Friday, October 24, 2008

keeping myself going

Hello all. Yesterday my car went. It needs to go to the shop and of course I have no money to do that. My brother in law is driving us around until we get the car fixed. Other than that things have been quiet.
Money is very tight but I am trying very hard to keep things going. I have been trying not to worry as much. I made myself get out of bed at a descent hour today which was a change. I put more wood in the wood stove and did some laundry. My energy is now all spent. I think the anxiety really sucks the energy out of me. I think I am going to try to get out and take the dogs for a walk today. I have been trying to find them good homes. I had to fine homes for two others awhile ago. That was very hard on me and I miss them very much. We used to have five dogs and two cats. My money situation used to be a lot better and we cold handle the care and feeding of them. Now our financial problems are really bad since my husband was laid off from his good job at the light bulb factory. The whole factory shut down and it has been downhill since then. My sister didn't help with her not paying bills like she was supposed to. She has made us so far behind. We have made it the last year since she had passed away trying to catch up and stay current on bills.To top is off I have no heat here but a wood stove that barely works. It has not been easy. We are trying very hard but i feel that we are going down with the ship. It would be cheaper to rent but in order to find help with that, I would have to sell this property. Trust me that is impossible. So here I am trapped.
I decided to say something nice in this journal if it killed me. Something upbeat or positive. I am learning a big lesson from this. I am learning to appreciate what I have. It isn't easy sometimes to feel positive when so many negative things are happening. I know that I am lucky to have a place over my head for now. I am lucky to have such wonderful children who love me and for the most part understand. I am very fortunate to have such good online friend. Maybe if i can get myself to college, I can make some new friends. Who Knows?? I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.
I have decided to try to go see someone about my depression. I don't have much insurance so it will be hard. I will call and see what someone can do for me. It might be good for me. I have to get my car on the road first though. Thank you for all your prayers. I will always keep everyone in my prayers. Stay safe!!


Karen said...

Christine, when you said, "I may not like my situation but God has given me another day to change it.", you hit the nail right on the head.

You know what to do to change it. You've said it enough times. It is to stand up to your depression and muscle you way through it inspite of it.

That might sound like tough love talking, and I guess it is. I feel in my heart that you are strong inside,just that you are letting your depression rule you life. Don't let it happen.

Follow your heart and walk your dogs, do your laundry, love your kids and your husband and know that things will change...they always's part of God's plan.

Hugs, Karen

Beth said...

Christine, you sound much more positive today, and that's a good sign. As Karen wisely said, you know what to do to take a step towards changing things, and your decision to see someone about your depression is a wonderful first step. If you can get a handle on that, I know you'll have more energy and more strength to tackle other things.

Love, Beth

Rose said...

I pray for you every day. Karen and Beth are hit the nail right on the head for sure.

Stand up to your depression and be grateful for the things you do have. The rest will fall into place.

Think positive Sweetie!

Hugs, Rose

Janie said...

Will be keeping you in my prayers. Love, hugs, and prayers, Janie

Anonymous said...

Christine you sound better! I hope and pray that things will turn around for you soon. I can see you struggle with the memory of your sister. Whatever the reasons were why she didnt pay right, just let that go. You miss her but you are so angry at her, just let her mistakes go. In forgiving her, you forgive yourself for trusting her. It was ok to trust her, she was your sister. What she did, she did for a reason, and I am certain that reason was not an intention to hurt you. It was just a mistake on her part. So shake that off sweetie and let it go.
Your husband will find a new job, you will get your GED, you will get counseling for your depression, these are all positive steps in the right direction you can be proud of.
I want you to remember, that your thoughts come BEFORE your depression, so if you can turn your thoughts away from sad things, you can re-route your mood. Really. (but still do get back to the dr when you can for real therapy)
I want to tell you Christine that you help me as well. I was thinking about my own money problems and blaming the problems on someone, and now I know this is just keeping me upset about it. So I too will let that go. And we will both feel better.