Monday, May 19, 2008

Trying to keep my chin up

Hello all.. I am trying to keep my chin up. I have been having alot of anxiety panic attacks and have had to take alot of xanax to keep myself calm. I have had severe stomach problems the last couple of days. (i think are stress related) I do feel better today though. I didnt get the job at the grocery store. : ( That kind of knocked my spirits down s few nothches. I am going to spply for a different positon to see if I can get the job. I havent been in the workforce in so long. I think it has been about 9 or 10 years. It would take a lot of time to get used to but i know I would enjoy getting my own paycheck. My husband still has not found any work. I think we have about given up hope. In one year we will have this place payed off and we will own it,. We are trying so hard to hold on to it at least until then. Then we can sell it or stay depending on the situation. I would hate to leave the property now after we have struggled so hard to keep it. If I leave it, I will be moving downstate and will end up in a shelter for awhile. The people staying in the trailor next to us arent helping much like they said they would. I told them if they would help with everything then I would give them a piece of this property that they can own. They were supposed to help with back taxes and the electric bill but they dont do either even though they use our electric. The electric is in both trailors. They also have access to our cable at thier trailor. It is insane. The husband is mean to his family and it is hard to watch. He is alwasy butting his nose in my family saying that I am too lenient and always telling my husband that he needs to take control of his wife. It is insane. My husband and I have enough problems without thier interference. Without thier 400 dollars a mont we will lose the house. I am in a rock and a hard place so to speak.

On a brighter note. My 19 year old daughter is doing so good in college. I am so proud of her. My 15 year old son is doing good in school and plans to play football again this coming year. I am proud of him also. He found me crying in my room yesterday and he actually came in to talk to me. He said that he isnt happy unless his mother is happy. He is a wonderful kid. I told him to let me worry about everything and he should worry about school and football. He is so smart for a 15 year old and knows we are struggling. I feel really bad about that. But he knows that I love him very much and I am trying real hard to keep things afloat. My husband just isnt on the same page as me when it comes to keeping things afloat but we will make it. I love my husband but he can act like such a child. He isnt very responsible. I am the one who has to do everything and figure everything out. He doesnt understand the severity of our situation. i feel like I am in this alone sometimes. There are times when I feel like I should leave him and just be and just be on my own. My brother in law lives with us since my sister has died. He has been very helpfuland has helped with bills and he has been a wonderful person to talk to. I miss my sister so very much!!!! He misses her very much too but he doesnt talk about her as much as I do. Well i hope everyone is enjoying spring. Here in the mountains of Pa, we dont start our spring until June. It is sleeting outside and is about 30 deprees. I really need to move back downstate where my friends and family are. I really feel trapped here. Everyone is 5 hours away from me. I feel all alone here since my sister has passed on. I dont know anyone here very well. I would love to have friends but i am very shy socially and tend to have panic attacks when I am around new people. PLus I love so far out of town. I cant afford the gas to go meet freinds. I thank God everyday for my Jland friends. Stay Safe everyone.













pamal3 said...

What an awful time you are having. So sorry to hear about the job. I think you should just carry on as If It Is their loss, the way I have done because In actual fact, It Is their loss. We will both find something that Is meant for us, you wait and see. It must be so lonely being so far away from everyone. maybe you should definately think about moving when the year Is up. As for the panic attacks...They are horrible things to have, i have a handy tip for you to combat these. If you breathe In and before breathing out picture In your mind blowing your breath over a huge green mountain really slowly and after 2 or 3 of these, It will In fact stop the attack. I hope the tummy settles. Too much stress Is horrible. I have you In my thoughts. Love Pam xx

lv2trnscrb said...

so sorry about the job; hoping you find something soon

I think its neat your daughter is doing great in college; WTG to her!!

our kids are so sensitive to our feelings sometimes, I'm glad you had a chance to have a good talk with your 15 y/o son; he sounds like a great kid too


luvrte66 said...

Hey Christine, hang in there and know that we're all thinking of you!