Friday, October 10, 2008

one day at a time

This is my first time posting on blogger so I hope that I do it right.

I have had my good days since i last made an entry and i have had seriously bad days. I have had days where i thought i didnt even want to go on. I will try to talk about the positives in my life first.

Monday I had a very busy day and a strefful one as well. I got up and left my warm bed at 8 in the morning to go to a IEP meeting for my 16 year old son. They wanted to reevulate him for special services because he had voiced an opinion of wanting to go to a four year college upon his gradutation. The teachers all had wonderful things to say about him. He is doing great in all his classes. He is in regular classes with some learning support for his reading. The teachers all told me that every student should be like him. He is motivated and tries hard with everything that he does. He wants to take a career in the vetenarian field. That doesnt shock me because we have always had a small zoo here. The teachers and phychologists were trying to tell me talk him into maybe downsizing his plans to a two year program. I dont want to do that because in my opinion "can't" isnt a word in this family's vocabulary. My son is so bullheaded(which he gets from his mother) that he will succeed in whatever he choices to do. i will support his decisions whatever they might be. I am so very proud of him. My eyes tear up thinking about it. My oldest daughter of 19 is already in her second year of nursing school. I am such a proud mother. Two more kids to get motivated. My 10 year old daughter makes me so frustrated because she fails and I know she can do better. I want to pull my hair out.

Afte the meeting at the school, I had a seminar to go to at the Pa career link where I am getting help with my GED. It was a seminar for parents and budgeting money in this ecomomy the way it is. The case worker, Robin, kind of picked on me for I guess because I was teh only one there who had a plan for my life. She was using me as an example on how i need to save money to meet my goal of nursing school. I was a bit shook up because i have such bad social anxiety but i spoke up anyways and answered her questions. She is going to help me with my FASFA application for financial help when the time comes. I thought that i did well but i did have a panic attack. I had to go home after the seminar and take a ativan and calm down. I am very proud of myself for keeping at this though.

I go to take my GED October 18th of this month. It is about time being that I am 38 years old. Iam tired of living on the edge. I want something better for my family and me. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I am so tired of being on foodstamps and medical. I want/need a change in my life. Living like I have been in not an option anymore. I will do what i have to to accomplish my goal. Firt Passing the GED test. Then I will go to th education council and go form there. Like I said "can't" is not a word for this family.

Now for the pessimistic parts of my life. I dont know what was wrong with me yesterday but I was just so upset. I had feelings of hopelessness. I felt like everything was gong to go wrong. I have a big mental problem that takes so much of my energy to try to beat. I can be very OCD and I am defenetly depressed quite often. I can clean somedays for hours and still the house seems dirty to me. That usually happens when I am under extreme amounts of stress. That was the case yesterday. I cried and I was just horrible to everyone around me. I wasnt abusive just not someone that I would want to be around. The kids behavior is alays worse on days like this too. I dont know why. i guess they feed off of my bad attitude sometimes. That is why I have to be careful. I think alot of my attitude is because my sister died last year on this month. This is going to be a tough month. I miss her so much.

My husband and I arent doing well. I think we are headed for divorce. I dont want it that way but we just dont see things eye to eye anymore. I want to advance and he just sits there. He has not motivation for the future and often when I talk about my golas and plans, he doesnt listen. I try to share what I learned about our spending that i learned at the seminar . he just isnt interested in anything that I say. I even try to ask him what his plans are for the furure. That doesnt work either. (sigh) I guess I have changed and he has stayed the same. This isnt going to work.

Well I am going to close this journal before I write a book. lol..I have so mush to say sometimes that I ramble on. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to visit everyone's journal soon. I just need some quiet time. (sigh) That doesnt happen often. there is always drama in my family.

God Bless and keep everyone safe


DB said...

Dear Christine, I am so sorry to read your bad news, but I know things are better sometimes and those are the things you should think about. I know how much you miss your sister but you must let her go. She has her own life now. DB

Anonymous said...

I know you are missing your sister and that makes everything in your life thats going wrong, feel worse. (((Hugs)))))

On the positive side though you are moving forward and doing the things you need to do, like get your GED! yay! i will be your cheerleader!

ada said...

Christine, I am so happy to have found your journal. I am sorry that things are not goingt too good in some respects. I want you to write and keep writing. It helps. I m sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.

Beth said...

Christine, I hope you will try your hardest to focus on the positive things. You are determined to make a change in your life with your education, and you are DOING IT! That's a remarkable accomplishment, and you can build on that.

Hugs, Beth