Monday, October 27, 2008

keeping myself busy

I guess what is really bothering me today is that I really miss my sister. On saturday it was the anniversary of her passing. I am not really taking it all that well. It still seems like a dream to me. It hurts so bad that I can barely breath. She was such a big part of my life. She was the only friend I had. Melissa was the one that I went to when I had a problem . She also came to me. We leaned on each other all the time. She was my rock. Now I feel unstable. I feel like there is a big hole in my life that I just cant fill. I want her back so much. I know she is in a better place but my selfishness just wants her back. She was only 29!! We had so many years to spend with each other. We were robbed of that. I get so angry I made myself get out of bed today. I did some cleaning. I hated every minute of it but I knew i couldnt just lay in bed all day . I had to get up and do something. Yesterday I made myself get out of bed but all I did was lay on the couch. I am having such a hard time getting out of this depression. There is just so much going on in my life right now. Everything is just so out of control. I am alwasy on the verge of losing everything. This takes such a toll on me. I really wish that I could find a good friend to talk to. Soneone to hangout with. Go to lunch with. see a movie with. I have such a hard time making friends. Where would I even begin? I really miss having someone close to me to talk to and spend time with. I really long for a friendship. I just dont know how to get one. I am not exactly and easy person to be friends with. I have the depression and sometimes mood swings. I guess I am going to be alone forever. I would like to find a placein town to live where I can at least keep my cat. I am a big dog person but lately my cat has been a very good friend to me. He has been laying with me alot and following me around. He is my only friend. Silly isnt it? I keep myself going for the kids. They need me. I have given up on being happy for now. Maybe it is beyond my control. Maybe I just need alot more time to get over my loss. I thought that in a year I would feel better. It hurts just as much now as it did when she first left me. I was there when she slipped away. I felt helpless. I yelled her name out when she passed out. I knew she was gone. After the perimedics came and took her to t he hospital. I drove there hoping that she was ok. I knew in my heart that she was gone. After many hours waiting in the hospital for some papers to go through for the organ donation, i went home. I got out of my car and I swear I saw her in t he window of our house standing there. I passed out on the ground. My brother in law had to wake me up and take me in the house. I think to this day they think I am crazy. But I swear I saw her. Well enough of this sadness. i know that I dont have alot of readers because of the way I write. I just write how I feel even if it is sad and depressing. I hope I have better things to write tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Someday this has got to end. My depression cant last forever. I have to find peace someday. It is hard to live in sadness. God Bless

5 comments:

Sweetnessk71 said...

Hiya. I'm so sorry that your still having this depression. Who could blame you right now with having to relive your sisters passing etc. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you can find that friend that you need. There are people out there for everyone. I wish I lived in the area then we could get together. Take care.

Kris

Beth said...

Christine, have you called your doctor and talked about this? You have got to talk to someone!

Beth

Nancy said...

you know what, its not crazy to see your sister after she's gone, I believe people (and close pets) sometimes come back to say goodbye. When my cat died, I saw him hours after he had died. My kids believe me, but I dont think anyone else does. But regardless, its hard to get over the loss of a close loved one. One day it will hurt less, but for now just give yourself a break and know that its normal to feel bad after your relative passes. I was in the hospital for a month and a half after losing my last baby in a traumatic way and the drs kept trying to convince me I was depressed and I was like, HELLO, I just lost my baby!!! Not for nothing but is that supposed to make me happy? sheesh! Its ok to cry sometimes.
Its hard to make friends. You usually make them when you arent trying. I seem to make friends by either moving into a neighborhood, or through some activity my kids are doing like swimming or volleyball which involves moms standing around watching. Thats where I met my best friend in real life. But you know what, I believe everyone here online is as good a friend as my real life ones, and I think you should too. One of these days you will meet some people in real life, but for now, just talk to us (and your dr) and hopefully we can fill in the spaces.

Janie said...

Will be keeping you in my prayers Christine. Hugs, Janie

itsjustme45j said...

Thank you for the words of your experience of loss. They will remind me to treasure my sister these days. Jennifer