Today I think I did too much thinking about things that are far in the future. I woke up thismoring about 9 am. My husband had gotten the kids up for school. I feel guilty about that but I usually don't get to sleep until 3 am.I go to bed early but I don't fall asleep until then. My three year old slept late. He is a night owl like his mother. lol I am trying to take my friends advice and try to think of 5 things that I have that I am thankful for. I went for a walk after breakfast with the dog. We walked probably a good mile this morning. The walk started out good but my mind ended up wondering thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking of at the time. "Back taxes, bills, my husband without a job" These thought put me into a hopeless frame of mind. By the time I had gotten home I felt as if I wanted to go to bed. I couldn't though because I had a doctor's appointment at 11. I just felt as if there isn't any way out of my financial disaster!! I don't have anyone to talk to since my sister has gone to be with our Lord. I don't have any friend. I feel so alone right now. : ( I have a problem being around people. I would love to have friends but when I am around people I dont know, I tend to have severe panic attacks. I really dont think people like me all that much. : ( When my daughter turned 8 years old, I had a birthday party for her at McDonald's. I really had bad panic attacks. I tried to talk to the other parents but I didn't know what to say. It didn't help that they all knew each other very well and kind of left me out of their conversations. The small town click as someone told me. All I have are my children and my dogs. Don't get me wrong they are the loves of my life. I wouldn't be truly alive without them. What would I do without them!?!
I went to the doctor's today. They seem to be actually listening this time!! I am so scared about taking medicine. I always have bad reactions to them. They say that has alot to do with my Fibro. Will nothing help me!?! I have night mares every night especially about my sister. That image of her dieing haunts me at night. Watching her die was the most horrible thing. I am glad that I was with her though so that she wasn't alone or with strangers. I also have alot of guilt for having angry feelings about her dieing. "SHELEFT ME!!" That is the side of me that i don't like much. I know she is in a better place. But I miss her so much. I know I keep bringing her up but she is on my mind everyday. I cant even watch movies that we had watched together alot. Her death has changed my life there is no doubt about that. The doctor is sending me to Bradford for some help. Bradford is about an hour away from me. It will be rough especially since we are so low on money. It has been years since I have been truly happy. Being with my sister made life bearable. She understood me. She was my rock so to say. Now I have to learn to be strong without her. There will always be a hole in my heart. : (
I have been carrying around a notebook to write down my feelings all day. I write things in it from time to time especially when I have to wait at an appointment or something. I hope this will help me balance my emotions better. . I hope it helps some.I will share some of it with my J-land friends.
I am going to finish cleaning my house and making dinner. I am actually cooking a roast tonight. After I get the dishes finished I am going to go for another walk with the dog. Hopefully I won't come home like I did this morning,. Hopefully I wont be bugged by my new invaders "so called friends" who moved in next door in my sister's trailer. They always try to drag me into their problems. I LOVE to help people but they just want too much from me. I have a very hard time saying no to anyone. I need to deal with my own emotional problems for the sake of my children. I have gone above and beyond for these people. I don't think I have anymore of myself to give.
Anyway, I am going to try to think of 5 happy things to be thankful for and 5 good things about myself every morning before I get up. It will be hard since I have really low self esteem. Bye for now J-Land friends. Hugs to all...Stay safe