I guess I am not as depressed as I am not sure how to feel today. The week has been so hard. I have been trying to keep a good attitude. That takes alot of energy in the face of hardship. I am the only one up and I have a tendency to have racing thoughts. I try to only let the good thoughts in. It works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. But I keep on going any ways. Last night I felt so sick. I ached all over and I felt very sick to my stomach. I think it might be nerves. My face is so greasy that I cant stand it. I wash it 500 times and it still feels this way. I know I am not pregnant (thank goodness) because my tubes are tied. Not to mention my husband and I haven't done anything in the past month or so. (info no one wants to know lol )
On a bright note My J-land friend Linda(Linda's world) package with alot of nice Avon things in it. That was the nicest thing that anyone has done for me in awhile. It certainly put a smile on my face. It really felt good to have someone think of me and my family. It was really sweet of her. Thank you Linda.
My life is so very upside down right now. It has been a very scary road. I try not to think of what could happen. That is where my racing thoughts come in. "What if the car breaks down? What if my husband loses his job? What if...?" I have to stop this and take things as they come. I try to prepare for the worst because I know it happens. I know all too well that life is hard.
My husband and I are having problems. I love him but he just isn't on the same page as me. He doesn't see the pending dangers of our situation. I cant leave him right now because he is the only one with the money coming in. He doesn't have the motivation that I have to keep things going. I feel as if I am in this on my own. It is a lonely feeling. I don't have any friend (other than my online friends) That is partially my fault. When my sister was alive, I didn't need any friends. She was the only friend I needed. I had friends before who have hurt me so I chose not have any friends but her. Now that she is gone, I live in a lonely world. I miss her so much. With the anniversary of her death approaching, I miss her more and more. She passed away October 20th. That is going to be a hard day for me especially since i live in the trailer that she passed away in. She is still alive in God's Grace and I know that I will see her again someday when it is time for me to join her.
Today will be like any other day. The same old same old worries. I am looking forward to the change that I am working for. I am not good with change but i need it desperately. I want to feel needed. I want to feel as if I am accomplishing something for someone. If that makes sense to anyone. I know the kids need me to be successful. I will do this no matter the obstacle. I guess I will start my day. Who knows what awaits me...