Saturday, September 13, 2008

Feeling kind of down

I guess I am not as depressed as I am not sure how to feel today. The week has been so hard. I have been trying to keep a good attitude. That takes alot of energy in the face of hardship. I am the only one up and I have a tendency to have racing thoughts. I try to only let the good thoughts in. It works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. But I keep on going any ways. Last night I felt so sick. I ached all over and I felt very sick to my stomach. I think it might be nerves. My face is so greasy that I cant stand it. I wash it 500 times and it still feels this way. I know I am not pregnant (thank goodness) because my tubes are tied. Not to mention my husband and I haven't done anything in the past month or so. (info no one wants to know lol )

On a bright note My J-land friend Linda(Linda's world) package with alot of nice Avon things in it. That was the nicest thing that anyone has done for me in awhile. It certainly put a smile on my face. It really felt good to have someone think of me and my family. It was really sweet of her. Thank you Linda.

My life is so very upside down right now. It has been a very scary road. I try not to think of what could happen. That is where my racing thoughts come in. "What if the car breaks down? What if my husband loses his job? What if...?" I have to stop this and take things as they come. I try to prepare for the worst because I know it happens. I know all too well that life is hard.

My husband and I are having problems. I love him but he just isn't on the same page as me. He doesn't see the pending dangers of our situation. I cant leave him right now because he is the only one with the money coming in. He doesn't have the motivation that I have to keep things going. I feel as if I am in this on my own. It is a lonely feeling. I don't have any friend (other than my online friends) That is partially my fault. When my sister was alive, I didn't need any friends. She was the only friend I needed. I had friends before who have hurt me so I chose not have any friends but her. Now that she is gone, I live in a lonely world. I miss her so much. With the anniversary of her death approaching, I miss her more and more. She passed away October 20th. That is going to be a hard day for me especially since i live in the trailer that she passed away in. She is still alive in God's Grace and I know that I will see her again someday when it is time for me to join her.

Today will be like any other day. The same old same old worries. I am looking forward to the change that I am working for. I am not good with change but i need it desperately. I want to feel needed. I want to feel as if I am accomplishing something for someone. If that makes sense to anyone. I know the kids need me to be successful. I will do this no matter the obstacle. I guess I will start my day. Who knows what awaits me...

God Bless

8 comments:

kellygib1@hotmail.com said...

i wish you peace....
Kelly~

salemslot9 said...

I understand
if you can
try to let
everything bad go
even if it's just
for a short time
and try to have
an intimate moment
with your husband
it won't make things worse
it might make
you feel closer
if I'm out of line
I'm sorry

luvrte66 said...

Christine, I also have tendencies to be a worrier. If I find myself heading down that pathway, I have to tell myself to stop it, that there's no point in worrying about what could happen. You really CAN make yourself sick worrying! So try to calm your fears and I bet that will help you feel a little better.

Hugs, Beth

dbdacoba said...

You have been worrying for a long time, Christine.  Your friends here don't want you to worry.  So start smiling at us.  D

lsfp1960 said...

Christine, when I'm feeling down I think about all the good things in life I have, I've even sat and written them down on a piece of paper, so they become more real.  Also, when you wake up in the morning~reach for you Bible and read a few verses.... Philippians 4:19.  
Linda in Washington

bojgill4375 said...

Christine I think my thoughts run wild all the time! lol I have felt that way with nerves. There is a history in my family of suicide. I have to struggle all the time to keep a good attitude. The Lord has helped me so much on talking to Him when bad memories come into my mind. I have never thought of suicide but it does run in my family. I am a very nervous person and bet you are too. I was born that way. Have a lot of relatives on meds. That was so nice of Linda to send you some Avon. I made a trip one time from Penn. to Kansas without a spare. Could not afford to buy a spare. 2 days after I got to Kansas I had a flat. lol I look back over my life and see where God protected me from many things. I did not even realize it until later years. Many times I felt alone in my marriage. The Lord was my strength to keep me going. Without Him I don't know where I would be. Sometimes there is no choice other than to stay with someone. How we deal with it is our choice also. We can either accept the situation or stress out. Just try to realize that better days will be in the future. Hope your days go well Christine. Pray that you don't worry all day. Try to enjoy the children and what good things that you have right now. Love, hugs, and prayers, Janie

fieldpixie272 said...

Christine your online friends are real, I know were not there in person though.  It can be hard.  I have only one girl friend in real life but our lives are so busy we communicate mostly through email!  So its kind of the same.  But you know what, I will share with you that this friend I have in real life is going through some hard times as well, she is pregnant and age 42, and they are losing their house.  They are going into foreclosure.  They have one older son in high school.  They will have to pick up after this, and do something, go somewhere, and rebuild.  It has not happened yet, but it might soon.  But they have decided not to worry about it because there is little they can do.  She cant work, she is 7 months pregnant, and her husband can only do what he can.  They cant worry, because you know what worrying is?  Worrying is praying for what you dont want, TO HAPPEN.  Whatever is predominantly in your mind is what you will bring about in your life.  So try hard to pull in more positive thoughts.

I think your racing thoughts can be controlled by getting some endorphins happening in your body.  Survey the last week, how many times have you had racing thoughts and bad feelings?  Write it down.  Take a small 15 minute walk, once a day for about a week and write down how many times you have racing thoughts that week.  If its less, then you just needed some endorphins, which happen only through exercise, even slow walking for 15 minutes a day will produce enough endorphins for you to feel happier and have better thoughts.  I know this works, because this is how I control MY racing thoughts.





pprrrr39 said...

Christine

I am so very sorry that you are feeling down............ i know people say try to stay positive etc and i know its not as easy as that. Keeping you in my prayers and hoping that life will get easier for you.
hugs Jayne