I went to take my second part of my GED test last night. I dont think I did as good as I would have liked but I know I passed. The essay topic was sports and I know nothing about them. That made writing it extra hard although I think I did ok. Next week I take my final test on math. I am not so confident about that subject. I just hope that I pass. I really need to feel as if I have accomplished something.
My mental state has been somewhat worse. I havent gotten out of bed before 2 pm all week. I feel so worthless. My whole body aches and I am alwasy so very tired. I had to force myself to get up and take a bath today and get online for a bit. I really need a change bu I am not strong enough to make it. I need to move closer into town. I think it would be better for me mentaly and financially. The problem is finding a place to go. I dont have very good credit so finding an apartment is going to be tough. My husband doesnt really make much money but if i lived closer to town, I could work. I think that would be excellent for me. It would make me feel like I am accomplising something plus i would be around other people. I think I need that right now even though I have such bad social anxiety. I am realizing that I need at least one friend to hang out with and talk to.
Getting an apartment would mean renting again for me. I never thought I would have to rent again. I would have to most likely find a home for all my pets. I know that would hurt the kids. I am living here without any heat other than a kerosene heater. I dont like using that heater. I need a change. I feel trapped here. I need to get out of the house that my sister passed away in. I know I can do better for myself.
Another reason why it is hard to leave this trailer is because of all the money that I had put into it. The mortgage holder is not allowing me to sell. I know that she cant legally do that to me but i just dont have any way to fight her on it. She has made it so hard to keep going. I have been paying her what I owe her every month. I am so close to paying this off in full.
I actually was thinking about getting ahold of my old friends who used to live here. They really hurt me by taking off on me withouth letting me know after I gave them a place to stay for so long. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have already forgave them and just want to have my friends back. Am I just asking for punishment? Most likely. They are not very good friends. The husband of the couple wears me out sometimes emotionally just being around him. Has anyone ever met anyone like that?
I dont know when I will post again. Hopefully I can get myself out of bed to post tomorrow. I have an appointment to see a Phychiatrist tomorrow. I hope that he can at least ease the pain. I do believe that in order for me to be happy, I am going to need an enviroment change. I pray that I can find a way to do something soon. I dont know how long I can live like this.
I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday.
3 comments:
HI--
Congrats on taking your GED. That's a big step. I've missed a lot as I lost you after the move from j-land...glad I stumbled across you again!
janis
Christine, you have to just keep on keeping on. Don't you get up with the kids in the morning& get them off to school? If so, then just stay up and do a little bit around the house each day. Maybe you should write out a schedule for yourself. The reason you're probably staying in bed so long is because you're depressed. For the sake of your family & yourself~you have to pull yourself out of this slump. We've all gone thru tough times but staying in bed all day, changes nothing. Come on girl friend~get up ! And put on a happy face. Congrats on your GED test results. You're almost a high school graduate!
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