Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Too Much Thinking

Today I think I did too much thinking about things that are far in the future. I woke up thismoring about 9 am. My husband had gotten the kids up for school. I feel guilty about that but I usually don't get to sleep until 3 am.I go to bed early but I don't fall asleep until then. My three year old slept late. He is a night owl like his mother. lol I am trying to take my friends advice and try to think of 5 things that I have that I am thankful for. I went for a walk after breakfast with the dog. We walked probably a good mile this morning. The walk started out good but my mind ended up wondering thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking of at the time. "Back taxes, bills, my husband without a job" These thought put me into a hopeless frame of mind. By the time I had gotten home I felt as if I wanted to go to bed. I couldn't though because I had a doctor's appointment at 11. I just felt as if there isn't any way out of my financial disaster!! I don't have anyone to talk to since my sister has gone to be with our Lord. I don't have any friend. I feel so alone right now. : ( I have a problem being around people. I would love to have friends but when I am around people I dont know, I tend to have severe panic attacks. I really dont think people like me all that much. : ( When my daughter turned 8 years old, I had a birthday party for her at McDonald's. I really had bad panic attacks. I tried to talk to the other parents but I didn't know what to say. It didn't help that they all knew each other very well and kind of left me out of their conversations. The small town click as someone told me. All I have are my children and my dogs. Don't get me wrong they are the loves of my life. I wouldn't be truly alive without them. What would I do without them!?!

I went to the doctor's today. They seem to be actually listening this time!! I am so scared about taking medicine. I always have bad reactions to them. They say that has alot to do with my Fibro. Will nothing help me!?! I have night mares every night especially about my sister. That image of her dieing haunts me at night. Watching her die was the most horrible thing. I am glad that I was with her though so that she wasn't alone or with strangers. I also have alot of guilt for having angry feelings about her dieing. "SHELEFT ME!!" That is the side of me that i don't like much. I know she is in a better place. But I miss her so much. I know I keep bringing her up but she is on my mind everyday. I cant even watch movies that we had watched together alot. Her death has changed my life there is no doubt about that. The doctor is sending me to Bradford for some help. Bradford is about an hour away from me. It will be rough especially since we are so low on money. It has been years since I have been truly happy. Being with my sister made life bearable. She understood me. She was my rock so to say. Now I have to learn to be strong without her. There will always be a hole in my heart. : (

I have been carrying around a notebook to write down my feelings all day. I write things in it from time to time especially when I have to wait at an appointment or something. I hope this will help me balance my emotions better. . I hope it helps some.I will share some of it with my J-land friends.

I am going to finish cleaning my house and making dinner. I am actually cooking a roast tonight. After I get the dishes finished I am going to go for another walk with the dog. Hopefully I won't come home like I did this morning,. Hopefully I wont be bugged by my new invaders "so called friends" who moved in next door in my sister's trailer. They always try to drag me into their problems. I LOVE to help people but they just want too much from me. I have a very hard time saying no to anyone. I need to deal with my own emotional problems for the sake of my children. I have gone above and beyond for these people. I don't think I have anymore of myself to give.

Anyway, I am going to try to think of 5 happy things to be thankful for and 5 good things about myself every morning before I get up. It will be hard since I have really low self esteem. Bye for now J-Land friends. Hugs to all...Stay safe


pamal3 said...

You have has such an awful day. It happens to the best of us. thinking of all those heavy duty thoughts at once would flatten anyone!. I started clearing out my rooms and really tidying. It Is really theraputic. Don't give yourself such a hard time. tell your neighbours to sling their hook. Be very careful how much help you give out when you are feeling so fragile, as this can backfire Immensly and leave you at rock bottom. I hope tomorrow shines and sparkles for you. Love Pam xx

kellygib1@hotmail.com said...

She is still with you my friend, all around you. I can totally get what you're saying, I lost my sister in December and like you, her and I shared things that no-one else understood. As hard as it may be some days, you have to go on.. take care of yourself so you can take care of those who mean the most to you.....your family. Be strong, ask your sister to guide you along with God's help you can survive... my thoughts and more so my prayers are with you....be well

bojgill4375 said...

Oh those are cute little pigs Christine. lol I use to worry about people liking me.. why.. because I want everyone to like me. We went to my husband's side of the family last weekend and his sister would give me these looks?? Some people are that way. Been in the family for over 30 yrs and still feel like I am not accepted by his sister? But you know what.. I got a little upset and then said.. to heck with her, she is the one with the problem. Being ourselves is hard sometimes. Try to just be yourself and don't worry about anyone else. The Lord will give you who is suppose to be in your life. Try to be happy with you Christine. The Lord loves you and you are too much like I use to be... I worried about it too much. Try to be you and I am sure that others will like you. When you can not think of anything to say.. just smile. Sometimes I think we try to be something that we are not.

On our drive home from the assistant living I looked at the trees, water, and everything and marveled at how wonderful God is to give us these beautiful things and for me to be able to see them. He is so good. Watch for little birds and nature things and try to stay focused on them... and of course your dog. In my prayers, Janie

lv2trnscrb said...

Christine, I like your idea about the 5 happy things and 5 good things about yourself every morning; I hope you post them; I can imagine you miss your sister very much; it is hard not to have a friend to share things with and be able to feel comfortable around; you take care of yourself and your family, they are definitely your first priorities


rdautumnsage said...

Life is about balance. There are is no perfection without our faults. The fact your missing and angry at your sister is a telltale sign of how much she meant to you and your love for her. I felt the same way when Doc's (my other half) Mom was being buried. I loved the woman and found it an injustice she had died.

As for being insecure or nervous around other people, been there too. With my deafness more so these days. Then I realized it wasn't about how other people saw me, rather how I saw myself. When I accepted that and began to realize I was someone worthwhile to know inside and out, something clicked and changed for me. Now a days I see it this way, if they don't like me - it's their loss not mine. (Hugs) Indigo

newsworthy822 said...

Hi! I found your comment in Sherry's journal and thought I would stop by and say hi.  Sorry you're struggling with depression, that can be very tough.. I am feeling a bit down lately myself since I gave birth to my daughter a month ago.  Some days I feel wonderful and others I am very weepy and down.  Hormones I guess.

Feel free to stop by my journal!  I like to run... it really helps with my mood/emotions/etc..  exercise is great for well-being that wonderful you are walking with your dog, keep it up!