keeping myself busy

I guess what is really bothering me today is that I really miss my sister. On saturday it was the anniversary of her passing. I am not really taking it all that well. It still seems like a dream to me. It hurts so bad that I can barely breath. She was such a big part of my life. She was the only friend I had. Melissa was the one that I went to when I had a problem . She also came to me. We leaned on each other all the time. She was my rock. Now I feel unstable. I feel like there is a big hole in my life that I just cant fill. I want her back so much. I know she is in a better place but my selfishness just wants her back. She was only 29!! We had so many years to spend with each other. We were robbed of that. I get so angry I made myself get out of bed today. I did some cleaning. I hated every minute of it but I knew i couldnt just lay in bed all day . I had to get up and do something. Yesterday I made myself get out of bed but all I did was lay on the couch. I am having such a hard time getting out of this depression. There is just so much going on in my life right now. Everything is just so out of control. I am alwasy on the verge of losing everything. This takes such a toll on me. I really wish that I could find a good friend to talk to. Soneone to hangout with. Go to lunch with. see a movie with. I have such a hard time making friends. Where would I even begin? I really miss having someone close to me to talk to and spend time with. I really long for a friendship. I just dont know how to get one. I am not exactly and easy person to be friends with. I have the depression and sometimes mood swings. I guess I am going to be alone forever. I would like to find a placein town to live where I can at least keep my cat. I am a big dog person but lately my cat has been a very good friend to me. He has been laying with me alot and following me around. He is my only friend. Silly isnt it? I keep myself going for the kids. They need me. I have given up on being happy for now. Maybe it is beyond my control. Maybe I just need alot more time to get over my loss. I thought that in a year I would feel better. It hurts just as much now as it did when she first left me. I was there when she slipped away. I felt helpless. I yelled her name out when she passed out. I knew she was gone. After the perimedics came and took her to t he hospital. I drove there hoping that she was ok. I knew in my heart that she was gone. After many hours waiting in the hospital for some papers to go through for the organ donation, i went home. I got out of my car and I swear I saw her in t he window of our house standing there. I passed out on the ground. My brother in law had to wake me up and take me in the house. I think to this day they think I am crazy. But I swear I saw her. Well enough of this sadness. i know that I dont have alot of readers because of the way I write. I just write how I feel even if it is sad and depressing. I hope I have better things to write tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Someday this has got to end. My depression cant last forever. I have to find peace someday. It is hard to live in sadness. God Bless

nothing has changed.

I am still trying to shake this depression. I didnt get out of bed until noon. Then all I did was cry for the first two hours of being awake. I know people will sometimes say that am feling sorry for myself or that I just need to shake it off. This is not true. My mind has been more on my children than myself. And as far as shaking it off, it isnt as easy as it sound. My mother quoted a Bible verse and sai to me that my children will suffer for the sins of thier parents. She said that is just how it is. I think it also says that we are supposed to be together as a family. I dont want money from my mom as much as I just want her support and someone to talk to.
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.
I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.