Wednesday, October 22, 2008

nothing has changed.

I am still trying to shake this depression. I didnt get out of bed until noon. Then all I did was cry for the first two hours of being awake. I know people will sometimes say that am feling sorry for myself or that I just need to shake it off. This is not true. My mind has been more on my children than myself. And as far as shaking it off, it isnt as easy as it sound. My mother quoted a Bible verse and sai to me that my children will suffer for the sins of thier parents. She said that is just how it is. I think it also says that we are supposed to be together as a family. I dont want money from my mom as much as I just want her support and someone to talk to.
I feel like a zombie half the time. I have made myself get up and type on here to maybe help let some of these feelings out. I am sure people wil get tired of heraing me complain and stop reading my journal all together. I wouldnt blame them. All I feel right now is hopelessness and despair. I want to feel normal and I want my family to be ok. I just feel as if that isnt going to happen. I am so afraid of losing my children. They are my whole world. I wouldnt live through that. My mom said that if someting happened to me she would take the kids in. It's almost likeshe doesnt care about what happens to me just her grandchildren. Dont get me wrong , I am so glad that she will atek care of them in the event of my death. I just wonder if she even cares if i live or die. She never tells me she loves me first. I always have to say it and when she returns the statement it sounds cold and unfeeling. I just dont think she loves me at all. I really love her. She advoids talking to e as much as possible. Maybe it is my fauly for having my depression. She doesnt want to see or hear me cry alot.

I miss my sister. We used to help each other through everything. She was my second half. I am so mad that she left me like this!! I know it is irrational. She didnt want to die and leave me. But I get mad sometimes anyways. I just want her back so bad. I loved her so much. I hope everybody is having a good week. I hope tomorrow I will be in better spirits.

5 comments:

Nancy said...

Christine you need to be in therapy for your depression and have someone to talk to about this that can give you real guidelines and tools, and not just medication. Really, you seem way too down to come out this on your own.

Sweetnessk71 said...

Hiya. So sorry to hear that you are still feeling depressed etc. I know its hard when you have kids and want to do whats best for them but there is only so much you can do. I will keep you all in my prayers and hope that you feel better soon.. take care

Kris

Rose said...

Please go back to the doctor soon Sweetie.

You left a comment that you were unable to be a follower on my JOurnal........tht is strange...try again Sweetie and let me know what happens.

Hugs, Rose

Janie said...

Like someone else said, maybe you need to see your dr. again. The medicine may not be working for you. Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, Janie

Beth said...

Christine, as the others have said, PLEASE talk to your doctor again. Clinical depression is not something you can just "snap out of." You need to speak to someone about how to deal with this, and you need to work together. Please call!

Hugs, Beth