had some humor and some very cute parts. I have to admit that it stirred some uneasy feelings of jealousy in me which I wasnt impressed with. I guess you could say that I was envious of thier ability ot be independent and wealthy on thier own. Also thier ability to be strong women which is something that I feel I am not. But I think the worst of it all was the close friendship they had with each other. I really long for that. I dont have any friends to talk to or express my thought with or to just hang out with and have fun. I relaly dont have anyone. I had that with my sister Melissa so I know what I am missing. I guess that makes it all that much harder. I have this horrible feeling inside of me even today. Why cant I just be happy for what I have? I have wonderful children. I just long for a better life. I life without this run down trailor. A life without the everyday struggle of just keeping the house warm or food on the table. I would lie if I said that part of me longs for the material things like cell phones, lap tops and nice clothes. The last couple of days there has been a new emotion that I have that I am not used to having. I still have those feelings of depression and sadness but on top of that now I have this feeling of frustation. This feeling has been peeking its head through. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I havent made up my mind on that one yet.

I have decided to create a new name for my journal or maybe even start a new one. Since most of my thoughts come from the laundry mat or the bath tub, i decided to make a name that was fitting for that. I thought of the name "private thoughts at tghe laundry mat" but i didnt want people to think it was a adult journal. And anything having anything to do with the bath tub is out of the question. lol I am not going to get frustrated. The name will come to be. Any suggestions? : )

I may want to publish this someday. My problem is that alot of my thoughts come when I am soaking in the bath tub. By the time I get out and dressed, the good, well thought out thoughts are gone. I believe I could make a million dollars if I could get the words written down before they are gone. lol

Tonight is the big GED test. Part of me cant wait until tonight. It is the start of my new life. But part of me doesnt want to go. That part of me is the enemy. That is the self distructive part of me that I have to keep locked away. That part of me will keep me from succeeding in life. The thoughts come pouring in. What if my car goes and I cant get to college? What If i cant come up with the money to go? What is the point? I battle these emotions everyday.
I am going to take some time out tonight after i get home to read some of the journals I follow. I also want to take some time out to redo my whole layout on my journal page. I need to find a picture of myself without my sister. I need to go on with my life and start my new life without her. I know deep down inside she is with me. I miss her.

Thank you for all of your comments on my journal. It relaly helps to know that someone out there is in your corner. Thank you !!


Monica said...

I will be keeping you in my thoughts as you take your GED. Let's just take one step at a time! This will open many doors for you.


Anonymous said...

hmm, good idea to change your blog name! Really, if it is more positive you will feel more positive. I am always changing mine, remember it used to be vitamin B-log because I thought if I gave it a good for me name, it would be positive and make me happy, ha ha If I think of a good name I will let you know.

I saw sex and the city and I thought it was ok, not terrific though. I mean, why didnt Carrie just forgive Big and get married? He DID turn back and said sorry, but instead she beans him with her flowers and says she's humiliated. What because he was late? I mean come on, that was just unrealistic you know?
Well being a strong woman means different things to different people. I try not to be jelous and tell myself when I see someone that has something I want, I say to myself, "Good for her! I can have that too, and one of these days I will." Now sometimes this doesnt work for me. Like if the person I am jelous of is someone close who I know is mean, like my cousin. Then I just feel jelous and mad and cant get over it! But I keep trying and thats all we can do. Keep trying, that will make you strong.
Good luck again on the GED!!!!

Rose said...

You will do great on your GED test. Think positive.....study hard......We are all here for you.

Hugs, Rose

Beth said...

Christina, my advice to you on feeling the frustration at seeing the lives those women were leading in the movie is to let it motivate you! Don't ask "why do they have those things?" Ask, "Why can't I have those things?" Not that things are the be-all and end-all of happiness, but let it be a motivator for you.

I hope to hear some good news about your GED!

Hugs, Beth

Linda's World said...

Hi Christine, Also remember that "Sex In The City" is/was just a movie. Even those movie stars in real life have frustrations & hurts in their lives. Many of them have gone thru multiple divorces, they get sick, get depressed, their kids get sick & get into trouble...they are human beings too. They may have fatter checking accounts than ours but money doesn't buy happiness. Most of them deny the love & forgiveness of Jesus and deep down are miserable. You're a child of the King~don't forget that. By now you've taken the GED, I pray that all went well. Hugs to you & your family.

Lori J said...

Good Evening Christine, from a very cold and frosty ALBERTA, Canada.
I just wanted you to know that I have stopped right now to say a prayer for you and to ask the Lord to give you His peace that "passeth all understanding."
I understand your panic attacks and I am so thankful that mine have got less and less as time has gone one.
At one time in my life I would have been very unsympathetic to someone who suffered this malady but I have seen from the other side and if allowed to continue it can be very dibilitating.
Love and hugs to you...



Sweetnessk71 said...

hey there. Hope you do well on the test. We all have those feelings even though we hate having them they are natural. Take care


salemslot9 said...

hi Christine~
good luck!
I haven't posted much
but, stop by
if you get a chance

Celeste said...

I hope the test came out okay for you!!!